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Author Topic: On A Lighter Note  (Read 7026 times) Average Rating: 0
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Br. Max, OFC
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« on: December 07, 2003, 06:29:03 PM »

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2003, 06:29:49 PM »

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card;
it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he
had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2003, 06:32:52 PM »

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to lay hands on his daughter. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're certainly not picking anything up.

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter, I will remove them.

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do This. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it, and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2003, 11:41:12 AM »

The Five Percent

One day God was looking down on earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes, it's bad on Earth. 95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe, I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view." So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him, "Yes, the Earth was in decline. 95% was bad and 5% was good." God said, "This is not good." He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help keep them going. Do you know what that E-mail said?

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« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2003, 11:44:48 AM »

He's a saint


There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to Keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membershhip grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an Evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
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« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2003, 11:53:12 AM »

Product Labels


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
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« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2003, 12:33:01 PM »

I'm impressed.  Some of the better, tasteful humour that I've read read recently.

I'm more used to the the tasteless variety. Grin
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« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2003, 12:35:09 PM »

I find things to be funnier when they are not dirty!
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« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2003, 08:20:07 PM »

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in
the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers
at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.
>
Therefore, according to every historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,
from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
>
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would
be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.
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« Reply #9 on: December 11, 2003, 11:28:47 PM »

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. How did a fool and his money get together?

4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

6. What's another word for thesaurus?

7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

22. Is it possible to be totally partial?

23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

25. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

26. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

27. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

28. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

29. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

30. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

31. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

32. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

33. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

34. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

35. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2003, 11:32:45 PM »

LATIN for the 21st centruy

"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy is here.)

"Auda similarum ad seattles."
(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

"Sharpei diem."
(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata
descendum pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your
pants.)

"Motorolus interruptus."
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Veni, vidi, Pesci."
(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)

"Revelare Pecunia!"
(Show Me The Money!)

"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat."
(Yeah, where DO I want to go today??)

"Sic semper tyrannus."
(Your dinosaur is ill.)

"No Quid Pro Quo."
(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)

"Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga."
(Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"
(The government just stabbed me in the back!)
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« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2003, 11:40:42 PM »

Christian bumper stickers

1. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

2. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

3. Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

4. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

5. Forbidden fruits create many jams.

6. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

7. God grades on the cross, not the curve.

8. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

9. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

10. He who angers you, controls you!

11. If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

12. Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

13. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

14. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

15. We don't change the message, the message changes us.

16. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

17. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

18. "Father, bless this person in whatever it is that You know he or she may be needing this day!" AMEN!!
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« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2003, 12:52:06 AM »

Quote
Christian bumper stickers

Honk 40 times if you are Orthodox
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« Reply #13 on: December 12, 2003, 01:02:04 AM »

Quote
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

9.1 Why isn't phonetic spelled like it sounds ?
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« Reply #14 on: December 12, 2003, 04:28:15 AM »

With aplogies for the length of this - but I did think these were worth sharing Cheesy

Four all who reed and right

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became
oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose
should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is
houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan
be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a
pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of
booth be called
beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would
never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we
never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine,
she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
Cool At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

example ... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going
through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a
pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that
smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?

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« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2003, 10:39:35 PM »

Microsoft gets church
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
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« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2003, 10:45:55 PM »

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

So Microsoft was behind Vatican II(.0)?  Tongue
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« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2003, 11:23:38 PM »

vicki: that’s no secret.  Gates is the anti-Christ, Barny the purple dinosaur is the beast, and Bert form sesame street is the false prophet.  I thought everyone knew this . . . . Huh
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« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2003, 02:23:11 PM »

As a rabid Roman Catholic, I won't support this projected merger and consolidation! Tongue

MICROSOFT's  financial planners just overvalued  MS' stock while undervaluing that of the RCC's, especially those held inside the Vatican.

In the US alone, Sunday contributions run into the millions (and this has been going on for centuries!).

