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Author Topic: Should I be offended??  (Read 485 times) Average Rating: 0
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RehamG
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« on: April 06, 2014, 09:14:45 PM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.


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« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2014, 09:23:41 PM »

I'd be creeped out if anyone talked to me like that.  You have every right to be offended.   Smiley
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« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2014, 09:28:03 PM »

Not creeped out but maybe it was an ego hit?

I probably typed it in a less than stellar sounding way lol, but that was the gist of it. English also is not his native language. Bah!
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« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2014, 09:39:30 PM »

Ego hit in what way?   Huh

Ah, I see.  My apologies.  angel
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« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2014, 09:41:54 PM »

I suppose there is always the question of why did he stay talking to someone like you.
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« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2014, 09:42:40 PM »

Ego hit, because every girl would like to be loved for herself....

not because she was a soul to save...or a challenge...or anything like that.

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« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2014, 09:46:45 PM »

Ego hit, because every girl would like to be loved for herself....

not because she was a soul to save...or a challenge...or anything like that.



There ya go.
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« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2014, 09:50:43 PM »

I suppose there is always the question of why did he stay talking to someone like you.

Somehow I never bothered to ask that one. But after being together 1.5 years there must be a good reason. Maybe I'm being a whiny baby though, no one loves anyone from moment one really, and in the beginning we were friends who discussed religion. Nothing more.
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« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2014, 09:53:43 PM »

I will say..its not the nicest thing ever said....

mainly because men are putzes...and manage to put their foot in their mouth often...


however...how many other people has he met over the years that he didn't decide to 'save'?  There was something about you that made him wish to save you.

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« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2014, 09:56:04 PM »

I will say..its not the nicest thing ever said....

mainly because men are putzes...and manage to put their foot in their mouth often...


however...how many other people has he met over the years that he didn't decide to 'save'?  There was something about you that made him wish to save you.



Never thought of it that way.
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« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2014, 10:34:30 PM »

Did he mean he wanted to save your soul at first, but then fell in love after getting to know you, or does it have a more negative connotation?  Better make sure.
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« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2014, 10:48:29 PM »

Your fiance is Egyptian, you said?
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« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2014, 11:37:48 PM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.

Well, did he mean that he started pursuing a romantic interest in you because he wanted to save your soul, or did he just start talking to you for that reason? If it's the latter that's not so bad, but if the former... that's honestly kind of strange.
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« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2014, 12:15:39 AM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.

Well, did he mean that he started pursuing a romantic interest in you because he wanted to save your soul, or did he just start talking to you for that reason? If it's the latter that's not so bad, but if the former... that's honestly kind of strange.

A Christian who shows true love wants for his love to be with him in heaven.
This is kind of a unique Orthodox way of looking at marriage.
In the West, people marry until death.
In the East, people marry for eternity, so love wills for the salvation of one's spouse.
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« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2014, 12:45:00 AM »

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

From what you've said about your history with him, it sounds like his initial interest in you was as a friend; he wanted to save your soul through your talks about religion. After awhile, he realized that he loved you. The rest, as they say, is history.

You should realize that not all guys are the most poetic romantics in the world. You asked him a question (a fair one), and he probably gave the most honest answer he could think of. I don't think he meant to hurt your feelings. Actually, I think it's kind of cute; he basically said that he stumbled across something much deeper than he initially thought he would. It's kind of "romantic comedy" in its own way.
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« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2014, 01:27:11 AM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.




crucial question: did he say "I didn't expect to love you." or "I didn't expect to fall in love with you."?
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« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2014, 09:11:39 AM »

Every man wants to be the rescuer, the hero, of the relationship. 
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« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2014, 09:17:25 AM »


Hey, it's not as bad as my friend got from her husband, "I only married you because you came along at the exact time my dog died. You filled the void left by Betsy."
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« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2014, 09:18:46 AM »

Looking at the question as well as the answer, and taking into consideration that English isn't his first language, he probably took your question literally - why did you have an interest in me?  He probably put this question in a specific place and time - why did you initially have an interest in me.  Thus - I wanted to save your soul, I never expected to love you.  He probably came into things as a friendship, specifically one of a missionary sort, he didn't go into things hoping to woo you.  I don't think that he is saying that all you are to him is a saved soul, he is just assuming that you know he loves you.

