Just ended a 13 yr friendship...I feel lonely. Why is it so hard to meet people?

[Faith2545]

I went to school in Greece and then came to the US for college. It's been 13 years or so and I'm still in the US. I had very good friends in school - some of which I still keep contact with. However, upon moving to US, I never made those kinds of friendship 'bonds' with anyone. Except one person. She and I became friends after I moved here. Remained friends for 13 years, up until a few months ago. She was a very good friend to me, we talked on the phone every other day and saw each other a few times a month. It's just the past few years, we were changing - as friends, and moreso as people. She had/has/had a weight problem and was self-conscious about it. I , myself, have a slight neurological disorder and I was a bit self-conscious about my own issue. My issue is not that obvious, and most who've met me say that my personality makes it disappear. A nice compliment, indeed, for me.

So, between the two of us, we helped each other through our struggles. However, with her the last few years were becoming very hard on me. She did not want to go out. She was tired of not finding a man in her life, saying it would never happen to her, why bother praying etc. She was also becoming very stingy with her spending too - what do I mean....I often felt and told her that as two single ladies that we should make an effort to go out 2x a month and make ourselves more approachable. Mind you, we are two shy ladies in our mid thirties (who look younger), with no personal obligations, and with a good friendship going. She did not want to do that - as she put it, it would require spending money.

We are both Orth. Christians, and one thing that really binded our friendship was our faith. I think I may have been more religious than her, but I am not one to judge one's faithfullness. Reason I said that was because she would every now and then express doubt in things and I would try to help her pass that (and reaffirm my fain by doing so.) What led us to part ways was simply the fact that I just realized that she was becoming too negative for me. I would ask her again for an outing, but this time she would blow me off by simply NOT responding and lying that I've even asked in the first place. So that was the last straw - her lack of acknowledging me and lying that I even asked her in the first place.

Half a year has past since we spoke. Truth is, I do not have another close friend as her. I have 2 other friends who were friends, but dropped me immediately when they married. One even told me, jokingly, i have to meet someone so we can go out again. I found that a little insulting. So I just simply wave a hello to them in church whenever I see them, and that's it.

I just don';t understand my bad luck!! Should I even think this way? That it's bad luck? I understand the older we get, friendship are harder to find because we are not innocent kids anymore with limited mind...we become jealous, tempted, easily angered or insulted, or such as we get older. Or simply change. But how can we meet good people? i'm back in college now going for a second degree, and this one girl sat next to me in  class. We had to swap number for assigment purposes as we were told, and honestly, as much as I thought she seemed a nice person, she is so annoying to me. She texts me every other day, Hey, what;s up...I saw hi, how are you...and she doesnt respond!!! That's all she does!! I am too nice to not respond back, but I feel forced to avoid her texts now because they do not lead to anything.

I'm sorry for this rambling...am I just the one with the problem...why do I feel stuck here? How can I get past this?

[mabsoota]

it can be really hard to make friends sometimes.
it sounds crazy, but studying body language and how to socialise often helps.
so does allowing your friends to be less close, and accepting them just to be casual acquaintances.
friendships often change with time, and when we don't allow our friends to become more distant when they need to,
then it hurts everyone.

i expect other people can write more about this, but i have found that the more i don't mind when my friends don't live up to my expectations, then the more energy i have to work on my own character.
may God guide u and bring u all the people who will show u His love at all the different stages of your life.

[yeshuaisiam]

When somebody is being kind to you, find God's glory in them.  Sometimes you have to uncover it, and sometimes you can bring it out.

[Gayle]

Lord have mercy!

[LizaSymonenko]

Faith2545, this is the nature of friendships.  A friendship requires some self sacrifice....otherwise, it's doomed.  It won't always be the way you want it, nor will it be the way the other person wants it.

The best thing in a friendship is that sometimes neither party feels up to doing stuff, or even talking....and time passes, even weeks or months, and then contact happens again, and it's like no time has passed at all.  Friends need to realize the other person is not 100% dedicated to entertaining the other half.  They have their own lives and interests, as well as other friends.

