well, I have a problem. I had been doing so well, but I fell back into the temptation of looking at pornography again. please allow me to explain why. not to defend my sin, but so you may pray for my father, too.
It seems I look at pornography when I'm having a terrible day. well, I had quite a bad day yestereday. it's 2:50 in the morning here, and I can't get to sleep. I keep thining about this.
I have really been trying to rebuild my relationship with my dad. he is being recieved into the Church. when he became a catechumen, I hugged him for the first time in at least a year and a half. I have been trying so hard, but now it seems he hasn't noticed.
my mother called me and said he was in a bad mood. he called her and said he was sick of her "f***ing fat a**".
when I got into the car, he was mad. I don't know why. I was doing homework with my books in the back seat, and we had just dropped my sister off at the dentist. he told me to sit in the front of the car, and I told him I couldn't because I was working on homework (I have an exam today I was studying for).
he backed the car up dangerously fast (seriously.) and said "fine, f*** this". and he told me he was callng our priest and telling him we won't be traveling to pan-Orthodox vespers this Sunday. I honestly don't care, as I went to this Church alst year. I thought he wanted to go (he was quite eager). he likes to punish me by not taking me to Church.
anyway, in the car he went on and on about how I don't "f***ing respect" him and such. when I got home, it put me in tears. I honestly don't know what I did. I'd been working so very hard to rebuild our relationship, and it's asthough he just squished my efforts with this boot.
now, I am very upset. when I get like this, I fall into the sin. mostly looking at pornography. I guess, like any addiction, I need it when I'm down.
I'm having a very rough time. I'm going to confession tomorrow, but please pray for me.