"Secondly, obedience to a spiritual Father is not so much a question of commanding and obeying as of leading and following. In other words, a spiritual Father must never see him self as one who issues edicts, but as one who leads the lay person given to his care by God; he leads by word and deed. So many examples of this abound in the lives of the Saints that it would be pointless to begin citing them here. It need only be said that the relationship between a layman and his spiritual Father is not a legalistic one; it is not based on a vow of obedience (although, by grace it could be very binding on a particular spiritual Father and child). Rather, it is a living bond between two living souls, one more experienced than the other, one capable of showing the way because he has already begun to travel it, the other willing to trust and follow. The late Schemamonk John, for many years the Father Confessor of Varlaam Monastery, who also had many non-monastic spiritual children, put it this way: "The wise spiritual life was explained with precision by the Holy Fathers in their writings, but what they wrote can be best understood by being lived. It is the spiritual Father who must live these principles, according to his strength and the grace given to him, in full view of his spiritual children. To those who turn to me, small-brained as I am, I will give my opinion and then always say: But consider the matter yourself." [4] The spiritual Father does not coerce, he does not give orders; rather, he takes the spiritual child by the hand and leads the way, gently but firmly."
http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/layobedience.aspx
