I am about to whine, quite intolerably I'm sure, but if anyone has anything helpful/constructive to say in response to my forth-coming massive whinge-fest, I'd be most appreciative.
I am often of late considering just throwing in the towel when it comes to my Christianity, giving up on trying to be Christian. I feel like I am getting no where and failing miserably at living up to any even basic Christian requirements. And because of this, there is usually a feeling of guilt sitting in the back, and often front, of my head.
I've been trying to find a way to appropriately prioritize my life, and am not succeeding (including usually avoiding looking at this forum to increase my time).
For instance, I am not attending Church much, and don't often read the Bible or pray beyond saying Grace at dinner and a quick prayer with my little boys before getting them to bed. When I do go to Church I spend most of the time keeping track of my kids rather than praying and the like (which is part of raising Christian children, I know).
I rarely fast - I do try but find that most fasting food that my family would even consider eating takes significant amounts of time to make or is quite costly (the largely pre-made expensive stuff from specialty grocers, which anyway contains too much tofu to eat with each meal for my comfort level because of estrogen mimicking issues). Making two separate meals for my family and then for me seems to be too much, not to mention my preschooler and toddler can't eat only fasting foods for extensive periods of time. I find regular cooking and clean up overwhelming as it is.
I don't much make my family a priority, unless you count the fact that I work a lot in order to financially support my kids. This morning was the kicker: my husband was beyond angry with me because he ended up having to work until 2am last night (he started at 8:30am the day before - this is not, fortunately a regular thing, except when he has to travel for work). When he got home at 3am, there wasn't a dinner waiting for him in the fridge. The thing was that a) I assumed that if he was staying that late, or just sleeping at his work, which was a likelihood, he would go and get himself something to eat for dinner or at least call in for pizza, rather than going from 1pm (after lunch) until 3am without food. He says he didn't have time to get food and I should have asked him if he wanted food when he last called me at 9:45pm to stay he might not come home at all. And I suppose I should have. But I was caught up with doing laundry and working (because I had to leave work early that day to pick up the kids from their respective daycares - it was a two-hour round trip, whereas if he got off work at a normal time, I might only have to pick up one child and not leave so early). So I didn't think about it. And there weren't leftovers from our dinner because, in an attempt to fast, we just had peanut butter sandwiches and carrots.
My marriage does largely get ignored (frankly, by both of us - I don't really care about having any attention from him, I'm too tired - both from life duties and some health issues and being busy, but I know that is not healthy).
I live in fear that I will be fired from work (because most everyone I work with is completely devoted to their job), so almost every spare minute of my life is devoted to doing that, or cooking or cleaning, or now my Masters Degree (I am only doing one course per term for that, and I need to, because the only way I can keep my new position, which I am happy with and less negatively stressed with, is to be doing a Masters). I do try to spend some time with my kids, and do also need to spend time to ensure that they (well, at least the 4.5 year old) gets to participate in some sports activities (we don't have a yard so...). So here is the sin of not trusting in God, and I cannot seem to get away from this. By the way, I do absolutely have to work - we own little (we live in a housing co-op to save money, that is we don't own), spend little (I buy most of my clothes from thrift stores) and rarely go out (and never go on vacations - although my husband is saving to go visit my mother-in-law overseas with our older child, but otherwise...). It's just an expensive place to live (and no, we cannot move elsewhere as then job opportunities for both of us would largely disappear). We make a decent living, but it just seems to be the situation many people are in.
I also know that my parents would completely disrespect me for not working and be completely embarrassed by me (so the sin of pride is also something I can't shake). As it is they have a problem with the fact that I am only on a 70% contract right now (which is about 40 hours per week of work - in another two years I am required by my boss to go back to work full-time).
As a Christian I am to serve others - that just isn't happening. Well, yes, I do help people out at work, but then that's my job.
There are a myriad of other ways I am failing at Christianity. I've tried a variety of time-management ideas and ways to free up more time in my life, but I simply cannot squeeze anything in. The only thing I've really managed is to go from 5 hours of sleep a night last year to closer to 6.5 hours, and to get into a position at work with which I am far happier.
I do realize that my life is utterly charmed next to the vast majority of Christians in the history of Christianity. Somehow they made it work. I seem incapable of this.
Well, thank you for the opportunity to vent, and I apologize for foisting this upon you all. Perhaps I will be feeling less sorry for myself tomorrow...sigh!