Topic: Bad joke

[Maria]

Here's a joke for ya..

An Irishman walked out of a bar...

Two men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked.

One did duck; he was the Irishman who walked out alive dancing the Irish jig.

[lord doog]

A Muslim was bragging to an Orthodox Christian about fasting in the Islamic tradition. "You Christians have it so easy, you can eat practically whatever and whenever you want, while we have to go without eating from sunrise to sunset. We definitely show greater devotion in our fasting."

"Not so," replied the Christian. "Each fasts according to his own spiritual level and ability, set by his father of confession." There are in fact Christians that fast sunrise to sunset."

Hearing this, the Muslim said, "I bet you don't fast more days than us though. How about this, for every day that Muslims fast, I get to slap you in the face, and you can do the same for me." The Christian agreed.

"We have the Ramadan fast, a whole month. That's 30 slaps." So the Muslim slapped the Christian on the face 30 times. "Your turn."

The Christian started: "First we have the fast of Saint Mary, that's 2 weeks. But I won't slap you for those. Then we have 43 days for the Nativity fast, but we'll hold those for now as well. The apostles fast varies from year to year, it can be between 30 and 50 days, but we won't count them. Then we have Jonah's fast, three days. That's not a lot so I won't count them. Then we have Lent. 55 days. But I'll tell you what, we'll leave those too."

The Muslim was relieved. That would have been a lot of slaps. However, he cautiously asked, "Is there more?"

With a smile, the Christian raised his hand, and with each slap cried, "Wednesday! Friday! Wednesday! Friday! Wednesday!...."

[Carl Kraeff (Second Chance)]

This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:

Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!

 

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.!
WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

PS: Thank you Maria; you are a good and gentle soul.

[PeterTheAleut]

This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:

Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!

 

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.!
WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

I heard something similar. A man asks if he could cross the farmer's field in ten minutes in order to save time getting to his destination because he was running late. The old farmer says, "Yeah, you could get across my field in ten minutes, and if my bull sees you, you could get across in one."

[Catwell]

Why did St. Padraig drive all the snakes out of Ireland?

Oh my goodness! So silly, but I literally laughed out loud at that one. 











































Answer: Because he was the Designated Driver...

[lord doog]

- What do Germans call Protestants?

Daspopen-notliken

-A US boat started to take on water near the coast of Germany. The radioman called the German Coast Guard yelling "We're sinking, we're sinking!"

"Zis iz za German Coast Guard," came the reply. "Vat are you sinking about?"

[Luke]

There was a grade school science class.  The teacher asked if anyone could give her the chemical formula for water.  One student replied, "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."  The teacher was puzzled and asked, "Where did you get that?"   The student replied, "Last week you told us it was H to O." 

[Maria]

There was a grade school science class.  The teacher asked if anyone could give her the chemical formula for water.  One student replied, "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."  The teacher was puzzled and asked, "Where did you get that?"   The student replied, "Last week you told us it was H to O." 

Cute.

[mike]

Once Stalin was passing by a church when he noticed a pile off rubbish. He snarled: - Clean it up! Next day there was no trace of the church.

[Asteriktos]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[ironchapman]

Jokes about Trinity? IS BLASPHEMY!

--Hyperdox Herman.

[mike]

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've  ruined everything"!

[dcommini]

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've  ruined everything"!

That's terrible...






..ly funny

[LizaSymonenko]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Hell No, I didn’t, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hey, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[dcommini]

i just read that on Facebook...

[LizaSymonenko]

Hmmm....seems we must have a "friend" in common, because that's exactly where I got it from. 

[dcommini]

Hmmm....seems we must have a "friend" in common, because that's exactly where I got it from. 

i would say so

[dcommini]

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.

"I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:

"So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters.

Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!

[mike]

- Are Nikon cameras suitable for taking pictures of Orthodox Churches?
- Sure, provided you are not an Old Believer.

[PeterTheAleut]

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[Asteriktos]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
God bless you!

[mike]

Q: What the difference between Greek Orthodox and Russian Orthodox priest?

A: Greek priest smokes, Russian priest drinks.

[Asteriktos]

Things you don't want to hear a pilot say in the middle of a flight...

