Here's the short version. I have been studying Orthodoxy for the last 9 months and I am at a point where I have started to ask myself some questions because I believe I am coming to a crossroad. Am I bound for Orthodoxy?
I have been told that God will lead us in a direction that is according to His will, even if we may not will it that way. Well, I am wondering if this path that I am on is the direction that God is calling me to or is this self directed. I highly doubt that it is self directed but I have made some self directed moves in the past that were more of my own doing than maybe Gods. Everyday I find myself taking part in more practices and customs of the Orthodox church even though I am not Orthodox. I often ponder if I have taken the turn to Orthodoxy and there is no turning back. So I pray a lot and strive to be patient and wonder if this could be God's will and not my own desires. I think if it is Gods' will then it will happen either way. Would you think the same?
Another question I have concerns my wife. There were a series of (divine??) events that brought my wife and I together and a series of events throughout our life that we can only contribute to Gods' Will. So with this I wonder, could I leave the church of my wife for another church knowing that our life was ordained by God? What kind of issues would this bring up? Will this cause spiritual dryness on her part? Will I be judged for this on my judgement day. I almost feel that I could not leave the RCC unless I knew it was the Will of God and my wife would come along? I also think if it is the Will of God then I cannot stop this progression. I pray for guidance on this issue every day.
I am taking things very slow with my wife and I have shared some of this with her and some of it I have not. I have explained to her that my desire for Orthodoxy is not going away and that I am not learning about it for some hidden agenda but I believe that this may be the road that God is leading my down. I struggle with this point of going alone and not having my wife there. I have told my wife a couple times and I can't help but think that if this is the Will of God then there is no controlling it............my wife doesn't see it that way. I can't help but think that one day I am going to have to let her know where I might stand on this topic and my thoughts on moving towards the Orthodox Church. I also am contact with a local priest about these thoughts and concerns.
How familiar does all this sound to converts and other long time Orthodox?
Anyway I wanted to get this out there and see what the thoughts were of some folks, and its well after midnight so forgive me if there are some ramblings in this post. I'll check back when I can. Thanks