Author Topic: Am I being too extreme on this?  (Read 1836 times)

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Offline Shiny

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Am I being too extreme on this?
« on: February 07, 2011, 02:35:52 AM »
As some people on this forum know, I am struggling with sexual sins and lust. I brought it up with my girlfriend and she seemed supportive of my change, however when she is near I do get into a heavy temptation to indulge in my sin. Someone mentioned to stay away from home and do events outside, which I think is beneficial in alot of ways. She told me 3 days ago she missed that part of our relationship, and I confess I do too but she got really disappointed about it...and well I gave in. I can't keep doing this and I am not sure if she is the right person who I want with to help strengthen my relationship with God. I decided to take a break today and to think some things over in my life, and she wasn't too happy about it. I've tried to reach out to her, but I have been given the cold shoulder.

My heart is a bit heavy on this grief and my eyes so easily wander on the internet, and well my passions become uncontrollable for me. I don't feel I have the power to overcome them. The extreme part is, I wonder if it was for my benefit to remove the computer, television, or sorts of things out of my life and just keep books. Try to keep a really simple life, and not have any sort of temptations come my way.

Am I being irrational?
« Last Edit: February 07, 2011, 02:37:23 AM by Aposphet »
“There is your brother, naked, crying, and you stand there confused over the choice of an attractive floor covering.”

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Offline IssacTheSyrian

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2011, 02:54:13 AM »
It depends. I have problems with addictions, (internet, etc) and I found that I have to limit my curiousity and cut off my will. I found that temptations come upon me because of my not limiting my use of the internet. You have to limit (or don't use it at all) your use by cutting off the will. After you cut off the will you should want to pray the Jesus prayer in stillness and try to cut off all sense perceptions. You should try to enter the sanctuary of the heart.

All these sense perceptions keep our minds going wild and when they're wild its almost impossible to calm them down. The Jesus prayer and stillness calms even the fiercest conflict.

This is just my own experience, I suffer temptations as well.
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Offline quietmorning

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2011, 09:51:38 AM »
From what I experience - without the temptation, I get weak, with the temptation, I fall, but I get up and each time I get up I get a little stronger.  I've also found that as soon as I get one temptation beat, another one fills it's place very quickly. . .'cause this is a war, after all.  I'll fight until the day I die, I'm sure.  Sometimes I get tired and I ask for others to pray for me, that helps a LOT.  Sometimes the battle is more than I have faith for - and I ask others to pray for me. . .and that helps a LOT.  As they say, we're saved together but damned alone.  I find the more alone I am - the harder the struggle and the less likely I will survive it even if I pull from the source.  (Heh. ..the planet. . .itself. . .and even then, where ever I go. ..there I am. . .can't get away from ME.)

So, no, I would encourage you to not give up the sources, but learn how to overcome. 

I'm inclined to think that if she cannot love you without the physical attachment right now, then she is not offering true love.  What if you could not physically be there in a sexual way?  What then?  Would she leave for someone else?  This happens to paraplegics and quadriplegics all the time.  Sigh.  I'm sorry to find out in this way, but a temper tantrum (silent treatment) over something so small in a relationship compared to the depth of the relationship over a life time is . . . very self-centered. 

Is she a believer?

So. ..long story short, yes, I think you're having an extreme reaction - understandably so. 



In His Mercy,
BethAnna

Offline ialmisry

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2011, 09:56:26 AM »
As some people on this forum know, I am struggling with sexual sins and lust. I brought it up with my girlfriend and she seemed supportive of my change, however when she is near I do get into a heavy temptation to indulge in my sin. Someone mentioned to stay away from home and do events outside, which I think is beneficial in alot of ways. She told me 3 days ago she missed that part of our relationship, and I confess I do too but she got really disappointed about it...and well I gave in. I can't keep doing this and I am not sure if she is the right person who I want with to help strengthen my relationship with God. I decided to take a break today and to think some things over in my life, and she wasn't too happy about it. I've tried to reach out to her, but I have been given the cold shoulder.

