Read the Psalms of David.
Or say this prayer ceaslessly:
http://www.philokalia.org/on_the_prayer_of_jesus.htmThis is the demon of vainglory, you feel the need to be accepted by men, he is tormenting you, I have felt the exact same way.
Its vanity.
I've been the way you are describing for most of my teenage life.
Hear what this saint says:
St John Cassian
On the Eight Vices
On Self-Esteem
Our seventh struggle is against the demon of self-esteem, a multiform and subtle passion which is not readily
perceived even by the person whom it tempts. The provocations of the other passions are more apparent and it is
therefore somewhat easier to do battle with them, for the soul recognizes its enemy and can repulse him at once by
rebutting him and by prayer. The vice of self-esteem, however, is difficult to fight against, because it has many
forms and appears in all our activities - in our way of speaking, in what we say and in our silences, at work, in vigils
and fasts, in prayer and reading, in stillness and long-suffering. Through all these it seeks to strike down the soldier
of Christ. When it cannot seduce a man with extravagant clothes, it tries to tempt him by means of shabby ones.
When it cannot flatter him with honor, it inflates him by causing him to endure what seems to be dishonor. When it
cannot persuade him to feel proud of his display of eloquence, it entices him through silence into thinking he has
achieved stillness. When it cannot puff him up with the thought of his luxurious table, it lures him into fasting for
the sake of praise.
In short, every task, every activity, gives this malicious demon a chance for battle. He even prompts us to imagine
we are priests. I remember a certain elder who, while I was staying in Sketis, went to visit a brother in his cell. When
he approached his door, he heard him speaking inside; thinking that he was studying the Scriptures, he stood outside
listening, only to realize that self-esteem had driven the man out of his mind and that he was ordaining himself
deacon and dismissing the catechumens. When the elder heard this, he pushed open the door and went in. The
brother came to greet him, bowed as is the custom, and asked him if he had been standing at the door for a long
time. The elder replied with a smile: 'I arrived a moment ago, just when you were finishing the dismissal of the
catechumens.' When the brother heard this, he fell at the feet of the elder and begged him to pray for him so that he
would be freed from
[V1] 92
St John Cassian
On the Eight Vices
On Listlessness
this delusion. I have recalled this incident because I want to show to what depths of stupidity this demon can bring
us.
The person who wants to engage fully in spiritual combat and to win the crown of righteousness must try by every
means to overcome this beast that assumes such varied forms. He should always keep in mind the words of David:
'The Lord has scattered the bones of those who please men' (Ps. 53:5. LXX). He should not do anything with a view
to being praised by other people, but should seek God's reward only, always rejecting the thoughts of self-praise that
enter his heart, and always regarding himself as nothing before God. In this way he will be freed, with God's help,
from the demon of self-esteem.
And here is the same saint again:
BOOK XI.
OF THE SPIRIT OF VAINGLORY.
CHAPTER I.
How our seventh combat is against the spirit of vainglory, and what its nature.
OUR seventh combat is against the spirit of self-esteem which we may term vain or idle glory:
a spirit that takes many shapes, and is changeable and subtle, so that it can with difficulty, I will
not say be guarded against, but be seen through and discovered even by the keenest eyes.
CHAPTER II.
How vainglory attacks a monk not only on his carnal, but also on his spiritual side.
FOR not only does this, like the rest of his faults, attack a monk on his carnal side, but on his
spiritual side as well, insinuating itself by craft and guile into his mind: so that those who cannot
be deceived by carnal vices are more grievously wounded through their spiritual proficiency; and
it is so much the worse to fight against, as it is harder to guard against. For the attack of all other
vices is more open and straightforward, and in the case of each of them, when he who stirs them
up is met by a determined refusal, he will go away the weaker for it, and the adversary who has
been beaten will on the next occasion attack his victim with less vigour. But this malady when it
has attacked the mind by means of carnal pride, and has been repulsed by the shield of reply, again,
like some wickedness that takes many shapes, changes its former guise and character, and under
the appearance of the virtues tries to strike down and destroy its conqueror.
CHAPTER III.
How many forms and shapes vainglory takes.
FOR our other faults and passions may be said to be simpler and of but one form: but this takes
many forms and shapes, and changes about and assails the man who stands up against it from every
quarter, and assaults its conqueror on all sides. For it tries to injure the soldier of Christ in his dress,
in his manner, his walk, his voice, his work, his vigils, his fasts, his prayers, when he withdraws,
when he reads, in his knowledge, his silence, his obedience, his humility, his patience; and like
some most dangerous rock hidden by surging waves, it causes an unforeseen and miserable shipwreck
to those who are sailing with a fair breeze, while they are not on the lookout for it or guarding
against it.
CHAPTER IV.
