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Author Topic: Bad joke  (Read 33806 times) Average Rating: 0
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GammaRay
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« Reply #45 on: January 01, 2010, 05:52:23 PM »

 Grin
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. Tongue
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« Reply #46 on: January 03, 2010, 10:00:57 AM »

empty post
« Last Edit: January 03, 2010, 10:10:06 AM by mike » Logged
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« Reply #47 on: January 03, 2010, 03:12:58 PM »

empty post
Ouch. Was it going to be this bad [a joke]? Undecided
« Last Edit: January 03, 2010, 03:14:22 PM by GammaRay » Logged

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« Reply #48 on: January 03, 2010, 03:26:40 PM »

empty post
Ouch. Was it going to be this bad [a joke]? Undecided

It wasn't actually a joke, but a wikipedia article. Very funny (at least for me), but full of bad words. I reconsidered that and deleted it.
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« Reply #49 on: January 03, 2010, 08:48:39 PM »

Grin
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. Tongue

Perhaps.  Do you think that may be the source for "Holy Laughter" often practiced in pentacostal denominations?  Grin
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« Reply #50 on: January 12, 2010, 05:16:46 PM »

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!".
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« Reply #51 on: January 30, 2010, 08:08:48 PM »

A pious an rich man has bequeathed a high amount of money, where Monks will be praying for him exactly for the half of the time there is left for the Final Judgement. There were many candidates, but no one could prove that they will be praying for that time, because no one knows the date. Finally one Monastery received the money: Monks there will be praying for the benefactor every two days.

A rich man approached a Monk and said he would have given him 100$ if the Monk said where exactly does God live. The Monk replied: I'll give you 200$ when you say where God does not live!

A rich man entered a sauna in a hotel with two young women. He ordered drinks and some food and said to a waiter: Remember I want the salad with oil, not mayonnaise. There is Great Lent!
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« Reply #52 on: February 16, 2010, 06:21:37 PM »

Just saw this one on TV and thought it was imminently worthy of the title "bad joke"...

"When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds" - Woody Paige
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« Reply #53 on: February 17, 2010, 09:04:55 AM »



Russia: the only one country in the world, where the end of the world will take place two times: according to the new style and the old one

source
« Last Edit: February 17, 2010, 09:05:17 AM by mike » Logged
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« Reply #54 on: February 23, 2010, 02:28:23 PM »

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« Reply #55 on: April 12, 2010, 11:29:52 PM »

My sister recently sent me this one, and as a lover of corny/bad humor, I really liked it. I apologize if someone finds it offensive, I'm just going to reproduce it in the form that it was emailed to me...

Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees
 
Ees
 
Ees
 
Ees

Ees a ham bush....!"
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« Reply #56 on: May 03, 2010, 01:48:42 AM »

I don't know if I've told this one on OC.net, and it is better told verbally but anyway...

Three ropes walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "hey, we don't serve your kind here". So the ropes walk out of the bar, and one of the ropes says "I have an idea. Twist me around a bit, and tear at my edges. That's it. Now make my ends all messy. Good, good. Now twist me all around myself." Then the rope walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "aren't you that rope that I just threw out?"  The rope looks around, as though he's not sure who the bartender is talking to, and then says "No, I'm afraid not".

Get it? Afraid not. A frayed knot.  Tongue
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« Reply #57 on: May 03, 2010, 02:52:40 AM »

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Orthodox don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
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« Reply #58 on: May 03, 2010, 04:09:42 AM »

This is Heaven.  This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, have died in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter takes them to their mansion, which is decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooh and aaah" the old man asks Peter how much all this is going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replies, "this is Heaven."

Next they go to see the championship golf course that the home backs on  to. They will have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changes to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asks, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's replies, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they go to the clubhouse and see the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asks the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replies.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asks timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like, whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looks at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!


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« Reply #59 on: May 03, 2010, 06:55:07 AM »

This is Heaven.  This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, have died in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter takes them to their mansion, which is decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooh and aaah" the old man asks Peter how much all this is going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replies, "this is Heaven."

