Author Topic: Bad joke  (Read 47728 times)

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Offline Fr.Aidan

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #315 on: March 30, 2013, 02:14:01 PM »
And because if they didn't, they wouldn't be Rushin' Orthodox.

Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #316 on: April 19, 2013, 04:15:15 PM »
Young American couple in the midst of their 19th c. Russian fantasy. There was a coffee hour after Liturgy, and a real Russian sat down at the table. They introduced themselves, then their 18-month-old son, Mitrophan. The Russian looked at them, with all seriousness, "That's a monk name, not a man name."
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Offline Tallitot

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #317 on: April 30, 2013, 07:04:57 PM »
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
 
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,...
 
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
 
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Proverbs 22:7

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #318 on: May 17, 2013, 01:27:07 AM »
In a city a police officer pulled over a driver.  The police officer did the usual by asking for the driver's driver's license.  Then the police officer said, "The way I saw it, I'd say 55."  The driver replied, "No, 35.  My hat makes me look older."

Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #319 on: May 19, 2013, 01:15:21 PM »
- Father, why did Christ after His Resurrection firstly appear to women, and not to men?
- My child, Christ knew women by nature are more talkative than men and He wanted the Good News to be spread as fast as possible.
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Offline LBK

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #320 on: May 20, 2013, 12:11:16 AM »
- Father, why did Christ after His Resurrection firstly appear to women, and not to men?
- My child, Christ knew women by nature are more talkative than men and He wanted the Good News to be spread as fast as possible.

Yup. Never underestimate the power and range of the babafon'.  ;) :laugh:
« Last Edit: May 20, 2013, 12:11:47 AM by LBK »
Am I posting? Or is it Schroedinger's Cat?

Offline stanley123

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #321 on: May 22, 2013, 09:18:58 PM »
Sign in a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #322 on: May 31, 2013, 10:07:29 PM »
Congress is working on a very simplified 2-step tax form:

1.  How much money did you make last year?

2.  Send it in.

Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #323 on: June 01, 2013, 01:51:47 PM »
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!
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Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #324 on: June 09, 2013, 01:40:10 PM »
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit
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Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #325 on: June 16, 2013, 08:03:19 PM »
Sunday school.

- Do you pray before meals?

- We don't need to. My mother cooks fine.
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Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #326 on: July 02, 2013, 12:41:54 AM »
    A Sunday school teacher was starting to get impatient with a young student who hesitated when asked what the names of the first humans on earth were.  She finally said, "I will give you a hint.  Think apple."
 
    The student replied, "Oh, I know.  Granny Smith!" :)

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #327 on: July 15, 2013, 01:26:13 AM »
An orchestra went through a series of rehearsals for an upcoming performance of a symphony.  At one of the last rehearsals, the conductor was getting after one of the violin players for missing three rehearsals.  The conductor exclaimed, "Charles, this is the third rehearsal that you missed! Why can't you be more like Mike who has made all the rehearsals?"  But Mike replied, "Well, I will not be able to make it to the performance, so I thought the least I could do is make the rehearsals."  :)

Offline Romanicus

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #328 on: July 15, 2013, 05:18:15 AM »
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I won't believe any number, until I see proof!


Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We'll never know.


Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one - but the light bulb has to want to change.
"Its later than you think." -- Fr. Seraphim Rose

Offline Santagranddad

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #329 on: July 15, 2013, 06:29:16 AM »
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I won't believe any number, until I see proof!


Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We'll never know.


Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one - but the light bulb has to want to change.

The above reminded me of another bad joke:


Two social workers sat on a beach as a man struggles in the surf,

He sinks below the waves for the first time,

He sinks below the waves for the second time,

He sinks bellows the waves for the third time,

And one social worker turns to the other and says,

"If only he asked for help".


It really wound up the social workers I knew, but everyone else laughed.

Offline Cyrillic

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #330 on: July 16, 2013, 05:48:49 PM »
A Roman Catholic priest came to a barber. He got his haircut and asked the barber how much he had to pay. ‘Nothing, Father, I never charge Catholic priests,’ the barber replied. The priest was nicely surprised, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of the finest Benedictine wine at his door.

Another day an Orthodox priest came to the same barber. He was served and asked the barber if he owed something for the job. ‘Absolutely nothing, Father, I never charge the Orthodox clergy,’ the barber said. The Orthodox priest was nicely surprised as well, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of vodka at his door.