How vainglory attacks a monk on the right had and on the left.
AND so one who wishes to go along the King's highway by means of the arms of righteousness
which are on the right hand and on the left, ought by the teaching of the Apostle to pass through
Òhonour and dishonour, evil report and good report,1004 and with such care to direct his virtuous
course amid the swelling waves of temptation, with discretion at the helm, and the Spirit of the
Lord breathing on us, since we know that if we deviate ever so little to the right hand or to the left,
we shall presently be dashed against most dangerous crags. And so we are warned by Solomon,
the wisest of men: Turn not aside to the right hand or to the left;1005 i.e., do not flatter yourself
on your virtues and be puffed up by your spiritual achievements on the right hand; nor, swerving
to the path of vices on the left hand, seek from them for yourself (to use the words of the Apostle)
Òglory in your shame.1006 For where the devil cannot create vainglory in a man by means of his
well-fitting and neat dress, he tries to introduce it by means of a dirty, cheap, and uncared-for style.
If he cannot drag a man down by honour, he overthrows him by humility. If he cannot make him
puffed up by the grace of knowledge and eloquence, he pulls him down by the weight of silence.
If a man fasts openly, he is attacked by the pride of vanity. If he conceals it for the sake of despising
the glory of it, he is assailed by the same sin of pride. In order that he may not be defiled by the
stains of vainglory he avoids making long prayers in the sight of the brethren; and yet because he
offers them secretly and has no one who is conscious of it, he does not escape the pride of vanity.
CHAPTER V.
A comparison which shows the nature of vainglory.
OUR elders admirably describe the nature of this malady as like that of an onion, and of those
bulbs which when stripped of one covering you find to be sheathed in another; and as often as you
strip them, you find them still protected.
CHAPTER VI.
That vainglory is not altogether got rid of by the advantages of solitude.
IN solitude also it does not cease from pursuing him who has for the sake of glory fled from
intercourse with all men. And the more thoroughly a man has shunned the whole world, so much
the more keenly does it pursue him. It tries to lift up with pride one man because of his great
endurance of work and labour, another because of his extreme readiness to obey, another because
he outstrips other men in humility. One man is tempted through the extent of his knowledge, another
through the extent of his reading, another through the length of his vigils. Nor does this malady
endeavour to wound a man except through his virtues; introducing hindrances which lead to death
by means of those very things through which the supplies of life are sought. For when men are
anxious to walk in the path of holiness and perfection, the enemies do not lay their snares to deceive
them anywhere except in the way along which they walk, in accordance with that saying of the
blessed David: In the way wherein I walked have they laid a snare for me; that in this very
way of virtue along which we are walking, when pressing on to the prize of our high calling,
we may be elated by our successes, and so sink down, and fall with the feet of our soul entangled
and caught in the snares of vainglory. And so it results that those of us who could not be vanquished
in the conflict with the foe are overcome by the very greatness of our triumph, or else (which is
another kind of deception) that, overstraining the limits of that self-restraint which is possible to
us, we fail of perseverance in our course on account of bodily weakness.
CHAPTER VII.
How vainglory, when it has been overcome, rises again keener than ever for the fight.
ALL vices when overcome grow feeble, and when beaten are day by day rendered weaker, and
both in regard to place and time grow less and subside, or at any rate, as they are unlike the opposite
virtues, are more easily shunned and avoided: but this one when it is beaten rises again keener than
ever for the struggle; and when we think that it is destroyed, it revives again, the stronger for its
death. The other kinds of vices usually only attack those whom they have overcome in the conflict;
but this one pursues its victors only the more keenly; and the more thoroughly it has been resisted,
so much the more vigorously does it attack the man who is elated by his victory over it. And herein
lies the crafty cunning of our adversary, namely, in the fact that, where he cannot overcome the
soldier of Christ by the weapons of the foe, he lays him low by his own spear.
CHAPTER VIII.
How vainglory is not allayed either in the desert or through advancing years.
OTHER vices, as we said, are sometimes allayed by the advantages of position, and when the
matter of the sin and the occasion and opportunity for it are removed, grow slack, and are diminished:
but this one penetrates the deserts with the man who is flying from it, nor can it be shut out from
any place, nor when outward material for it is removed does it fail. For it is simply encouraged by
the achievements of the virtues of the man whom it attacks. For all other vices, as we said above,
are sometimes diminished by the lapse of time, and disappear: to this one length of life, unless it
is supported by skilful diligence and prudent discretion, is no hindrance, but actually supplies it
with new fuel for vanity.
CHAPTER IX.
That vainglory is the more dangerous through being mixed up with virtues.
LASTLY, other passions which are entirely different from the virtues which are their opposites,
and which attack us openly and as it were in broad daylight, are more easily overcome and guarded
against: but this being interwoven with our virtues and entangled in the battle, fighting as it were
under cover of the darkness of night, deceives the more dangerously those who are off their guard
and not on the lookout.