My heart is a bit heavy on this grief and my eyes so easily wander on the internet, and well my passions become uncontrollable for me. I don't feel I have the power to overcome them. The extreme part is, I wonder if it was for my benefit to remove the computer, television, or sorts of things out of my life and just keep books. Try to keep a really simple life, and not have any sort of temptations come my way.

Am I being irrational?
You keep this up and you are going to ruin yourself for marriage: if you were married, much of this wouldn't be a problem.  If you keep conditioning yourself for guilt with sex, what are you going to do with lovemaking with a wife?
Question a friend, perhaps he did not do it; but if he did anything so that he may do it no more.
A hasty quarrel kindles fire,
and urgent strife sheds blood.
If you blow on a spark, it will glow;
if you spit on it, it will be put out;
                           and both come out of your mouth

Offline jckstraw72

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2011, 10:32:47 AM »
well he's not married to her, so it is guilty ... i think you need to do what you need to do to avoid sin and turn from God. talk to your spiritual father and be obedient to him about this.

Offline David 2007

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2011, 10:41:55 AM »
Marry your girlfriend.

Then she's your wife.

Problem solved!

(Wait... then your problems only start!!!!  ;D )

But seriously I waited too long to get married.

Marry the girl! Just do it!  Take life by the horns!

Offline David Garner

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2011, 11:17:26 AM »
Our priest gave some awfully good advice on this in catechism. He said when you are tempted by lust, meditate on an icon of the Theotokos and elevate your thoughts. I'd add that you should ask your girlfriend to do the same.

Offline Shanghaiski

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2011, 11:31:30 AM »
It would be a good idea to discuss this situation with your priest.
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Online Justin Kissel

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2011, 07:21:28 PM »
I don't think you're being irrational, but caution is always good. I have several times sold things (e.g. TV's, CD's, etc.) because I wanted to spend more time praying/reading/etc., and I usually bought the stuff again a couple years later. Everyone is different... for some people it might be good to go that route, for others it might just end up costing you a lot of money and causing a lot of frustration. It took me years to figure out that, for me, getting rid of things wasn't the solution. The solution was to move slowly and consistently in one direction, even if it was just a millimeter at a time. Because when I tried the thing where you sell stuff and try to simplify life, I generally just reverted and ended up in the same place that I was before--and sometimes worse off. You may be different, or not, you know best. Regarding your girlfriend, I'm afraid I don't know what to say, other than that I'm still praying for you.

Offline orthonorm

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2011, 07:47:07 PM »
Control your environment, control yourself.

I can't remember how old you are.

Frankly, I ain't at an age (physically or spiritually) yet where I could have any physical relationship with a woman without it becoming outside what the Church teaches, so I've kept them at bay for almost a year.

Everyone, pray for their sorrows.
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Offline Shiny

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2011, 06:22:52 AM »
Well we broke up, it's a slippery sliding road down. Another drink and I won't miss her...
“There is your brother, naked, crying, and you stand there confused over the choice of an attractive floor covering.”

– St. Ambrose of Milan

Offline quietmorning

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2011, 09:11:10 AM »
Well we broke up, it's a slippery sliding road down. Another drink and I won't miss her...

Lord have mercy on Aposphet!  Holy Spirit, Comforter and Truth bring Your mercy, grace and strength to Aposphet in this hour! +
« Last Edit: February 09, 2011, 09:11:26 AM by quietmorning »
In His Mercy,
BethAnna

Offline Carl Kraeff (Second Chance)

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2011, 10:29:33 AM »
Well we broke up, it's a slippery sliding road down. Another drink and I won't miss her...

No, no, no!!! Drinking to forget, to dull the pain, to punish oneself, to punish her....Please, please don't do that. You know what you must and should do instead. In Christ, Kyrill

Offline JimCBrooklyn

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2011, 11:45:31 AM »
Well we broke up, it's a slippery sliding road down. Another drink and I won't miss her...
Man, do I ever identify with what you're going through.

We are all struggling to keep Christ's commandments!