We need to be independent and happy on our own.  Friends are merely the icing on the cake.  We can be happy with a cake, without the icing, if need be.

Do you attend church regularly?  Is there nobody there with whom you could strike up a friendship? 

[Cyrillic]

Is it hard for women to go out and meet someone? Really?

What I do when I want to make friends is just say hello, smile and talk about silly things and see where it goes.

[Rowan]

Ouch. Sorry.

I've found it hard to meet people when I'm doing it without basing it on personal interests. Maybe there's a meetup you can go to where you can discuss a hobby or skill and make new friends.

I can relate to loneliness, for sure. You can always PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[alanscott]

i expect other people can write more about this, but i have found that the more i don't mind when my friends don't live up to my expectations, then the more energy i have to work on my own character.
may God guide u and bring u all the people who will show u His love at all the different stages of your life.

No doubt. People and relationships change. Sometimes by accepting people and relationships for what they are, as opposed to my expectations of them, I am able to maintain such relationships in spite of the simple fact they are no longer what I had hoped they would be.

I try and remind myself that God often puts people and relationships in our lives and we do not always know why or for how long. Perhaps sometimes it is to give us a companion, helper, comforter etc. as well as us for them. Sometimes perhaps it is to strengthen our faith by testing our patience, kindness, selflessness, and understanding. IMHO ultimately He puts people in our lives to practice ‘loving each other as we love ourselves’ to build His kingdom. Whatever the specific case let God’s will be done in our lives with faith and acceptance.

I try and remain aware though that perhaps there are times the evil one puts people in our lives for all the wrong reasons. Some folks are better loved and admired from a far!

Maybe there are other times in our lives when we go through a 'friendship drought' if you will, as God's way of strengthening our Independence from this world. As Liza mentioned this is important for each of us. Our true satisfaction should not come from others but from our Lord God. Solitude should not mean being alone, it means being alone with God.

I am not suggesting these things necessarily apply to you or your situation Faith2545. I do believe that generally speaking when one door closes in our lives God opens another. Perhaps while you have time considering a lack of close friendships that time could be used taking some type of hobby class, lesson seminar, or service work that indeed could reveal the next close friendship God has in store for ya?

Peace & Grace!! 

[WPM]

I don't know ... Just the way it is.

[Adela]

It's ok to move on and try new things and get to know new people.  You still care about your friend and aren't turning your back on her, you can still hang out and talk sometimes.  But, it's ok to fill your life in other ways without trying to change her just so you can keep her as your closest friend.

As far as making new friends, that may take time.  Friendships happen, you can't force them.  Some people just want casual friends and aren't looking to be very enmeshed with another person.  Just go out and try to volunteer or take fun classes and fill your life up with positive experiences and sooner or later more friends will appear.

I wouldn't dwell on the fact that some people failed the audition to be your new friend.  That happens.  I had hoped to be friends with the lady across the street, but found out she was a little pushy and didn't seem to like being told "No".  Such as when I took my puppy over to visit and she wanted to give the puppy a drink of water from the lid from some garden anti-weed chemical container.  I told her no and she still went to rinse and fill it with water.  So, I had to really say no. This seemed to happen quite bit, she would be pushy and I would set some boundaries.  After a few rounds of this, I can tell I failed the friend audition for her.     What I am trying to say, different people want different things from friends, so it just takes time to find the right fit. 

