I am very close to finally being re received into the OC from the RCC (officially). However I'm starting to get cold feet about my reversion. I am constantly thinking about whether or not what I'm doing is the Right choice. I really want to return to Orthodoxy but am afraid that I don't have the strength or the will power to even make it through the door of a church. I'm currently in discussion with a priest who says that he wants to meet with me but I keep putting off making an appointment with him for the reasons above. When I originally converted way back in 2000, I was a lot younger and More daring in the things that I did and was willing to go through. Yet now it's ten years later and I'm ten years older and have had a lot of the stuffing knocked out of me by life and past, personal experiences. I really do believe what the OC does about theology and doctrine and have always felt myself closer to the EO concept of Christianity then the legalism and nit picking of the RCC. However, I am so worn out by everything and so afraid of change that this is a much more difficult step for me to take then it previously was.
Yet my time in the RCC since reverting has left me with scars. For one thing, I was involved with the traditionalist, Latin mass Catholics who are far more stricter and deadly serious about religion then what passes for the RCCC in most places these days. These traditionalsit told me that I would defiantly go to Hell when I died if I left the RCC and that there was no salvation outside her fold (amongst many other threats that they hurled into me). I want to be Orthodox but I still feel afraid to leave the RCC (even though I don't participate in her sacramental life anymore). I fear and doubt whether my conversion is sincere and whether or not I will pay the ultimate price of loosing my immortal soul for leaving the RC fold. I don't want to be like this, held hostage to a religion which I don't want to be part of because of these fears. I want to become Orthodox, but oh these worries and fears.
Please keep me in your prayers.