Faith of your spouse affecting yourself?

[NMHS]

Here is my dilemma,

I hate to be blunt about this but is no other way.......my wife is a very cultural, modernized , cafeteria, Hispanic Roman Catholic and she wants to continue to belong to the RCC with absolutely no desire to even attend a ECC or OC  and this way of living is killing me spiritually.  She is very content where she is in the RCC, although she is (and I hate to say this) far from coming close to being an actual Catholic.........and it’s killing me.  It was just a few years ago that she said she wanted to be Catholic and not Christian, and that Mary was equal to God...............  

I have heard her say things to people like "don't do that we are going to church, or we just came from church" but then it's totally fine to do it the next day.  We never pray together and I have been trying unsuccessfully for many years to get her to pray together and she won't because she wasn't taught that way or she isn't used to it.  She says I am on a journey and she is not so I can continue my journey and she is going to stay where she is, but I tell her that being a Christian is a journey........   We recently attended an ECC and she did not want to receive communion because it was not the RCC Not to mention the very unpleasant reaction I received when we attend DL at Greek OC.

I have tried every which way to communicate with her about my feelings about being a Christian, spirituality, churches, etc.  I have expressed my concern multiple times in various manners about attending services of the OC and learning more about it and it seems to go in one ear and out the other.  I have been patiently waiting for her to come around and at least maybe change some of her ways so that we can journey together (at least start the journey in the RCC) as I have long thought a husband and wife should, but I am at the point where I am ready to go it alone…..in fact I don’t think there is any turning back.  I have learned too much about God and myself to continue my previous way of life in Christ………if you know what I mean? 

I firmly believe she will stay with the RCC because of her Hispanic culture, but (sorry I am being honest) its spirituality has turned into rituality with no spirituality and I can no longer endure this as its tearing me apart spiritually.  This is bad of me but I would rather stay at home on Sunday and read an Orthodox prayer book than attend the mass at several of our RCC’s because all I can think about at the RCC is the OC.

We have a two year old daughter and I could not imagine raising my daughter in this type of atmosphere that my wife has come to live so I figure, I must take the lead with my daughter and go it alone without my wife, (not in divorce of course).    I could go on and on about other things but what I have written should suffice to provide a backdrop to my situation.

I find things in the OC that I do not find in the RCC and although I have not made a commitment yet and it may take some for that I still cannot sit by the way side and wait on my wife to make the first move anymore.  If I am going to be a better Christian it’s on me and not my wife…………………but man its tough!

So where is my question?  I know there are many mixed marriage couples or couples with a unbelieving spouse and I was curious if those couples might have any advice about this particular situation? 

Thanks,  in advance for letting me unload……….

[quietmorning]

My husband is atheist.  We are so opposite in just about everything there is to be 'one' about.  We have very very little common ground.  I started praying for my husband regularly every day. . .several times a day - only asking Our Lord to have mercy on him.  This has been going on for a little over a year.  

The result?  

I go to church alone.  I pray alone.  I carry the joy of loving Him alone.  

And I'm changing.  

That's right **I'M** changing.  

It just doesn't bother me any longer.  I am finding that his life style and choices do not affect me - and I am much more tolerant of them.  I'm finding that many of his choices are actually honing me to making ME a better Christian.  I'm developing patience in things that were so irritating and would just wreck my world in a heart beat before.  That is Christ in me.  He's loves my husband with a passion and a love and a long-suffering that I cannot begin to reach.

But here's the kicker. . .and it's a humbling one, so get ready.  I'm going to be very blunt and hand you some hard words.  

It's not about ME.  It's about HIM.  (Christ Jesus)

It's not about MY 'happy marriage' it's about my dying to myself.  It's not about MY faith, it's about HIS desire to see me AND my husband with HIM in eternity.  It's about HIS love.  

So it's not about my husband changing, it's about my picking up my cross daily and dying to my own will, my own wishes and moving over to make plenty of room for HIS WILL AND HIS WISHES.  (Again, Christ Jesus' will)  

When I first started my journey, I wanted to change my spouse to fit into what I thought was best for **ME** to be what **I** wanted to be.  Instead, my faith has challenged me to go the narrow road, the higher road. . .and seek His kingdom and His righteousness instead.  

I've seen a lot of changes in my marriage in the last year.  My husband no longer throws a temper tantrum when I want to give to the poor or when I ask for something of my faith for Christmas.  He's no longer threatened by it.  

