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Author Topic: On A Lighter Note  (Read 6992 times) Average Rating: 0
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ania
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« Reply #45 on: February 05, 2004, 04:56:18 PM »

I know I posted this over at the Cafe a long time ago.  A friend of mine who's a matushka sent this to me quite a while ago, & I found it while going through old e-mail.  Enjoy...

You might be married to an Orthodox priest if:

1) You routinely answer to names that Americans cannot pronounce.

2) Your best black dress has wax on it.

3) You have at least two head coverings stashed in your car, just in
case.

4) The parking lot guy at the local hospital knows you.

5) You own an emergency outfit (mine is a lovely kaftan) to put on over grubbies when someone stops by unexpectedly, because, people stop by unexpectedly.

6) Even with caller ID, you never, ever know what's going to happen when you pick up the phone. So you make your cross on the way to answer it.

7) At the end of a piano concert, when the pianist bows to the audience, you piously cross your arms and bow back.

Cool You can say "Christ is risen!" in at least three languages which you do not speak.

9) Your hands are red from dye for some portion of Holy Week.

10) The closet your husband uses smells faintly of incense.

11) At a monastery, your small children become confused because from their vantage, everyone looks like Daddy.

12) Your spouse has at least once been compared to Z.Z. Top.

13) People have tried to arrange marriages between your children and theirs.

14) Your son has at least once had too much communion wine.

15) Your daughter begs to take the day off of school for funerals, and knows how to arrange flowers around icons so they don't fall.

16) When you fold clothes, your toddler censes the house with an undergarment.

17) Your children have tried to bless the house with a toilet brush.

18) Your child could sing "Alleluia" before he could sing the alphabet.

19) And he blesses the livingroom with videotapes. And bows.

20) Before leaving for school or going to bed, the kids sometimes forget and come to YOU with their hands cupped for a blessing.

21) That towel your son has is sometimes Superman's cape. But sometimes it's a phelonion.

22) For weeks after seeing the bishop, your son blesses people with two hands.

23) When people talk about televions shows that are on Saturday night or Sunday morning, you stare at them blankly.

24) In order to have Mother's Day breakfast in bed, you have to get back in there after church and after trapeza.

25) Your husband knows the date of the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox for the next five years, but forgets exactly which day you got married.

26) Your kids do not buy aftershave for their dad for Father's Day. Nor do they buy a tie.

27) When there is a day with no church and no work or school, everyone is a little puzzled. But it means that there IS a parade.

28) Driving alone together to a distant hospital with your husband is a date.

29) Friends know what you take in your coffee, but good friends know what you take in your coffee on fast days and what you take in your coffee on non-fast days.

30) You have more than five tofu recipes. Even if you hate tofu.

31) Even if at first you didn't like being called by just your title, after a while "Matushka" or "Khoria" or "Presbytera" acquires all the penache of "Cher". Or so you hope.

32) You just pray that it doesn't have all the connotations of "Roseanne."

33) Spell checking your e-mail to parishioners is cause for myrth. (Today they wanted to change Popov to Poop.)

34) Even if he practiced it on you all week, your husband's sermons always surprise you a little on Sunday. God sends him things.

35) As you stand manning a plunger in the church basement on a major feast, it occurs to you that there's a REASON they don't give us a job description.

36) For your husband you buy only black socks and mostly black pants.

37) Parishioners who see his pajamas on the clothesline are momentarily perplexed.

38) You may not have ever seen your husband's bare chin.

39) Your heart twists into knots when the child who was trying to kill his brother an hour ago is now, at church, listening patiently to an old lady discussing her pets and plants. He asks polite questions that show that he's been listening, and may even offer suggestions.

40) You have prayed for the "person that Father says needs prayers but he can't tell me about."

41) When your son answers the phone, before his voice changes, people say, "Matushka?"

42) After his voice changes, they say, "Batiushka?"

43) You have experienced the holy hush that comes over an empty church as the subbeams show the lingering puffs of incense after everyone has gone downstairs for lunch.

44) Your children know the silent signals you flash for "stand up straight," "make your cross," "Tuck in your shirt," and "turn around -- NOW."

45) Your child has read a Little Golden Book like it's an epistle.

46) On the rare Sunday that you're not in church, everything seems.... off.

47) Sometimes you really, really want to defenestrate a Reader.

48) When you read "The Godfather," the only part that was familiar was the way that people tried to send messages to the Don through his wife.

49) Someone in the parish has considered buying you a "She Who Must Be Obeyed" coffee mug....

50) But he very prudently chickened out.
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Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
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« Reply #46 on: February 05, 2004, 05:20:32 PM »

Thanks for this one, Ania.  Absolutely HIRALIOUS!!!
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prodromos
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« Reply #47 on: February 06, 2004, 03:18:00 AM »

**Please note that this was told to me by an Australian heiromonk, & I meant no offence to the Aussies or the Irish.
The version told in Australia is that he wants to become Scottish and the punchline "Oh that's alright. To be sure, to be sure." is spoken with an Irish accent. Glad to hear us Aussies get the mickey taken out of us over there Grin.

John.
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ania
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« Reply #48 on: February 10, 2004, 12:41:09 PM »


This one has been around for ages, I saw it about 2 years ago, but a friend has just sent it too me again...

If Cars were made and run by Microsoft: (response to a comment made by Bill Gates that cars would be very efficient if he made them)
 
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
 
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
 
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.  For some reason you would simply accept this.
 
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
 
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
 
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
 
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
 
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
 
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
 
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
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« Reply #49 on: February 16, 2004, 06:11:18 PM »

ania: well and truly true!!  I've been suffering myself from Gates induced computer problems. Sad
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"Where I live in Manhattan and where I work at ABC, people say 'conservative' the way people say 'child molester.' Leftist thinking is just the culture that I live in and the culture the reporters who populate the mainstream media
ania
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« Reply #50 on: February 26, 2004, 03:05:59 PM »

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost so she lowers her altitude and spots a man in a boat below. She shouts to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air
balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican."

" I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

*please note that I, ania, am neither Democrat or Republican, I just found this funny.
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Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
ania
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« Reply #51 on: March 05, 2004, 11:36:41 AM »

I know the following is rather korney, but it gave me a boost after visiting a certain e-cafe that shall remain nameless.

ACTUAL CHURCH SIGNS

CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!

"No God - No Peace.
Know God - Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven.
Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays.
They are better than Baskin Robbins."

"Searching for a new look?
Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with
red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with
its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before
you know how strong they are."

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live,they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"
(U R)

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
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Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
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