I am exhausted, do I have the right to call myself a Christian anymore? should I just walk away and expect nothing from God because I know I am shaming him.
I hate the cross I have been given. There is so much hate and anger in me, towards God, my intellectually retarded brother,who is getting worst by the moment and creating problem after problem (although I know things could be so much worse) I am hideous towards him, my elderly mother who has never bothered to learn English, drive a car, who is plain as day not coping yet will not make any decision about his care, she will not even put him in respite for a day, I keep telling her, I am not capable of looking after him for an hour, yet she thinks he will miraculously be taken cared of when she is gone. That day petrifies me. It has petrified me my whole life.
I have no other siblings, no cousins, aunts, uncles, I hate the look of sympathy I get from people, and deep down I know they feel blessed not to have a child or sibling like my brother. My brother is 8 years than me, I adored him when I was a child, he would have died for me, but I had no childhood, my mother loved me to death, suffocated me, she was also cold and harsh and scared, she did not know how to bring a normal child up never let me decide, never let me get a personality, never socialised me, she trusted no one, and fight as you might, you become your parent/s. I have lost all sense of empathy for them and everyone else.
My father was a joke my memories of him were of chasing my brother with bricks, screaming and yelling every night,, womanising , gambling alcoholism towards the end. I was wishing him dead since the age of 5, he passed away in 2007 in the middle of my 3 week holiday in Greece, I went on this trip, to get over my exhaustion/illness whatever was wrong with me back then, you can imagine what it was like coming back to organise his funeral. I know I was being punished, I do thank God though he did not die with me hating him. He had Alzheimer's the last few years and that mellowed him and softened me.
God it is too much, and I will say it, why me? Why? I am not that strong, so why this harshness for 37years, what should have I done? run away when I was a teenager found solace in drugs or alcohol? I guess this is my punishment for not abandoning a sinking ship when I had the youth and the chance to. It must all be my fault, I thought I was doing the right thing. I keep thinking God was in a terrible mood when he made me.
I am praying that this is not all my life will be, that I was not just bought into this world to care for my brother and mother, and if this is the case why can I not just accept it. It is scary when hope hurts you.
Contrary to the above I know God has heard me in the past, there have been answers to some impossible prayers, I am just feeling so lost at the moment, I am crying over the past afraid to hope for the future.
Please forgive me.