Generally with men, you don't have to look for double meanings in what we say.  We tend to mean what we say, especially if we go to the effort of translating it in our heads into a foreign tongue.  
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« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2014, 09:24:34 AM »

Every man wants to be the rescuer, the hero, of the relationship. 

Perhaps. But I daresay, not many women like to think of themselves as a "project." Personally, and this is just me, I wouldn't want someone to say it to me.

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« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2014, 09:26:51 AM »

I don't think that he is saying that all you are to him is a saved soul, he is just assuming that you know he loves you.

That reminded me of my father-in-law who told his wife, "I told you I loved you when we got married. If anything changes, I'll let you know."
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« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2014, 09:29:54 AM »

Every man wants to be the rescuer, the hero, of the relationship. 

Perhaps. But I daresay, not many women like to think of themselves as a "project." Personally, and this is just me, I wouldn't want someone to say it to me.


Indeed. George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion comes to mind.
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« Reply #22 on: April 07, 2014, 09:56:19 AM »

Your fiance is Egyptian, you said?

Yes. I was Muslim when we met.
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« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2014, 09:58:16 AM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.

Well, did he mean that he started pursuing a romantic interest in you because he wanted to save your soul, or did he just start talking to you for that reason? If it's the latter that's not so bad, but if the former... that's honestly kind of strange.

Not the former. He was my friend for a long time before, no romantic interest to start.
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« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2014, 11:30:02 AM »

But I daresay, not many women like to think of themselves as a "project." Personally, and this is just me, I wouldn't want someone to say it to me.

Many men feel the same way.  Wink
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« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2014, 11:30:42 AM »

Looking at the question as well as the answer, and taking into consideration that English isn't his first language, he probably took your question literally - why did you have an interest in me?  He probably put this question in a specific place and time - why did you initially have an interest in me.  Thus - I wanted to save your soul, I never expected to love you.  He probably came into things as a friendship, specifically one of a missionary sort, he didn't go into things hoping to woo you.  I don't think that he is saying that all you are to him is a saved soul, he is just assuming that you know he loves you.

This is more or less how I read the situation in the OP. 
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« Reply #26 on: April 07, 2014, 11:34:40 AM »

But maybe he wanted to save you because he thought you were smokin' hot.

He probably didn't want to save some random ugly girl. Trust me on this.
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« Reply #27 on: April 07, 2014, 04:40:33 PM »

I don't think that he is saying that all you are to him is a saved soul, he is just assuming that you know he loves you.

That reminded me of my father-in-law who told his wife, "I told you I loved you when we got married. If anything changes, I'll let you know."
Smart man.  My father-in-law is the same way. Grin
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« Reply #28 on: April 07, 2014, 08:50:07 PM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.

I know we are all crowd sourcing everything these days, from freezer to odometer repairs, I wouldn't let such stuff become the subject of the voices of the rabble, especially around here. I mean nearly every response in this thread was a groaner.

You got offended. OK. It doesn't sound like it's anything that is going to put the relationship into jeopardy. OK.

You are allowed to be offended by what someone says, even if that someone meant something entirely different than what you thought they did. Why are you allowed? Because you were offended.

Feelings, thoughts, and emotions are not the things of moral investigation, outside the nearly perfected lives we read about when looking at the lives of the Saints or the members of oc.net.

What such feelings, thoughts, and emotions are for the rest of us are exactly what we do with them. Perhaps you let this offense go. Perhaps it hurts enough to bring it up. If you do either, then I would suggest you do so in the spirit of charity and in order to draw closer to the one whom you love.

