Author Topic: Jokes about the Orthodox Church  (Read 1263 times)

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Offline Alpha60

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Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« on: September 17, 2017, 02:12:12 PM »
Lest we be accused of taking ourselves entirely too seriously, I am posting a thread for slightly irreverent ecclesiastical humour. 

The rules:

1. Jokes must not make fun of a specific jurisdiction in a hurtful way, e.g. jokes about Syriac Orthodox being airheaded, which we decidedly are not, unless posted by a member of said jurisdiction.
2. The jokes must not be blasphemous, that is to say, making a joke at the expense of our Lord or the Saints.  Use caution when featuring either God or the saints in a joke.
3. Jokes may include funny real life stories.
4. Jokes may be about non-Orthodox churches provided they do not make fun of those churches in a hurtful way, and provided the churches in question are well known to Orthodox members.
5. Generic jokes applicable to all Christians are acceptable.
6. You may also crack a joke about Islam or Judaism, provided it is not hurtful.
7. Clean jokes only.  If it is not PG rated, don't post it.  If in doubt, ask yourself "Would Mor Ephrem post this?"  If the answer is yes, post it, if the answer is no, he would not descend to such impiety, then do not post it.
"It is logical that the actions of the human race over time will lead to its destruction.  I, Alpha 60, am merely the agent of this destruction."

- The computer Alpha 60, from Alphaville (1964) by Jean Luc Godard, the obvious inspiration for HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

This signature is not intended to offend any user, nor the relatives of Discovery 1 deputy commander Dr. Frank Poole,  and crew members Dr. Victor Kaminsky, Dr. Jack Kimball, and Dr. Charles Hunter.

Offline Alpha60

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2017, 02:14:57 PM »
I will start.   We have all heard the groan-inducingly familiar "I don't believe in organized religion, I'm Orthodox."  But not all of us have heard this Russian gem:

"If a man has a good voice, you make him a deacon.  When his voice goes, you make him a priest.  When his mind goes, you make him a bishop."
"It is logical that the actions of the human race over time will lead to its destruction.  I, Alpha 60, am merely the agent of this destruction."

- The computer Alpha 60, from Alphaville (1964) by Jean Luc Godard, the obvious inspiration for HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

This signature is not intended to offend any user, nor the relatives of Discovery 1 deputy commander Dr. Frank Poole,  and crew members Dr. Victor Kaminsky, Dr. Jack Kimball, and Dr. Charles Hunter.

Offline Alpha60

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2017, 02:27:03 PM »
A mitred archpriest from a popular cathedral in a major city, a veteran monk from a strict monastery, and a soon-to-graduate seminarian from St. Vladimir's Seminary are having a conversation.

The archpriest says, "In Bright Week, I like to dine at the Four Seasons and have chateaubriand with a side of white truffles, although it costs a lot of money, its worth it once a year to celebrate the Resurrection."

The aged monk replied "I beg your pardon, Father, could you remind me, what is this thing called chateaubriand and white truffles?

The seminarian replied "Father, I also beg your pardon, my memory also fails me, what is this thing called money?"
"It is logical that the actions of the human race over time will lead to its destruction.  I, Alpha 60, am merely the agent of this destruction."

- The computer Alpha 60, from Alphaville (1964) by Jean Luc Godard, the obvious inspiration for HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

This signature is not intended to offend any user, nor the relatives of Discovery 1 deputy commander Dr. Frank Poole,  and crew members Dr. Victor Kaminsky, Dr. Jack Kimball, and Dr. Charles Hunter.

Offline RaphaCam

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2017, 09:50:42 PM »
What's the difference between Orthodox, Catholic and Anglican weddings? In Orthodox weddings, the mother-in-law is pregnant. In Catholic weddings, the bride is pregnant. In Protestant weddings, the priestess is pregnant.
"May the Lord our God remember in His kingdom all Holy Catholic Apostolic Church, which heralds the Word of Truth and fearlessly offers and distributes the Holy Oblation despite human deficiencies and persecutions moved by the powers of this world, in all time and unto the ages of ages."

Anyhow when God was asked he said Eastern Orthodox is true Church and not Catholic Church. So come home and enjoy.

Offline Luke

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2017, 10:21:59 PM »
Question:  How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  Change!!!???
« Last Edit: September 17, 2017, 10:22:30 PM by Luke »

Offline Dominika

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2017, 04:11:54 AM »
Question:  How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  Change!!!???

