Miaphysite or dyophysite Orthodoxy?
To Hades with all of this.No. Embracing Orthodoxy is.
I'm going to conquer the world, declare myself its Emperor, and kidnap every person on the planet who calls himself bishop and can demonstrate that he has a line of descent back to the apostles and lock them in a conference room with bread, water, and a bit of wine until this all gets sorted out.
It's the only way to fix this mess.
Dyophysite Orthodoxy, but better a Miaphysite Orthodox than a dyophysite follower of the Vatican or Protestant. I dare say even those dyophysite Orthodox who claim the Miaphysite Orthodox confess a different Faith will agree with that.
Which Patriarchate of Ukraine?
Unfortunately there is no Patriarchate of Ukraine. The one Church in Ukraine in communion with the Orthodox Church is a Metropolitinate, but I would like to see him elevated as an autocephalous Patriarch.
Should I go OCA?
If you are in North America, yes. But any Church in the Episcopal Assembly of North America will do.
Old Calendar or New Calendar?
New Calendar, but there are plenty of those on the Old Calendar
Is contraception okay?
You would have to ask your Orthodox spiritual Father.
What about metaouisios in the Holy Eucharist - is that a doctrine or not?
That the Holy Eucharist is the flesh that hung on the Cross is dogma. Metaouisios is not, it's a term, and a foreign one at that.
Is the Council of Jerusalem a real synod or not?
Real synod, but that tells you nothing of its authority.
Is ecumenism okay?
Depends on what you mean by it. What is condemned as ecumenism is not.
"Orthodoxy" is a mess.
You are projecting your confused thinking.
You have a lot of issues to fix.
None that impede communion, except maybe the miaphysite issue.
"Embracing Orthodoxy", as wonderful as that sounds, is extremely confusing,
Wasn't confused at all when I did it.
and your bishops need to be forced to come together to sort all these things out, like contraception,
That your ecclesiastical leadership preach one thing, and your colleagues do another is your problem, not ours. It is where scholastism has led you.
the liturgical calendar,
the ghost of Pope Victor still animates the Vatican I see.
overlapping jurisdictions in the United States,
The bishops have met.
the mess in Ukraine,
the situation between you guys and the miaphysite churches, http://www.orthodoxunity.org/
Did "embracing orthodoxy" fix the Arian crisis
or the iconoclasm crisis
or the Nestorian heresy
or the Eutychean heresy?
No - Emperors forcing bishops to get their acts together did.
The Emperors exiled Pope St. Athanasius five times.
The Emperors decreed the dogma of iconoclasm.
The Emperor Theodosios sponsored Nestorius, until his sister convinced him against him with the help of Pope St. Cyril.
The same empeoror killed EP St. Flavian, and sponsored Eutyches.
now, that wasn't so hard nor confusing.