Next they go to see the championship golf course that the home backs on  to. They will have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changes to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asks, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's replies, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they go to the clubhouse and see the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asks the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replies.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asks timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like, whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looks at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!



Eat right. Exercise. Die anyways.
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« Reply #60 on: May 26, 2010, 05:00:58 PM »

Neither bad, nor joke but still funny.

A priest after the last in this academic year meeting of theological discussion group: Thank you for the opportunity to see some women in trousers instead of men in black dresses as I'm used to.
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« Reply #61 on: May 26, 2010, 05:49:00 PM »

Q: What do you call a gay Arian?
A: A homoisexual.
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« Reply #62 on: August 02, 2010, 08:39:18 AM »

A small village on Caucasus. A Priest covered with blood and out of wind enters a mosque during Friday's prayer and asks:
- Is there any brave Moslem?
After a few seconds of consternation a muscled one Moslem gets up and comes forward. They exit the mosque. The Priest explains his problem:
- We had a feast yesterday and we drank a bit. Today my wife asked me to slaughter a ram but I managed only to cut him a bit. He splashed everything with blood, is running on my yard. I won't caught him by myself. My wife suggested to ask you for help as you, Muslims, don't drink.
They went to the Priest's but they did not manage to caught the ram either. They got covered in blood only. The Moslem said:
- We won't succeed. Go to the mosque and ask one more man for help.
The Priest entered the mosque, more covered with blood and out of breath than before and... alone. He asks:
- Is there any brave Moslem?
After a few seconds of consternation the oldest Moslem stands before the crowd and kneels in front of the Priest:
- You've slaughtered the last one. Now we all are ready for baptism.

« Last Edit: August 02, 2010, 08:40:24 AM by mike » Logged
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« Reply #63 on: October 08, 2010, 01:22:01 AM »



[Telephone Rings]
John: Hello?
Peter: Hey, ah, this is, ah, Peter Zookie.
John: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Peter: Yeah, this is, ah, Pete!
John: I'm not sure... uh...
Peter: You don't remember me, huh? What about my sister Susan?
John: Er... not ringing a bell, no...
Peter: You don't remember Suzy?
John: Not really, no...
Peter: Sue!
John: Look...
Peter: You've never heard of Sue Zookie? Sue Zookie! Vroom vroom!
[click]
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« Reply #64 on: October 08, 2010, 02:19:27 AM »

A Protestant preacher was completing a temperance sermon on why Christians  should avoid alcohol. In concluding  he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood up and announced with a slight smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 777: "Shall We Gather at the River."
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« Reply #65 on: October 08, 2010, 05:28:32 AM »

(completely not mine)

A: It must suck being Catholic and Gay.

B: Not as much as a vampire being a Jehovah's witness.

And this is hte greatest joke in existence.

A:whats up?

B:the roof.
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« Reply #66 on: October 08, 2010, 06:44:29 AM »

An Orthodox priest, a RC priest and a prosperity theology pastor walk into a bar and start discussing how they make the share of the donations of the faithful.

The Orthodox priest said: "I take all the money with me near the altar and I throw it all up in the air. What God provides to fall on the altar is His, what falls on the floor is mine, the unworthy."

The RC priest replied: "Oh, I do something similar. I go near the altar with the money, throw it up in the air and what falls on the altar I take for me because it's usually less. What falls on the floor is God's."

The prosperity theology pastor then decided to share his own technique... : "Well friends, what I do looks like that too. I go near the altar with the money and throw it up in the air. What God wants He grabs, what falls down is mine."
« Last Edit: October 08, 2010, 06:45:29 AM by Fabio Leite » Logged

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« Reply #67 on: October 23, 2010, 11:26:34 PM »

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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« Reply #68 on: October 31, 2010, 01:27:39 PM »

Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
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« Reply #69 on: October 31, 2010, 05:02:08 PM »

A priest dies, and is greeted by St. Peter: "verything's much as you believed, except that you actually get to see both places and decide where you'll spend eternity."