It reminds me a joke about Montenegrins (they're we're Orthodox, so I think it fits the thread):

Question:  How many Montenegrins are needed to change a light bulb?
Answer:   Two. One to keep the bulb and the second one to rotate the one keeping the bulb.
Pray for persecuted Christians, especially in Serbian Kosovo and Raška, Egypt and Syria

My Orthodox liturgical blog "For what eat, while you can fast" in Polish (videos featuring chants in different languages)

Offline hecma925

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2017, 07:12:06 PM »
We have jokes like that about Polacks here in America.
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Offline William T

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2017, 08:54:19 PM »
Question:  How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  Change!!!???

It reminds me a joke about Montenegrins (they're we're Orthodox, so I think it fits the thread):

Question:  How many Montenegrins are needed to change a light bulb?
Answer:   Two. One to keep the bulb and the second one to rotate the one keeping the bulb.

That's kind of funny, that is a very famous joke about the Polish over here in America

Offline RaphaCam

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2017, 12:24:17 AM »
It reminds me a joke about Montenegrins (they're we're Orthodox, so I think it fits the thread):

Question:  How many Montenegrins are needed to change a light bulb?
Answer:   Two. One to keep the bulb and the second one to rotate the one keeping the bulb.
We tell the same one about the Portuguese here.  :laugh:
"May the Lord our God remember in His kingdom all Holy Catholic Apostolic Church, which heralds the Word of Truth and fearlessly offers and distributes the Holy Oblation despite human deficiencies and persecutions moved by the powers of this world, in all time and unto the ages of ages."

Anyhow when God was asked he said Eastern Orthodox is true Church and not Catholic Church. So come home and enjoy.

Offline Sharbel

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2017, 01:02:38 AM »
We tell the same one about the Portuguese here.  :laugh:
And the Portuguese tell the same one about... the Portuguese!  ;D
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Offline NicholasMyra

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2017, 01:37:57 AM »
Greek, Russian and Serb are at a bar.

Greek says, our church is the best, because we have the churches of St. Paul.

Russian says, our church is the best, because we have the grandest cathedrals.

Serb says, our church is the best.

The Greek and the Russian ask, why?

The Serb replies, I'm not sure, but whatever it is, I'd die for it.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2017, 01:40:21 AM by NicholasMyra »
Quote from: Fr. Thomas Hopko, dystopian parable of the prodigal son
...you can imagine so-called healing services of the pigpen. The books that could be written, you know: Life in the Pigpen. How to Cope in the Pigpen. Being Happy in the Pigpen. Surviving in the Pigpen. And then there could be counselling, for people who feel unhappy in the pigpen, to try to get them to come to terms with the pigpen, and to accept the pigpen.

Offline Dominika

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2017, 06:02:00 AM »
Greek, Russian and Serb are at a bar.

Greek says, our church is the best, because we have the churches of St. Paul.

Russian says, our church is the best, because we have the grandest cathedrals.

Serb says, our church is the best.

The Greek and the Russian ask, why?

The Serb replies, I'm not sure, but whatever it is, I'd die for it.

So patriotic <3
Pray for persecuted Christians, especially in Serbian Kosovo and Raška, Egypt and Syria

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Offline Gorazd

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2017, 05:32:25 AM »
Not sure if I should post this here or in "Lame Jokes".

What do you call Augustinian theology in the Miaphysite communion?
Western Coptivity.

Offline LizaSymonenko

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2017, 10:40:16 AM »
I will start.   We have all heard the groan-inducingly familiar "I don't believe in organized religion, I'm Orthodox."  But not all of us have heard this Russian gem:

"If a man has a good voice, you make him a deacon.  When his voice goes, you make him a priest.  When his mind goes, you make him a bishop."

Some of these are not funny, at all.

This speaks badly for the Church...
Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.
—St. Isaac of Syria

Offline Alpha60

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2017, 11:04:33 AM »
I will start.   We have all heard the groan-inducingly familiar "I don't believe in organized religion, I'm Orthodox."  But not all of us have heard this Russian gem:

"If a man has a good voice, you make him a deacon.  When his voice goes, you make him a priest.  When his mind goes, you make him a bishop."

Some of these are not funny, at all.

This speaks badly for the Church...

It's just an old Russian joke.  I believe it dates to the 18th or 19th century.  Needless to say, jokes like that are both self-deprecating and absurdist; if you're Orthodox you obviously don't actually believe that.  Actually, it was told to me by an Orthodox priest told me it when I in conversation mentioned the sublime basso profundo sound one frequently hears with Russian deacons.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2017, 11:05:06 AM by Alpha60 »
"It is logical that the actions of the human race over time will lead to its destruction.  I, Alpha 60, am merely the agent of this destruction."

