Author Topic: Need help with tough family situation  (Read 148 times)

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Offline pious1

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Need help with tough family situation
« on: March 23, 2015, 04:18:43 PM »

Long story short, I am feuding with a family member over a serious issue. I have two sons and my mother passed away a few years before either of them was born. My grandmother (my mother's mom) has always been close to me and a big part of my life. For my oldest son, she has shown nothing but love and affection these past three years. When my wife and I (wife is Ukrainian/Roman Catholic) discussed the possibility of baptizing my second son Ukie Catholic, she snapped and said she wouldn't attend the baptism is not done in the Orthodox Church and when asked why so nasty about it (I was married in Orthodox Church and first son was baptized Orthodox) she replied that "If my mother were alive, she would not attend a Catholic baptism. (In my eyes the important thing is the child is baptized, preferably Orthodox but trying to placate my wife). In the end we baptized my 2nd son Orthodox as well. Since this has happened my grandmother has shown blatant favoritism towards my first born son (bringing envelopes with money for Halloween, Valentine's Day for him, not for my youngest) getting x-mss ornaments with my oldest's name but not my youngest, only babysitting my oldest and claiming she wouldn't take my younger son til he was at least a year old ( she watched my older son after he was 3 months). Anyways, these actions by her have gotten the eye of my wife and over the months has upset her greatly. Being the father, I never noticed these things until my wife pointed them out. Now my grandmother has always played favorites...(I was her fav of 4 grandkids) my uncle was her favorite of her 3 children...heck when my uncle got married, my grandma made a short speech at the reception stating "my girls always knew my son was my favorite". Now with my wife being so upset, I called my grandmother 6 weeks ago asking her, " I know you play favorites and its ok, but for my wife's sake, could you please not be so blatant with your favoritism?" when my grandmother asked how she was "playing favorites" i brought up the examples listed above....She went nuts on the phone screaming calling my wife and I "KGB" and how dare we question who she loves more/less after everything she has done for us (she has done a lot) I asked her to calm down, she continued screaming and called us crazy and if thats what we thought, she didn't want to see us or our children anymore. Now older women have a temper so I decided to give the situation some time. I haven't spoken to my grandmother in over a month (we would speak or see each other 2 times a week before hand) My wife called by grandma one day (as she would be more polite to her than to me) and arranged a day for her to keep my son overnight. When she came to pick up my son (the oldest) she was cold to her, not making eye contact, and when my wife invited her to dinner, she said, "No, I will not consider myself welcome until my grandson apologizes to me." My wife stated, "funny he it waiting for an apology from you" She responded, "thats not happening". Now a week later she held a surprise birthday party for my step-grandfather and did not invite me or my family.....This to me seems to be the last straw. I am at the point of saying to hell with them, to hell with my mom's side of the family. No way do I apologize as I did nothing wrong. She is the one criticizing my wife and child rearing when all we wanted was for her to be less blatantly obvious with favoritism. What am I to do? The fact she is so nasty to us during pascha of all seasons is amazing to me....

Offline wgw

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2015, 04:26:00 PM »
Kyrie Eleison  :'(
I am Oriental Orthodox but love the Eastern Orthodox, and the Byzantine liturgy.  I also love the Western liturgy.  I hope for the reconciliation of our churches.

Please forgive any offense my posts cause; none is intended. No statements I make should be regarded as authoritative, regardless of tone. Let us bless the Lord ar all times.

Offline eddybear

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2015, 05:20:09 PM »
Lord, have mercy.

As Christians we are commanded to be at peace with everyone as much as it depends on us. Unfortunately though sometimes there are people who, despite us doing everything we can, just will not be at peace with us. In those circumstances there is no sin in taking the necessary action to protect those we love, and are responsible for - especially if children could be harmed, not just physically, but also psychologically / emotionally - and breaking off a relationship, even a family one. It's not for me to say whether you've got to that point or not. I hope and pray all the relationships can still be restored.

Offline biro

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2015, 07:38:00 PM »
Lord have mercy.

St. Joseph the Betrothed, pray for us.
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Offline IXOYE

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2015, 07:45:41 PM »
Lord, have mercy!

Offline Pravoslavac

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2015, 09:20:49 PM »
This happens when you marry Latins. xD And it is weird to baptize one child in Orthodox Church and other one in some other Church. Decide your faith. Or at least let them chose their faith, but that carries some risks.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2015, 09:25:01 PM by Pravoslavac »
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Offline katherineofdixie

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #6 on: Yesterday at 11:03:39 AM »
Is it possible that she has some health issues? In the elderly, angry reactions that seem out of proportion can be symptoms of underlying health problems.
"If but ten of us lead a holy life, we shall kindle a fire which shall light up the entire city."

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Offline elephant

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 11:37:15 AM »
Dear pious1,

If an apology would help the situation, does it matter if you are "right" or "wrong"?

Love, elephant

Offline Velsigne

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Re: Need help with tough family situation
« Reply #8 on: Today at 02:12:19 PM »
Dear Pious1,

I agree with elephant, that it doesn't take much to apologize even if you're in the right. 

However, it is not good for children to be raised as outsiders within their own family.   The child who gets treated as 'less' than the other child isn't really going to understand why it is so, and with a child's reasoning your younger child may come to some mistaken conclusions that leads him to an unhealthy way of interacting in the world.

Why would you allow someone to do that to your child?

That type of parenting can also cause the favored children to feel superior to their siblings and cause them to have problems with their siblings, which of course they carry with them as adults into the greater world.

Now that you see she is planning to continue her parenting style with her grandchildren, it is your duty to protect your family. 

I would limit exposure of your children to this person.  Be a parent and take responsibility to make sure that your children are treated fairly and are always in your presence around her.

I realize parents would like a break from parenting from time to time, and it's easier to just let your eldest go with her, but in the long run, you will pay sorely for that short break. 

These are your children though, your responsibility to protect.