Pain gets too much press around here as some spiritual good (a lot of pathology gets a spiritual pass), but pain can be one way of making any relationship stronger. It can teach us about the other and how they are able to hurt us and thus give us the solitary work of learning to manage such future injuries so that we don't cloud the relationship with resentment and pointless moral economic calculation, or if shared in the right spirit it allows for the possibility for the other to learn to be more careful with own weakness. Either way, the relationship will be the better for it.

From a few of your recent posts, it sounds you have more than little anxiety about your future with this man and with the Church. It's OK. Be care-full. Be kind, perhaps in your case to yourself first.

There is a ton more to say about your situation based on your posts here, but in short be careful.
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« Reply #29 on: April 07, 2014, 09:35:17 PM »

While it's not the most romantic or poetic way to put it, it sounds like he was being honest.

Maybe the question you really want to hear the answer to is why he loves you and wants to marry you.

Asking questions like that can sometimes not give the results you might want to hear though. I guess I normally wouldn't do it. But it does sound like he just answered your question honestly, and maybe what you really wanted was the answer to a different question.
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« Reply #30 on: April 08, 2014, 08:59:24 AM »

While it's not the most romantic or poetic way to put it, it sounds like he was being honest.

Maybe the question you really want to hear the answer to is why he loves you and wants to marry you.

Asking questions like that can sometimes not give the results you might want to hear though. I guess I normally wouldn't do it. But it does sound like he just answered your question honestly, and maybe what you really wanted was the answer to a different question.

Is there like a smartphone app or something that tells men the ridiculous answers they should be giving when the women in their lives ask them a silly question.  I have given some retarded answers to questions sometimes only to find out that I did the right thing.  It's exasperating.
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« Reply #31 on: April 08, 2014, 09:52:06 AM »

While it's not the most romantic or poetic way to put it, it sounds like he was being honest.

Maybe the question you really want to hear the answer to is why he loves you and wants to marry you.

Asking questions like that can sometimes not give the results you might want to hear though. I guess I normally wouldn't do it. But it does sound like he just answered your question honestly, and maybe what you really wanted was the answer to a different question.

Is there like a smartphone app or something that tells men the ridiculous answers they should be giving when the women in their lives ask them a silly question.  I have given some retarded answers to questions sometimes only to find out that I did the right thing.  It's exasperating.

I don't think I have much of an answer for that. My husband is "brutally honest" and often says things that are hurtful - even if they are honest.

I would advise anyone (male or female) to just try to put yourself in another person's place. Think for a moment before you answer, and try to see how they may take what you intend to say. Try to see what it is they are really asking you. (But I don't like playing games - that kind of communication is best stopped, imo.)

If your answer is true, but not kind, is there a kinder way to say it without devaluing the truth?

Does it even need to be said? When telling the story of how we met, my husband will invariably say that he found fault with my appearance - and I don't think that is really necessary. After many repetitions, it's painful to hear someone ask because I know what's coming.

I think sometimes, we put "truth" above "love" ... and I'm not so sure that's the Father's heart.

But sometimes love demands that we share painful truths. We ought to be sure of our motives before we do though, and be sure that we are doing it for the other person's benefit.

I'm not saying you are doing that. And truly, men and women seem to say things in different ways. I had trouble when first married, my husband would get upset and I honestly had no idea why, but then if I could get him to explain, I would see that he felt my words disrespected him in some way. I had to learn that he needed to be spoken to differently in order to feel respected. Because I love him, I made the effort to do that.

I still slip up sometimes. But for the sake of marriage, I think it is worth working to learn how to please and build the other one up in ways that are truly good for them.

I'm not sure if this is an "Orthodox" answer, but ... since you quoted my post, I'm just giving the best answer I can give.

Surely others could improve on it.

And no, no smartphone ap. Wink If there were, I wouldn't trust the answers that came from it.
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« Reply #32 on: April 08, 2014, 10:02:49 AM »

No, you shouldn't be offended. Its not like that is the reason he loves you now. That could have been the way God chose to get you two together. The fact is, he loves you for the right reasons now.