- The computer Alpha 60, from Alphaville (1964) by Jean Luc Godard, the obvious inspiration for HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

This signature is not intended to offend any user, nor the relatives of Discovery 1 deputy commander Dr. Frank Poole,  and crew members Dr. Victor Kaminsky, Dr. Jack Kimball, and Dr. Charles Hunter.

Offline Alpha60

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2017, 11:06:04 AM »
Not sure if I should post this here or in "Lame Jokes".

What do you call Augustinian theology in the Miaphysite communion?
Western Coptivity.

ROFL
"It is logical that the actions of the human race over time will lead to its destruction.  I, Alpha 60, am merely the agent of this destruction."

- The computer Alpha 60, from Alphaville (1964) by Jean Luc Godard, the obvious inspiration for HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

This signature is not intended to offend any user, nor the relatives of Discovery 1 deputy commander Dr. Frank Poole,  and crew members Dr. Victor Kaminsky, Dr. Jack Kimball, and Dr. Charles Hunter.

Offline Alpha60

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2017, 11:20:44 AM »
Question:  How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  Change!!!???

It reminds me a joke about Montenegrins (they're we're Orthodox, so I think it fits the thread):

Question:  How many Montenegrins are needed to change a light bulb?
Answer:   Two. One to keep the bulb and the second one to rotate the one keeping the bulb.

Both of these are pretty good.
"It is logical that the actions of the human race over time will lead to its destruction.  I, Alpha 60, am merely the agent of this destruction."

- The computer Alpha 60, from Alphaville (1964) by Jean Luc Godard, the obvious inspiration for HAL-9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

This signature is not intended to offend any user, nor the relatives of Discovery 1 deputy commander Dr. Frank Poole,  and crew members Dr. Victor Kaminsky, Dr. Jack Kimball, and Dr. Charles Hunter.

Offline LizaSymonenko

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2017, 11:57:43 AM »
I will start.   We have all heard the groan-inducingly familiar "I don't believe in organized religion, I'm Orthodox."  But not all of us have heard this Russian gem:

"If a man has a good voice, you make him a deacon.  When his voice goes, you make him a priest.  When his mind goes, you make him a bishop."

Some of these are not funny, at all.

This speaks badly for the Church...

It's just an old Russian joke.  I believe it dates to the 18th or 19th century.  Needless to say, jokes like that are both self-deprecating and absurdist; if you're Orthodox you obviously don't actually believe that.  Actually, it was told to me by an Orthodox priest told me it when I in conversation mentioned the sublime basso profundo sound one frequently hears with Russian deacons.

I don't care the age or the source...but, when we start poking fun at our own Church...it's not good.  I've heard my fair share...and they usually come from individuals who think they are really smart....but, in their wisdom, or lack of it...when they belittle the Church before others...that negative impression remains with that audience....and they are less likely to take Orthodoxy seriously.

There are many things to joke about....God and Church are not on that list...at least not in my book.
Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.
—St. Isaac of Syria

Offline OrthoDisco

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2017, 06:14:30 PM »
« Last Edit: October 11, 2017, 06:19:03 PM by OrthoDisco »

Offline RaphaCam

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2018, 07:26:54 PM »
Found this on a Facebook philosophy meme page (probably why they're calling the saint simply "Cyril"):

"May the Lord our God remember in His kingdom all Holy Catholic Apostolic Church, which heralds the Word of Truth and fearlessly offers and distributes the Holy Oblation despite human deficiencies and persecutions moved by the powers of this world, in all time and unto the ages of ages."

Anyhow when God was asked he said Eastern Orthodox is true Church and not Catholic Church. So come home and enjoy.

Offline MariaJLM

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2018, 09:58:19 PM »
Top Signs You Might Be Russian Orthodox

By ‘Dmitri Letterman’

• On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.

• You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.

• You can automatically subtract 13 days from today’s date.

• On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.

• You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.

• You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.

• To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.

• You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter candy.

• You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling.

• When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.

• Before you pray, you say a prayer.

• You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.

• When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!

• You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.

• When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).

• The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.

• You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, ‘Let us complete our prayer to the Lord’, and there’s still half an hour to go.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2018, 09:58:37 PM by MariaJLM »

Offline LizaSymonenko

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Re: Jokes about the Orthodox Church
« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2018, 11:11:55 AM »
Those were actually spot on, and funny.  ;D
« Last Edit: February 21, 2018, 11:12:16 AM by LizaSymonenko »
Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.
—St. Isaac of Syria