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Author Topic: How To Move On...  (Read 800 times) Average Rating: 0
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Justin Kissel
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« on: May 12, 2011, 12:20:47 AM »

(Let me preface this by saying that I am not depressed, or in an overly-emotional state, I am really just looking for thoughts and advice on the topic).

How do you move on when you've lost a soulmate? How do you approach future relationships? What if someone seems pretty good but they don't quite measure up to the soulmate, do you go forward (marriage, family, etc.) with them anyway? I suppose you could say "don't settle for second best, that's not fair to either person," but will anyone be able to measure up to someone you think of as a soulmate? I feel silly for even using that term, I have a hard enough time with the concept of even having a soul, and I'm quite materialistic in my perceptions of love and attraction and so forth. Yet soulmate seems to best convey what I'm asking about. A relationship that just seemed perfect, where two people connected so well on so many levels. But then life gets in the way and you lose that person. Then what?
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2011, 12:30:10 AM »

It's difficult, but doable. 

Just try to keep focused on the future, remembering that the good times you once had will come again, even if your life at present shows no signs of them.  Just focus on the future and the good in your life at present and the good things that are in store for you in the future and focus an Jesus as well.
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« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2011, 12:46:05 AM »

It is best if you can find someone wiling to honor her memory, especially since she was the mother of your children. I have a friend who remarried recently and his wife honors his ex-wife, which is really cool, because this man still loves his wife who reposed and never will stop. His new wife is not threatened by that.
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« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2011, 12:46:41 AM »

I would remind you that the early Orthodox Christians didn't remarry, and that many felt that to only be married once was a sign of extreme devotion. I'm not saying that's what you should do at all, but you should be reminded that that is a holy path that many before you have taken.

Are your kids living with you right now?
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Justin Kissel
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« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2011, 01:22:28 AM »

I don't mean to ignore any other comments, which I hope to return to tomorrow, but regarding my children, they don't live with me now (I see them on the weekends), though they are supposed to move back in with me after I finish my bachelors degree. Now, as to how I'm going to work a full time job, be a single dad of two young children, and do graduate work, all at the same time, I don't know... but that's the plan.  Undecided
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« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2011, 01:30:26 AM »

(Let me preface this by saying that I am not depressed, or in an overly-emotional state, I am really just looking for thoughts and advice on the topic).

How do you move on when you've lost a soulmate? How do you approach future relationships? What if someone seems pretty good but they don't quite measure up to the soulmate, do you go forward (marriage, family, etc.) with them anyway? I suppose you could say "don't settle for second best, that's not fair to either person," but will anyone be able to measure up to someone you think of as a soulmate? I feel silly for even using that term, I have a hard enough time with the concept of even having a soul, and I'm quite materialistic in my perceptions of love and attraction and so forth. Yet soulmate seems to best convey what I'm asking about. A relationship that just seemed perfect, where two people connected so well on so many levels. But then life gets in the way and you lose that person. Then what?
I was sorry to hear of your misfortune. Lord have mercy.
Your question is a difficult one and I don't know if there is one answer that would work for everyone.  Some people would be OK with remaining single for the rest of their lives, whereas others might be OK with another soulmate, especially if she were accepted by the family.  Perhaps it would not be good to rush into things.
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« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2011, 08:21:33 AM »

I don't mean to ignore any other comments, which I hope to return to tomorrow, but regarding my children, they don't live with me now (I see them on the weekends), though they are supposed to move back in with me after I finish my bachelors degree. Now, as to how I'm going to work a full time job, be a single dad of two young children, and do graduate work, all at the same time, I don't know... but that's the plan.  Undecided

I, too, was once a single dad trying to work, go to school an raise my daughter on my own. You cannot properly focus on all 3. One had to give, and rightfully, it was school, which I went back to when she was later. By choosing to have a child, it was my first responsibility to raise her, and the job was going to allow me to do so. I will never regret putting my schooling on hold to spend my non-work time with my child while she was young.
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« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2011, 11:01:31 AM »

It is best if you can find someone wiling to honor her memory, especially since she was the mother of your children. I have a friend who remarried recently and his wife honors his ex-wife, which is really cool, because this man still loves his wife who reposed and never will stop. His new wife is not threatened by that.

Soulmate or no, this is the sort of woman you're looking for now.

I, too, was once a single dad trying to work, go to school an raise my daughter on my own. You cannot properly focus on all 3. One had to give, and rightfully, it was school, which I went back to when she was later. By choosing to have a child, it was my first responsibility to raise her, and the job was going to allow me to do so. I will never regret putting my schooling on hold to spend my non-work time with my child while she was young.

Finish the BA, find work, bring your daughter home and raise her. Your life is not your own.
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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2011, 12:02:59 PM »

Perhaps this article will offer some insight?
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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2011, 02:36:33 PM »

Maybe this could help...

St John Cassian: REMEDIES FOR THE EIGHT PRINCIPAL FAULTS.
BOOK IX. CHAPTER XIII.

The means by which we can root out dejection from our hearts.

