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Lauren_Elisse
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« on: March 07, 2010, 02:08:06 PM »

I have only been dating him for a month now, so I feel it may to too soon to end it. But I want to end it before it becomes too late.
My boyfriend and I haven't gotten to se eachotjer for a
few weeks now and he has anger issues. We were supposed to see eachother last night for a movie but when his grandpa said no, my boyfriend met his breaking point for the week and he ran out side and screamed and threw thing and threw a rock at an innocent cow.
He also had me awake for he entire day for twelve hours waiting for him to come get me.
He claimed that he was going to call but at almos ten o'clock I don't think I believe him.
I was also told that he prayed for th first time in a long time and that he said it was a waste of time.
I think I'm afaid that one day he might lose his temper on me and I'll get hit.
I can't date someone who can't control their anger because it endangers me and I can't be with someone who can allow themselves to hurt an animal just because they were angry.
I cant date someone who says that talking to God is a waste of time.
What should I do?
He really is a breahtaking guy and I want to give it time, but I'm living in th future with the possibilities.
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« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2010, 03:37:06 PM »

I think you already have the answers:

"I can't date someone who can't control their anger because it endangers me and I can't be with someone who can allow themselves to hurt an animal just because they were angry.

I cant date someone who says that talking to God is a waste of time."

God bless.
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« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2010, 04:05:20 PM »

Run in the opposite direction. Fast. Be thankful for the red flags and don't ignore them. If he is already taking you for granted and showing you his temper after only one month, think what he would be like after the honeymoon stage has worn off.
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« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2010, 04:32:08 PM »

The issue is not this particular young man. The issue is finding your fulfillment in Christ. There are no perfect men out there, and there are no perfect women. If we look to find our fulfillment in relationships with the opposite sex, then we will always be disappointed. Even married Christians have problems when they keep expecting their spouse to make them happy.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find mutual love in a comitted and godly relationship. This is natural, and God Himself said that "It is not good that man should be alone." [Genesis 2:18] It's interesting that this is the first time in the Creation account that God said something was not good. But remember that Adam had no need or desire for another human relationship, for he was in complete and uncorrupted union with God. And while Adam was experiencing this complete intimacy with God, it was then that he was given Eve. So, if we focus on finding our satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment in Christ, we will certainly find it. And we will also find other unexpected blessings along the way, perhaps such as marriage. But if we seek fulfillment in human relationships, then we will never find really find it. And even worse, we may lose sight of Christ and lose our eternal life.

I know it's easy for me to say all this, and it probably does little to help you at this time. But I hope you can somehow trust that what I am saying is true. When Christ becomes your end all and be all, then the right people will be drawn to you at the right time. As you draw closer to Our Lord, then certain people in your life will fall away from you and new people will be drawn to you. It's amazing how that happens. And in time, you will look back and realize how greatly God has blessed you.

"Lord have mercy."

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be aded unto you." [St. Matthew 6:33]

"Delight yourself in the Lord,a nd He will give you the desires of your heart." [Psalm 37:4]



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« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2010, 07:01:10 PM »

Run in the opposite direction. Fast. Be thankful for the red flags and don't ignore them. If he is already taking you for granted and showing you his temper after only one month, think what he would be like after the honeymoon stage has worn off.
I think you already have the answers:

"I can't date someone who can't control their anger because it endangers me and I can't be with someone who can allow themselves to hurt an animal just because they were angry.

I cant date someone who says that talking to God is a waste of time."

God bless.

Run. Run. Run. Or rather, Run! Run! Run!

And thank God you found out before it became serious: I found out in the middle of a marriage. Not pretty.
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« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2010, 07:14:13 PM »

Run in the opposite direction. Fast. Be thankful for the red flags and don't ignore them. If he is already taking you for granted and showing you his temper after only one month, think what he would be like after the honeymoon stage has worn off.
I think you already have the answers:

"I can't date someone who can't control their anger because it endangers me and I can't be with someone who can allow themselves to hurt an animal just because they were angry.

I cant date someone who says that talking to God is a waste of time."

God bless.

Run. Run. Run. Or rather, Run! Run! Run!

And thank God you found out before it became serious: I found out in the middle of a marriage. Not pretty.

Let me be a dissenting voice. My wife does very sincerely and enthusiastically believe that praying is a TOTAL waste of time, and, moreover, she believes that praying or openly going to church is a shame because it does not fit a modern, enlightened human being.

But we have been married for 26+ beautiful years and I cherish every single second of being with her, and consider myself the most blessed and happy man in the world because of her.

Violence... now that's a totally different cup of tea or pair of shoes...
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« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2010, 07:23:34 PM »

Run in the opposite direction. Fast. Be thankful for the red flags and don't ignore them. If he is already taking you for granted and showing you his temper after only one month, think what he would be like after the honeymoon stage has worn off.
I think you already have the answers:

"I can't date someone who can't control their anger because it endangers me and I can't be with someone who can allow themselves to hurt an animal just because they were angry.

I cant date someone who says that talking to God is a waste of time."

God bless.

