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Author Topic: The "I Love You" in a relationship.  (Read 706 times) Average Rating: 0
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Paint It Red

« on: May 29, 2011, 09:20:54 PM »

Grace to you and peace from God and The Lord Jesus Christ!

Friends, I have just begun a relationship with a woman for about a month now that I am a bit head over heels for lol, however it has come to my attention that I have had to hold back on professing my love for this particular girl.

She wants to take it slow however already has made promises to never leave, cheat on me, etc. It sounds like she loves me, but she hasn't uttered that phrase yet.

I "accidently" told her a week ago and she didn't say it back. I was disappointed because every girl I've had a relationship with has said it too, and it took me by surprise. I haven't said it since, and waiting for her to say it.

As a male, I like to be assured. I don't want to have doubts, she talks about how I have her and all this stuff, but then she says if we ever lose feelings for one another we should tell each other so no one gets hurt, but obviously if I have feelings and she loses them well I would get hurt, and vice versa.

I said "I love you" prematurely, I was caught up in the moment we were sharing and I didn't know until she was in the hospital for the past week. I know in my heart I do, and for me it's a choice, it means "always" "I tie myself to you" "never never give up" etc.

But she has been taking these baby steps and not going to far with it and doesn't want to be pushed away. And a guy like me I carry my heart on my sleeve and want to tell her how much she means to me and get all gushy over her, but I feel that might deter her. She's not used to being treated as good from anyone else or getting all these romantic sayings and gesstures, and I make her extremely happy.

Not sure what I am doing wrong that she hasn't said it yet, I'm much too impatient I suppose, but how will I know if she does?

“There is your brother, naked, crying, and you stand there confused over the choice of an attractive floor covering.”

– St. Ambrose of Milan
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« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2011, 10:05:07 PM »

Not sure what I am doing wrong that she hasn't said it yet, I'm much too impatient I suppose, but how will I know if she does?

Make yourself take it slow. If it's worth it, you can wait. You'll know when you know.

I'm going to need this.
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« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2011, 10:15:32 PM »

A month!?!  That's only four weeks since you've met her.  Give the girl a chance!

It might be that she feels the same way, however, is being cautious so as not to suffer from a broken heart.

Many guys are commitment phobic...and will be happy to use a girl, and then move on to the next.  Perhaps, she's been hurt before, and doesn't want to be hurt again.

If this is the "real" thing...don't hurry...God willing, you will have a lifetime together.  Savor the courtship.     Wink

Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.
—St. Isaac of Syria
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« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2011, 10:38:36 PM »

I've said this in another thread but, according to my father confessor, it is important in the spiritual life to be "in the moment".

I don't think it's wrong to say that this also appleis to romantic matters!

The Episcopallian road is easy and wide, for many go through it to find destruction. lol sorry channeling Isa.
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« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2011, 01:06:09 AM »

Just wait and see. If she doesn't try to break it off, you're fine. Don't let it make things awkward, you can't control how she reacts or feels, but you can try to make sure that things are running smoothly/soberly/calmly/whatever on your end. Don't rush it though. I felt rushed by my wife to say "I love you" after she had said it multiple times to me, and that actually caused issues later in the marriage.

Optimist: Throw enough ideas at the wall and one is bound to stick.
Pessimist: Throw enough poo at the wall and the room is bound to stink.
Realist: You don't really need to throw things at walls to solve problems.
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« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2011, 06:36:17 AM »

Dude, love ain't a four letter word . . .

Seriously, since you feel free to make your personal life public here, then I think you should be careful about easily attaching and idealizing women.

It sounds like you have been hurt deeply from a recent past relationship.

In general, I think the whole "who says I love you first and did they reply" silly. But that comes with age.

Four weeks is probably affection and idealization. Nothing wrong with that it. It is great! Enjoy it!

Remember "I love you" is taken rather seriously by people, so you have to calibrate.

Not that you are but it sounds like you are already setting "rules" and "promises" about a relationship that is just beginning. That can be signs of insecurity and need for control. It can feel claustrophobic for the other involved.

Maybe you have a wonderfully or pathologically openness and desire for intimacy. This is the internet, so how do we know? Slow and steady is never bad advice.

And therapy ain't bad advice, if you find yourself later in a similar spot you were in after your last relationship.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but I toned it down. It is out of empathy, I write this.

Ignorance is not a lack, but a passion.
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« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2011, 09:52:19 AM »

As a pile on, the initial "in love" we feel is infatuation. If you aren't familiar, this is the feeling of euphoria we feel with  the sensation that the individual is perfect, despite being an axe murderer, they are PERFECT! This feeling can last upwards of two years.

Take it slow.

I'm going to need this.
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« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2011, 11:23:05 AM »

Instead of a verbal "I love you," show it by small deeds of kindness, such as offering to open the car door, replacing or fixing something that is broke, but don't make it too expensive.  Actions speak louder than words.
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Inserting personal quote here.

« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2011, 06:16:27 PM »

A month!?!  That's only four weeks since you've met her.  Give the girl a chance!
I met my wife on in january, we were married on Feb 28 same year....still together Smiley


PS And no not THIS january.....
« Last Edit: June 03, 2011, 06:19:58 PM by primuspilus » Logged

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« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2011, 06:33:26 PM »

Love is not a word, it's a deed. It's not an emotion, it's an act of will. Be loving and kind, and give her time.

If your gal loves you, she will make it known to you.

Sometimes people are reticent about saying such things because they are just not ready to proceed. Something in the past, natural disposition, distrust, fear, bad timing, a need to verify, a need to decide, or simply because it means so much to them--they do not throw the word around vainly. These days, society is so disfunctional that saying 'I love you' is often the equivalent of handing them the keys to the car, and saying, "Run for your life!" In some circles, it's the last truly shocking thing you can do.

Respect her reasons, whatever they may be. You don't want her to say it unless it's true.

And get it out of your mind that love will always look and act as you believe it should. We make a big mistake in thinking someone else expresses their innermost feelings exactly as we do. It sets us up for nothing but disappointment and needless heartache. Bad way to start a relationship.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2011, 06:41:48 PM by sainthieu » Logged
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What about frogs? I like frogs!

« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2011, 07:29:52 PM »

I told my boyfriend (now husband) that I was falling in love with him about a month into dating. He said "I'm flattered" and nothing else. A month later he wrote me a song ***swoon*** a month after that we kissed for the first time, 3 years later we were married, 18 years later (now) we are even more in love than we were when we first professed our love.

I would think her hesitancy to throw the term love around is a positive thing.
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