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Author Topic: Internet dating - good or bad experiences?  (Read 471 times) Average Rating: 0
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Christopher McAvoy
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« on: May 28, 2014, 10:06:33 PM »

I have intentionally ignored women most of my life, now that I have a better income, I've decided I should start to pay attention to them. This is quite a transition to make, but it certainly is fun!

One of the first things I did, at a friends encouragement, was to try a Roman Catholic internet dating service for about 3 weeks. It was a challenge to make sense of it, because it seems quite different than real life. I have had one date so far. It was a somewhat odd experience. I thought the other person was quite nice, but I think I made a number of mistakes that put them off, or else we were simply too different. I discussed the situation with older wiser family members and friends, so I know exactly what to do better in the future.

After this one experience, I feel inspired focus more on asking girls out that I meet in person (generally other Roman Catholics). I'm not so certain the internet dating is that helpful, and I don't think I need it, but on the other hand it may not hurt anything, other than potential money it cost. The advice I hear is that people are best off with both asking people out in real life and internet dating, but not to rely exclusively on internet dating.

The problem that I see with internet dating is it seems to make people overly selective. For instance I believe particular women with particular pictures receive far too much interest from many men at one time and it overwhelms them.

Another weird problem is "zombie profiles", that is profiles from one to three years ago. One person I contacted it turned out she is already engaged to be married, and she forgot to delete her profile! That was really really strange!

Yeah, there's something about this internet dating concept that is strange. I can't put my finger on it. After another month I might quit. It seems to me that feeling people out in real life church related social scenarios where there is freedom to talk and know people is more practical. The old fashioned way really seems useful at this point. One person I saw their profile and knew them from church in real life, I think I had better success contacting them in person instead of the internet where frankly I think I might have been ignored!

I wondered if anyone else has had any experience with christian-type dating services. Have they been helpful or what?
It's quite a wacky world is it not? I wouldnt even consider any non-christian dating site.
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« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2014, 10:54:32 PM »

I can't speak for dating sites, but as for generally meeting people on the internet and starting a relationship...

My wife and I met on an Orthodox email group and started dating. We never would have met each other otherwise as we lived about 90 miles apart at the time. We would see each other in person maybe once a week, and talk on the phone and internet the rest of the week. We got married about a year later, and while the relationship didn't work out so well in later years, that had nothing to do with the internet part of it. I'd count that as a thumbs up for cyber dating.

I also met another girl on the internet, not on a religious or dating site. That relationship was somewhat dysfunctional from the start, though not a horrible one. Again I wouldn't blame the internet though. Everything that had been said online was pretty much accurate. Sometimes you just don't work out with people, that's true whether you meet them online or in church or you get set up by your sister. Gave it a shot, didn't work, oh well. I guess that's a thumbs slightly up.
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« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2014, 01:05:51 AM »

If you can meet plenty of people in real life, then there's probably no reason to go online? Since you are looking for Catholics, and most places it's easy to meet Catholics.

I can imagine it's probably much more difficult for Orthodox.

I met my husband on a Christian site, but I had decided about a week before he first contacted me that I wasn't available anymore. So I chatted with him as a friend, but discouraged him from pursuing me. But long story short - obviously we ended up married. And we never would have met - we lived thousands of miles apart. We do have some great difficulties in our marriage, but it has to do with things that happened later and nothing to do with the internet, so I wouldn't be against recommending it, if that were the best or only option.

I actually have quite a few female friends from that site (there was a forum) that I've kept up with over the years. I don't know of another dating site like that - it was absorbed by a larger site after we met. But the opportunity for forums and chat helped show personalities better than a written profile.

One piece of caution I would always give - even if both people are 100% honest (and I see no reason for people to not be - very strange - when they meet, they're going to see you're actually 6" shorter or whatever???) - but even if both people are completely honest, and even if you spend hours on the phone, there are going to be little blanks that your mind will fill in. Not that these are "lies" but ... we are used to dealing with a whole person. Not an internet persona, or a voice on the phone, or words in chat. Your mind will fill in details for you. And if you like the person, they're going to fill them in with all positive details. You won't know they tend to whistle through their teeth, or have a weird laugh, or something else that might put you off. What I'm getting at is - guard your heart. Don't let yourself develop deep feelings for what you learn about someone that you really don't know yet. Keep everything as practical as possible until you meet.

I made that mistake once, with a gentleman who also lived over 2,000 miles away, and we talked on the phone a LOT, and he was a great guy, and I let myself get too attached. We finally met and - there was nothing wrong with either of us, but we just didn't click and he also decided to pursue his career and go overseas. And I ended up having to grieve a relationship that was never really real, and felt very lonely when I missed having him on the phone all the time. Just a lesson ... if I'd been more careful I might have spared myself a little pain. Don't get too serious until you meet in person.

Other than that, I'd say be yourself. Not doing so would probably also lead to disaster.

