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Author Topic: Premarital sex...  (Read 3044 times) Average Rating: 5
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« on: January 29, 2011, 08:15:56 PM »

I'm having a difficult time with this one, everytime I want to get away from the temptation I fall for it with my girlfriend. It's hard a "habit" to break because I hold sex as an act of love (I guess that's another notion I need to get rid of) and I do partake of it on a regular, if not daily, basis.

Just not sure what I can do to get out of it. I know by God's grace but the connection with my girlfriend and I is so much more immmediate than it is with God.

My problem is my stubborness and my pride that gets in the way of any real attempts to turn over to God. I guess I'm fighting bouts of unbelief and this new "harder" way of life. Maybe I need to take a sex addiction course...
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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2011, 08:45:56 PM »

Well, if you intend to be a serious Christian, I'd say you have a real problem and a critical decision to make. I'd also recommend speaking to your priest and asking his guidance.  

Priests being what they are, he is most likely going to tell you to stop having sex until you are married. If your faith is not sufficient to enable you to follow his direction, then you're going to have to do something like become a Hindu or join the Episcopalians, as you will be unable to be Orthodox in good conscience. I'm not trying to bend your nose out of joint, but you really have to take the morals of the Church seriously. The whole point of Orthodoxy is to live in imitation of Christ. Christ didn't have premarital sex with his girlfriend. You can't really be a cafeteria Orthodox; it's too hard.

And don't waste your time seeking therapy; sex is not an addiction. It's natural to be a little obsessed when you're in love; it's a binding experience. But it is an impulse that you can, and should, control. All Christians are required, under some circumstances, to exercise sexual self-control--it's not a suggestion, it's a requirement. It's not acceptable to be sleeping with your girlfriend before marriage if you are serious about Orthodox Christianity.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 08:50:30 PM by sainthieu » Logged
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2011, 08:50:56 PM »

Yeah, that's a tough one, especially since your actions will be felt by more than just you. I don't suppose you can (or want/plan on) getting married soon? Not that you should get married for just this issue, nor do I mean to judge you, I'm just wondering generally. My wife and I had to get married on short notice, though that was in a different situation, and we had already been engaged for 10 months by that point. Sex is... I suppose a natural expression of love and intimacy, so I can understand... also, it's hard to stop now that you're regularly having it. Believe me, I know how hard it is to just stop all of a sudden, (though in my case it wasn't by choice). What would your girlfriend think if you said you wanted to stop having sex, or perhaps scaling things back? Would she think that you'd become a religious nutball or something like that?
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2011, 08:54:29 PM »

Yes I am struggling with my own faith, and it's not so easy to go cold turkey. It's this natural reaction that I have once my girlfriend is around, we start making out and one things leads to another. That's the way it goes. I hate to use this as an excuse, but I can't help by how beautiful she looks.

I was born with a silver spoon, I never really had to suffer much except for a heartbreak in the past.
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2011, 08:58:41 PM »

Have you mentioned this to your priest before in confession?

If so, maybe you should schedule a meeting with him and explain how this is really weighing on your soul, more than can be handled in a standard confession session.

If not, you first should confess that you concealed something in confession (probably the worse of the two sins), and then confess this and have him help you. Unfortunately many struggle with this same thing, and I am sure no experienced priest would be shocked by such a thing. It is important not to be afraid in confession; it is for our own health and well-being.

In general, and from my own experience, the only way to deal with lustful passions is to flee the cause of the sin. In this case, maybe that means you absolutely cannot be alone with your girlfriend in a romantic setting until you are able to get yourself under control. Talk to her about it; if she understands this is important, she should be willing to be with you in the fight.

I'm afraid that for this one, cold turkey is really the only way. If you fall, then get right back up and charge back into the battle. The Christian life is falling and getting back up, over and over again.

But talk to your priest, seriously. He is your confidant and advisor in the battles of life, and should be able to help far better than any of us can.

God bless. You are in my prayers.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2011, 09:02:05 PM by bogdan » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2011, 09:02:17 PM »

Yeah, that's a tough one, especially since your actions will be felt by more than just you. I don't suppose you can (or want/plan on) getting married soon? Not that you should get married for just this issue, nor do I mean to judge you, I'm just wondering generally.
I'd love to marry her, but I won't just marry her just so I can have sex with her (I think that would undermine the concept of marriage IMO). But I'm not ready for it yet. I was engaged 2 years ago that went acrimonous afterwards, so I want to make sure this time is for real and good.