[Hiwot]

Faith,

you have said your best friend has issues that she is self conscious about and especially because of its visibility makes it more difficult to deal with than yours.

you have said added to her above issue your best friend has become tired about not finding a man in her life.

you have said she especially is tired of the outing you guys are doing to meet men because she is becoming discouraged and losing hope.

you have said or implied that she no longer wanting to go out looking to meet men, started to say no to you and that included being a bit extra creative to make her decline seem not about her emotional state but about money and other issues.

she suddenly have become stingy over the money you guys are spending on your outing which will give her the excuse to not go out.


you on the other hand have no reservation about going out, you are not tired of the outings, you want to continue to go out, so her decision not to go out and all the excuses she chose to use to decline your offer has made you leave her?

can you see the pain she is in ? can you not understand that it is her life and her decision not to go out or look for a man etc. and that she can still be your friend even if she does not go out with you to those places? can you not be more sensitive to her need for a bit of understanding allow her to feel what she feels without losing her friend also? can you not talk to her about other things besides going out and meeting people as important as it is? can you not respect her decision and even if you disagree with her attitude is terminating your friendship the right action?

forgive me faith if I sounded harsh, what the others have given you is all good advise. I just want you to think about the other side in this case the other person who is hurting also.

[Faith2545]

Faith,

you have said your best friend has issues that she is self conscious about and especially because of its visibility makes it more difficult to deal with than yours.

you have said added to her above issue your best friend has become tired about not finding a man in her life.

you have said she especially is tired of the outing you guys are doing to meet men because she is becoming discouraged and losing hope.

you have said or implied that she no longer wanting to go out looking to meet men, started to say no to you and that included being a bit extra creative to make her decline seem not about her emotional state but about money and other issues.

she suddenly have become stingy over the money you guys are spending on your outing which will give her the excuse to not go out.


you on the other hand have no reservation about going out, you are not tired of the outings, you want to continue to go out, so her decision not to go out and all the excuses she chose to use to decline your offer has made you leave her?

can you see the pain she is in ? can you not understand that it is her life and her decision not to go out or look for a man etc. and that she can still be your friend even if she does not go out with you to those places? can you not be more sensitive to her need for a bit of understanding allow her to feel what she feels without losing her friend also? can you not talk to her about other things besides going out and meeting people as important as it is? can you not respect her decision and even if you disagree with her attitude is terminating your friendship the right action?

forgive me faith if I sounded harsh, what the others have given you is all good advise. I just want you to think about the other side in this case the other person who is hurting also.

Thank you all for the advice. I wanted to answer you first, not because of the advice you gave, but because I thought to clarify my point a bit. I sometimes think that things are implied with the way they are said, however, that may not be the case in writing. I titled my post by stating the duration of my friendship - 13 years. Thirteen years - not days, weeks, or months. Thirteen years of my life, which to me seems like an eternity. It was the longest close friendship I had, whereas my other friends in Greece are half a world away and I don't see them for years at a time. So this friend was like a sister. Which means that I knew her well. I did not terminate this relationship based on personal/selfish reasons - meaning, because she DIDN't want to do things I WANTED to do, or where I WANTED to go, what I wanted to see etc. The outings I suggested were based on mutual things we both enjoyed or once enjoyed (ie theatre, lounging, concert, etc.) It wasn't as if I was forcing her to do these things - and mind you, I am not the rich person either. These outings were all within our budgets and very reasonable.

It took at least the last three years until I realized we weren't the same. Yes, I said three years. Not three days or months. When I started to see a change, I confronted her and said, are you okay? Why this? Why are you feeling this way? Talk to me, etc....every way I could to get things out on the table so we could deal with it.  What baffled me was how she started to always complain about a certain "situation" but not really willing to commit to changing it. I just got tired hanging at her house. It was as if she was becoming a recluse in ways that I could not explain. And with regards to me calling her stingy - what I mean is this: I noticed that lately, if I suggested 'coffee' it was almost assumed by her I would always pay. And because I felt that there were times I did pay for coffee only because I 'felt it' from my heart, I started to feel that she wasn't appreciative of that. And no, I was not being taken advantage of - it was my act of kindness. As soon as I realized it was not appreciated, I stopped, and thats when I started to notice the difference. Whatever, then, was coming out of her pocket, it was as if it was killing her and then it began, no to this, i don't want to go there, why can't we not do that etc....

