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Tikhon.of.Colorado
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« on: April 08, 2010, 06:08:49 PM »

Hi, everyone. 

I am having a problem.  my parents just divorced and I'm 15.  it's really tough.  my mother just doesn't understand how hard it is.  She's lived without my dad before, so she knows how to get around on her own.  she doesn't get that I've never experienced life without both of my parents there.   Cry

she talks to men on the internet, and occasionally goes to have coffee with them.  of course this makes me sad, but there's really no harm since the divorce was finalized last month.  but last night she went on a "date" with a man, and didn;t get home until after 12pm.  this morning, she got mad at me when she found out that I waited up for her to come home.

I feel like she pays more attention to the men on her cell phone than on my sister and I.  I mean, I understand (well...not really) her taking up smoking again after 16 years because she was sad. 

I've read that teens from a divorced home will cling to their parent, instead of getting ready to go out on their own.  this is exactly what I'm doing, and I just can't stop it. 

lately I've been really depressed about all of this.  I mis the way it was when my dad was here and we were happy. 

I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to keep my mom from "having a life", but I feel that it's my time to begin my life and her to support me, not the other way around.  I know I'm being selfish.

could I have some advice?  thanks.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2010, 06:11:16 PM by trevor72694 » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2010, 06:18:17 PM »

Lord, have mercy.
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2010, 06:24:42 PM »

Lord, have mercy!

Trevor, I think you need to make an appointment with a specialist, a medical psychologist-counselor. A decision must be made by this professional whether or not you need a special therapy (medication and/or psychotherapy). When parents divorce, it always hits hard on their children, and you are in the age that is especially vulnerable. Sad situations like yours may cause or aggravate some chemical imbalances in the brain, and that must be taken care of if that is the case. Again, let a professional take a look at you and decide.

You are in my unworthy prayers, please feel free to write to me privately any time.

George
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Tikhon.of.Colorado
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2010, 06:34:42 PM »

Lord, have mercy!

Trevor, I think you need to make an appointment with a specialist, a medical psychologist-counselor. A decision must be made by this professional whether or not you need a special therapy (medication and/or psychotherapy). When parents divorce, it always hits hard on their children, and you are in the age that is especially vulnerable. Sad situations like yours may cause or aggravate some chemical imbalances in the brain, and that must be taken care of if that is the case. Again, let a professional take a look at you and decide.

You are in my unworthy prayers, please feel free to write to me privately any time.

George
thanks so much.  that's good advice, I'll look into seeing a doctor.  One thing that I have to say, though, is that after posting this, I went to my kitchen and my mother gave me a long hug, and told me that she baught be some new clothes!

your prayers must have worked!  Glory be to God!
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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2010, 06:40:01 PM »

Hi, everyone.  

I am having a problem.  my parents just divorced and I'm 15.  it's really tough.  my mother just doesn't understand how hard it is.  She's lived without my dad before, so she knows how to get around on her own.  she doesn't get that I've never experienced life without both of my parents there.   Cry

she talks to men on the internet, and occasionally goes to have coffee with them.  of course this makes me sad, but there's really no harm since the divorce was finalized last month.  but last night she went on a "date" with a man, and didn;t get home until after 12pm.  this morning, she got mad at me when she found out that I waited up for her to come home.

I feel like she pays more attention to the men on her cell phone than on my sister and I.  I mean, I understand (well...not really) her taking up smoking again after 16 years because she was sad.  

I've read that teens from a divorced home will cling to their parent, instead of getting ready to go out on their own.  this is exactly what I'm doing, and I just can't stop it.  

lately I've been really depressed about all of this.  I mis the way it was when my dad was here and we were happy.  

I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to keep my mom from "having a life", but I feel that it's my time to begin my life and her to support me, not the other way around.  I know I'm being selfish.

could I have some advice?  thanks.

First of all, you're not being selfish for wanting your Mom to be there for you. You are 15, not 35. A teen needs his Mom.

I can understand how difficult this is, as my parents divorced when I was 9, and my mother sort of "forgot" about my sister and I when she got remarried when I was 13.  Roll Eyes

Have you talked to your Mom about how you feel? If not, talk to her. Tell her that you are having a difficult time adjusting to your Dad not being around, and that you really could use her support. Tell her that you love her, and that you feel like the two of you have grown apart recently. She may not be aware how her dating is affecting you and your sister.

Are you still in contact with your father? If so, this may be a time to get closer with him. (DON'T tell him about your Mom dating, what she is doing, etc.)