Quote
My wife and I had to get married on short notice, though that was in a different situation, and we had already been engaged for 10 months by that point. Sex is... I suppose a natural expression of love and intimacy, so I can understand... also, it's hard to stop now that you're regularly having it. Believe me, I know how hard it is to just stop all of a sudden, (though in my case it wasn't by choice).
Yes that's how I feel about it.

Quote
What would your girlfriend think if you said you wanted to stop having sex, or perhaps scaling things back? Would she think that you'd become a religious nutball or something like that?
I'm not sure, both of us enjoy each other and enjoy the intimacy we have. I don't want to suggest our relationship's foundation is on sex, but sex to me is more than just simple intercourse. For me it's a deeper connection, which involves the cliche pillow talk, cuddling, caressing, expressing how beautiful and wonderful she is, etc etc. But to answer your question, I think I would have to find a way to express bringing it back a bit to the point of abstaination. She's a godly woman, so I know she would understand but I  think she would be pretty disapointed and upset if it was cut off completely.
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« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2011, 09:12:11 PM »

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What would your girlfriend think if you said you wanted to stop having sex, or perhaps scaling things back? Would she think that you'd become a religious nutball or something like that?
I'm not sure, both of us enjoy each other and enjoy the intimacy we have. I don't want to suggest our relationship's foundation is on sex, but sex to me is more than just simple intercourse. For me it's a deeper connection, which involves the cliche pillow talk, cuddling, caressing, expressing how beautiful and wonderful she is, etc etc. But to answer your question, I think I would have to find a way to express bringing it back a bit to the point of abstaination. She's a godly woman, so I know she would understand but I  think she would be pretty disapointed and upset if it was cut off completely.

I completely understand what you mean. The reason I say cold turkey is the only way is because—in my experience—it takes far more willpower to pull back at the last moment than to overcorrect but have plenty of breathing space.

Or in other words, it's far more dangerous to play around the edge of the cliff than to play 30 yards away from the edge. And it's far easier to keep your balance on solid ground than it is when your toes are over the cliff's edge.
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« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2011, 09:23:38 PM »

Would your girlfriend be willing to not make out with you?  Break the chain at the beginning.
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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2011, 09:25:13 PM »

Would your girlfriend be willing to not make out with you?  Break the chain at the beginning.

Eh...just her "aura" about her and presence can lead to things as well. I don't know how she does it...
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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2011, 10:09:52 PM »

In the end its your choice.

1) You can still maintain your behavior.

2) You can stop.

You won't make a change to something you don't want. From your posts it sounds like you want sex more. If you didn't you'd tell your girlfriend how you feel and make efforts to stop. Is it heard, yeah! What worth anything isn't hard? But you won't change something you don't want to change.
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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2011, 10:24:06 PM »

Would your girlfriend be willing to not make out with you?  Break the chain at the beginning.

Eh...just her "aura" about her and presence can lead to things as well. I don't know how she does it...

Marry her.  That ought to cure it.
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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2011, 10:53:22 PM »

May I ask you to consider something?  If you are having sex with her - would you consider each and every time a vow to her that you will never ever leave her nor forsake her?  (I'm speaking from the woman's point of view)  It is so easy to take for granted what this beautiful gift is for and how truly valuable she is - and how truly valuable YOU are.

The moment the vow is broken, the moment you or she turns to go on without the other, then in that moment, the very definition of love and it's expression (sex) is made into a thing and a lie. 

If you aren't ready to truly commit to her in the vow of marriage, then you are not worthy of the gift she gives to you with her body, soul and spirit - and the same with her.  You are worth that commitment, and you BOTH are worth the protection the Sacrament of Marriage offers to your souls. 

There is another part to this. . .a very hard lesson in the relationship with my God that I learned.  Have you considered that perhaps your questioning your faith right now is because your spirit is dying in this? 

I'm speaking this out of experience of living through the fall and getting back up.  It is truly detrimental.  Bogdan is very wise in his post.  The sign that this was killing my soul and spirit?  For the first time in my life I questioned my faith.  It was a hard miserable struggle back to solid ground.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2011, 10:54:39 PM »

Marry her.  That ought to cure it.

