Greetings in that Divine and Most Precious Name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
at Pascha we emphasize that Jesus defeated death by trampling on death...i think, but am not certain, that this is the piece i have trouble marrying with all the other pieces...i think.....ugh....
You actually have got it, better than most! Yes, we are absolutely unworthy, yes it makes absolutely no sense according to the limited reasoning and sense of justice according to our own humanity. Humans seek vengance, justice, permanence, conclusions, etc etc. We expect God to do the same, but we were made in His Image, not He in ours.. God loves all. His Love is transcendental to our weaknesses. It is precisely NOT SUPPOSED to make any sense to us. Quite the opposite, it is supposed to overwhelm us with bewilderment, confusion, uncertainity, because these lead us directly, tangibly, realistically to God. When we grope for God in the darkness of our inability to understand His Divine Love, that is when He is most able to demonstrate it effectively in our lives.
God's love is operative, it is a force. It is a verb, not a concept. It acts. It heals. It consoles. It conciliates.
I was standing at Divine Liturgy this past Sunday with a horrible weight on my heart, full of anxiety and apprehension about several things. I couldn't shake it, even if I wanted to. My mind was reeling and at battle with itself, because I knew what I was feeling didn't make sense, and yet the feelings only grew stronger outside of my control. It was like a literal knot on my heart, binding me closed in pain, in fear, in doubt. However I gave God the chance, I remained standing there in the sincerity of my confusion. And there God came to me, and subtly melted the knots until my heart felt His Love, until my burdens fell away. There was no logical reason for this. There were no intellectual epiphanies, Tony Robbins didn't come in and help me organize my life and make it all make sense and be easy, no not at all. Rather, God Himself came to my heart, and with His Love, despite my sins, despite my confusions, He healed me, that I might live outside of fear, of apprehension, of uneasiness.
It is better for it not to make sense, that allows God to truly be the one doing all the work. When you have these kinds of feelings, stand in prayer and let God heal you directly. It will never make sense, but God will come to you and you will feel simultaneously the same confusing humanity we possess and yet also in tandem workings, the Holy Spirit guiding us through, carrying us in our weaknesses, precisely because of our weaknesses.