Submitting myself to God first made such a difference.  If my husband wants me to join him in the shower in the morning, then I give it as a living sacrifice to my God - instead of going to pray my morning prayers.  I miss Him. . . but our commandments are to love.  There is nothing greater than love - and if we do not love, we die.  

I hope this helps.  

[quietmorning]

May I make one more suggestion - about going to an RC church vs going to an OC church. . . would she be willing to be in agreement to your going to your church and her going to hers?  There are many who do.  If not. . .then offer it to the Lord as a living sacrifice and trust Him to the day when He will bring you home.  He WILL NOT LET YOU DIE.  He's trustworthy. 

I recently suggested to my son who cannot partake in the rich service of Liturgy to have a prayer corner and 'go to his little church'. 

[NMHS]

My husband is atheist.  We are so opposite in just about everything there is to be 'one' about.  We have very very little common ground.  I started praying for my husband regularly every day. . .several times a day - only asking Our Lord to have mercy on him.  This has been going on for a little over a year. 

The result? 

I go to church alone.  I pray alone.  I carry the joy of loving Him alone. 

And I'm changing. 

That's right **I'M** changing. 

It just doesn't bother me any longer.  I am finding that his life style and choices do not affect me - and I am much more tolerant of them.  I'm finding that many of his choices are actually honing me to making ME a better Christian.  I'm developing patience in things that were so irritating and would just wreck my world in a heart beat before.  That is Christ in me.  He's loves my husband with a passion and a love and a long-suffering that I cannot begin to reach.

But here's the kicker. . .and it's a humbling one, so get ready.  I'm going to be very blunt and hand you some hard words. 

It's not about ME.  It's about HIM.  (Christ Jesus)

Quiet morning, you are right in everything you say, its just taking me awhile to figure it out.  It is about Him and not about Me.  I was just really hoping that the wife would want to venture deeper together.  But as you say, its about Him and not Me.  I knew it was coming to this and I have finally accepted that it has (which I did not want to).  So, by posting I was looking for others with this type of experience so I could draw some advice from them. 

It's not about MY 'happy marriage' it's about my dying to myself.  It's not about MY faith, it's about HIS desire to see me AND my husband with HIM in eternity.  It's about HIS love. 

So it's not about my husband changing, it's about my picking up my cross daily and dying to my own will, my own wishes and moving over to make plenty of room for HIS WILL AND HIS WISHES.  (Again, Christ Jesus' will) 


When I first started my journey, I wanted to change my spouse to fit into what I thought was best for **ME** to be what **I** wanted to be. 

You’re right on there.  I thought that a husband and wife should journey together before the journey can take place……..but I finally figured it out that it’s not the case. 

Instead, my faith has challenged me to go the narrow road, the higher road. . .and seek His kingdom and His righteousness instead. 

I believe the same thing, it’s just difficult at times when your spouse is not on the same playing field, as you must know firsthand.  Thanks for the advice.

If not. . .then offer it to the Lord as a living sacrifice and trust Him to the day when He will bring you home.  He WILL NOT LET YOU DIE.  He's trustworthy. 

This is what I have been pondering about with this situation and it seems you have solidified my thoughts.

I recently suggested to my son who cannot partake in the rich service of Liturgy to have a prayer corner and 'go to his little church'. 

That’s me!

Thanks for the advice, I guess I felt I needed to post this to make sure I am on the right track and not going crazy.

[augustin717]

Your wife sounds great.

[PrincessMommy]

So where is my question?  I know there are many mixed marriage couples or couples with a unbelieving spouse and I was curious if those couples might have any advice about this particular situation? 

Thanks,  in advance for letting me unload……….

Love your wife...pray for her... don't judge her.  She's right, she is in a different place, but maybe someday something will click and the spark will grow into a fire.  This is your chance to love her as Christ loves the church and laid down His life for her.  The worst thing you can do is force her - that will kill any little spark there may be there. 

Definitely take the initiative with your daughter. 