Amen!  Cheesy
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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2011, 11:05:23 PM »

Marry her.  That ought to cure it.




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« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2011, 11:17:49 PM »

If you're quite serious about it not happening, then I'd suggest only being around each other in public places, or places where you simply can't be alone. Don't allow yourselves to be alone together. That doesn't mean you can't have time where it's just the two of you, but hang out at a coffee shop instead. Don't pick each other up, meet somewhere instead.

I know how extremely difficult it can be once you've gone down a certain path, but it's never too late and if it's something you both desire, it can happen.

The Lord be with you.
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« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2011, 12:28:41 AM »

Have you mentioned this to your priest before in confession?
If so, maybe you should schedule a meeting with him and explain how this is really weighing on your soul, more than can be handled in a standard confession session.

I don't believe he's Orthodox yet. 
Not to call you out, Aposphet; just mentioning that your Faith/Jurisdiction listings might've led to this confusion.
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« Reply #16 on: January 30, 2011, 12:35:08 AM »

Have you mentioned this to your priest before in confession?
If so, maybe you should schedule a meeting with him and explain how this is really weighing on your soul, more than can be handled in a standard confession session.

I don't believe he's Orthodox yet. 
Not to call you out, Aposphet; just mentioning that your Faith/Jurisdiction listings might've led to this confusion.

I updated my Faith, thank you. Yes I have not ever done a confession before.

Also I appreciate the well written responses and the like. I'll try to reply a bit more in depth once I get off of work.
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« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2011, 03:43:02 AM »

Wow.

I have to say, I feel where you're coming form completely, have been there, and wish that I might have made some better choices.

To begin with, I was also "born with a silver spoon" and as such all of my hardships have also been emotional/spiritual, save the occasional illness. I think that it is quite common among us who were born into such circumstances to become super void-fillers; we are easily bored, and constantly wanting more, even as we mature in other ways. I know this is true of me, and I know that in my experience sin is often cloaked in the emotional, warm appeal of sex.

I had premarital sex with my wife, often, before we were married. When we began dating, I was not remotely Christian, and as such, this posed no problem, but as things progressed, and my beliefs changed, my ideals about our sex life changed also, but my precedents did not, nor did my impulses.

As we got closer to marriage, and as we became more serious as Christians (I was a Roman Catholic Convert 9 years ago, she, having been born in the USSR, was just coming to Orthodoxy, something I am only beginning now...), we made an effort together to stop the premarital sex. We often fell short, and it was a major struggle. I will say this much, however:
A) The periods during which we did NOT have sex strengthened our conviction in our love for one another, as we were able to function as a loving couple without the very complex and alluring perk of sex.
B) I have had to do a lot of spiritual healing and growth since our marriage to rid myself of a lot of the nasty, adulterous habits that I acquired as a hedonistic youth, and I believe that had I committed myself more firmly to chastity at any point prior to marriage, I would have struggled less with temptation after marriage. I never cheated, but the temptations were there, and certain behaviors were there.
C) If there is sincere love there, I will say from my end that I absolutely do not regret being married, and doing so quite young. Despite the aforementioned struggles, it has helped us both much more than it has hurt us, and we have 2 wonderful children from it, with another on the way.

I hope you do not take this as me imposing my thoughts on to you. I just related, quite strongly.
The biggest thing that helped me, when I had success at chastity, was remembering that often, prayer takes courage and resolve, and then God lifts our burden and does the hardest parts for us.
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« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2011, 03:54:38 AM »

Jim I wanted to say that your message really hit home to me, I believe you have revealed that in your experience that stopping the pre-marital sex actually strengthened your relationship for marriage. From what I have observed in your post you and your wife spent more time cultivating a relationship that, from my view, provided more benefits than if you continued with pre-marital sex then into marriage.

I will take your words to heart, as well as what has been posted above, and put it into action. The hard part for me is approaching this conversation in a way that would show how it would benefit us more; maybe I might be surprised if she agreed to scale back and eventually cut pre-marital sex out of our relationship, and she might see a benefit out of it. She's not the needy and lacks self-esteem type, so I am confident things will go well.

At the same time I will have to fight the urge to fall into this action, I think doing other activities should help with this.
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« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2011, 07:12:50 AM »

Jim I just realized you have Fyodor Dostoevsky in your avatar, are you a big fan of his?
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« Reply #20 on: January 31, 2011, 12:40:13 PM »

I don't mean to pile on, or chastise you, but this remark just stopped me cold:
Quote
but I won't just marry her just so I can have sex with her (I think that would undermine the concept of marriage IMO).

