This past year has been a really hard one for me. I was diagnosed with cancer and went through all the various treatments and surgery etc. Instead of drawing me closer to God, all the losses-and the finality of them-completely shocked and crushed me. Then to add insult to injury, my youngest brother decided to get married (wedding's next week), and told me he doesn't want me at his wedding-basically because I am and old maid and he is ashamed of me. I was hurt to the core. My brother is 12 years younger than me and he was "my" baby and I raised him and he was the closest I'll ever have to a child. I wept for weeks and I'm weeping right now. It hurts so much to be treated this way. On top of everything else, men keep rejecting me. So I have turned away from God. I stopped going to church-haven't been there since the winter. I can barely even believe God exists and everything rings so hollow to me.
Yesterday I went to the thrift shop and was looking amongst the pots and pans and suddenly I saw an unusual, oblong ICON there-of St Nicholas of Myra. It was quite beautiful and unusual. I was shocked and didn't know what to do. I wondered if maybe there is a God? I put the icon in my cart, thinking I ought to buy it. I carried it around with me, but, at the door, instead of purchasing everything, I decided it was all too expensive for me,and put everything back (now I regret not buying the icon).
Then today I was outside and two little kids, who go to my parish were on the street, riding their bikes. The little boy called out to me, "HI", and I said hi back. He looked a bit disconcerted and said with uncertainty," Don't you speak Russian? I thought you did." I said distantly, "yes. why?" He said, "Well, I would like to ask you a question-Why have you stopped going to church? What has happened? You should go..." I replied vaguely and said, "Yes, I need to, I should..."
Please pray for me, as I try to deal with everything, and this loss of faith too.