"Oh, let's start with Heaven.  I've waited my whole life to see it."  After a quick tour, the priest announces his pleasure, to which Peter replies "Oh yes, we've worked hard on this place.  Everything here is quite perfect, of course.  For example, all of our policemen are British; our cooks are French, and our mechanics are German."

"Well, what's the other place like?"

"It kinda looks similar, except there, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics, and the British do the cooking."
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« Reply #70 on: October 31, 2010, 05:24:36 PM »

Grin
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. Tongue
Seeking inspiration, a man decided to open a New Testament to a random page and apply the first verse he sees to his life.
"Judas went out and hanged himself."
Unsure of how it was relevant to him, the man repeated the process.
"Go therefore and do likewise."
Rather nervous, the man opened his Bible again.
"What you will do, do quickly."
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« Reply #71 on: October 31, 2010, 10:45:20 PM »

A priest dies, and is greeted by St. Peter: "verything's much as you believed, except that you actually get to see both places and decide where you'll spend eternity."

"Oh, let's start with Heaven.  I've waited my whole life to see it."  After a quick tour, the priest announces his pleasure, to which Peter replies "Oh yes, we've worked hard on this place.  Everything here is quite perfect, of course.  For example, all of our policemen are British; our cooks are French, and our mechanics are German."

"Well, what's the other place like?"

"It kinda looks similar, except there, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics, and the British do the cooking."

You missed out the Italians and Swiss: In heaven, the lovers are Italian, the organisers are
 Swiss. In hell, these are reversed.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2010, 10:45:54 PM by LBK » Logged
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« Reply #72 on: November 11, 2010, 05:12:52 PM »

If you put a quarter in each ear, what are you listening to? Fifty Cent!
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« Reply #73 on: November 11, 2010, 08:01:08 PM »

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born at Auburn?

A: Because when Jesus was born, there were three wise men and a virgin.


Selam
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« Reply #74 on: November 11, 2010, 09:06:45 PM »

This is very funny.
http://europa.eu/old-address.htm
Onward, Europe,
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« Reply #75 on: November 13, 2010, 04:47:17 PM »

True story:

A Roman Catholic an Eastern Orthodox meet:

RC: Can you tell me the differences between our Churches?
EO: Well, so we don't believe in filiouque, Papal infallibility...
RC: What Huh
EO: We don't believe in that.
< five minutes of thinking>
RC: So according to you, who is the Father?
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« Reply #76 on: November 17, 2010, 07:39:16 AM »

(true story)

One day during an arguement, my wife yelled at me "That's it, I'm leaving you"

I laughed, and said "You'll never leave me"

"Oh yeah" she said "Why not?"

"Because you don't want me to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



The other day I bought the older boy an I Pad, and he was thrilled. Last week I bought the younger boy an I Phone, and he was over the moon. So I decided to buy the Mrs an I Ron, and now she won't talk to me!!!
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« Reply #77 on: November 17, 2010, 09:15:30 AM »

The other day I bought the older boy an I Pad, and he was thrilled. Last week I bought the younger boy an I Phone, and he was over the moon. So I decided to buy the Mrs an I Ron, and now she won't talk to me!!!

That's my kinda joke!  Grin
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« Reply #78 on: November 19, 2010, 02:56:03 AM »

The other day I bought the older boy an I Pad, and he was thrilled. Last week I bought the younger boy an I Phone, and he was over the moon. So I decided to buy the Mrs an I Ron, and now she won't talk to me!!!

That's my kinda joke!  Grin

Well, does she at least use it?? Wink
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« Reply #79 on: December 11, 2010, 07:02:57 PM »

- Special thanks to female students of regent school who thanks to their appearance and behaviour helped students of seminary to choose the path of monasticism.