It is in these moments that we are given great opportunity to learn how to keep them, when we lose our wordly supports and void-fillers, and can turn only to God!

I love a good drink, btw, probably more than I should, but the best time not to take one is when I want to take one for these reasons. These are moments when God's loudspeaker is blaring in my ear, and I can listen, or find something else, like a drink, or lust, to turn that volume way down.

In Christ's Love,
Jim

It is not the task of Christianity to provide easy answers to every question, but to make us progressively aware of a mystery. God is not so much the object of our knowledge as the cause of our wonder.
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Offline Aindriú

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2011, 01:28:54 PM »
In your grief you have a choice. (Pardon my Internet bluntness)

1) You can indulge your passions (grief > anger > selfish pride/reject God). Say "this God thing got me here, I'm done!".

Or

2) After you level off a bit after the breakup, realize you've got new goals now. You know what you're looking for in a girl, and she didn't want to give that to you. It was her choice to do this. You found something with God, and it is real. Now, you can be stronger with God, and find someone that will support you more than physically.

I'm going to need this.

Offline Shiny

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2011, 04:44:42 PM »
In your grief you have a choice. (Pardon my Internet bluntness)

1) You can indulge your passions (grief > anger > selfish pride/reject God). Say "this God thing got me here, I'm done!".
I know God has a better purpose in my life, and although I may not see it yet, I still trust in Him. I'm one of those guys that when I suffer deeply, I turn to God.

Quote
2) After you level off a bit after the breakup, realize you've got new goals now. You know what you're looking for in a girl, and she didn't want to give that to you. It was her choice to do this. You found something with God, and it is real. Now, you can be stronger with God, and find someone that will support you more than physically.
This is good and I appreciate your insight Azurestone.

Quote
Man, do I ever identify with what you're going through.

We are all struggling to keep Christ's commandments!

It is in these moments that we are given great opportunity to learn how to keep them, when we lose our wordly supports and void-fillers, and can turn only to God!
This is very true Jim.

Quote
No, no, no!!! Drinking to forget, to dull the pain, to punish oneself, to punish her....Please, please don't do that. You know what you must and should do instead. In Christ, Kyrill
Yeah you are right, I was just hung up on being emotional about the situation. I'll get over it.
“There is your brother, naked, crying, and you stand there confused over the choice of an attractive floor covering.”

– St. Ambrose of Milan

Offline stashko

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Re: Am I being too extreme on this?
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2011, 04:55:19 PM »
At Our Serbian Orthodox Monastery seminaries ,Ive Noticed Including My Brother, and he commented on it to me, on how trashy the seminarians and their girlfriends act when they get together....The Things they do and talk about...It's hard to believe he said , that there studying to become clergy ,,and the girls becoming wives of them,  the way they carry on ........ ;D




As some people on this forum know, I am struggling with sexual sins and lust. I brought it up with my girlfriend and she seemed supportive of my change, however when she is near I do get into a heavy temptation to indulge in my sin. Someone mentioned to stay away from home and do events outside, which I think is beneficial in alot of ways. She told me 3 days ago she missed that part of our relationship, and I confess I do too but she got really disappointed about it...and well I gave in. I can't keep doing this and I am not sure if she is the right person who I want with to help strengthen my relationship with God. I decided to take a break today and to think some things over in my life, and she wasn't too happy about it. I've tried to reach out to her, but I have been given the cold shoulder.

My heart is a bit heavy on this grief and my eyes so easily wander on the internet, and well my passions become uncontrollable for me. I don't feel I have the power to overcome them. The extreme part is, I wonder if it was for my benefit to remove the computer, television, or sorts of things out of my life and just keep books. Try to keep a really simple life, and not have any sort of temptations come my way.

Am I being irrational?
« Last Edit: February 09, 2011, 05:10:42 PM by stashko »
ГОСПОДЕ ГОСПОДЕ ,ПОГЛЕДАЈ СА НЕБА ,ДОЂИ И ПОСЕТИ ТВОЈ ВИНОГРАД ТВОЈА ДЕСНИЦА ПОСАДИЛА АМИН АМИН.