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Author Topic: Orthonorm's Dating and Relationship Advice Column  (Read 65647 times) Average Rating: 3
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Justin Kissel
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« Reply #810 on: October 18, 2012, 05:16:39 PM »

I am long. Wooohoo!  laugh

*ahem* Tall. *ahem*

Yes. Size matters.

I might be long too, if you know what I mean  Wink

*ahem*

No, what do you mean? Long... clavicles?

Shall I show it you what I mean?  Kiss

Only if it's cut.  police
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« Reply #811 on: October 18, 2012, 05:17:22 PM »

I am long. Wooohoo!  laugh

*ahem* Tall. *ahem*

Yes. Size matters.

I might be long too, if you know what I mean  Wink

*ahem*

No, what do you mean? Long... clavicles?

Shall I show it you what I mean?  Kiss

If you ain't ESL you are a native English speaking serial killer.
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« Reply #812 on: October 18, 2012, 05:18:34 PM »

I am long. Wooohoo!  laugh

*ahem* Tall. *ahem*

Yes. Size matters.

I might be long too, if you know what I mean  Wink

*ahem*

No, what do you mean? Long... clavicles?

Shall I show it you what I mean?  Kiss

Only if it's cut.  police

European. Ain't beschnitten.

Got asked more than once in close quarter restrooms if I were Jewish.
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« Reply #813 on: October 18, 2012, 05:34:29 PM »

Does 'size' matter? Because that is the one area where I am not so short...
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« Reply #814 on: October 18, 2012, 05:35:45 PM »

Does 'size' matter? Because that is the one area where I am not so short...

I covered this already.

I am long. Wooohoo!  laugh

*ahem* Tall. *ahem*

Yes. Size matters.
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« Reply #815 on: October 18, 2012, 05:40:16 PM »

Size usually matters more to men (=misplaced confidence) than women.
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« Reply #816 on: October 18, 2012, 06:06:08 PM »

I got this new hot receptionist lady at work, and she said she was Bi.

How much of a chance do I got?

Do I gotta rock the aviators? My blingin cross?

I make her laugh and plenty other mofos trying to get up on that.
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« Reply #817 on: October 18, 2012, 06:12:59 PM »

Find the two most attractive women in the office. You will pay them each $100. One will wait until the receptionist is within earshot and will then start raving to a coworker about your love making technique, and she will start sobbing over having lost you. The second person will go up to the receptionist later in the day and say these words:

"I heard you're interested in [Achronos]. Don't bother. He's way out of your league."

As soon as the girl leaves you will walk up to the receptionist and say:

"Hey, I saw so-and-so talking to you. She's a bit of a bully, I hope she didn't say anything mean?"

Then just turn on the charm and offer to take her out.
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« Reply #818 on: October 18, 2012, 06:45:25 PM »

So how do you effectively and sincerely compliment a woman, whether it be day one or day one hundred?

Since orthonorm is posting more actively, I'd love to hear the answer to this.
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« Reply #819 on: October 18, 2012, 08:04:18 PM »

If you are having problems putting my above advice into practice I can give you binders full of qualified women, just let me know!
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« Reply #820 on: October 18, 2012, 08:07:42 PM »

Well you would be my goto, trust me, more qualified than Romney.
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« Reply #821 on: October 18, 2012, 09:15:57 PM »

How do you get over your first (usually broken) love?
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« Reply #822 on: October 18, 2012, 09:23:20 PM »

How do you get over your first (usually broken) love?

You don't. If people say they did, they were never in love.

All love is inherently broken.

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« Reply #823 on: October 18, 2012, 09:27:09 PM »

The king of love, Phil Collins, suggests that you never really “get completely over” having your heart broken. Still, people move on to happy, constructive relationships after serious heart-crushing. It’s not about erasing all the feelings you had for someone; it’s about living with them and being able to make room for others.
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« Reply #824 on: October 18, 2012, 10:26:40 PM »

How do you get over your first (usually broken) love?

You don't. If people say they did, they were never in love.

All love is inherently broken.


That's deep, man. Do some 'shrooms today?
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« Reply #825 on: October 18, 2012, 10:29:20 PM »

I got this new hot receptionist lady at work, and she said she was Bi.

How much of a chance do I got?
If she's bi, you've got about 50%.
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« Reply #826 on: October 18, 2012, 10:30:11 PM »

How do you get over your first (usually broken) love?

You don't. If people say they did, they were never in love.

All love is inherently broken.


That's deep, man. Do some 'shrooms today?

Glad to see I effectively get my voice across.

Thought about a Shaneism. Decided to go the pseudo-guru route.
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« Reply #827 on: October 18, 2012, 10:34:12 PM »

I think I still have a Neil Young 8-track somewhere.
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« Reply #828 on: October 18, 2012, 11:04:18 PM »

I got this new hot receptionist lady at work, and she said she was Bi.

