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Schultz
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« on: August 21, 2009, 10:40:10 AM »

...about people you just plain don't want to be around?

A little background.  I had this friend, let's call him "Brian," who was the singer in my present band and with whom I was pretty close.  I was even the best man at his wedding this past May.  We had a falling out, partly due to differences of opinion regarding band business and partly because, well, I just realized I didn't know the guy and what I did know I didn't really like.  He's one of those people who is always "on," playing a role all the time and wearing a different mask for each situation and he has more than once been deceitful about things directly impacting on my life.  I find him to be obnoxious and pretentious.

Basically, I find it very difficult to even think of him without getting upset at how he's treated me, my wife, and our mutual friends.

I'm still quite angry about the falling out we had and the circumstances which led to it and am just not ready to forgive and move on.  I know this is my problem and also know that I will, someday, hopefully soon, forgive him. 

But what about after?  What does one do in a situation where you forgive someone who wronged you but know that you just don't want to be around this person afterwards? 
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« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2009, 11:06:22 AM »

When something similar happened between myself and a friend, after I pulled away and she finally got the message, it eventually became a more casual friendship and much easier to forgive and move on.  We talk occasionally and get together for coffee or a meal maybe twice a year.  There are still a lot of open wounds between us and it's been 5-6 years we've had since we had our falling out, but we're at least on civil speaking terms.  My suggestion is that if you don't want to be around him then don't.  Sometimes people just aren't compatible as friends anymore.
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« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2009, 11:27:38 AM »

...about people you just plain don't want to be around?

A little background.  I had this friend, let's call him "Brian," who was the singer in my present band and with whom I was pretty close.  I was even the best man at his wedding this past May.  We had a falling out, partly due to differences of opinion regarding band business and partly because, well, I just realized I didn't know the guy and what I did know I didn't really like.  He's one of those people who is always "on," playing a role all the time and wearing a different mask for each situation and he has more than once been deceitful about things directly impacting on my life.  I find him to be obnoxious and pretentious.

Basically, I find it very difficult to even think of him without getting upset at how he's treated me, my wife, and our mutual friends.

I'm still quite angry about the falling out we had and the circumstances which led to it and am just not ready to forgive and move on.  I know this is my problem and also know that I will, someday, hopefully soon, forgive him. 

But what about after?  What does one do in a situation where you forgive someone who wronged you but know that you just don't want to be around this person afterwards? 

I've been in a very similar situation myself where my 'best friend' for several years was a really self-centered user whose actions had been severely destructive to me both personally and financially, I can only say I learned to avoid him. This involved even quitting various social clubs in which I had been a member with him. I never faced or realized that forgiveness was an issue. Just plain forgetting and moving on without personal recriminations was enough. Later many mutual friends commented that I had finally wised up.
Later yet, his wife called me and asked me to befriend him, again as he was lonesome and without friends as everyone seemed to avoid him altogether. This was no surprise to me, but I just couldn't help him.
People such as these actually harm themselves more than us. On that basis I think you can find a way out for your personal turmoil.
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« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2009, 11:50:34 AM »


 What does one do in a situation where you forgive someone who wronged you but know that you just don't want to be around this person afterwards? 

 These situations are never easy, but basically you have to do what's best for you and your sanity.  How you handle it will also be of great importance as well.  When a decision to end a relationship has been made, it's always best to try not to burn bridges as well as end it in a way that preserves the other persons dignity and feelings.  This is often not easy to do, but with prayer and perhaps guidance from your priest, you will make the best of a bad situation.    
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« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2009, 12:36:02 PM »

...about people you just plain don't want to be around?

A little background.  I had this friend, let's call him "Brian," who was the singer in my present band and with whom I was pretty close.  I was even the best man at his wedding this past May.  We had a falling out, partly due to differences of opinion regarding band business and partly because, well, I just realized I didn't know the guy and what I did know I didn't really like.  He's one of those people who is always "on," playing a role all the time and wearing a different mask for each situation and he has more than once been deceitful about things directly impacting on my life.  I find him to be obnoxious and pretentious.

Basically, I find it very difficult to even think of him without getting upset at how he's treated me, my wife, and our mutual friends.

I'm still quite angry about the falling out we had and the circumstances which led to it and am just not ready to forgive and move on.  I know this is my problem and also know that I will, someday, hopefully soon, forgive him. 

But what about after?  What does one do in a situation where you forgive someone who wronged you but know that you just don't want to be around this person afterwards? 

I spoke about a similar situation with my priest once, and he said that it's perfectly acceptable to forgive someone but not have contact with them anymore if they are emotionally and or spiritually unhealthy.

If this person is unhealthy to be around, it can be emotionally and spiritually toxic for you to maintain contact with the person. So it's okay for you to forgive them, release any ill will or ill feelings you have towards them, and then never speak to them again or limit your contact with them. If you HAVE to see him (I don't know if he's a member of your parish, or if you work with him) just be courteous and civil, but don't get too chummy with him.

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« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2009, 12:50:32 PM »

I can't help you, Schultz because I'm struggling with a similar problem.
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Schultz
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« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2009, 04:21:43 PM »

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments.  Part of me is reticent to tell "Brian" that I forgive him but don't want to be around him anymore because I honestly don't think he'll understand that.  One of our mutual friends, a diaconal candidate in a Continuing Anglican church who has shown true grit in getting stuck in the middle of all this, sees Brian as suffering from a bit of arrested development and agrees with my assessment but says that I have to do it anyways.  I am inclined to agree with him, but, of course, that old fear of dealing with another bout of childish behavior (which spills over to my wife who absolutely hates Brian at this point) rears its ugly head.

This is one of those times that I suppose I just have to get it over with for everyone's benefit so the time for healing can begin.
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« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2009, 04:35:16 PM »

Unfortunately it may take a hit to your friend's ego to make him mature.  When my friend realized that I wasn't willing to take her possessive, manipulative behavior just to maintain a relationship, she too had a fit and said a lot of childish, passive-aggressive things thinking she could guilt me into being her friend.  She still has her passive-aggressive moments but she knows now that I won't tolerate it and if she wants to keep the relationship, she's got to behave like an adult. 

I won't try to sugar coat it... you probably have some difficult days ahead, but just remember that it will be to everyone's benefit to be tough for a while.  Best of luck to you!
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« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2009, 04:26:26 AM »

Be concrete and point out actual behaviours rather than personality traits when explaining what is wrong to Brian.
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« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2009, 11:55:00 AM »

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments.  Part of me is reticent to tell "Brian" that I forgive him but don't want to be around him anymore because I honestly don't think he'll understand that. 

Frankly, I'm not sure you really need to put it into words. Why not just go to the Lord and ask forgiveness of Him for your feelings towards this other person and then just let it go at that? As others have said, if you don't really want to be around this person... then don't. Find reasons for being somewhere else and he'll get the message. By the way... Barnabas and Paul had a difference of opinion... Paul and Peter duked it out at one point... so it's not particularly unusual to discover that there are people with whom you are going to be in disagreement and just plain don't care to be around. It seems to me that we sometimes make situations more complicated than they need to be. Don't make his problems, yours.

All the best.
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« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2009, 01:17:17 PM »

Shultz, I'm so sorry you and your wife are having to experience such pain due to this particular individual. I hope "Brian" is able to get some help or clues from his spiritual father (if he has one). This sounds like the type of situation a wise, older spiritual father might have a beneficial influence upon the person.
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