"We should then be able to expel this most injurious passion from our hearts, so that by spiritual meditation we may keep our mind constantly occupied with hope of the future and contemplation of the promised blessedness. For in this way we shall be able to get the better of all those sorts of dejection, whether those which flow from previous anger or those which come to us from disappointment of gain, or from some loss, or those which spring from a wrong done to us, or those which arise from an unreasonable disturbance of mind, or those which bring on us a deadly despair, if, ever joyful with an insight into things eternal and future, and continuing immovable, we are not depressed by present accidents, or over-elated by prosperity, but look on each condition as uncertain and likely soon to pass away."

http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf211.iv.iii.ix.xiii.html

in XC,
zekarja
« Last Edit: May 12, 2011, 02:36:55 PM by zekarja » Logged

Justin Kissel
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« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2011, 01:20:06 AM »

I said in the original post that I was not depressed. That was only half true. I was not depressed at the moment I made the post. But I have been very depressed off and on lately. After my wife died, I had one person in my life that I really confided in about a lot of things, and unfortunately she is no longer in my life. I’ve been thinking about the general stuff brought up in this thread for well over a year now, so it’s not just a result of the depression. Still, nothing plays on the strings of depression like uncertainty, and  I have a lot of that at the moment. So I really do thank you all for your comments. Smiley

It's difficult, but doable. 

Just try to keep focused on the future, remembering that the good times you once had will come again, even if your life at present shows no signs of them.  Just focus on the future and the good in your life at present and the good things that are in store for you in the future and focus an Jesus as well.

Yeah, that’s a tough one. It’s easy to fall into the rut of thinking back… on the good times, and also on the bad times (and kicking myself for not doing certain things differently). I’ve also been told offline by someone to not let myself dwell too much on the past, but to keep moving forward.

It is best if you can find someone wiling to honor her memory, especially since she was the mother of your children. I have a friend who remarried recently and his wife honors his ex-wife, which is really cool, because this man still loves his wife who reposed and never will stop. His new wife is not threatened by that.

If that’s my path, I’ll definitely have to find someone like that. I got a tattoo on my upper left chest as a memorial for Mary after she died, and my step mother was aghast. “How could you get that?” she asked. “What about when you start dating again? No woman is going to want to see that!”  Frankly, I don’t understand this mindset. It’s not like a have a shrine dedicated to her or something Smiley

I would remind you that the early Orthodox Christians didn't remarry, and that many felt that to only be married once was a sign of extreme devotion. I'm not saying that's what you should do at all, but you should be reminded that that is a holy path that many before you have taken.

Are your kids living with you right now?

This is a good point (about not remarrying), and I’ve been thinking about that: whether I would be able to walk that path, and whether I’d want to.  It’s been 16 months since Mary died, but I don’t think that’s enough time to make the decision, not for me anyway.  I don’t feel pulled strongly in either direction, so right now I’m just sort of waiting to see what happens. Since monasticism isn’t an option, I wonder how I’d cope with being around all sorts of attractive girls all day (not that monastics don‘t also struggle with similar issues).

I was sorry to hear of your misfortune. Lord have mercy.
Your question is a difficult one and I don't know if there is one answer that would work for everyone.  Some people would be OK with remaining single for the rest of their lives, whereas others might be OK with another soulmate, especially if she were accepted by the family.  Perhaps it would not be good to rush into things.

I suppose I already said that I’m not going to rush into things, but I wanted to quote you anyway, so it didn’t seem like I was ignoring your post. Smiley

I, too, was once a single dad trying to work, go to school an raise my daughter on my own. You cannot properly focus on all 3. One had to give, and rightfully, it was school, which I went back to when she was later. By choosing to have a child, it was my first responsibility to raise her, and the job was going to allow me to do so. I will never regret putting my schooling on hold to spend my non-work time with my child while she was young.

If it is not too private to ask, have you since returned to school? And either way, what age do you think it’s appropriate? How long do you wait? And do you eventually use babysitters or family watching them, or do you/did you wait until they are old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours?

Soulmate or no, this is the sort of woman you're looking for now....

Finish the BA, find work, bring your daughter home and raise her. Your life is not your own.

Maybe I should put that on my wall as a reminder: my life is not my own. I tend to be quite self-centered in the way I use my time.  Undecided

Perhaps this article will offer some insight?

Thank you. As I said earlier, I’m still conflicted as to what direction to go, but it was an interesting article. Smiley

Maybe this could help...

St John Cassian: REMEDIES FOR THE EIGHT PRINCIPAL FAULTS.
BOOK IX. CHAPTER XIII.

The means by which we can root out dejection from our hearts.

"We should then be able to expel this most injurious passion from our hearts, so that by spiritual meditation we may keep our mind constantly occupied with hope of the future and contemplation of the promised blessedness. For in this way we shall be able to get the better of all those sorts of dejection, whether those which flow from previous anger or those which come to us from disappointment of gain, or from some loss, or those which spring from a wrong done to us, or those which arise from an unreasonable disturbance of mind, or those which bring on us a deadly despair, if, ever joyful with an insight into things eternal and future, and continuing immovable, we are not depressed by present accidents, or over-elated by prosperity, but look on each condition as uncertain and likely soon to pass away."

http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf211.iv.iii.ix.xiii.html


Yes, thank you for posting it! Smiley
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"No man gives the same exegesis twice: for he is not the same man, and it is not the same text." - St. Heraclitus
Nigula Qian Zishi
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我美丽的妻子和我。

nstanosheck
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« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2011, 08:47:05 PM »

I, too, was once a single dad trying to work, go to school an raise my daughter on my own. You cannot properly focus on all 3. One had to give, and rightfully, it was school, which I went back to when she was later. By choosing to have a child, it was my first responsibility to raise her, and the job was going to allow me to do so. I will never regret putting my schooling on hold to spend my non-work time with my child while she was young.

If it is not too private to ask, have you since returned to school? And either way, what age do you think it’s appropriate? How long do you wait? And do you eventually use babysitters or family watching them, or do you/did you wait until they are old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours?

I went part time later on when family could watch her and she was in school, 1 class at a time, then when she became a teenager I was able to do it more on a full-time basis.
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