Topic: Bad joke

[Maria]

This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:

Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!

 

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.!
WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

I heard something similar. A man asks if he could cross the farmer's field in ten minutes in order to save time getting to his destination because he was running late. The old farmer says, "Yeah, you could get across my field in ten minutes, and if my bull sees you, you could get across in one."

[Maria]

Engineers on a train
Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.
 
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
 
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket! After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.
 
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."

Engineers must have engineered the first conspiracy to entice Eve to eat that apple.

[Luke]

What do you get when you cross a vampire with Frosty the snowman?  Frostbite!

[VarangianGuard]

I heard this from a Catholic priest:
Why does the Pope wear swimming trunks in the shower?
-He does not want to look down on the unemployed.

[VarangianGuard]

Soviet humour told by a Russian:

A Soviet Russian and an American were talking about their countries.
The American said: I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my hand on Reagan's desk and say "listen, Mr. President. I don't like the way you are running this country!"
The Russian replied: I can do that too.
The American was suprised and replied "really?"
"Yes", the Russian said. I can go to the Kremlin any day, slam my hand at the General Secretary's desk and say "Listen, Mr. Gorbachev, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country!"

[Ioannis Climacus]

Soviet humour told by a Russian:

A Soviet Russian and an American were talking about their countries.
The American said: I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my hand on Reagan's desk and say "listen, Mr. President. I don't like the way you are running this country!"
The Russian replied: I can do that too.
The American was suprised and replied "really?"
"Yes", the Russian said. I can go to the Kremlin any day, slam my hand at the General Secretary's desk and say "Listen, Mr. Gorbachev, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country!"

Reagan apperantly told this joke to Gorbachev and the latter actually laughed.

[PeterTheAleut]

A young man stands before the judge in criminal court. Their exchange goes something like this:

Judge: "Young man, why are you in this court room today?"

Young man: "I wanted to start my Christmas shopping a bit early, your honor."

Judge: "I don't see a problem with that. How early did you start?"

Young man: "Before the store opened."

[JamesR]

Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.


________

Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"

[PeterTheAleut]

Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.


________

Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"

The teacher fainted.

[Fr.Aidan]

Judge to delinquent youth: "Young man, you've been brought before this court for drinking!"

Youth, enthusiastically: "Great! Let's get started!"

[genesisone]

A man headed home on Hwy 400 after a night out answers his cell phone (oops!  )

Wife: Honey, stay off Hwy 400, the news has just reported that there's someone driving the wrong way in the northbound lanes!

Husband: That report isn't quite right: there are hundreds driving the wrong way!

[Cyrillic]

Judge to delinquent youth: "Young man, you've been brought before this court for drinking!"

Youth, enthusiastically: "Great! Let's get started!"

 

Such is the justice system in Holy Russia

[mike]

Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".

[NicholasMyra]

Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".

This sounds like a Ge'ez riddle.

[mike]

A young monk was washing lettuce leaves. Another monk approached him, a wanting to dare him, asked: - Can you repeat what elder said in a sermon this morning? - I do not remember - the young monk replied. - So why were you listening to the sermon if you already do not remember it? - Look, brother: water washes lettuce, but does not stay on its leaves. Salad, however, keeps becoming cleaner.

[mike]

What are the two most orthodox vegetables ? Peas and lettuce because : "In peas, lettuce pray to the Lord."

[That person]

Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".

This sounds like a Ge'ez riddle.

There's a much more protestant version I've heard, but I think I like this wording the best.

[Luke]

What do you get when you cross a vampire with Frosty the Snowman?
Frostbite.

[Asteriktos]

What are the two most orthodox vegetables ? Peas and lettuce because : "In peas, lettuce pray to the Lord."

 

[PeterTheAleut]

What are the two most orthodox vegetables ? Peas and lettuce because : "In peas, lettuce pray to the Lord."

Kinda like the three bathroom vegetables: lettuce, turnip, and pea.

[mike]

A female student asks the priest: "Father, to what saint should I pray to pass the exam?" He answers: "My child, won't you try learning?".

[mike]

At the evening service, the deacon goes out to read the Gospel. This is done in the center of the church. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a yiayia who "knows everything" appears net to him. Deacon opened the Gospel and was just about to say the first sentence, as yiayia starts to prompt to him in a stage whisper:
- At that time...
Deacon in confusion repeats:
- At that time...
Yiayia:
- The Lord went...
-Deacon:
- The Lord went...
Yiayia:
- To Nazareth!
Deacon looked at the book, and then triumphantly poking his tongue at her, said:
- To Capernaum!

[Santagranddad]

Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.


________

Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"

Appropriate it isn't but I laughed fit to bust all the same....

[mike]

Russia. Sunday school.
During the lesson pupil is asked by the teacher:
- What was the fault of Adam and Eve?
Fellow students begin to prompt:
- Apples! Apples!
Pupil:
-They ate apples before the Transfiguration!

[mike]

Sunday school:
- What do we commemorate at the feast of Theophany?
- We commemorate the fact that our Lord was baptised and received into the Orthodox Church!

[mike]

Sunday school (you are not surprised, aren't you?). A 7-year-old is reading paschal troparion:

- Christ is risen from the dead... - Oh, the dead! Horror! - ...death by death... - Oh, again about the death! - ..and upon those in the tombs bestowing life - tombs again, nightmare!

He closed the book:
- No, this song is very scary!

