Planetary,
First of all, I just want you to know that no matter how tormented or confused you feel, and no matter how far you feel from Him, God still loves you. He is your Father and He will never abandon you, no matter what you have done, or what you feel tempted to do.
I also want to emphasize just how much sexuality is only one part of Christian teaching, it should not consume our entire religious experience. Yes, the Church teaches that engaging in homosexual behavior is unhelpful for the Christian life, not conducive to finding communion with God. However, the Church has many teachings on how we should live our lives so that we can deepen the presence of God in our lives. The Church has teachings on how we should use our money, how we should act towards those who hate us and who love us, how we should react (or, more often, NOT react) to the things that life throws at us. Sexuality is but one part of all of this. It would be silly to overemphasize one thing to the exclusion of the others, especially to the point that our obsession with our our particular sin leads us to the brink of despair. God does not want us in despair, our God is a loving, caring God who really just wants us to be okay. The "Laws of God" with regards to anything are more guidelines for living a life in Christ, it is what we should do in order to find the presence of God in our lives and to bring forth that presence into all we do and into all we are. The laws should not be idolized as ends in themselves, as condemning rule books that are there just to damn us to hell or make us feel bad about ourselves. Excessive, nagging guilt and self-pity are not part of authentic spiritual life. While we often feel these things, it is important to recognize them as our OWN issues with ourselves, and not how God feels towards us. God has nothing for us but love and in Him there is no hatred or disdain for His creation, which includes all of us.
The Christian life is about becoming like Christ, and in order to do that, we cultivate His presence in our hearts, and from there proceeds all the goodness that we need to live the commandments of Christ. So, cultivate your prayer life. Don't try to imagine how God must feel towards you, don't try to conjure up all the guilty feelings and self-hating thoughts that pass as "repentance", spiritual life is not about thinking lots of thoughts that we think God wants us to think. Like Jesus, we need to empty ourselves that God might fill us. We need to empty ourselves of our thoughts about ourselves and about Him so that we can move our attention from our heads into our hearts, and there we can find a place in which to begin spiritual life. Concentrate your attention on your heart, and say "Lord Jesus Christ," and when you have done that, "have mercy on me!" It is not our job to come up with any solutions, it is not our job to heal ourselves, simply cry out to Christ, and He will come and heal you. All we need to do is cry out.
Furthermore, it should be said that with homosexuality, healing does not mean becoming straight. There is no reason for us to be straight. There is nothing inherently better or worse about being straight or gay in the eyes of God. Everyone is called to chastity, no matter what their sexuality. Sexuality really is not even as important to the human experience as our society would have us believe. Throughout most of history, little distinction was made between "gay" or "straight", and a large number of people would engage in sex with both genders, and they did not consider themselves anything in particular. Sexuality as we commonly understand it is a mental and societal construct that doesn't really exist. It is trying to define ourselves by who or what we lust after, almost "I lust therefore I am", and in my opinion, that's a pretty impoverished definition of a person. We are all called to live in a communion of love with one another, and for the individual Christian this will take many different particular forms. Some people are called to be married, others are called to be monks and nuns, and others are called to serve God in single life. It takes discernment to figure out where one fits in into all of this. Maybe it would be helpful for you to visit a Monastery. Even if you are not called to that life, monks in my experience are very loving, compassionate people who can really do a lot to help a person who is hurting.
Try not to think too much about your gay thoughts, about anything relating to that. Try not to pay too much attention to these things. By paying attention to thoughts, even under the pretense of trying to better ourselves or fight the thought, we actually just get more ensnared in them, more caught up in dark things. Focus on Christ, and on things that are good and beautiful.
Be merciful and forgiving towards yourself when you fall. God is.
I know this struggle well, Planetary, and if I can be of any help to you, don't hesitate to PM me.
I'll pray for you.