"Hey, I wonder what this button does? You wanna try it?"

"Any idea how to fix that? No? Uh oh."

"Does this say 9000 feet or 900?"

"Why is that light blinking? I've never seen that before."

"The tower just informed me that Buffalo was actually the other direction, and this is Philadelphia"

[Tallitot]

Did you know most of the comicbook superheros of the 50's and 60's were Jewish? You can tell by their names; Spiderman, Aquaman, Superman, Batman...

[That person]

"Spider-Man" is hyphenated.

That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish. There's some pretty decent literature out there about the roots of the superhero in the Jewish-American experience, although most of the characters themselves are Christian. Eliot S! Maggin argued that the Kryptonian religion Superman followed (as opposed to the Methodism Clark Kent followed) was basically Judaism in space. And Fantastic Four's the Thing is a practicing Jew. A picture of him is actually in display in the late Jack Kirby's synagogue.

And no, I can't accept a post mentioning superheroes without saying something like this.

[Tallitot]

"Spider-Man" is hyphenated. That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish. There's some pretty decent literature out there about the roots of the superhero in the Jewish-American experience, although most of the characters themselves are Christian. Eliot S! Maggin argued that the Kryptonian religion Superman followed (as opposed to the Methodism Clark Kent followed) was basically Judaism in space. And Fantastic Four's the Thing is a practicing Jew. A picture of him is actually in display in the late Jack Kirby's synagogue.

And no, I can't accept a post mentioning superheroes without saying something like this.

yeah...it's joke.

[mike]

- Is It Really an ‘All-Night Vigil’?
- No, it only feels that long.

[Pan Michał]

That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish.

Ha! I always thought that "Superman" sounds like a Jewish surname. Shlomo Batman, a Gotham millionaire of a family that owns half the city's industry. Yup, now it all makes sense.

[Asteriktos]

Q. Why did they change to cowhide balls?
A. They mooooved better.

-- Bob Walk

[PeterTheAleut]

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A. One's a scum sucking bottom feeder, the other's a fish.

(No offense to Veniamin. )

[christian7777]

For some of you it can be considered insulting, but I do not want to insult anyone and only write it for fun. I've heard it from an EO Deacon, who heard it from a RC Priest.

As it's summer Holy Trinity gathers to discuss where to spend holidays.
- Let's go to the Egypt. - proposed God the Son - there are plenty of beautiful pyramids. I remember I enjoyed them when I was there as a Child.
- No way! - said God the Father - there is boiling hot. I'm old and bearded and it will be to hard for Me to stand it. Let's go to Palestine.
- I disagree. - said God the Son - It brings back bad memories for me. What about Rome? It's very popular now.
- Yes! Yes! - shouted God the Holy Spirit in a figure of a Dove, flapping It's wings with enthusiasm - I've not been there since 11th century!

Awesome joke.

[mike]

An anecdote allegedly told by Metropolitan Kallistos:

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

[LBK]

An anecdote allegedly told by Metropolitan Kallistos:

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

I'll raise ya (and this is a true story, not a joke):

A newly-assigned priest was visiting all the houses in the neighborhood to introduce himself. If nobody was home, he'd leave a card with his details, and this, written on it: Rev. 3: 20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

A couple of days later, the priest found a card in his mailbox, with nothing on it but a scripture reference: Gen. 3:10. He went inside, and looked it up: I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

[PeterTheAleut]

An anecdote allegedly told by Metropolitan Kallistos:

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

I'll raise ya (and this is a true story, not a joke):

A newly-assigned priest was visiting all the houses in the neighborhood to introduce himself. If nobody was home, he'd leave a card with his details, and this, written on it: Rev. 3: 20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

A couple of days later, the priest found a card in his mailbox, with nothing on it but a scripture reference: Gen. 3:10. He went inside, and looked it up: I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

Back when I was in the business of delivering pizzas, we had this one customer who, when we delivered a pizza to him, would hide behind his door because he was naked from the waist down. Kinda freaked out our female drivers. I'm not kidding.

