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Author Topic: problems with my dad.  (Read 956 times) Average Rating: 0
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Tikhon.of.Colorado
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« on: February 01, 2011, 08:07:52 PM »

my father is becoming a catechumen soon.  I am having many problems with him.  partly, the way he speaks to my mother.  he got mad at me for now wearing a heavier cote, and called my mother and yelled at her.  he was asking where her money went, and asked her if she "pays her f***ing boyfriends to sleep with her."   and, when I am trying to get a point accross, he wil yell "I don't even hear your voice.  I just hear your mother."

because of this, sometimes I don't even want to go to Church (because I'll see him there.)

what can I do?  he is insulting my best friend.  and he's going to be a member of my Church!
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« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2011, 08:10:50 PM »


Trevor, have you told him how his actions and words make you feel?

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Tikhon.of.Colorado
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« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2011, 08:12:29 PM »


Trevor, have you told him how his actions and words make you feel?


when I try, he just tells me not to listen when my mother tells me bad stories about him.  he thinks she poisons our minds with horrible comments about him, but it isn't so.
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« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2011, 08:25:15 PM »

This is common in a divorced family. Whatever the issue is, you have to emotionally distance yourself more from the friction between your parents. And as a side note; it isn't very healthy for a teenage boy to be "best" friends with his mother. Especially given how hedonistic you have mentioned your mother is in past postings.

When I was about 9 I told my father that I wouldn't go on a visit with him because he wouldn't stop insulting my mother. I told him that I didn't allow my mother to insult him, and that I didn't want him to insult her. I am glad I did this, but I haven't seen him again since that day, and I am almost 33. He was wrong, but in retrospect I would have handled it differently. My father literally has half a brain, so it is a different situation entirely. I know now that as the non-custodial parent he assumed that when he was away that I didn't love him as much, even if those assumptions had no basis.

You are old enough to understand that your father isn't perfect. Try to focus on his positive aspects and forgive the negative ones. Parents are human, they sin and have insecurities. Try to affirm that you love and respect him. You aren't responsible for his behavior, you can't make him change. Pray for him and show him that you love him as he is, not as you think he should be.  Attempting to correct your father will only make him feel even more unrespected. You have mentioned a great deal of frustration with both your parents behaviours in the past. They won't change because you do or do not do certain things. They have to desire to change. And whether they change or not, they are still your parents and you will/should love them anyway.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2011, 08:32:35 PM by Quinault » Logged
Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2011, 08:27:50 PM »

Ask him not to speak negatively about your mother in front of you. But also ask your mother not to speak negatively about your father. Children should never have to hear a parent belittle their mother or father.

Also realize that as your father is becoming a catechumen, the spiritual attacks he faces will increase. Point this out to him and encourage him to be aware of the spiritual battle he is engaged in. When he says negative things about your mother, remind him that such things are spiritually unproductive . Encourage him to pray for your mother.

I am sorry my friend that you are facing these struggles. I wish I had better advice to offer. Please do seek the advice and counsel of your Priest, and encourage your father to do the same.

Peace to you.


Selam
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« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2011, 08:32:20 PM »


This is common in a divorced family. Whatever the issue is, you have to emotionally distance yourself more from the friction between your parents. And as a side note; it isn't very healthy for a teenage boy to be "best" friends with his mother. Especially given how hedonistic you have mentioned your mother is in past postings.

When I was about 9 I told my father that I wouldn't go on a visit with him because he wouldn't stop insulting my mother. I am glad I did this, but I haven't seen him since that day, and I am almost 33. He was wrong, but in retrospect I would have handled it differently. You are old enough to understand that your father isn't perfect. Try to focus on his positive aspects and forgive the negative ones. Parents are human, they sin and have insecurities. Try to affirm that you love and respect him. You aren't responsible for his behavior, you can't make him change. Pray for him and show him that you love him as he is, not as you think he should be. You have mentioned a great deal of frustration with both your parents behaviours in the past. They won't change because you do or do not do certain things. They have to desire to change. And whether they change or not, they are still your parents and you will/should love them anyway.


Good advice. I especially agree that it isn't healthy for children and parents to be "friends," in the sense that parental authority is compromised and respect is lost. But often times when marriages are falling apart, one parent will try to become their child's buddy and the other parent becomes the "bad guy." So do be careful about this.

Selam
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« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2011, 05:15:42 PM »

You guys all need to sit down with a priest and discuss a resolve to this.  We have all fallen short of the glory of God.  He needs to seek forgiveness.
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