Phoenix73
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« on: August 21, 2010, 10:35:50 AM » |
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I am exhausted, do I have the right to call myself a Christian anymore? should I just walk away and expect nothing from God because I know I am shaming him.
I hate the cross I have been given. There is so much hate and anger in me, towards God, my intellectually retarded brother,who is getting worst by the moment and creating problem after problem (although I know things could be so much worse) I am hideous towards him, my elderly mother who has never bothered to learn English, drive a car, who is plain as day not coping yet will not make any decision about his care, she will not even put him in respite for a day, I keep telling her, I am not capable of looking after him for an hour, yet she thinks he will miraculously be taken cared of when she is gone. That day petrifies me. It has petrified me my whole life.
I have no other siblings, no cousins, aunts, uncles, I hate the look of sympathy I get from people, and deep down I know they feel blessed not to have a child or sibling like my brother. My brother is 8 years than me, I adored him when I was a child, he would have died for me, but I had no childhood, my mother loved me to death, suffocated me, she was also cold and harsh and scared, she did not know how to bring a normal child up never let me decide, never let me get a personality, never socialised me, she trusted no one, and fight as you might, you become your parent/s. I have lost all sense of empathy for them and everyone else.
My father was a joke my memories of him were of chasing my brother with bricks, screaming and yelling every night,, womanising , gambling alcoholism towards the end. I was wishing him dead since the age of 5, he passed away in 2007 in the middle of my 3 week holiday in Greece, I went on this trip, to get over my exhaustion/illness whatever was wrong with me back then, you can imagine what it was like coming back to organise his funeral. I know I was being punished, I do thank God though he did not die with me hating him. He had Alzheimer's the last few years and that mellowed him and softened me.
God it is too much, and I will say it, why me? Why? I am not that strong, so why this harshness for 37years, what should have I done? run away when I was a teenager found solace in drugs or alcohol? I guess this is my punishment for not abandoning a sinking ship when I had the youth and the chance to. It must all be my fault, I thought I was doing the right thing. I keep thinking God was in a terrible mood when he made me.
I am praying that this is not all my life will be, that I was not just bought into this world to care for my brother and mother, and if this is the case why can I not just accept it. It is scary when hope hurts you.
Contrary to the above I know God has heard me in the past, there have been answers to some impossible prayers, I am just feeling so lost at the moment, I am crying over the past afraid to hope for the future.
Please forgive me.
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Azul
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« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2010, 11:08:07 AM » |
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May the Lord give you strenght, be with you and your familly, bless and keep you always!
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Every formula of every religion has in this age of reason, to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent.
Mahatma Gandhi
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Salpy
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« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2010, 11:45:51 AM » |
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Lord have mercy!
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St. Hripsimeh pray for us!
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LizaSymonenko
Христос Воскрес!!! Christ is Risen!!!
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« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2010, 12:05:40 PM » |
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Lord, have mercy!
You CAN do it. Just take one day at a time.
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Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.
—St. Isaac of Syria
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kansas city
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« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2010, 12:06:17 PM » |
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May our God grant you peace and strength.
And reward merciful diligence.
Lord have mercy
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Chelsea
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« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2010, 12:15:21 PM » |
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Lord, have mercy!
May the Lord give you the strength you need and grant you peace and blessings.
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Michał Kalina
proud Podlachian Belarusian parajournalistic engineer in spe
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Hypatos
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OC.net's trickster
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« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2010, 02:42:08 PM » |
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Lord, have mercy!
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formerly known as mikeDespite being a Polish citizen I am not a Pole.  Long live Belarus! "It's my constitutional right!" |
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arnI
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« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2010, 04:56:43 PM » |
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Lord have mercy!
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Grant me to see my own errors and not to judge my brother
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scamandrius
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« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2010, 07:30:12 PM » |
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Remember, neither greatness of sins nor enormity of transgressions can surpass God's love for His Creation and that most certainly includes you. Don't give up.
Lord, have mercy!
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I seek the truth by which no man was ever harmed--Marcus Aurelius Those who do not read history are doomed to get their facts from Hollywood--Anonymous What earthly joy remains untouched by grief?--St. John Damascene http://myorthodoxjourney.blogspot.com/ |
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PeterTheAleut
The Right Blowhard Peter the Furtive of Yetts O'Muckhart
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EXTERMINATE!
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« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2010, 08:51:11 PM » |
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Lord, have mercy!
Phoenix, have you talked to your priest about all this?
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« Last Edit: August 22, 2010, 08:51:42 PM by PeterTheAleut »
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ialmisry
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« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2010, 09:02:11 PM » |
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Lord have mercy!
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Question a friend, perhaps he did not do it; but if he did anything so that he may do it no more.
A hasty quarrel kindles fire,
and urgent strife sheds blood.
If you blow on a spark, it will glow;
if you spit on it, it will be put out;
and both come out of your mouth
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stashko
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« Reply #11 on: August 22, 2010, 09:53:06 PM » |
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Prayers....
Life is Short......
Lord Have Mercy ,Grant You The Peace you seek....Amen
Love and Honor what you have left, i took my parents
for granted,now that God took them, i wish they were around ,
so i can do much much more for them.....Amen Amen
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 ГОСПОДЕ ГОСПОДЕ ,ПОГЛЕДАЈ СА НЕБА ,ДОЂИ И ПОСЕТИ ТВОЈ ВИНОГРАД ТВОЈА ДЕСНИЦА ПОСАДИЛА АМИН АМИН. |
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Heorhij
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« Reply #12 on: August 22, 2010, 09:54:25 PM » |
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Lord, have mercy!
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Love never fails.
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ICXCNIKA
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« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2010, 10:27:53 PM » |
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Lord Have mercy. I think it would be wise to speak with someone you can confide in a priest or counselor it is better get these feelings out in the open. This is a good start and I commend you for your honesty.
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Phoenix73
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« Reply #14 on: August 23, 2010, 05:51:15 AM » |
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 I want to Thank Everyone for their prayers and time, and yeas I have felt them. I am sorry for the vent, it was just an overwheming moth. Again Thankyou God Bless all you.
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SolEX01
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« Reply #15 on: August 23, 2010, 10:04:12 AM » |
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Lord have Mercy.
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jnorm888
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« Reply #16 on: August 23, 2010, 10:20:16 AM » |
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Lord have mercy!
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"loving one's enemies does not mean loving wickedness, ungodliness, adultery, or theft. Rather, it means loving the theif, the ungodly, and the adulterer." Clement of Alexandria 195 A.D. http://ancientchristiandefender.blogspot.com/ |
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