Top Ten Signs You Might Be Russian Orthodox
By 'Dmitri Letterman'
. On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
. You're used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
. You can automatically subtract 13 days from today's
. On your first encounter with long words, you
pronounce them stressing the 'next to the next to
. You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards
when you see him on TV.
. You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you
know you'll be standing a long, long time.
. To you, a 'topless' gal is one without a headscarf.
. You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter
. You spend time figuring out the best way to remove
smoke stains from your ceiling.
. When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first
instinct is to hold out your hands to get his
. Before you pray, you say a prayer.
. You don't flinch when someone throws water at you.
. When you first tell people who ask what religion you
are, at first they think you're Jewish. Oy!
. You're experienced at removing wax from clothing.
. When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit
on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel
uncomfortable sitting down in public).
. The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes
late and lasts 2 = hours - and nobody around you
. You know you're in an Orthodox church when the
priest says, 'Let us complete our prayer to the Lord',
and there's still half an hour to go.
. You find yourself instinctively drawn to
jurisdictional chaos. 'I don't believe in organized
religion; I'm Orthodox!'
. At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your
. Your Easter isn't Easter without an all-night party
(featuring vodka and 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).