How much of a chance do I got?
If she's bi, you've got about 50%.

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« Reply #829 on: October 18, 2012, 11:06:26 PM »

I got this new hot receptionist lady at work, and she said she was Bi.

How much of a chance do I got?

Do I gotta rock the aviators? My blingin cross?

I make her laugh and plenty other mofos trying to get up on that.
Your chance is whatever your chance would be normally, but if it does work out between you to, it will be one of the most fulfilling relationships you ever have, if not the most
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« Reply #830 on: October 18, 2012, 11:08:56 PM »

I got this new hot receptionist lady at work, and she said she was Bi.

How much of a chance do I got?

Do I gotta rock the aviators? My blingin cross?

I make her laugh and plenty other mofos trying to get up on that.
Your chance is whatever your chance would be normally, but if it does work out between you to, it will be one of the most fulfilling relationships you ever have, if not the most
lol I ain't thinking about relationships.

You feel me?
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« Reply #831 on: October 18, 2012, 11:19:30 PM »

How do you get over your first (usually broken) love?

By having a second (third, fourth, etc.) one. It's like beer. You'll always remember your first one, but if you have enough after that, eventually it'll become a nice, albeit fuzzy, memory. Grin

(Full disclosure: I don't drink...anymore.)
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« Reply #832 on: October 18, 2012, 11:20:33 PM »

I got this new hot receptionist lady at work, and she said she was Bi.

How much of a chance do I got?
If she's bi, you've got about 50%.



Ha! This thread is all about love, and I love this ^ Smiley
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« Reply #833 on: October 18, 2012, 11:58:41 PM »

So I'm going to be in Cinci this weekend and our very own orthonorm has promised to take me out clubbing at all the hottest places and introduce me to the who's who of Ohio. I can't wait!

Me too!! I hope you will partake of 3-way, 4-way and 5-ways and report back. I am hoping to experiment in this regard before lent, since the parlors that cater to this sort of thing do not exist where I live.
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« Reply #834 on: October 18, 2012, 11:59:59 PM »

So I'm going to be in Cinci this weekend and our very own orthonorm has promised to take me out clubbing at all the hottest places and introduce me to the who's who of Ohio. I can't wait!

Me too!! I hope you will partake of 3-way, 4-way and 5-ways and report back. I am hoping to experiment in this regard before lent, since the parlors that cater to this sort of thing do not exist where I live.

Does this mean what I am understanding it to mean??
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« Reply #835 on: October 19, 2012, 12:02:00 AM »

So I'm going to be in Cinci this weekend and our very own orthonorm has promised to take me out clubbing at all the hottest places and introduce me to the who's who of Ohio. I can't wait!

Me too!! I hope you will partake of 3-way, 4-way and 5-ways and report back. I am hoping to experiment in this regard before lent, since the parlors that cater to this sort of thing do not exist where I live.

Does this mean what I am understanding it to mean??

Not in your most wild imaginations.
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« Reply #836 on: October 19, 2012, 12:02:26 AM »

I got this new hot receptionist lady at work, and she said she was Bi.

How much of a chance do I got?

Do I gotta rock the aviators? My blingin cross?

I make her laugh and plenty other mofos trying to get up on that.
Your chance is whatever your chance would be normally, but if it does work out between you to, it will be one of the most fulfilling relationships you ever have, if not the most
lol I ain't thinking about relationships.

You feel me?


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« Reply #837 on: October 19, 2012, 03:53:08 AM »

-
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« Reply #838 on: October 19, 2012, 03:57:30 AM »

Wise sages of OC.net, I require your advice once more.

What's the good time and circumstances to ask someone out?


When you have some privacy and are engaged in some activity you both enjoy (emphasizes you have things in common).
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« Reply #839 on: October 19, 2012, 04:01:35 AM »

^ Good advice here. (And happy 2000 posts, Tallitot.)
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« Reply #840 on: October 19, 2012, 04:09:37 AM »

I'm coming up with a plan. Thanks for all the advice. Still don't know if I have the guts to execute the plan, though.
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« Reply #841 on: October 19, 2012, 04:14:10 AM »

You get the guts by going through with the plan. Like that European guy who climbed Mount Everest "because it was there" (so goes the story). I bet he had no trouble getting the ladies after that...now doesn't your plan seem much less intimidating next to that? Wink
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« Reply #842 on: October 19, 2012, 04:18:07 AM »

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« Reply #843 on: October 19, 2012, 04:19:54 AM »

Well, if there's any person on OC.net to do it...
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« Reply #844 on: October 19, 2012, 05:28:52 AM »

I'm having one of those late-night nostalgia moments where I think of my first love. I'm going to tell my story in a wise manner for anyone who is interested because I have nothing better to do.