Think about it....

You won't marry her just so you can have sex with her, because you think that undermines the concept of marriage, but you don't have a problem with having sex with her, without marriage. Do you really think that doesn't undermine - or thoroughly negate, more likely - the concept of marriage?

If you truly love her, then you will treat her with respect, love and compassion. If you don't truly love her, then what you are doing is using her.

Controlling our passions of any kind is hard, and this one especially, but it can be done, and more importantly, must be done, for both of you, for your souls' and hearts' sake.

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« Reply #21 on: January 31, 2011, 12:58:49 PM »

Very well said!


I don't mean to pile on, or chastise you, but this remark just stopped me cold:
Quote
but I won't just marry her just so I can have sex with her (I think that would undermine the concept of marriage IMO).

Think about it....

You won't marry her just so you can have sex with her, because you think that undermines the concept of marriage, but you don't have a problem with having sex with her, without marriage. Do you really think that doesn't undermine - or thoroughly negate, more likely - the concept of marriage?

If you truly love her, then you will treat her with respect, love and compassion. If you don't truly love her, then what you are doing is using her.

Controlling our passions of any kind is hard, and this one especially, but it can be done, and more importantly, must be done, for both of you, for your souls' and hearts' sake.


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« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2011, 06:54:03 PM »

Jim I just realized you have Fyodor Dostoevsky in your avatar, are you a big fan of his?

Yes, quite. Am currently living in his city.
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« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2011, 07:12:52 PM »

I don't mean to pile on, or chastise you, but this remark just stopped me cold:
Quote
but I won't just marry her just so I can have sex with her (I think that would undermine the concept of marriage IMO).

Think about it....

You won't marry her just so you can have sex with her, because you think that undermines the concept of marriage, but you don't have a problem with having sex with her, without marriage. Do you really think that doesn't undermine - or thoroughly negate, more likely - the concept of marriage?

If you truly love her, then you will treat her with respect, love and compassion. If you don't truly love her, then what you are doing is using her.

Controlling our passions of any kind is hard, and this one especially, but it can be done, and more importantly, must be done, for both of you, for your souls' and hearts' sake.



I think you misunderstand. I'm not simply going to marry her just so I can keep having sex with her.

And I think you are assuming way to much about my relationship. You seem to have this underlying tone that I don't have respect, love or compassion for her. Would you like her to respond?
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« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2011, 07:14:02 PM »

I do not understand what this thread is all about.
Big deal!
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« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2011, 08:09:35 PM »

I do not understand what this thread is all about.
Big deal!
Oh, come now. Don't troll.
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« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2011, 10:56:30 AM »

I don't mean to pile on, or chastise you, but this remark just stopped me cold:
Quote
but I won't just marry her just so I can have sex with her (I think that would undermine the concept of marriage IMO).

Think about it....

You won't marry her just so you can have sex with her, because you think that undermines the concept of marriage, but you don't have a problem with having sex with her, without marriage. Do you really think that doesn't undermine - or thoroughly negate, more likely - the concept of marriage?

If you truly love her, then you will treat her with respect, love and compassion. If you don't truly love her, then what you are doing is using her.

Controlling our passions of any kind is hard, and this one especially, but it can be done, and more importantly, must be done, for both of you, for your souls' and hearts' sake.



I think you misunderstand. I'm not simply going to marry her just so I can keep having sex with her.

As I said before, think about it. You said that getting married just for the sake of having sex demeans marriage. Doesn't having sex outside marriage, without, as it sounds, any plans for a continuing relationship of marriage demean God's good gift of sex, as well as the dignity and humanity of both of you?

Quote
And I think you are assuming way to much about my relationship. You seem to have this underlying tone that I don't have respect, love or compassion for her. Would you like her to respond?
I probably am assuming way too much. I can only go by what you post, after all. We're not talking face to face. All I know is that you have revealed that you are unable to control yourself and that you are engaging in behavior that you know is wrong. Or at the very least, it makes you a little uneasy, morally speaking. Otherwise, you wouldn't have posted and asked for in-put.