Run. Run. Run. Or rather, Run! Run! Run!

And thank God you found out before it became serious: I found out in the middle of a marriage. Not pretty.

Let me be a dissenting voice. My wife does very sincerely and enthusiastically believe that praying is a TOTAL waste of time, and, moreover, she believes that praying or openly going to church is a shame because it does not fit a modern, enlightened human being.

But we have been married for 26+ beautiful years and I cherish every single second of being with her, and consider myself the most blessed and happy man in the world because of her.
But your wife's comments come in the context of that ongoing marriage, while your shift was going on in that context.  Here, the problems are up front.

yes, it could work (leaving aside the question of violence for the moment).  But should anyone take that crap shoot?
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If you blow on a spark, it will glow;
if you spit on it, it will be put out;
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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2010, 08:46:24 PM »

Why would you stay with someone with violent anger?

Better an ex-boyfriend than an ex-husband! (or murdered!)
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« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2010, 08:51:35 PM »

Quote
I can't date someone who can't control their anger because it endangers me and I can't be with someone who can allow themselves to hurt an animal just because they were angry
My late grandfather ,  may God forgive him, could, at times, be very violent with the animals around (I'm the same), yet he never hit his wife.
I think we have become hyper sanitized and hyper sensitive when it comes to anger and its physical manifestations.
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« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2010, 09:54:30 PM »

As I see it, the worrisome thing that everyone is forgetting here is that this man doesn't just have anger issues (which, yes, indeed could turn into abuse), but he is already taking the young lady for granted by making her wait all day and not having the humility and decency to let her know what's going on. To me that shows a serious lack of nobility and good breeding-and believe me, it's not going to get better after a few years of marriage and the stresses and responsiblities of real life rear their ugly heads. He sounds spoiled and self-centred.
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« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2010, 10:31:15 PM »

The inability to control one's temper never bodes well for those around them, it is best to leave.
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« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2010, 10:56:58 PM »

Run, girl, and don't look back.

Anger issues aside (my family can get pretty loud and we love throwing things at walls), the religious difference alone should end it.  You are not going to convert him by dating him, though I've known more than a few men who converted TO date someone (my own grandfather comes to mind.  Though he didn't marry the girl he became a Christian to date, his conversion lasted throughout his life.  He became a revivalist minister and a missionary, working with both the Baptist church and Mars Thoma in India to spread the Gospel to the Hindu and Sikh in India).  Sticking to your guns on dating only Christians can have a profound impact on more than just one life.
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« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2010, 11:39:29 PM »

I have invited him to church with me next Sunday.
I think he just needs to see the true faith.
He even accepted the invitation and is trying to get the day off so he can go.
I argued with him about it today. It wasn't actually an argument, he sincerely apologized and after he did I brought that up.
I told him that it is hard for me to talk to someone who thinks that what I do on the daily bases us a waste.
I wish there were people in my community that were orthodox and that at least a few of them were young men my age.
My parish in both directions is a two hour driving distance.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2010, 11:42:01 PM by Lauren_Elisse » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2010, 12:01:56 AM »

I have invited him to church with me next Sunday.
I think he just needs to see the true faith.
He even accepted the invitation and is trying to get the day off so he can go.
I argued with him about it today. It wasn't actually an argument, he sincerely apologized and after he did I brought that up.
I told him that it is hard for me to talk to someone who thinks that what I do on the daily bases us a waste.
I wish there were people in my community that were orthodox and that at least a few of them were young men my age.
My parish in both directions is a two hour driving distance.
Do you have someone outside of this forum with whom you can talk about such personal issues?  We can offer you general advice, some of which you may find helpful, and some of which you may find destructive, but we really can't speak to the specifics of your situation without a good knowledge of who you are and how you live your life.  You would therefore get much better advice by speaking face-to-face with someone who knows you well.
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« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2010, 02:09:30 AM »

"I think I'm afaid that one day he might lose his temper on me and I'll get hit."

"I can't date someone who can't control their anger because it endangers me and I can't be with someone who can allow themselves to hurt an animal just because they were angry."

"I cant date someone who says that talking to God is a waste of time."

"I wish there were people in my community that were orthodox and that at least a few of them were young men my age."

As SecondChance (and pretty much everyone else) has said, you've really answered your own question with the above phrases.  Not only do you seem to be concerned for your safety, you're concerned about not being equally yoked.  Even more telling, though, is that you seem to be settling, basing your decision solely on his looks (When you say "breathtaking", I assume you meant that he's handsome and not that he's knocked the wind out of you from a punch to the gut).  Each of these concerns alone is reason enough to seriously reconsider your situation.  Together though, they pretty much paint what should be a very clear decision.  It's not fitting for me to tell you what you should do (really, though, you already seem to have the answer), but I agree with Peter that you would very likely benefit by talking to someone who really loves you and has your best interests at heart. 