It twas many ages ago--ancient, buried in memory--in the year of our Lord 2008. I was a young, frisky lad in the 6th grade, puberty just around the corner. It was during this time in my life that I met her--my heart's first love. Her name was [namewithheld]--and by God, was she a beauty. Her light, brunette hair flowing as elegantly and majestic as the rivers of Eden, eyes engulfed with the very essence of beauty and life itself. Without spot or blemish, she was the pinnacle of perfection when Germans and Filipinas reproduce.

I befriended the young maiden, oftentimes relying on my innate sense of stupidity and humour to amuse her. I knew right then and there that she would change my life--and she did, by becoming my first love. Our friendship lasted throughout the years, from that end-of-the-school-year 6th grade trip to Great America where I ate her leftover food like the gluttonous child I was, to the Spanish-class field trip to the Mexican restaurant across the street in 7th grade, in which I lightheartedly humoured her soul by rudely 'trolling' the waiter like the obnoxious little pubescent middle-schooler that I was.

It was in 8th grade when things became hectic and confusing. Alas, the young maiden transferred to a different school. While in reality it was only ten miles away from my school, when you are a child whose sole source of interaction comes from school, and sole source of transportation wherever your parents and/or the parents of your friends will take you, it might as well have been ten lightyears away. This was perhaps the worst year of my entire life; for it was the moment when I had hit rock bottom, probably for snuffing Jesus since this was at the time when I abandoned Christianity. My mother suffered a tragic miscarriage--an event that still haunts me to this very day--my father lost his job--which ultimately led me to having to leave my Private School since tuition would no longer be free. But worst of all, we had to move. We were moving to a run down craphole in California called 'Modesto' which was like two hours away from my hometown--the town where the young maiden I fancied also dwelt. We would be separated by a two hour drive.

In the heat of all the misery, when the bondage of fear and despair had me in a chokehold, I could not conceal it any longer. The truth came out. I blurted to her how I truly felt about her, all my feelings, nothing hidden. As if my pain were not enough, it only became worse, because what I discovered next was the icing on the cake--the killing blow from the dagger that came when I thought that I could not endure anything more. She had a boyfriend. Within the few months of attending a new school, she was swept off her feet by a puny little Asian kid named Bryan--my arch nemisis.

I had given up all hope in life. Nothing mattered to me anymore. My grades slipped, I began eating compulsively, I cried all night, the only thing I ever looked forward to was sleep. Ahh sleep. How I loved sleep! The one force that could offer me temporary relief from all of the pain and despair--the one place where a man can truly confide--despite any problem you throw at him--and enjoy a few hours of total bliss within the solitary confines of the cousin of death. When the moment to move came, I reluctantly went along with it.

The first few weeks in my new home where the worst of my life. How I missed the girl! How I loathed to be back in my hometown with the maiden I loved and all of my friends! Despite her boyfriend and our difficult situation, I kept in touch with her. We talked over the phone, facebook and text message almost every day. She confided all her problems in me, and I did the same. My emotions for her were nourished during this period, and thus, my pain was also amplified as I had to learn to deal with the unsettling reality that I was gone from her and she had a boyfriend.

It was during this period that a new interest in religion--particularly Christianity was resparked within me. Religion--the last hope of a man's soul, the opiate of those who despair--became the primary purpose of my life. I read the scriptures, and every single day I would literally pray for hours and hours, oftentimes in a frenzy of tears, asking God to somehow move me back to my hometown and reunite me with her and somehow give me victory over her boyfriend. Everyone I knew doubted me. My parents laughed and said I should get used to my new home, my friends had all lost hope that I would return--even though they really wanted me to, and thus, I was all alone. Despite the ridicule and all the odds being against me, I continued this strict regime of prayer. And in the end--after an entire year of this regime, a miracle happened. My mother announced to me that we were moving back to my hometown. In a glorious jolt of disbelief, I ran to my bedroom and opened up my Bible for reasons I cannot remember. Either way, I looked at the Bible, and the first passage I saw was Matthew 15:28, which states "...great is your faith! let it be done as you desire!'

As if that were not enough, she also broke up with her boyfriend right around this time as well. How much better could it have gotten? Moving forward, we moved back to my hometown within the following month, and I was reunited with all of my friends. But most importantly, reunited with the girl. It was at this time that I asked her out, and I experienced my very first date, being new Sophmores in High-school by this time. The date was amazing, and for once I truly felt at peace.

Ah how we bonded! We dated several more times throughout the year together. We even met each other's families. What made our dates amazing was that she was always dragging me on to do these amazingly dangerous, stupid yet fun things together. Like when we would sneak off away from where our parents thought we were or when we would almost get hit by cars. Such a thrill! I loved her, and I think that she loved me.