So you are engaging in morally questionable behavior that is making you uncomfortable, involving your girlfriend in this behavior, and you have no intention of marrying her any time soon, but you're perfectly willing to have sex with her.

I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound much like love, compassion and respect to me. (On personal note, I wouldn't want to be treated like that.)

This is worth repreating, IMHO:
Quote
If you are having sex with her - would you consider each and every time a vow to her that you will never ever leave her nor forsake her?  (I'm speaking from the woman's point of view)  It is so easy to take for granted what this beautiful gift is for and how truly valuable she is - and how truly valuable YOU are.

The moment the vow is broken, the moment you or she turns to go on without the other, then in that moment, the very definition of love and it's expression (sex) is made into a thing and a lie. 

If you aren't ready to truly commit to her in the vow of marriage, then you are not worthy of the gift she gives to you with her body, soul and spirit - and the same with her.  You are worth that commitment, and you BOTH are worth the protection the Sacrament of Marriage offers to your souls.


« Last Edit: February 01, 2011, 10:59:52 AM by katherineofdixie » Logged

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« Reply #27 on: February 03, 2011, 03:25:32 AM »

As I said before, think about it. You said that getting married just for the sake of having sex demeans marriage.
It does because if I'm only getting married just to keep having sex, what good is marriage then?

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Doesn't having sex outside marriage, without, as it sounds, any plans for a continuing relationship of marriage demean God's good gift of sex, as well as the dignity and humanity of both of you?
Yes it does. However for me once I do have sex then I'm planning on marrying the girl. It's not like the first date I go on, we are already have our clothes off..

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All I know is that you have revealed that you are unable to control yourself and that you are engaging in behavior that you know is wrong.
This is quite true.

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So you are engaging in morally questionable behavior that is making you uncomfortable, involving your girlfriend in this behavior, and you have no intention of marrying her any time soon, but you're perfectly willing to have sex with her.
Well I do have intentions on marriage, not for sexual reasons though.

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I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound much like love, compassion and respect to me.
Not by your definition of it. You think my love is contained in the bedroom? You are sorely mistaken I assure you.

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If you are having sex with her - would you consider each and every time a vow to her that you will never ever leave her nor forsake her?  (I'm speaking from the woman's point of view)  It is so easy to take for granted what this beautiful gift is for and how truly valuable she is - and how truly valuable YOU are.

The moment the vow is broken, the moment you or she turns to go on without the other, then in that moment, the very definition of love and it's expression (sex) is made into a thing and a lie. 

If you aren't ready to truly commit to her in the vow of marriage, then you are not worthy of the gift she gives to you with her body, soul and spirit - and the same with her.  You are worth that commitment, and you BOTH are worth the protection the Sacrament of Marriage offers to your souls.

I'm with you on this, you have to understand just one small point. I'm working on my conversion into Orthodoxy, so I am working on removing that baggage to become more Orthodox
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« Reply #28 on: February 03, 2011, 04:14:04 AM »

I'm having a difficult time with this one, everytime I want to get away from the temptation I fall for it with my girlfriend. It's hard a "habit" to break because I hold sex as an act of love (I guess that's another notion I need to get rid of) and I do partake of it on a regular, if not daily, basis.

Just not sure what I can do to get out of it. I know by God's grace but the connection with my girlfriend and I is so much more immmediate than it is with God.

My problem is my stubborness and my pride that gets in the way of any real attempts to turn over to God. I guess I'm fighting bouts of unbelief and this new "harder" way of life. Maybe I need to take a sex addiction course...
Who told you to "get rid of" that "notion"? Angry
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« Reply #29 on: February 03, 2011, 09:57:58 AM »

You know, I was thinking about this Sunday morning when I received Holy Communion.  I was a smoker - and then addicted to the nice little lozenges.  I became illumined and had my first Holy Communion in the Church - and wow. . .that made all the difference.  There is a huge difference between trying to do it yourself and trying to do it with the Lord Christ Jesus inside of you strengthening you. . .in my case, all He did was remind me that I have his living Body and Blood and Spirit INSIDE ME. . . wow. . .huge difference.

Knowing is half the battle, but the battle is and always will be HIS.  We can do nothing on our own.  

Lord have mercy on Aposphet!!