Whatever you or anyone else decides, all the best to you. Smiley
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« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2014, 02:07:24 AM »

Internet dating is basically an online store; people are displayed as products, some used and new, some defective or adequate, some fake, etc. You can have a trial period before returning the item and looking for something different.

I think this commodification of people is deeply concerning as is the rise in consumption of its use. I have no doubt great relationships have been forged out of them based on mutual interests and shared activities but I cannot see myself selecting a mate as I would a tube of toothpaste at a grocery store, then going back and consuming even more. I am much too lazy to create a profile and select my list of "compatibilities".

Now the outcome of marriages/divorces of those who met on online dating sites would be of interest to me.
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« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2014, 02:15:59 PM »

Quote
One piece of caution I would always give - even if both people are 100% honest (and I see no reason for people to not be - very strange - when they meet, they're going to see you're actually 6" shorter or whatever???) - but even if both people are completely honest, and even if you spend hours on the phone, there are going to be little blanks that your mind will fill in. Not that these are "lies" but ... we are used to dealing with a whole person. Not an internet persona, or a voice on the phone, or words in chat. Your mind will fill in details for you. And if you like the person, they're going to fill them in with all positive details. You won't know they tend to whistle through their teeth, or have a weird laugh, or something else that might put you off. What I'm getting at is - guard your heart. Don't let yourself develop deep feelings for what you learn about someone that you really don't know yet. Keep everything as practical as possible until you meet.

I made that mistake once, with a gentleman who also lived over 2,000 miles away, and we talked on the phone a LOT, and he was a great guy, and I let myself get too attached. We finally met and - there was nothing wrong with either of us, but we just didn't click and he also decided to pursue his career and go overseas. And I ended up having to grieve a relationship that was never really real, and felt very lonely when I missed having him on the phone all the time. Just a lesson ... if I'd been more careful I might have spared myself a little pain. Don't get too serious until you meet in person.

That is the single best piece of advice I have ever heard about online dating.
This advice, taken seriously, EVERYONE will benefit from taking.

That is a very similar description to the one date I had so far from it.
Guarding your heart is indeed integral, what a profoundly true statement Anna has made.

I go into this internet dating with the assumption that we are random strangers until we meet in person, no matter how much we might think each other is a genius super model , in person we probably discover that we're only mildly cute doofuses both in denial over our social anxiety ! hahahaha  

Yeah it can be a commodification of people ..
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« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2014, 12:37:59 PM »

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« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2014, 12:56:07 PM »



Well I can't stand the Jesus fish and the Darwin fish always makes me smile, so now I don't know what to do.
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« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2014, 12:56:56 PM »

They did not have the internet when I was dating.  But I agree with what Anna is saying.  You can be totally honest and still have problems.  I would tell ladies that I had the body of a god.  They were disappointed when they found out that god was Buddah.  
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« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2014, 01:02:23 PM »

They did not have the internet when I was dating.  But I agree with what Anna is saying.  You can be totally honest and still have problems.  I would tell ladies that I had the body of a god.  They were disappointed when they found out that god was Buddah.  

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« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2014, 01:14:57 PM »

They did not have the internet when I was dating.  But I agree with what Anna is saying.  You can be totally honest and still have problems.  I would tell ladies that I had the body of a god.  They were disappointed when they found out that god was Buddah.  

What a great idea!
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« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2014, 01:54:37 PM »

What an extraordinary thread. The OP is particularly bemusing.

Well, I've never dated, online or locally, but my wife and I "met online." We corresponded and phoned for about seven months before we met (that it took so long was not intentional). In a flurry of unforseeable bizarre circumstances, we eloped soon after -- and that hasty wedding brought enough character into our marriage that I wouldn't be able to say what meeting online did for it.

I have developed intimate friendships online, met a few of these folks months or years after, and could tell plenty of stories of the emotional and practical vagaries thereof, but I think that is not what OP is asking about.
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« Reply #11 on: August 05, 2014, 01:56:31 PM »

None of the Internet dating sites that I tried worked out in terms of a relationship, but I did forge a few good friendships with some women that still survive to this day.  So, you may not find a spouse, but you may find a friend or two.  You can never have enough friends, because they may know someone who is right or you.

Be careful, though.  There are a lot of scammers out there who use these sites to swindle you.
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« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2014, 02:19:05 PM »

So, you may not find a spouse, but you may find a friend or two.  You can never have enough friends, because they may know someone who is right or you.

I don't know that men and women can really be friends forever. If there is zero attraction perhaps so. The idea of making friends through online dating sites seems unlikely to me. There is too much of an expectation of something more than friends. Does either person really contact the other because they want "only friendship" ? On rare occasions perhaps, but not often for most people. To each their own. More often than not previous dates simply fade away, and that's ok.
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« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2014, 02:25:01 PM »

So, you may not find a spouse, but you may find a friend or two.  You can never have enough friends, because they may know someone who is right or you.

I don't know that men and women can really be friends forever. If there is zero attraction perhaps so. The idea of making friends through online dating sites seems unlikely to me. There is too much of an expectation of something more than friends. Does either person really contact the other because they want "only friendship" ? On rare occasions perhaps, but not often for most people. To each their own. More often than not previous dates simply fade away, and that's ok.