CHAPTER X.
An instance showing how King Hezekiah was overthrown by the dart of vainglory.
FOR so we read that Hezekiah, King of Judah, a man of most perfect righteousness in all things,
and one approved by the witness of Holy Scripture, after unnumbered commendations for his
virtues, was overthrown by a single dart of vainglory. And he who by a single prayer of his was
able to procure the death of a hundred and eighty-five thousand of the army of the Assyrians, whom
the angel destroyed in one night, is overcome by boasting and vanity. Of whomÑto pass over the
long list of his virtues, which it would take a long time to unfold will say but this one thing. He
was a man who, after the close of his life had been decreed and the day of his death determined by
the Lord's sentence, prevailed by a single prayer to extend the limits set to his life by fifteen years,
the sun returning by ten steps, on which it had already shone in its course towards its setting, and
by its return dispersing those lines which the shadow that followed its course had already marked,
and by this giving two days in one to the whole world, by a stupendous miracle contrary to the
fixed laws of nature. Yet after signs so great and so incredible, after such immense proofs of his
goodness, hear the Scripture tell how he was destroyed by his very successes. In those days, we
are told, Hezekiah was sick unto death: and he prayed to the Lord, and He heard him and gave
him a sign, that, namely of which we read in the fourth book of the kingdoms, which was given
by Isaiah the prophet through the going back of the sun. But, it says, he did not render again
according to the benefits which he had received, for his heart was lifted up; and wrath was kindled
against him and against Judah and Jerusalem: and he humbled himself afterwards because his heart
had been lifted up, both he and the inhabitants of Jerusalem, and therefore the wrath of the Lord
came not upon them in the days of Hezekiah. How dangerous, how terrible is the malady of
vanity! So much goodness, so many virtues, faith and devotion, great enough to prevail to change
nature itself and the laws of the whole world, perish by a single act of pride! So that all his good
deeds would have been forgotten as if they had never been, and he would at once have been subject
to the wrath of the Lord unless he had appeased Him by recovering his humility: so that he who,
at the suggestion of pride, had fallen from so great a height of excellence, could only mount again
to the height he had lost by the same steps of humility. Do you want to see another instance of a
similar downfall?
CHAPTER XI.
The instance of King Uzziah who was overcome by the taint of the same malady.
OF Uzziah, the ancestor of this king of whom we have been speaking, himself also praised in
all things by the witness of the Scripture, after great commendation for his virtue, after countless
triumphs which he achieved by the merit of his devotion and faith, learn how he was cast down by
the pride of vainglory. ÒAnd,Ó we are told, Òthe name of Uzziah went forth, for the Lord helped
him and had strengthened him. But when he was made strong, his heart was lifted up to his
destruction, and he neglected the Lord his God.Ó1011 You behold another instance of a most terrible
downfall, and see how two men so upright and excellent were undone by their very triumphs and
victories. Whence you see how dangerous the successes of prosperity generally are, so that those
who could not be injured by adversity are ruined, unless they are careful, by prosperity; and those
who in the conflict of battle have escaped the danger of death fall before their own trophies and
triumphs.
CHAPTER XII.
Several testimonies against vainglory.
AND so the Apostle warns us: Be not desirous of vainglory. And the Lord, rebuking the
Pharisees, says, How can ye believe, who receive glory from one another, and seek not the glory
which comes from God alone? Of these too the blessed David speaks with a threat: For God
hath scattered the bones of them that please men.
CHAPTER XIII.
Of the ways in which vainglory attacks a monk.
IN the case also of beginners and of those who have as yet made but little progress either in
powers of mind or in knowledge it usually puffs up their minds, either because of the quality of
their voice because they can sing well, or because their bodies are emaciated,1015 or because they
are of a good figure, or because they have rich and noble kinsfolk, or because they have despised
a military life and honours. Sometimes too it persuades a man that if he had remained in the world
he would easily have obtained honours and riches, which perhaps could not possibly have been
secured, and inflates him with a vain hope of uncertain things; and in the case of those things which
he never possessed, puffs him up with pride and vanity, as if he were one who had despised them.
CHAPTER XIV.
How it suggests that a man may seek to take holy orders.
BUT sometimes it creates a wish to take holy orders, and a desire for the priesthood or diaconate.
And it represents that if a man has even against his will received this office, he will fulfil it with
such sanctity and strictness that he will be able to set an example of saintliness even to other priests;
and that he will win over many people, not only by his manner of life, but also by his teaching and
preaching. It makes a man, even when alone and sitting in his cell, to go round in mind and
imagination to the dwellings and monasteries of others, and to make many conversions under the
inducements of imaginary exultation.