Continuing to pray for you.  Smiley

PS - holding sex as an act of love is definitely the way to go - please don't get rid of that 'notion', just allow Him to put it into the context within the way sex should be presented and protected so that your souls are protected.
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« Reply #30 on: February 03, 2011, 10:10:19 AM »

PS - holding sex as an act of love is definitely the way to go - please don't get rid of that 'notion', just allow Him to put it into the context within the way sex should be presented and protected so that your souls are protected.

Sex is an act of love - it is God's good gift to us within the proper context of marriage, as quietmorning so rightly reminds us. But, as we know from 1 Corinthians, love encompasses a lot more than sex. Love is compassion, respect, self-sacrifice and more.
Is it love to involve someone you care for in behaviors that you yourself are morally uneasy about?
Just think about it.
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« Reply #31 on: February 03, 2011, 11:01:24 AM »

You need to have that conversation with your girlfriend immediately.  I don't think there will be any progress unless the two of your are in agreement.  What if she won't agree to abstinence?  Are you prepared for that?  As a previous poster pointed out, you have two choices; to change, or not to change.  Years ago a friend who was a recovering alcoholic moved in with me.  Before he moved in he made me promise that there would never be a drop of alcohol in the house.  He wouldn't move in if I couldn't agree to that and if I couldn't continue agreeing with that, he would move out.  He had to be that strict and vigilant because it was a matter of his life and his soul.  I think it is much like your situation.  If your girlfriend will agree to abstinence then you need to have a plan that goes beyond just not having sex.  You will have to make some strict rules for the relationship and include other people in those rules so that you are accountable.  As the Anglican theologian John Macquarrie said, "We must avoid the mistake of thinking that because human sexuality is personal, it is also private."  Maybe think about each of you going to monasteries for a bit as a detox and healing.  Also, read "Real Sex" by Lauren Winner.  It is an honest, practical, and helpful look at Christians and sex.
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« Reply #32 on: February 03, 2011, 12:53:17 PM »

I'm having a difficult time with this one, everytime I want to get away from the temptation I fall for it with my girlfriend. It's hard a "habit" to break because I hold sex as an act of love (I guess that's another notion I need to get rid of) and I do partake of it on a regular, if not daily, basis.

Just not sure what I can do to get out of it. I know by God's grace but the connection with my girlfriend and I is so much more immmediate than it is with God.

My problem is my stubborness and my pride that gets in the way of any real attempts to turn over to God. I guess I'm fighting bouts of unbelief and this new "harder" way of life. Maybe I need to take a sex addiction course...

Actually, you're on to a few things here, and have a lot of hard work ahead of you.

1. Sex is and act of love - but it's an act of mature love, love that is committed, planted in firm foundation, and which has plenty of growth & history behind it.  Those who use sex without this kind of mature commitment are either severely hurt when the relationship breaks down, or have divorced sex from its fundamental expression of loving commitment, or some combination of the two.  This isn't just affirmed in the spiritual realm - it is also affirmed in the psychological realm; sex is more serious than most people would like to think of it, and for those who wish to use it most casually, it has become ultimately meaningless, divorced from love.  There's a reason why even the most socially-permissive psychologists will still tell kids not to have sex before adulthood: the bonds formed beyond the physical level are difficult to deal with, and if the psyche isn't developed enough, it will lead to neurosis.

2. If you're continuing to have sex on a "regular, if not daily, basis" with a woman to whom you hold no formal commitment (let's be honest - dating is hardly a "commitment" in the grand scheme of things), then you do indeed run the risk of becoming addicted - and if that is or will be the case, then she will become a tool for the feeding of the addiction rather than a partner in life.  You're already at high risk for this, not only because of the frequency, but because of your description of how you react to her:

"It's this natural reaction that I have once my girlfriend is around, we start making out and one things leads to another. That's the way it goes. I hate to use this as an excuse, but I can't help by how beautiful she looks."

"For me it's a deeper connection, which involves the cliche pillow talk, cuddling, caressing, expressing how beautiful and wonderful she is, etc etc."

3. People continue to think that sex is a tool for learning about the other person, growing closer to them, etc; it can be all that, but it's dangerous to use it without first laying a more solid and deep relationship foundation.  IMO you've fallen into a perception trap, especially indicated in your second quote above, when you say, "For me it's a deeper connection, which involves the cliche pillow talk, cuddling, caressing, expressing how beautiful and wonderful she is, etc etc."  The deepest connection is in the soul; but that sort of connection takes years to cultivate. 