But all good things don't last. We drifted apart. I became obsessed with pursuing a hip-hop career as I spent all of my spare time successfully rap-battling guys at my school, and she no longer had feelings for me. And thus, here we are now. The bond we once had is broken. Every once in a while we will still text or have the random IM chat, but they are far and in between, and every time we do, it only further pains my soul as I am haunted by the memory of what we used to have and what we could have had.

I'm so sad right now Sad You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
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« Reply #845 on: October 19, 2012, 06:15:13 AM »

And what do you want to ask advice about?
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« Reply #846 on: October 19, 2012, 07:56:06 PM »

First night in Cinci, we about to go out partying, wish me luck! I'll report back when I can!
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« Reply #847 on: October 19, 2012, 08:20:12 PM »

Gonna visit a few bars for a bit. First stop: The Lackman. I'll try to post more when the night is through!
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« Reply #848 on: October 19, 2012, 11:20:34 PM »

Dear all. I'm in deep trouble and hope you can help me out of it.

You see, my girlfriend complains to me that I treat her as an equal. Instead of an equal I should treat her as a woman. Since I'm indoctrinated by Scandinavian Socialism and Feminism I'm unable to treat her unequally. Gender is a social construction and all that.

What should I do in order to find my inner masculinity? Should I drink more beer? Maybe buy a car? Place her into a harem?
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« Reply #849 on: October 20, 2012, 12:39:22 AM »

Dear all. I'm in deep trouble and hope you can help me out of it.

You see, my girlfriend complains to me that I treat her as an equal. Instead of an equal I should treat her as a woman. Since I'm indoctrinated by Scandinavian Socialism and Feminism I'm unable to treat her unequally. Gender is a social construction and all that.

What should I do in order to find my inner masculinity? Should I drink more beer? Maybe buy a car? Place her into a harem?

Slap her bottom and tell her to make you dinner.  Chicks dig getting abused.  I have a half dozen or so ex's that prove the point. 
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Das ist des Jägers Ehrenschild, daß er beschützt und hegt sein Wild, weidmännisch jagt, wie sich’s gehört, den Schöpfer im Geschöpfe ehrt.
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« Reply #850 on: October 20, 2012, 06:02:09 PM »

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"Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy."
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« Reply #851 on: October 20, 2012, 06:10:16 PM »

Man, what a crazy night last night! Ok so I was at the bar and this really attractive woman came up and sat beside me. Now orthonorm and opus were in another part of the bar at the time. Anyway, so we start talking, and she's really attractive, but something about her was just off, like you could tell she was a little crazy. So I said I had to get back to my friends, and she was like "What's wrong, tiger? Don't you want this?" and I was like "Um, you're very attractive, but..." and she said "let me ask you something" and I said "ok..." and she said "It's my face, isn't it? You think I'm a butterface!" and I tried to assure her that that was not the case at all, that she had a very pretty face, but she wouldn't listen. Then she started crying, and I tried to put my arm around her to console her and she snapped at me like a wild beast "don't touch me you pathetic wretch!"  

Well, suffice to say I was taken aback, but she apologized immediately and said she didn't know what came over her. I said it was ok, that maybe she should go home and get some sleep. And she said "let me ask you another question, a very private question," and I said ok. So she said "Imagine your ultimate fantasy girl. It has to be someone real though. Like an actress. Who is she?" I was a bit confused, but she pressed me several times to name someone. So finally I said "I dunno, Emmanuelle Chriqui I guess". She said "Ahh" and then just sat there with a serious look on her face. Then she leaned in and whispered to me: "If I chopped her head off, and took her skin, and wore it like a mask over my head, would you then make love to me? Would I then be pretty enough for you?"

That was about all I could take? I jumped back and said "what are you talking about? are you crazy?" and she looked at me longingly and said "what is it that you want? just tell me what you want!" and she started clawing at me and sort of growling. Just then orthonorm and opus saw what was going on and they hurriedly pushed me out of the bar, and we raced to the car as this wild woman chased us, screaming "I need to feel like you love me! Make me feel like a woman!"  Well, we finally got to the car and she came up and started banging on the window, and we were saying "go go go" and she was spitting and hissing, but finally norm got the car started and we sped away. Whew, it was close, I'll tell ya!
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« Reply #852 on: October 23, 2012, 04:27:18 PM »

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« Reply #853 on: October 31, 2012, 11:10:00 PM »

So, I was perusing OK U Bid...I mean, OK Cupid and entered "orthodox" in the keyword function.  I have learned that there are a significant number of bi-sexual women who list "eastern orthodox" as an interest.

And I was like...

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Das ist des Jägers Ehrenschild, daß er beschützt und hegt sein Wild, weidmännisch jagt, wie sich’s gehört, den Schöpfer im Geschöpfe ehrt.
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« Reply #854 on: November 01, 2012, 12:05:06 AM »

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