1012 Gal. v. 26.
1013 S. John v. 44.
1014 Ps. lii. (liii.) 6.
1015 viz., by fasting.
CHAPTER XV.
How vainglory intoxicates the mind.
AND so the miserable soul is affected by such vanity as if it were deluded by a profound
slumber that it is often led away by the pleasure of such thoughts, and filled with such imaginations,
so that it cannot even look at things present, or the brethren, while it enjoys dwelling upon these
things, of which with its wandering thoughts it has waking dreams, as if they were true.
CHAPTER XVI.
Of him whom the superior came upon and found in his cell, deluded by idle vainglory.
I REMEMBER an elder, when I was staying in the desert of Scete, who went to the cell of a certain
brother to pay him a visit, and when he had reached the door heard him muttering inside, and stood
still for a little while, wanting to know what it was that he was reading from the Bible or repeating
by heart (as is customary) while he was at work. And when this most excellent eavesdropper
diligently applied his ear and listened with some curiosity, he found that the man was induced by
an attack of this spirit to fancy that he was delivering a stirring sermon to the people. And when
the elder, as he stood still, heard him finish his discourse and return again to his office, and give
out the dismissal of the catechumens, as the deacon does,1016 then at last he knocked at the door,
and the man came out, and met the elder with the customary reverence, and brought him in and
(for his knowledge of what had been his thoughts made him uneasy) asked him when he had arrived,
for fear lest he might have taken some harm from standing too long at the door: and the old man
joking pleasantly replied, I only got here while you were giving out the dismissal of the
catechumens.
CHAPTER XVII.
How faults cannot be cured unless their roots and causes have been discovered.
I THOUGHT it well to insert these things in this little work of mine, that we might learn, not only
by reason, but also by examples, about the force of temptations and the order of the sins which hurt
an unfortunate soul, and so might be more careful in avoiding the snares and manifold deceits of
the enemy. For these things are indiscriminately brought forward by the Egyptian fathers, that by
telling them, as those who are still enduring them, they may disclose and lay bare the combats with
all the vices, which they actually do suffer, and those which the younger ones are sure to suffer; so
that, when they explain the illusions arising from all the passions, those who are but beginners and
fervent in spirit may know the secret of their struggles, and seeing them as in a glass, may learn
both the causes of the sins by which they are troubled, and the remedies for them, and instructed
beforehand concerning the approach of future struggles, may be taught how they ought to guard
against them, or to meet them and to fight with them. As clever physicians are accustomed not only
to heal already existing diseases, but also by a wise skill to seek to obviate future ones, and to
prevent them by their prescriptions and healing draughts, so these true physicians of the soul, by
means of spiritual conferences, like some celestial antidote, destroy beforehand those maladies of
the soul which would arise, and do not allow them to gain a footing in the minds of the juniors, as
they unfold to them the causes of the passions which threaten them, and the remedies which will
heal them.
CHAPTER XVIII.
How a monk ought to avoid women and bishops.
WHEREFORE this is an old maxim of the Fathers that is still current,Ñthough I cannot produce
it without shame on my own part, since I could not avoid my own sister, nor escape the hands of
the bishop, that a monk ought by all means to fly from women and bishops. For neither of
them will allow him who has once been joined in close intercourse any longer to care for the quiet
of his cell, or to continue with pure eyes in divine contemplation through his insight into holy
things.
CHAPTER XIX.
Remedies by which we can overcome vainglory.
AND so the athlete of Christ who desires to strive lawfully in this true and spiritual combat,
should strive by all means to overcome this changeable monster of many shapes, which, as it attacks
us on every side like some manifold wickedness, we can escape by such a remedy as this; viz.,
thinking on that saying of David: The Lord hath scattered the bones of those who please men.1017
To begin with we should not allow ourselves to do anything at the suggestion of vanity, and for
the sake of obtaining vainglory. Next, when we have begun a thing well, we should endeavour to
maintain it with just the same care, for fear lest afterwards the malady of vainglory should creep
in and make void all the fruits of our labours. And anything which is of very little use or value in
the common life of the brethren, we should avoid as leading to boasting; and whatever would render
us remarkable amongst the others, and for which credit would be gained among men, as if we were
the only people who could do it, this should be shunned by us. For by these signs the deadly taint
of vainglory will be shown to cling to us: which we shall most easily escape if we consider that we
shall not merely lose the fruits of those labours of ours which we have performed at the suggestion
of vainglory, but that we shall also be guilty of a great sin, and as impious persons undergo eternal
punishments, inasmuch as we have wronged God by doing for the favour of men what we ought
to have done for His sake, and are convicted by Him who knows all secrets of having preferred
men to God, and the praise of the world to the praise of the Lord.