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« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2010, 04:46:35 AM »

Going out with someone horrible but good-looking in the hope that they will change is unfair on both yourself and the other person. Go out with someone you would want to be with as they are, not with the imaginary person you hope they will become- that person exists only in your mind and nowhere else.
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« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2010, 11:24:50 AM »

Going out with someone horrible but good-looking in the hope that they will change is unfair on both yourself and the other person. Go out with someone you would want to be with as they are, not with the imaginary person you hope they will become- that person exists only in your mind and nowhere else.

Agreed.  And most certainly do not be tempted by the "I can save him/her" fallacy.  Please.
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« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2010, 11:40:28 AM »

Good advice.^^^^^^^^^  Usually the one that offers advice is the one that needs it most. I would also follow PTA's advice and seek council with your priest.
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« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2010, 04:04:10 PM »

Going out with someone horrible but good-looking in the hope that they will change is unfair on both yourself and the other person. Go out with someone you would want to be with as they are, not with the imaginary person you hope they will become- that person exists only in your mind and nowhere else.

I just thought this was so important (having been a teenaged girl myself, when dinosaurs roamed the earth!) that it needed to be said again.

Lauren - You already know this is not a good guy. Based on your description, he's already out of control, physically violent and selfish. This is not something that you can fix or make better.

You already know what to do. You just don't want to give up the fantasy.

P.S. Just FYI, they always apologize. Then they do it again.

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« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2010, 05:35:37 PM »

As I was trying to say in reply #3, you can run away from this particular individual, but unless you run to Christ then you will only be running away from yourself.

I would also caution others not to make prima facie condemnations of this boy in question. He may be a trerrible human being, or he may simply be a young man going through very difficult times. Throwing a rock at a cow would hardly make him Charles Manson (we're Orthodox, not Hindu Wink). Of course I don't like any behavior that mistreats animals, but let's not over react here. My main concern would be his spiritual life. If he demonstrates a continued pattern of abhorrence for Christian things - such as mocking prayer- then I would definitely see that as a sign to end the relationship.

And, of course, violence - verbal or otherwise - would also be a sign that your should end the relationship immediately.

But let's not pile on this guy too hard, since we are only getting one side of the story. (Not implying that you aren't accurate in your assessment Lauren.)

OK, just wanted to chime in again with my 2 cents- FWIW.


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« Reply #20 on: March 17, 2010, 10:29:02 PM »

Others have given you you such wise advice, I feel there is little I can add.

With all the popularity of Jane Austin movies in the last few years and all the discussion groups that have poped up, many young women or maybe some young women seem to be thinking that marriage is the aim of life.

The aim of life is theosis.  We have a tradition in the Eastern Slavic tradition of Orthodoxy that the wife and husband are to be a starets and starytsia to each other: that they truly help each other on the road to theosis during their marriage.

When you are dating keep this in mind and ask yourself if the young man would help you to become more like Christ.
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« Reply #21 on: March 18, 2010, 12:30:22 AM »

I actually think that we are breaking up tomorrow.
I heard that he cheated on me from a very reliable source, and he said no, but for five days he's been made at me just for asking.
He's been ignoring me, talking down to me, today he was on and off he was happy then he'd ignore me and it was like that alot, he pins all of this blame on me just for asking?
He lied about my v-day present btw, and I'm going to make him pay me fourty five dollars because he got me nothing, he didn't reschedule our date to omak like he should have.
I'm so tired of this, he couldn't eve be happy for me, i picked out the most gorgeous prom dress and he just said " oh, yeah, it's cool" today I told him that I wanted to keep talking to him because I like talking to him his response "yeah, i know".

He drove me home and I said nothing to him until we hit my house, I told him that as a human being and as his girlfriend I don't deserve the way he is treating me. I also asked when he was going to be over it because I didn't deserve to very before I go to bed knowing he'll be mad at me tomorrow. his only response was "well i told you it wouldn't be instant"
I asked if he was going to be like this at prom too, once again he says nothing.

I'm going to give him until saturday to grow a pair or he is done, that is if we don't break up tomorrow.
I'm sorry I don't think it was wrong to set him straight eve though it just made him mad.
He's putting on such a huge defense that I bet he did.
The Holy Spirit is a better prom date than this guy will ever be.
Others have given you you such wise advice, I feel there is little I can add.

With all the popularity of Jane Austin movies in the last few years and all the discussion groups that have poped up, many young women or maybe some young women seem to be thinking that marriage is the aim of life.

The aim of life is theosis.  We have a tradition in the Eastern Slavic tradition of Orthodoxy that the wife and husband are to be a starets and starytsia to each other: that they truly help each other on the road to theosis during their marriage.

When you are dating keep this in mind and ask yourself if the young man would help you to become more like Christ.

and no I don't believe that any teenage boy can make me more like Christ.
I think that this will only help me, because I want to date an orthodox boy, someone that has a strong relationship with Christ.
I hate highschool, and I wish I were in college right now because the guys are older and more mature, they may have the same intentions, but maybe a few of them can be good.
I'm trying to feel what it's like to be single and prepare myself right now.
I'm praying for Christ to protect me and strengthen me so I feel no sadness.



« Last Edit: March 18, 2010, 12:35:49 AM by Lauren_Elisse » Logged

Psalms 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
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