Also, talk with your priest. Tell him that you are in need of a mentor, someone who can guide you, during this time. He may know of some adult in the parish who would be willing to listen to you, hang out with you, and help you during this time.

In the end, remember "this too shall pass" and things will get better. The wound in your heart will eventually heal, and you will be able to move on with your life.

In the meantime, don't feel guilty for wanting your parent to be a parent. That's their job, and it's what their supposed to do.

You come FIRST before any boyfriends are potential boyfriends. Your mother still has two children at home; she can worry about her social life after you're out of the house.

Pray, have faith, and may God shower you with His abundant mercy!
« Last Edit: April 08, 2010, 06:41:22 PM by HandmaidenofGod » Logged

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« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2010, 03:39:27 PM »

Lord, have mercy.
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« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2010, 02:41:06 AM »

Trevor, have things gotten any better between you and your mother? 
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« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2010, 02:58:08 AM »

Trevor, have things gotten any better between you and your mother? 
it is so nice of you to ask!  yes, they have. I am adjusting to not having my father around at my home.  at first, I had no idea what to expect, and was very scared.  hen I would look around our home, I would just see memories of the "happy times".  now, we've gotten new carpet, new furniture, and painted almost every room.  it's really great, we're making our house ours  someone is also coming to nock down the wall between my room and my sister's, and she's moving downstairs, so I have a great big room!  I now see that change is sometimes good, even when it's painful at first.  I must say, I don't think I would have gotten through all of this without the Church.  I have let God in, and He's taken my life over.  Things are improving more and more each day!  it's still hard, but not as bad as the beginning of this whole process.  it really has been a sort of growing up experience for me.  I've also come to accept my mother dating.  she assures me she just wants a friend, someone to talk to.  I can see that she wants to find more than that, and who am I to stand in her way?  and becides, I like to see her happy!  it's times like this when I really just need to pray ALOT and things get better.  I like to chant several cannons to the Theotokos when I'm home alone in the mornings, it really helps me get ready for the day to come.  I also feel that reading spiritual books really help me get through everything in life that bother me.  it makes me realize that this is not all there is.  there is a Man who was the Savior of the world, and I'm in His Church.  what an amazing idea!  and the fact that after death he'll come again, the dead will rise and he will judge us just makes my faith stronger.  in this respect, to a certain point, I worry about some of my mother's attitudes toward things, but then must realize that she's not Orthodox, she's Presbyterian (fallen away.  to each his own, I suppose.  I have also decided that after high school I want to study theology.  I don't want to marry, so I wouldn't make a good priest, and Monasticism is something to consider whn I am older.  but for now, I'd LOVE to go to seminary and study the Church and all her teachings.  that won't be for a few years, though.  I find that looking toward the future helps numb the pain of these painful moments. 
« Last Edit: July 24, 2010, 03:00:54 AM by trevor72694 » Logged

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« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2010, 03:14:14 AM »

You have a good attitude, Trevor.  It sounds like you are doing everything right.  I'm glad to hear that you find peace in Christ's Holy Church and in the arms of our Holy Queen.  Continue to keep your mind focused on God.  It is rare in these days to find people with such zeal, and a teenager no less!  It is a wonderful grace that the Lord has led you to His Church and has bestowed upon you such great zeal.  Continue to guard yourself diligently.  May the Lord preserve you.
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« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2010, 03:16:30 AM »

You have a good attitude, Trevor.  It sounds like you are doing everything right.  I'm glad to hear that you find peace in Christ's Holy Church and in the arms of our Holy Queen.  Continue to keep your mind focused on God.  It is rare in these days to find people with such zeal, and a teenager no less!  It is a wonderful grace that the Lord has led you to His Church and has bestowed upon you such great zeal.  Continue to guard yourself diligently.  May the Lord preserve you.

thank you! 
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« Reply #10 on: July 24, 2010, 04:30:31 PM »

I must say, I don't think I would have gotten through all of this without the Church.  I have let God in, and He's taken my life over. Things are improving more and more each day!

Thank God! I've gone through similar situations and I don't know where I would be without the Church. Keep praying. You will encounter tough times and temptations but look at them as gifts from God to make you stronger in your faith.

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I don't want to marry, so I wouldn't make a good priest, and Monasticism is something to consider whn I am older.  but for now, I'd LOVE to go to seminary and study the Church and all her teachings.  that won't be for a few years, though.  I find that looking toward the future helps numb the pain of these painful moments.

I'm glad to hear this. We need more monastics and it seems many are getting interested in it (myself included and I have three other friends pondering it as well). May God be with you!
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« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2010, 09:44:49 PM »

Lord, have mercy!
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