[Asteriktos]

[mike]

Back when I was in the business of delivering pizzas, we had this one customer who, when we delivered a pizza to him, would hide behind his door because he was naked from the waist down. Kinda freaked out our female drivers. I'm not kidding.

Renting a flat on the 1st floor I'm trying to stop practicing the custom of having a breakfast in underwear (I sleep that way). The looks elderly ladies give me from the windows are kinda disturbing.

[lord doog]

Ambiguity: what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.




What is the best way to hold on to insulation?
      -asbestos you can!

[Fabio Leite]

That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish.

Ha! I always thought that "Superman" sounds like a Jewish surname. Shlomo Batman, a Gotham millionaire of a family that owns half the city's industry. Yup, now it all makes sense.

C'mon, his kryptonian name is Kal-El, of the El family. His father is Jor-El. "El" is actually a word for God and its use as a suffix is common in angel names: Mika-el, Rapha-el, Uri-el, Gabri-el.

[Fabio Leite]

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've  ruined everything"!

I know a version of that with slightly different wording. Same first part, then...

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who never erred be the first to throw a stone at her.”

A Portuguese (or any stereotype who plays the silly role in your culture) then throws a brick at her, crushing her skull. Jesus then asked him "Manuel, have you never erred?" He replied: "Not from this distance Lord"

[Gunnarr]

More Greek Orthodox humor (this from Doreen)


IOC Announces New Games for Athens Olympics


ATHENS, Greece -- As construction crews prepare the ground for the
2004 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee is putting
finishing touches on a new set of games for this Orthodox city:

Liturgical Olympics.

Here are some of the top sports:

Russians are the favorites in the Censer Swing, a gymnastic sport
of timing and grace, in which priests and deacons compete to make
the most intricate formations with the smoke and movement of the
censer. Points off for setting vestments on fire.

Georgians and Bulgarians are expected to be top competitors in the
Long Note: a track and field event to see who can hold a note the
longest. There are individual, team and relay heats. Points off for
flatting.

Greeks are taking top odds in Speed Liturgy, another track and
field event, in which priest, deacon and choir compete for the
speediest liturgy. Judges will be listening carefully to see if
anything is left out.

It's an open field in Altar Boy Synchronization, in which teams of
altar servers move in synchronized motion with candles, icons, fans
and censers. Nike and Adidas are in a bidding war over who will
provide team shoes.

Americans are expected to be major contenders in Canon Tossing and
the heavier-weight Anathema Hurling. There will be individual, team
and relay heats in this event as well, with points off for players
hitting their own teams and fans.

Other events will include Bishop Vesting, High Note, Low Note and
Countertenor, and Distance Sprinkling.

Excitement is building as Orthodox Olympians around the world
prepare for these events.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

This joke is from Onion Dome, which is no longer available. Doreen of Psalm Notes quoted it.
http://www.theoniondome.com/2004/01/30/jb/

this is my favorite 

[Asteriktos]

Engineers on a train
Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.
 
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
 
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket! After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.
 
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."

[dcommini]

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

[Asteriktos]

John Smith invited his mother over for dinner, and during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate Sarah was. Mrs. Smith had long suspected a relationship between John and Sarah, and this only made her more curious.
 
Over the course of the evening the suspicions of Mrs. Smith started to become obvious to John. Reading his mom's thoughts, John said abruptly: “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Sarah and I are just roommates”.
 
About a week later, Sarah said to John: “Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose your mother took it do you?” John said, “Well I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure”.
 
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
 
Several days later, John received an email from his mother that read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sarah, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sarah, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[Jetavan]

Two guys are painting the ceiling of a Catholic church when they look down and see a little old lady kneeling in deep prayer, eyes closed. One of the painters, being mischievous, says in a deep voice, "Lady, This is Jesus speaking to you." Nothing happens, so he says again, "Woman, this is Jesus speaking to you." Finally the lady, still in prayer, eyes closed, says, "Shut up! I'm speaking to your Mother!"

[lovesupreme]

(This one can be interchanged with the Roman Catholic equivalents)

At a Conservative Jewish wedding, the bride is pregnant


At a Reform Jewish wedding, the rabbi is pregnant


At an Orthodox Jewish wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.