Some days later a rabbi came to the same barber. After he had his hair cut, he asked for a bill too. ‘You owe me nothing, rabbi. I never charge rabbis,’ the answer was. The rabbi was very much surprised too, and the next day the barber found... twelve rabbis at his door.
At nunc desertis cessant sacraria lucis:
aurum omnes victa iam pietate colunt.
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νὰ μὴ ζητήσουνε νὰ βροῦν ποιός ἢμουν
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Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #331 on: July 19, 2013, 12:52:26 PM »
There was once a couple arguing over who should make coffee in the morning.

    The wife said, "Husband, you get up first, so you should make the coffee."

    The husband replied, "But cooking is part of your routine. You know the kitchen far better than I do, so you should make the coffee."

    The wife replied, "No, it states in Scripture that the husband makes the coffee."

    The husband responded, "It does? Where does it say that?"

    The wife grabbed a Bible, flipped through it, and said, "Here it is. 'Hebrews.'" :)

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #332 on: August 07, 2013, 01:54:02 AM »
A patient had an appointment with a doctor.  The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
    The patient replied, "Doctor, I think I have a problem with my nerves.  I tend to be pretty shaky, espically my hands."
    The doctor asked, "Do you drink a lot?"
    The patient replied, "No, I spill most of it." : )

Offline Tallitot

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #333 on: August 14, 2013, 08:53:25 AM »
Q: Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
A: Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan...
Proverbs 22:7

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #334 on: August 23, 2013, 02:08:20 AM »
   There was once a man who was walking toward a high scale restaurant. He was wearing a suit and rolling a tire beside him. After he entered the restaurant, an exasperate hostess walked up to him and inquired, "Excuse me sir, why on earth do you have a tire with you."

The man replied, "The last time I was here, I was told to bring proper I. D. and attire."

Offline PeterTheAleut

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #335 on: August 23, 2013, 03:36:30 AM »
An orchestra went through a series of rehearsals for an upcoming performance of a symphony.  At one of the last rehearsals, the conductor was getting after one of the violin players for missing three rehearsals.  The conductor exclaimed, "Charles, this is the third rehearsal that you missed! Why can't you be more like Mike who has made all the rehearsals?"  But Mike replied, "Well, I will not be able to make it to the performance, so I thought the least I could do is make the rehearsals."  :)
Sounds like a trombonist with whom I went to college. He, our principal trombonist, and I had all rehearsed the third movement of Norm Leyden's Concerto for Three Trombones and Concert Band. The night of the concert, this fellow, our second trombonist, no-showed. Calling him two or three times and not finding him at home, our conductor, also a trombonist, picked up his horn and subbed for the absentee performer. We found out afterward that our truant trombonist had totally forgotten there was a concert that night. Do I need to say that our no-show was not very happy with the grade he got for the course? (This is not a joke.)
« Last Edit: August 23, 2013, 03:38:51 AM by PeterTheAleut »
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Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #336 on: September 04, 2013, 03:03:16 PM »
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit

Let us attend - kids free-for-all, parents are attending as instructed
God willing - I'll think about it
spiritual discussion - internet forums
earthly cares - stuff I have to do
first time - innovation, second time - normal, third time - tradition
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Offline TheTrisagion

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #337 on: September 04, 2013, 03:10:35 PM »
LOL!  I love it.  :laugh:
Praise to be kelly the all-benificent for granting me permission to change my sig line.

Obligatory: "It's a mystery! Ask your priest/spiritual father. Orthodoxy and the Religion of the Future. Marital fasting."

Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #338 on: September 04, 2013, 06:07:14 PM »
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit

Let us attend - kids free-for-all, parents are attending as instructed
God willing - I'll think about it
spiritual discussion - internet forums
earthly cares - stuff I have to do
first time - innovation, second time - normal, third time - tradition

Forgive me - Forget it
Amen - Yes
Christ is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Indeed He is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Heretic - You are wrong
Schismatic - You may be right but I still don't like you
Fool-for-Christ - Insane
Blessed - Second-rate saint
Lord's will be done - Unforeseeable consequences
God will provide - No one else I know will
God repay you - I definitely won't
Elder X says we must do this - I asked Fr X if I could do this and he said I could if I wanted to , and now I'm gonna force everybody else to do it too
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Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #339 on: September 14, 2013, 01:50:09 PM »
How many Harvard graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... he holds the bulb in place and the universe revolves around him.
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #340 on: September 15, 2013, 06:34:18 AM »
"We're not allowed to call the Higgs Boson the 'God particle' anymore because now there's evidence that it exists."

