Author Topic: Think I just need some hands to hold...  (Read 1539 times)

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Offline Isadore

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Think I just need some hands to hold...
« on: May 18, 2010, 06:39:37 AM »
Sorry this is going to read like a journal entry, I've been through a rollercoaster of awful tonight.

I've been planning on debasing myself for a nest egg of money so I can move on to better things but I've been treated terribly everywhere I went. That's as far of a summary as I can give.

I tried modeling just to get some good photos of how I look now and got dragged in the dirt for not giving free nude shots to strangers (as in constant harassment) because I look pretty. I actually had some photographer tell me he would hire me to rip up a Bible and reenact all the 7 deadly sins "in parody". I denied every shoot I felt was edging too far into vanity and denied the crazies and still got harassed.

I've still been doing sex work for stupid reasons. One is to prove I'm still a sinner and I deserve to be debased for it. I know that's an unhealthy attitude. Luckily ? that took a turn for the worse. Once again because I'm "pretty" I got some stalkers. And I started hating it even more. I've been on the fence about when to quit because of money questions. Pretty much it soon became a question of when.

I guess I got an answer because my great aunt died at 99 (she was a stand-in for my grandmother because my grandmother died when my dad was little). I went to her service and dealt with my Atheist family again. I got made fun of for covering my hair and crossing myself even. Instead of accepting the Euchrist my dad just started crying. I knew he wanted to, but he didn't want to be made fun of. It was tragic how stubborn people were in both ways. They did sing my favorite hymn and since then I've been under the spell of it feeling sick and like I need to break away now.

I decided to sleep on it, so I slept on it, I woke up with the hymn in my head and crying constantly. I immediately quit and canceled any modeling even figure modeling. I am going to quit my "house" Friday. I am going to ignore all calls from them or any stranger. I am going to cut my hair off.

I still feel pretty terrible because I know I'm trying to take the right steps but everyone I worked around will make it difficult. I feel that I should be proclaiming Christ is Risen and celebrating but I'm full of dread. I still don't feel right and I feel like I'm hurting people. It's so confusing.

I guess I could really use encouragement with my decisions because despite everything I feel terrible about myself.
"Acquire a peaceful spirit, and around you thousands will be saved."

Offline LizaSymonenko

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2010, 08:30:32 AM »

Isadore.

You have my "virtual/cyber" hand, if you need it!

You sound like you've put much thought in to your "life style" and realize it is not the best thing for you.

Remember, there is no sin that God cannot forgive.  He just waits for us to realize we are sinning, to repent and to ask for His forgiveness.

Why don't you just ignore those silly family members and do the "right" thing.  Maybe if you show courage and perseverance towards your faith, you will bolster your father's courage, so he too, can benefit.

You are in my unworthy prayers.

Lord, have mercy!

Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.
—St. Isaac of Syria

Offline EofK

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2010, 09:40:18 AM »
Lord, have mercy! 
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams

Offline SolEX01

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2010, 10:04:45 AM »
Lord have Mercy.

Offline livefreeordie

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2010, 10:15:22 AM »
I'll be praying for you.

Offline tuesdayschild

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2010, 10:21:19 AM »
Have you considered paying a visit to a women's monastery?  A few days working and praying alongside Orthodox nuns may help you find the guidance and encouragement you are looking for.

Offline Papist

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2010, 05:36:55 PM »
Lord, have mercy.
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Offline Isadore

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2010, 06:19:51 PM »
Have you considered paying a visit to a women's monastery?  A few days working and praying alongside Orthodox nuns may help you find the guidance and encouragement you are looking for.

I found a beautiful one I hope to go stay at sometime soon, but right now my family's needs are more immediate and I seem to be holding my dad together.
"Acquire a peaceful spirit, and around you thousands will be saved."

Offline PrincessMommy

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2010, 06:25:00 PM »
Have you considered paying a visit to a women's monastery?  A few days working and praying alongside Orthodox nuns may help you find the guidance and encouragement you are looking for.

I was thinking the same thing.  Perhaps a bit of a respite at a monastery for spiritual renewal and wisdom as well as the peace you would be surrounded by would help you. 

Offline Quinault

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2010, 07:06:30 PM »
Have you considered paying a visit to a women's monastery?  A few days working and praying alongside Orthodox nuns may help you find the guidance and encouragement you are looking for.

I found a beautiful one I hope to go stay at sometime soon, but right now my family's needs are more immediate and I seem to be holding my dad together.

I will say this from personal experience- you are of no real help to anyone unless you take care of yourself. It is easy to think that it is selfish to care for yourself. But to care for yourself enables you to care for others. You can not bear the weight of others when you can barely hold up your own. The burdens of others can make up lighter only when we have adequetely cared for ourselves. You are to be a good steward of the life/body/mind God gave you. Don't neglect yourself inorder to give to others. Doing that will catch up to you and cause you to fall...hard. Care for yourself now while you can. I doubt your father would want you to ill treat yourself to treat him well.

Offline Isadore

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2010, 10:21:38 PM »
I guess I am taking a vacation soon then.

I was right though. I got tons of hate mail today just from rejecting future clients who called me all manner of names you can guess, insulted my family and everything about me really. Of course it has to be the day for some reason my message filters don't work. One psycho went through a whole spiel insulting me for selling myself (much more vulgar), being ugly, insulted my father, went through a speech about being rich, and then apologized because "I am hot". This was *after* I had another stalker panic attack. I really can't believe people. First of all I'm not vain and being "hot" means nothing to me. It just makes me afraid of interacting with most men. Second of all when has being "hot" ever saved anyone from abuse or suffering? Well, obviously...

And this is *before* anyone else knows I'm leaving. :( At least tomorrow is Wednesday.

I am going to go into my closest to pray quite literally and wait for this to weather out...
"Acquire a peaceful spirit, and around you thousands will be saved."

Offline HandmaidenofGod

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2010, 12:49:38 AM »
Lord have mercy
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jer 29:11

Offline Cosmos

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Re: Think I just need some hands to hold...
« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2010, 01:26:14 AM »


Dear Isadore:

I pray that God will mercifully bless you with an abundance of His healing grace!

Cosmos
Κύριε Ἰησοῦ Χριστέ, ἐλέησόν με!