When you’re friends, there is a mutual feeling that is shared or given and taken. It wasn’t shared anymore.
I guess it happens, as most of you pointed out. I go to church weekly/bi-weekly if I missed one week. All the parishioners are pretty old, or married, or very young school children.  I would change churches but I love mine and the people I see. I just pray to Christ that he guides me to where I need to go. 

[Faith2545]

Is it hard for women to go out and meet someone? Really?

What I do when I want to make friends is just say hello, smile and talk about silly things and see where it goes.

What did you mean here, i didn't understand...

[Faith2545]

Maybe there are other times in our lives when we go through a 'friendship drought' if you will, as God's way of strengthening our Independence from this world. As Liza mentioned this is important for each of us. Our true satisfaction should not come from others but from our Lord God. Solitude should not mean being alone, it means being alone with God.

I am not suggesting these things necessarily apply to you or your situation Faith2545. I do believe that generally speaking when one door closes in our lives God opens another. Perhaps while you have time considering a lack of close friendships that time could be used taking some type of hobby class, lesson seminar, or service work that indeed could reveal the next close friendship God has in store for ya?

Peace & Grace!! 

[/quote]

Thank you for your advice. I guess when God closes one door, He opens another. But we must be proactive in finding that opened door...this is what's so difficult for me...

[alanscott]

Maybe there are other times in our lives when we go through a 'friendship drought' if you will, as God's way of strengthening our Independence from this world. As Liza mentioned this is important for each of us. Our true satisfaction should not come from others but from our Lord God. Solitude should not mean being alone, it means being alone with God.

I am not suggesting these things necessarily apply to you or your situation Faith2545. I do believe that generally speaking when one door closes in our lives God opens another. Perhaps while you have time considering a lack of close friendships that time could be used taking some type of hobby class, lesson seminar, or service work that indeed could reveal the next close friendship God has in store for ya?

Peace & Grace!! 

Thank you for your advice. I guess when God closes one door, He opens another. But we must be proactive in finding that opened door...this is what's so difficult for me...
[/quote]

Indeed, I certainly agree with ya. Or as was pointed out to me once: 'Sometimes its just a window. Sometimes a very small window on the second or third floor we have to climb up and crawl through.' 

Peace & Grace!

[Hiwot]

Faith,

you have said your best friend has issues that she is self conscious about and especially because of its visibility makes it more difficult to deal with than yours.

you have said added to her above issue your best friend has become tired about not finding a man in her life.

you have said she especially is tired of the outing you guys are doing to meet men because she is becoming discouraged and losing hope.

you have said or implied that she no longer wanting to go out looking to meet men, started to say no to you and that included being a bit extra creative to make her decline seem not about her emotional state but about money and other issues.

she suddenly have become stingy over the money you guys are spending on your outing which will give her the excuse to not go out.


you on the other hand have no reservation about going out, you are not tired of the outings, you want to continue to go out, so her decision not to go out and all the excuses she chose to use to decline your offer has made you leave her?

can you see the pain she is in ? can you not understand that it is her life and her decision not to go out or look for a man etc. and that she can still be your friend even if she does not go out with you to those places? can you not be more sensitive to her need for a bit of understanding allow her to feel what she feels without losing her friend also? can you not talk to her about other things besides going out and meeting people as important as it is? can you not respect her decision and even if you disagree with her attitude is terminating your friendship the right action?

forgive me faith if I sounded harsh, what the others have given you is all good advise. I just want you to think about the other side in this case the other person who is hurting also.

Thank you all for the advice. I wanted to answer you first, not because of the advice you gave, but because I thought to clarify my point a bit. I sometimes think that things are implied with the way they are said, however, that may not be the case in writing. I titled my post by stating the duration of my friendship - 13 years. Thirteen years - not days, weeks, or months. Thirteen years of my life, which to me seems like an eternity. It was the longest close friendship I had, whereas my other friends in Greece are half a world away and I don't see them for years at a time. So this friend was like a sister. Which means that I knew her well. I did not terminate this relationship based on personal/selfish reasons - meaning, because she DIDN't want to do things I WANTED to do, or where I WANTED to go, what I wanted to see etc. The outings I suggested were based on mutual things we both enjoyed or once enjoyed (ie theatre, lounging, concert, etc.) It wasn't as if I was forcing her to do these things - and mind you, I am not the rich person either. These outings were all within our budgets and very reasonable.