 ;D
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline Opus118

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #341 on: September 15, 2013, 11:27:59 AM »
How many Harvard graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... he holds the bulb in place and the universe revolves around him.


This is close to what I get in trouble arguing about here, but I prefer:

"She hold the bulb in place the the universe revolves around her."

It's a fact.

Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #342 on: September 16, 2013, 03:20:49 AM »
This is close to what I get in trouble arguing about here, but I prefer:

"She hold the bulb in place the the universe revolves around her."

It's a fact.

I'm ok with this, but only for a few hours at a time.
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #343 on: September 16, 2013, 03:21:20 AM »
If Christianity evolved from Judaism, then why are there still Jews? Checkmate, religionists!
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #344 on: September 24, 2013, 02:28:34 AM »
Saw this on the net somewhere...

Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker, "Luke, I know what you got for Christmas."

Luke replies, "How could you possibly know that?"

Darth Vader answers, "I felt your presents."
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline Gebre Menfes Kidus

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #345 on: September 24, 2013, 03:50:22 AM »
Last year, Auburn University bragged that their water polo team would win the national championship. But alas, their horses drowned.


Selam
""Love is a dangerous thing. It will crush you if you trust it. But without it you can never be whole. Love crucifies, but love saves. We will either be saved together with love, or damned alone without it."    Selam, +GMK+

Offline mike

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #346 on: October 02, 2013, 01:50:42 PM »
- What do the Orthodox feel about the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church and his actions?
- Schadenfreude.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2013, 01:50:57 PM by Michał Kalina »
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Offline stanley123

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #347 on: October 03, 2013, 01:03:33 AM »
- What do the Orthodox feel about the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church and his actions?
- Schadenfreude.
Unfortunately, this is possibly not a joke.

Offline hecma925

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #348 on: October 03, 2013, 12:30:14 PM »
Last year, Auburn University bragged that their water polo team would win the national championship. But alas, their horses drowned.


Selam

I heard that same joke this weekend.  LOL
Happy shall he be, that shall take and dash thy little ones against the rock. Alleluia.

Once Christ has filled the Cross, it can never be empty again.

"But God doesn't need your cookies!  Arrive on time!"

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #349 on: October 20, 2013, 10:29:04 PM »
A friend of mine has been trying to find a dating site that has women who reflect his age and experience.  He has been having a very difficult time finding a site, but he finally found one:  CARBONDATING.COM.  :)

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #350 on: October 29, 2013, 12:45:34 AM »
Recently a friend of mine was injured and lost his left side.  He's all right now. :)

Offline Gamliel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #351 on: October 30, 2013, 01:14:14 AM »
Did you hear about the ghosts who entered a bar and ordered boos?

Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #352 on: November 14, 2013, 02:55:51 AM »
You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #353 on: November 20, 2013, 02:36:44 AM »
My friend said he was going to the Halloween party dressed as an Italian island. I said 'don't be Sicily.'
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Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline PeterTheAleut

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #354 on: November 20, 2013, 03:26:44 AM »
You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2013, 03:28:00 AM by PeterTheAleut »
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Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #355 on: November 20, 2013, 03:33:07 AM »
Either ending worked, I laughed for both  ;D
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫

Offline PeterTheAleut

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #356 on: November 20, 2013, 03:37:45 AM »
Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?

He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
Not all who wander are lost.

Offline PeterTheAleut

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #357 on: November 20, 2013, 03:39:14 AM »
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

People actually cry when you chop up the onion.
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Offline PeterTheAleut

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #358 on: November 20, 2013, 04:10:10 AM »
This joke's so bad I could only tell it on the private forum:

http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,55031.msg1029579.html#msg1029579
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Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Bad joke
« Reply #359 on: November 20, 2013, 12:52:09 PM »

John:  "Hey doc, it really hurts when I do this [moves fingers]. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Don't do that."
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫
The original bleeding heart ♫
That is what thou art ♫
Jesus ♫   ♫   ♫   ♫