[nrse]

here is my story FWIW:
My husband and i have been married for 12 years...i waited (dutifully) for him to root us in an evangelical church (he was reformed and i was pentecostal)....after 12 years and 5 churches there still was no root...and i was emotionally and spiritually exhausted....in prayer i realized that, due to my husband's mental health issues (he sees a psychiatrist and is on medication) he could not, at least at this point, "root" anywhere...again, in prayer, i determined to follow my Lord to be rooted and thus began my journey to the OC....husband attended Vespers with me for a few months but balked when i wanted to attend Liturgy on Sunday...but i went alone and later began instruction (previously i was so intense about our doing church together i could not have imagined myself going anywhere without him, let alone take instruction!)....i joke that this scared the snot out of my husband and he now attends a local Baptist church fairly regularly- something i have not known him to do in awhile....like QuietMorning, i pray for him and, again like her, i find my Lord's love flowing through me....there is much less stress between us (since there are now no expectations)...we are able to discuss spiritual topics comfortably...i am more accepting of him and he has responded in kind....and generally, the marriage is healthier....i dont agonize at where he is going to church- i am just grateful to God that he is going somewhere...and i pray that he will come over to Orthodoxy in God's timing....the rest i leave in the Lord's hands....

[NMHS]

Thanks for all the insight, I know what I have to do. 

NMHS

[GabrieltheCelt]

My husband is atheist.  We are so opposite in just about everything there is to be 'one' about.  We have very very little common ground.  I started praying for my husband regularly every day. . .several times a day - only asking Our Lord to have mercy on him.  This has been going on for a little over a year.  

The result?  

I go to church alone.  I pray alone.  I carry the joy of loving Him alone.  

And I'm changing.  

That's right **I'M** changing.  

It just doesn't bother me any longer.  I am finding that his life style and choices do not affect me - and I am much more tolerant of them.  I'm finding that many of his choices are actually honing me to making ME a better Christian.  I'm developing patience in things that were so irritating and would just wreck my world in a heart beat before.  That is Christ in me.  He's loves my husband with a passion and a love and a long-suffering that I cannot begin to reach.

But here's the kicker. . .and it's a humbling one, so get ready.  I'm going to be very blunt and hand you some hard words.  

It's not about ME.  It's about HIM.  (Christ Jesus)

It's not about MY 'happy marriage' it's about my dying to myself.  It's not about MY faith, it's about HIS desire to see me AND my husband with HIM in eternity.  It's about HIS love.  

So it's not about my husband changing, it's about my picking up my cross daily and dying to my own will, my own wishes and moving over to make plenty of room for HIS WILL AND HIS WISHES.  (Again, Christ Jesus' will)  

When I first started my journey, I wanted to change my spouse to fit into what I thought was best for **ME** to be what **I** wanted to be.  Instead, my faith has challenged me to go the narrow road, the higher road. . .and seek His kingdom and His righteousness instead.  

I've seen a lot of changes in my marriage in the last year.  My husband no longer throws a temper tantrum when I want to give to the poor or when I ask for something of my faith for Christmas.  He's no longer threatened by it.  

Submitting myself to God first made such a difference.  If my husband wants me to join him in the shower in the morning, then I give it as a living sacrifice to my God - instead of going to pray my morning prayers.  I miss Him. . . but our commandments are to love.  There is nothing greater than love - and if we do not love, we die.  

I hope this helps.  

 Wow!  If you truly live by these words (and I believe that you do), then you are a very wise and patient woman.  Truly, thanks for sharing this with us! 

[Alveus Lacuna]

Your wife sounds great.

Just like back home.

[NMHS]

Your wife sounds great.

Just like back home.

Just curious....am I missing something

[Alveus Lacuna]

Your wife sounds great.

Just like back home.

Just curious....am I missing something

Yes, but don't worry about it. It's not about your wife. augustin717 prioritizes national identity and "nominalism" as representing the true Orthodox spirit rather than personal devotion and fidelity to Orthodoxy. He was, in a backhanded way, stating that it sounds like you wife is doing Christianity the right way, which is based on your ethnicity and cultural traditions above all else. Show too much interest in your spirituality and he'll not like you as much, calling you some kid of WASP or some other scary tag to shatter your credibility.

[NMHS]

Your wife sounds great.

Just like back home.

Just curious....am I missing something

Yes, but don't worry about it. It's not about your wife. augustin717 prioritizes national identity and "nominalism" as representing the true Orthodox spirit rather than personal devotion and fidelity to Orthodoxy. He was, in a backhanded way, stating that it sounds like you wife is doing Christianity the right way, which is based on your ethnicity and cultural traditions above all else. Show too much interest in your spirituality and he'll not like you as much, calling you some kid of WASP or some other scary tag to shatter your credibility.

Gotcha, I didn't think it was about my wife and I didn't take offense to it, I was figuring it was something along those lines I just wasnt sure. 

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