How about the Church goodwill? Like the Pope's titles? Can you put value into "Vicar of Christ?"  How about "Pontifex Maximus?"  Gates must be kidding! He is bent on getting a bargain!

And we, Catholics, have not even touched on that invaluable gift of "papal infallibility!" Grin

For now, Bill should concentrtate on taking over the ECUSA, or some other minor player in religious world. Tongue

AmdG

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« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2003, 02:46:49 PM »

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.


Ha ha-- as a gentile working for an Orthodox Jew I'm getting 16 paid holidays next year!
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« Reply #20 on: December 24, 2003, 02:09:08 PM »

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE TEACHER JOKES!!


Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
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« Reply #21 on: December 30, 2003, 04:55:08 PM »

This is our collection of mangled English, as lovingly gleaned from the Internet over the past few years. We present it not because we're incapable of making equally side-splitting mistakes, but because sometimes the most innocent of remarks proves the funniest.

From the "Not only was it sorted, it was collated too" file:


Only after he realized we caught him red handed, he told me the entire sorted story of why he did what he did.
From the "Once the chickens have flown the coop" file:


I have my company attorney trying to get in touch with her to re-coop my foolish and negligent loss.
From the "Global affairs" file:


...and they have this world wind romance.
From the "He might not be much to look at, but at least he's honest" file:


Once I open the door to the room, she was in my arms, legs around my waste.
From the "Kinkos or K-Mart?" file:


Man.. I'm really starting to love this game! It's kinda like the girl next store.
From the "When one of those half-hearted gals just won't do" file:


But for all intensive purposes she has a good reputation and the gents who see her adore her.
From the "Las Vegas offers three-play, five-play, ten-play, fifty-play, and hundred-play video poker, but some people still aren't satisfied" file:


There was no four play so I was not feeling very turned on.
From the "Too much Wonder Woman will do that to you" file:


The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a heroine overdose.
From the "Fear of wild drumming" file:


What if someone in your household called this number? Will there be negative percussions?
From the "You mean there was vanity before the Material Girl hit the scene?" file:


She has a pre-Madonna complex.
From the "It's slippery and expensive" file:


I heard that if you played Stairway to Heaven backwords, it says something about Satin.
From the "Some parents just don't want to be eaten" file.


I remember haveing some fight with my mother and father one night along the lines of they are not being fare.
From the "And they want secretaries and file clerks too" file.


We are having to support and supply all their medical needs when they end up getting aides.
From the "But how do you feel about my haddock?" file.


Yes, YOU are a beautiful woman....both the outer person and the inner sole.
From the "No wonder his socks have holes in them" file.


I used to search my house high and low looking for secret passages. Not even a laundry shoot.
From the "Poultry in motion, but not in motion pictures" file.


I believe that all fowl language should be banned from all T.V. and Movies.

www.snopes.com
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« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2004, 09:49:12 PM »

Thoughts on Raising Kids.....


If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car. You get about the same results.

To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere -- and hide the keys to the car.

The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.

Parents are people who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willing: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

The people hardest to convince that it's time for retirement are children at bedtime.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

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« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2004, 11:55:50 AM »

wastington post alternate definitions of words . . . . .


01. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent- mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul  goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
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« Reply #24 on: January 15, 2004, 01:32:06 PM »

(We take you now to the Oval Office)

George:  Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?

Condi:  Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great.  Lay it on me.

Condi:  Hu is the new leader of China.

George:  That's what I want to know.

Condi:  That's what I'm telling you.

George:  That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?

Condi:  Yes.

George:  I mean the fellow's name.

Condi:  Hu.

George:  The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George:  The new leader of China.

Condi:  Hu.

George:  The Chinaman!

Condi:  Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddy' asking me for?

Condi:  I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George:  Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?

Condi:  That's the man's name.

George:  That's who's name?

Condi:  Yes.

George:  Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi:  Yes Sir.

George.  Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China?  I thought he was in the Middle East?

Condi:  That's correct.

George:  Then who is in China?

Condi:  Yes, sir.

George:  Yassir is in China?