Your relationship needs a lot more work before the physically intimate interaction will provide meaningful addition to it.  What would happen if you went "cold turkey?"  Would your relationship not suffer?  Would it only be a minor setback?  Would it be a near-catastrophic experience that would set your relationship back quite a bit?  Or would it be the "endgame?"  My guess is that you would answer yes to one of the latter two questions, not the former two.

4. In the end, it's hard for someone to honestly evaluate the strength of their relationship when the various emotional and hormonal elements of sexual activity are at play.  For some people, that is why they have sex so early: make them "feel" like they're further along, more committed, etc. with the other person than they really are.  In any case, it is only serving to cloud your judgment - would you think it's prudent if you were to choose to purchase a particular house when blindly drunk, or would you commit to the military while high as a kite?  Why, then, would you evaluate your relationship with your girlfriend while under the influence of hormones and emotions?  When we are charged with our greatest challenges, the Church directs us to two tools of decision-making and empowerment: prayer and fasting.  Both of these can be done together, as a couple; but neither one can coexist well with a pre-marital sexual relationship.

If the two of you are committed to one another, then your relationship should stand the test of abstinence, distance, time, etc.  If the relationship is not well-founded, but only appears to be strong because of the sexual relationship, then it's better you find out now than later after you've invested more time & heart into it. 

"Pure gold fears no fire."  If your relationship isn't purified by the fire of God's love for you, then it will be impure; but if you let the fire purify it, then it will be a most precious gold.
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« Reply #33 on: February 04, 2011, 05:32:03 PM »

Lord have mercy!

I am going to go out on a limb here and recommend perhaps reading some of Blessed Saint Augustine's Confessions.  It is a beautiful work in which he recounts the struggles in his life.  He too was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and most of his suffering came in the form of emotional and intellectual struggles.  Despair, doubt, self-loathing, and pride are common themes, thought I would say his greatest concern from his youth into adulthood was his lust.  Lust consumed him at many points in his life and greatly distracted him.  He was involved in sexual relationships and prayed to God: "Make me chaste...but not yet!". He realized that he was serving two masters.  It was something that deeply affected him, but that he was eventually able to overcome through faithfulness and serving the Church, the true Bride of Christ.  It was reading him that truly opened my eyes to the nature of spiritual struggle, and gave me confidence that the demons of lust can be overcome, a struggle I myself am involved in every day.

In Christ,
Paul
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« Reply #34 on: February 04, 2011, 05:55:28 PM »

People continue to think that sex is a tool for learning about the other person, growing closer to them, etc; it can be all that, but it's dangerous to use it without first laying a more solid and deep relationship foundation. 

Yes, it provides, at best, a sort of pseudo-intimacy, so people can delude themselves into feeling not so alone. When in reality, it is a fake and a trap.
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« Reply #35 on: February 04, 2011, 07:08:13 PM »


I'd love to marry her, but I won't just marry her just so I can have sex with her (I think that would undermine the concept of marriage IMO). But I'm not ready for it yet. I was engaged 2 years ago that went acrimonous afterwards, so I want to make sure this time is for real and good.



Are you not undermining marriage by just having the premarital sex? I know how you feel, though. Lust is easily my greatest and hardest to quell passion. I genuinely feel for you. I was in a similar situation where I was engaged with someone and I had to break it off because she recanted on her promise to adopt my faith. I have been cleaning up the debris in my life ever since.
It was important to me to realize that a married man can sinfully lust after his wife just in the same way an unmarried man can for another woman or for pornography. Marriage isn't an open invitation to have sex at our whim. We sacrifice ourselves and learn to hear the call of our mate. I also see sex like the Eucharist. It is a very powerful mystery but if used incorrectly it can cause backwards progression.
I think that when we're honest with ourselves we see that we don't want to have sex with our girlfriend because we lover her (even if we do) but because we are bowing to a passion that we can't stop. This helps us rationalize our sin, and IMO, making it even more detrimental.
The Holy Mother has helped break the chains lust has over me, and I'm sure she'd do the same for anyone humbly seeking her.
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« Reply #36 on: February 04, 2011, 10:08:22 PM »

Forgive me for not responding to each post, I actually am having trouble viewing it without having sinful thoughts come to mind. I haven't had sex for 4 days now, fighting every demon I can to overcome this.
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