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« Reply #33 on: April 08, 2014, 01:00:27 PM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.




Why would you be offended at honesty? 

So what, he had no intention of falling in love with you at the beginning.  What initiated his interest in you is no longer what keeps him around.  A relationship developed.  That is a good thing.

The reasons I initially was interested in my wife are no longer the reasons I am still interested in her.  In fact, those reasons no longer even exist and have not for a very, very long time.  What began as a casual friendship developed into marriage.  Truthfully, she was not even interested in my at first.  I do not find that offensive at all.  I am just glad she changed her mind.
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« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2014, 01:00:27 PM »

Because I slightly do. I love my fiance, but one of our random conversations brought up the topic of why he decided to even have an interest in someone like me. Rather than say it was due to my nice personality, pretty eyes, sense of humor or something that made sense he says....

"I wanted to save your soul. I didn't expect to love you."

Yes. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I was not Christian when we met but still, that one stings a bit.




Does any guy (or girl) meet any girl (or guy) expecting to love him/her?  No.  That's not a hit on your ego or should cause you offense because that's just the way life is.  I never expected to fall in love with my wife.  I knew her for 6 years before that happened. 
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« Reply #35 on: April 08, 2014, 01:41:48 PM »

While it's not the most romantic or poetic way to put it, it sounds like he was being honest.

Maybe the question you really want to hear the answer to is why he loves you and wants to marry you.

Asking questions like that can sometimes not give the results you might want to hear though. I guess I normally wouldn't do it. But it does sound like he just answered your question honestly, and maybe what you really wanted was the answer to a different question.

Is there like a smartphone app or something that tells men the ridiculous answers they should be giving when the women in their lives ask them a silly question.  I have given some retarded answers to questions sometimes only to find out that I did the right thing.  It's exasperating.

I don't think I have much of an answer for that. My husband is "brutally honest" and often says things that are hurtful - even if they are honest.

I would advise anyone (male or female) to just try to put yourself in another person's place. Think for a moment before you answer, and try to see how they may take what you intend to say. Try to see what it is they are really asking you. (But I don't like playing games - that kind of communication is best stopped, imo.)

If your answer is true, but not kind, is there a kinder way to say it without devaluing the truth?

Does it even need to be said? When telling the story of how we met, my husband will invariably say that he found fault with my appearance - and I don't think that is really necessary. After many repetitions, it's painful to hear someone ask because I know what's coming.

I think sometimes, we put "truth" above "love" ... and I'm not so sure that's the Father's heart.

But sometimes love demands that we share painful truths. We ought to be sure of our motives before we do though, and be sure that we are doing it for the other person's benefit.

I'm not saying you are doing that. And truly, men and women seem to say things in different ways. I had trouble when first married, my husband would get upset and I honestly had no idea why, but then if I could get him to explain, I would see that he felt my words disrespected him in some way. I had to learn that he needed to be spoken to differently in order to feel respected. Because I love him, I made the effort to do that.

I still slip up sometimes. But for the sake of marriage, I think it is worth working to learn how to please and build the other one up in ways that are truly good for them.

I'm not sure if this is an "Orthodox" answer, but ... since you quoted my post, I'm just giving the best answer I can give.

Surely others could improve on it.

And no, no smartphone ap. Wink If there were, I wouldn't trust the answers that came from it.


"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Thumper's mother
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« Reply #36 on: April 08, 2014, 02:16:24 PM »

I'm pretty sure he just said that he loves you.

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« Reply #37 on: April 08, 2014, 02:31:08 PM »

Clearly I am over-sensitive about these things. Bah!
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« Reply #38 on: April 08, 2014, 02:35:24 PM »

But maybe he wanted to save you because he thought you were smokin' hot.

He probably didn't want to save some random ugly girl. Trust me on this.

This sounds more like the truth.

He knew that he could not marry one outside the Church, but he was attracted to you.
Some guys are not poetic, but his actions speak louder than his words.
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