Condi:  No, sir.

George:  Then who is?

Condi:  Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi:  No, sir.

George:  Look, Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U. N. on the phone.

Condi:  Kofi?

George:   No, thanks.

Condi:  You want Kofi?

George:  No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi?

George:  No, But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U. N.

Condi:  Yes, sir.

George:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Kofi?

George:  Milk!  Will you please make the call?

Condi:  And call who?

George:  Who is the guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Hu is the guy in China.

George:  Will you stay out of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George:  And stay out of the Middle East.  Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Kofi?

George:  All right! With cream and two sugars.  Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up phone.) Condi:  Rice, here.

George:  Rice?  Good idea...and a couple of egg rolls, too.  Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China.  And the Middle East.  Can you getChinese food in the Middle East?
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« Reply #25 on: January 18, 2004, 07:05:34 PM »

Subject: Heres' to you Vincent Timothy

>

> There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and

> >Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other

> >in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born

> >in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy.

> >

> >Faithfully they attended parochial school from

> >kindergarten through senior year in high school.

> >They took their vows to enter priesthood early

> >in college and, upon graduation, became priests.

> >

> >Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it

> >was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a

> >cut above Timothy in all respects.

> >

> >Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop

> >and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least,

> >and the Catholic world knew that when the present

> >Pope died, it would either be one of the two who

> >would become the next pope.

> >

> >In time the pope did die, and the College of

> Cardinals

> >went to work. In less time than anyone had

> expected,

> >smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to

> >see whom they had chosen.

> >

> >The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were

> >surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been

> >elected pope!

> >

> >Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was

> devastated,

> >because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola

> knew

> >he was the better qualified.

> >

> >With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked

> >For a private session with them in which he

> candidly

> >asked, "Why Timothy?"

> >

> >After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on

> >the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you

> >were the better of the two, but we just could not

> >bear the thought of the leader of the Roman

> Catholic

> >Church being called "Pope Secola."
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« Reply #26 on: January 18, 2004, 08:04:27 PM »

Etiquette Tips for Red Necks
 
 


PERSONAL HYGIENE
      1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
      2. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
       
      ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
      1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
      2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
       
      THEATER ETIQUETTE
      1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
      2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
       
      WEDDINGS
      1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
      2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
      3. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
      4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
       
      DRIVING ETIQUETTE
      1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
      2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
      3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
      4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a coffee.
      5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
       
      TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
      1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
      2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
      3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
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« Reply #27 on: January 20, 2004, 12:16:48 PM »

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Maine plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Bidderford Maine sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Portland Maine drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
Ends swimming season in Maine.

20 above zero:
Floridians put on coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Maine throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
NC landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Kennebunk Maine have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
People in Maine close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Maine get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Maine are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington, DC runs out of hot air.
People in Maine let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Maine people get frustrated because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
Maine public schools may close.

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
People in Maine start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya"


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« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2004, 07:54:38 PM »

The Irish Drinker

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2004, 07:56:01 PM »

Beer Groaners

 A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."  

 Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."  

 Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
 
 A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."  

 A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."  

 A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"  

 This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"  

 This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."  

 A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."  

 A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.  

 Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.  

 Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."  
« Last Edit: January 20, 2004, 07:57:33 PM by Br. Max, OFC » Logged

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« Reply #30 on: January 23, 2004, 12:18:43 PM »

The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. Travel Agent of 30+ years:
 
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
 
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... (click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
 
 An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but he could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The  agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

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« Reply #31 on: January 23, 2004, 01:10:10 PM »

Quote
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... (click).

How much do you want to bet that it was a Dean staffer. . . . .
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« Reply #32 on: January 23, 2004, 01:11:50 PM »

actually. come to think of it, I've heard these all before WITHOUT the politics added . . . .
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« Reply #33 on: January 23, 2004, 02:37:45 PM »

one word Max

SPOILSPORT
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"Never let anyone try to tell you that, in order to be Orthodox, you must also be eastern. The West was fully Orthodox for a thousand years; and her venerable liturgy is far older than any of her heresies."
- St. John Maximovitch
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« Reply #34 on: January 23, 2004, 05:48:16 PM »

Ok...  just noticed I've been posting politically aimed jokes... so here's one that's not.