I didn't say going to these sites to make friends was an expectation, but it was a nice "consolation prize" if you will after a relationship was not going to work out. I met these women face to face, went out together several times but it didn't work out for whatever reason.  We still kept in touch and do to this day.  There's nothing wrong or unbelievable about that.  Suum cuique.
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« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2014, 02:43:17 PM »

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We still kept in touch and do to this day.  There's nothing wrong or unbelievable about that

Yet there may be some instances where such a relationship could contribute to jealously in a future relationship?
Perhaps I have a more "Saudi Arabian" point of view.  Wink  Each situation would be unique. People are complex. Different people can handle different things.
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« Reply #15 on: August 05, 2014, 03:00:56 PM »

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We still kept in touch and do to this day.  There's nothing wrong or unbelievable about that

Yet there may be some instances where such a relationship could contribute to jealously in a future relationship?
Perhaps I have a more "Saudi Arabian" point of view.  Wink  Each situation would be unique. People are complex. Different people can handle different things.

I'm a lot like you when it comes to this.  The first requirement for a female friend is that she is at least 500 miles away.  I have a couple of those.  Within 500 miles, if I am not married to them, I avoid them.
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« Reply #16 on: August 05, 2014, 03:01:06 PM »

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We still kept in touch and do to this day.  There's nothing wrong or unbelievable about that

Yet there may be some instances where such a relationship could contribute to jealously in a future relationship?
Perhaps I have a more "Saudi Arabian" point of view.  Wink  Each situation would be unique. People are complex. Different people can handle different things.

It is a matter of different people, different situations.  Yes, it can lead to jealousy in some people - probably not in Scamandrius's situation.  Most of the girls I dated having met online, once they found someone else, I pretty much just stopped talking to them - no need.  Then again, I was with a girl for darn near three years and the breakup was pretty messy.  Now, a year, 1500 miles, and a new boyfriend later, I think we get along better than at any point in the relationship, and we do keep in sporadic contact, so there's that.
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« Reply #17 on: August 05, 2014, 05:47:50 PM »

My internet dating experiences have been.. questionable, most times. First girl I had gotten together with online- she was nice, if a bit unstable. We had already been co-writers for a bunch of shipping fanfictions, so I knew her well enough. I was very fond of her, but I sometimes felt rather inadequate, as I couldn't help her with her emotional problems, her low-self-esteem and constantly belittling herself. Brilliant writer, and a good poet- she had a way with words that certainly taught me a few things.  I tried to be the Little Therapist that Could, but... no. She was Catholic, though not especially devout.
Then there was a guy I ran into online; oddly enough, almost exactly the same type. Low-self-esteem, shy, and constantly belittling himself. More than a bit suicidal. Not particularly devout at all, though I tried to help with that. Another case of me turning into impromptu therapist and it not doing too much good.

Then another girl: oddly enough, the previous guy's ex. And... also another case of shy, low-self-esteem, and emotionally unstable. She was cute as can be, though- always had this adorable way she'd squeak whenever I complimented her. But, she broke it off and got back together with the previous guy.

Then another guy: Yet another case of shy, low-self esteem, constantly apologising. We never actually dated, though, as he had, well, never developed an attachment to another guy until me, and was constantly beating himself over the head because of it. Very devout, obviously, though Methodist. Our relationship, if you could call it that, was mostly a one-sided crush on his end, and my overreaching need to be a comforter on another. Heck, that probably explains most of my relationships- I run into the shy, the constantly-rejected, the often-overlooked, and my protect-and-comfort instinct rears up. It's like I'm the greeter for the lobby of an emotional health clinic.
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« Reply #18 on: August 05, 2014, 07:07:51 PM »

brastaseptim, either you're a confused homosexual - or I'm misunderstanding the mixed genders you're referring to.. Huh
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« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2014, 08:12:08 PM »

BIsexual, Christopher- there is a difference. For some reason, my attractions have a bad habit of being increasingly gender-blind.
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« Reply #20 on: August 05, 2014, 08:55:35 PM »

Heavens, really, there ought to be a private forum for these threads. (Not talking about your post alone, at all, by the way, brastaseptim.)
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« Reply #21 on: August 05, 2014, 08:58:41 PM »

Heavens, really, there ought to be a private forum for these threads. (Not talking about your post alone, at all, by the way, brastaseptim.)

Didn't think you were, Porter.
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« Reply #22 on: August 06, 2014, 01:38:34 AM »



Well I can't stand the Jesus fish and the Darwin fish always makes me smile, so now I don't know what to do.

I actually like both!  But instead of the word "Jesus", I would rather the word "ἰχθύς".  (And instead of "Darwin", I would rather the word "ἵστημι" Tongue )
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« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2014, 06:15:23 AM »

Internet dating is good, i founded my loving one in one URL, of course they killed her but we was happy.
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