[Luke]

  Long Before Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor, movie star, or body builder, he was a piano student.  He was doing quite well.  One day his piano teacher said, "You are doing quite well at the piano.  Think someday you will be another Beethoven or Mozart?"
 
    Arnold replied, "No, I'll be Bach."

[Asteriktos]

 

[Hiwot]

OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'

[Gebre Menfes Kidus]

OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'

 



Selam

[Maria]

OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'

[Luke]

One day a cub was asking his Dad, "Dad, am I a hundred percent polar bear?"
    The Dad replied, "Well, of course, son.  I am a hundred percent polar bear, your Mom is a hundred percent polar bear, all your grandparents, aunts, and uncles are a hundred percent polar bear."
 The cub replied, "Oh, O. K."
 
 The Dad got to wondering and asked, "Why do you ask, son?"
 
    The cub replied, "'Cause I'm cold!" 

[alanscott]

What reason did the atheist feminist woman give for denying Christianity?

“I can accept He was born of a virgin but three wise men?!”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy filled with his love and exuberance for God was trying to tell a businessman about heaven. The man attempting to have a conversation with an associate started to become aggravated by the pestering young boy.

Finally the man, out of frustration, exclaimed; “Look kid I don’t want to go to heaven.”

The young boy, knowing only one of two options, innocently replied: “O.K. then go to hell”


*If deemed inappropriate please excuse my lack of discretion.

[Gebre Menfes Kidus]

What reason did the atheist feminist woman give for denying Christianity?

“I can accept He was born of a virgin but three wise men?!”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy filled with his love and exuberance for God was trying to tell a businessman about heaven. The man attempting to have a conversation with an associate started to become aggravated by the pestering young boy.

Finally the man, out of frustration, exclaimed; “Look kid I don’t want to go to heaven.”

The young boy, knowing only one of two options, innocently replied: “O.K. then go to hell”


*If deemed inappropriate please excuse my lack of discretion.

Good ones both! 



Selam

[vamrat]

A pair of engineers met one day at the park.  One of them has a new bike.

"Wow, where'd you get that snazzy new bike?" the first one asks.

"Well, I was walking here earlier and this nice young lady rides up, hops off her bike, takes off all her clothes and throws them on the ground and tells me I can have whatever I want."

"Good choice," says the first engineer.  "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[That person]

(This one can be interchanged with the Roman Catholic equivalents)

At a Conservative Jewish wedding, the bride is pregnant


At a Reform Jewish wedding, the rabbi is pregnant


At an Orthodox Jewish wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

I feel the Reform one is probably stronger as a punchline.

[stanley123]

Question: Why was the baker working so hard?
Answer: Because he kneaded the dough.

[mike]

Russian joke:

We have Great Lent now. We shall not drink vodka, eat meat, lie and slander. Parliament should have a vacation at this time.

[biro]

Russian joke:

We have Great Lent now. We shall not drink vodka, eat meat, lie and slander. Parliament should have a vacation at this time.

 

[PeterTheAleut]

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A. Hell if I know.

[mike]

A few reasons why I do not wash myself:
1. Because I was forced to wash myself as a child.
2. Because I was not taught to wash myself as a child.
2. Those who wash themselves are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than others.
3. I can not decide which soap is better.
4. I once washed myself, but then I got sick.
5. I wash myself only on major holidays - Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends washes himself.
7. I'll start to wash myself when I'm old and dirty.
8. I do not have time to wash myself.
9. In winter the water is too cold and it's too hot in the summer.
10. I do not want soap manufacturers to make money from me.
11. I have personal relationship with hygiene.
12. All soaps are alike. Different brands of soap were invented by impostors in white gowns.
13. All the wars in the world were because of soap.
14. All varieties of soaps have drawbacks. I wash myself with three soaps at once. For only such a combination is right.

[Cyrillic]

99 Belgians and one Dutchman are on a plane. Suddenly the plane is quickly losing height. The pilot comes and says "We have too much weight on board, we're throwing out the lugage". The lugage is thrown out but still the plane is losing height. The pilot says: "We should get rid of the floor. Everyone grab hold of the ropes on the ceiling". The floor is thrown out, everyone is hanging on to the ropes from the ceiling but still the plane is losing height. The pilot comes again and says: "We need to lose a little more weight. One has to let the rope go and fall to save the rest." The Dutchman says: "Okay, I'll sacrifice myself" and immediately all the Belgians start clapping.

[Ansgar]

99 Belgians and one Dutchman are on a plane. Suddenly the plane is quickly losing height. The pilot comes and says "We have too much weight on board, we're throwing out the lugage". The lugage is thrown out but still the plane is losing height. The pilot says: "We should get rid of the floor. Everyone grab hold of the ropes on the ceiling". The floor is thrown out, everyone is hanging on to the ropes from the ceiling but still the plane is losing height. The pilot comes again and says: "We need to lose a little more weight. One has to let the rope go and fall to save the rest." The Dutchman says: "Okay, I'll sacrifice myself" and immediately all the Belgians start clapping.

Uhh, a neighbour joke. I love neighbour jokes. 

[Asteriktos]

Why do Christians in northwestern Russia try to rush through Lent? It's because most of them can see the Finnish line the whole time.

[Luke]

Why do Christians in northwestern Russia try to rush through Lent? It's because most of them can see the Finnish line the whole time.