Interesting Facts
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

 * * * * * *
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
 
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.   Hence, the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
 * * * * * *
 Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.  By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.   Hence the saying,  "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
 * * * * * *
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. I t was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.   When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying:  "It's raining cats and dogs."
 * * * * * *
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
 * * * * * *
 The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
 Hence the saying: "dirt poor."
 * * * * * *
 The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the term:  "thresh hold."
 * * * * * *
 In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:  "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
 * * * * * *
 Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
 special.   When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.    It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon."  They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
 * * * * * *
 Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
 * * * * * *
 Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust,"
 * * * * * *
 Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.   Hence the custom of holding a "wake,"
 * * * * * *
 England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the  bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.   So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer,"

Now, whoever said that History was boring !!!!!
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« Reply #35 on: January 23, 2004, 08:09:13 PM »

1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.-- George Bernard Shaw

4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

10. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

11.  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke

12. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.  If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. -- Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

13.  In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

14.  Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

15.  No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

16.  Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. -- (Unknown)

17. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

18.  The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.   The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

19.  The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

20.  The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
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« Reply #36 on: January 28, 2004, 12:27:55 PM »

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . .not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

Cool You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair hat you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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« Reply #37 on: January 30, 2004, 09:04:29 PM »

When Did We Become Totally Stupid?Huh?

In Honor of Stupid People------

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.  (Damn, and that's
the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

n a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought?Huh...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening
somewhere?)
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« Reply #38 on: February 04, 2004, 05:47:16 PM »

What NEVER to say to a cop.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.              (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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« Reply #39 on: February 04, 2004, 08:39:13 PM »

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"



ANIA!! Angry  I just choked on a dorito luaghing at this!! Good thing it was food and not drink in my mouth!
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« Reply #40 on: February 04, 2004, 08:39:26 PM »

too funny!! Grin
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« Reply #41 on: February 04, 2004, 08:42:35 PM »

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

------------------------------------------------

In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.

------------------------------------------------

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one, and spills the milk in the sewage system.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

------------------------------------------------

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a conservative Democrat, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and a slab of formica?
A: Absolutely nothing.


------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

------------------------------------------------------



Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.

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« Reply #42 on: February 05, 2004, 04:24:12 AM »

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What... did... you... say???" The young girl shrugged, "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior exclaimed, "Oh praise be to Sweet Jesus! I thought you had said a Protestant."
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« Reply #43 on: February 05, 2004, 02:29:10 PM »

I've actually heard that one before... :-D  If you hear it from a heiromonk with an Irish accent, it's even funnier & set it in Dublin... :-D
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« Reply #44 on: February 05, 2004, 02:38:42 PM »

An Englishman goes to his shrink and says "I have an overwhelming urge to become an Irishman."  The shrink tries all he can to make his patient satisfied with his English heritage, but nothing works.  The man declares that he MUST become an Irishman.  
The shrink finally gives up and says, "Well, I know a doctor friend of mine, who'll be able to turn you into an Irishman, here's the referal."
The man goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, to make you Irish, we will be required to remove 1/4 of your brain.  Please sign these release forms... remember, if you sign these, you will not be able to blame us for anything that goes wrong..."  The man signs the papers.
Soon after, the man awakens in his hospital bed, his head wrapped in bandages.  In comes the doctor, who says "I have some good news, and some bad news.  The good news is that the surgery went very well, and we expect you to fully recover.  The bad news, (and remember, you signed those papers, you can do nothing), is that instead of removing 1/4 of your brain, we have removed 3/4 of it."
The man lay there on the bed, looked at the doctor, and said "No Worries, Mate."

Soon after the man moved to Australia.

**Please note that this was told to me by an Australian heiromonk, & I meant no offence to the Aussies or the Irish.
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Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
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