It took at least the last three years until I realized we weren't the same. Yes, I said three years. Not three days or months. When I started to see a change, I confronted her and said, are you okay? Why this? Why are you feeling this way? Talk to me, etc....every way I could to get things out on the table so we could deal with it.  What baffled me was how she started to always complain about a certain "situation" but not really willing to commit to changing it. I just got tired hanging at her house. It was as if she was becoming a recluse in ways that I could not explain. And with regards to me calling her stingy - what I mean is this: I noticed that lately, if I suggested 'coffee' it was almost assumed by her I would always pay. And because I felt that there were times I did pay for coffee only because I 'felt it' from my heart, I started to feel that she wasn't appreciative of that. And no, I was not being taken advantage of - it was my act of kindness. As soon as I realized it was not appreciated, I stopped, and thats when I started to notice the difference. Whatever, then, was coming out of her pocket, it was as if it was killing her and then it began, no to this, i don't want to go there, why can't we not do that etc....

When you’re friends, there is a mutual feeling that is shared or given and taken. It wasn’t shared anymore.
I guess it happens, as most of you pointed out. I go to church weekly/bi-weekly if I missed one week. All the parishioners are pretty old, or married, or very young school children.  I would change churches but I love mine and the people I see. I just pray to Christ that he guides me to where I need to go. 

Faith,

thank you for the reply,

let me paraphrase what I was trying to say dear. Have you considered that your friend of 13 years is going through an emotional crisis? perhaps even is depressed as a result of not finding a loving relationship she was anticipating in her life in a time frame she expected to find it? may be she is not depressed or going through an emotional crisis, but suppose she is depressed and /or trying to figure out a new path for her life that does not include all her previous plans and dreams for her self. suppose she is unable to handle the psychological stress that comes along with major life changes. I realize you are under a certain level of stress yourself but it appears like you are more resilient. in any case suppose she is going through difficult time and is not polite or considerate like she used to be, I am only saying this in consideration of the length of the time of the friendship and its true you might not be able to help her overcome her problems, however I truly hope you might be able to be there for her while she struggles with them.

forgive me for being so presumptuous. if what I have said has no bearing on reality as you know it, then please disregard the comments. as to the rest, I wish you all the best.

[Faith2545]

Faith,

thank you for the reply,

let me paraphrase what I was trying to say dear. Have you considered that your friend of 13 years is going through an emotional crisis? perhaps even is depressed as a result of not finding a loving relationship she was anticipating in her life in a time frame she expected to find it? may be she is not depressed or going through an emotional crisis, but suppose she is depressed and /or trying to figure out a new path for her life that does not include all her previous plans and dreams for her self. suppose she is unable to handle the psychological stress that comes along with major life changes. I realize you are under a certain level of stress yourself but it appears like you are more resilient. in any case suppose she is going through difficult time and is not polite or considerate like she used to be, I am only saying this in consideration of the length of the time of the friendship and its true you might not be able to help her overcome her problems, however I truly hope you might be able to be there for her while she struggles with them.

forgive me for being so presumptuous. if what I have said has no bearing on reality as you know it, then please disregard the comments. as to the rest, I wish you all the best.
[/quote]

Thank you once again for the clarification. The thing that I was trying to say is that we both were at the point of our lives where we felt that our hopes and dreams should have been started. We were both 'emotionally destressed' about lacking a special person in our lives. And that I was trying to be there to help her deal with what stress or situation that was bringing us both down. We were both in that position. But where I felt I was trying to be proactive for the both of us, on the other hand, she was not trying. Her negativity was starting to bother me.

In any case, maybe we both need this time apart. If time can heal things then I'll welcome that.

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