Two people meet on a train. After some introductory chat, they discover both are Orthodox and of Russian descent.
Vlad: Old Calendar or New Calendar?
Alex: Old.
Vlad: Very good. Do you have a three-hour Vigil in church every Saturday night and before every holy day, even if the holy day is on a Monday?
Alex: Yes.
Vlad: Excellent. Pews or no pews?
Alex: No.
Vlad: Clean-shaven or bearded priest?
Alex: Bearded.
Vlad: Does he wear his cassock and cross on the street?
Alex: Da.
Vlad: Is your jurisdiction ecumenist or non-ecumenist?
Alex: Non.
Vlad: Do you have an old-man Trinity icon?
Alex: Uh, yes.
Vlad: Aha! Heretic!

OK, how many Russian Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Orthodoxy never changes, and, in addition to burning candles like the Catholics, uses oil-burning lamps. ‘Electricity is for those Gregorian calendar-using, liberal ecumenist jurisdictions.’

There were 4 shrines in a town: an Orthodox Church, a RC Church, a synagogue and a Protestant Church. Each of the shrines was invaded by the squirrels. They were fussing during the services, fouling etc so in each Parish people were thinking how to ged rid of them. In a RC Parish they gently asked the squirrels to go out (after Vatican II) it was inappropriate to act harsher). The squirrels ignored the request and eventually one of them bit through the electricity cables and the Church burned down. In a Protestant Church they did nothing. The squirrels were sent by God and it was predesignated. Eventually one of them bit through the electricity cables and the Church burned down. In the synagogue they performed on squirrels a funny tricky rite called 'circumcision'. The angered squirrels left the synagogue but one of them bit through the electricity cables while leaving and the synagogue burned down. And what was done in the Orthodox Church? In the Orthodox Church the squirrels were baptised and chrismated and since then they had been seen there only on Pascha and the Nativity.
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« Reply #80 on: February 06, 2011, 06:55:02 PM »

There was a monk living in Palestine for 13 years, and he still had problems with even the most basic of tasks. Finally the abbot asked him what his problem was.  The monk answered: I think it's because, even after all this time, I'm still Anub.
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« Reply #81 on: February 06, 2011, 07:19:33 PM »

How do we know that they had automobiles in the 1st century? Because the Bible says that the Apostles were "all in one Accord".
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« Reply #82 on: February 07, 2011, 08:17:32 AM »

There was a monk living in Palestine for 13 years, and he still had problems with even the most basic of tasks. Finally the abbot asked him what his problem was.  The monk answered: I think it's because, even after all this time, I'm still Anub.

hehe...i think that's a online gamer inside joke Wink
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« Reply #83 on: February 07, 2011, 08:18:27 AM »

How do we know that they had automobiles in the 1st century? Because the Bible says that the Apostles were "all in one Accord".

That's awesome! They must have made them alot more roomier back then  laugh
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« Reply #84 on: February 07, 2011, 06:31:53 PM »

Grin
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. Tongue
Seeking inspiration, a man decided to open a New Testament to a random page and apply the first verse he sees to his life.
"Judas went out and hanged himself."
Unsure of how it was relevant to him, the man repeated the process.
"Go therefore and do likewise."
Rather nervous, the man opened his Bible again.
"What you will do, do quickly."
A decidedly less dark variation on the joke:
A man, deep in debt, was at a loss for how to handle his financial situation. For the first time in a long time, he steps into a church and had a conversation with the pastor. After hearing the circumstances, the pastor was at a loss as to how to handle them. He told the man to close his eyes, pray for guidance, open his Bible, point his finger and read it. By the grace of God, what he pointed at would be just what he needed to read. The next time the pastor saw the man, he was driving a Cadillac and wearing a Ralph Lauren suit. Baffled that his half-hearted advice was successful, the pastor asked the man just what words he had pointed at. "Chapter 11" smiled the man.
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"Some have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at pleasure, so as to produce the effect of singing."- St. Augustine of Hippo

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Paint It Red


« Reply #85 on: February 07, 2011, 07:11:04 PM »

An Orthodox priest, a RC priest and a prosperity theology pastor walk into a bar and start discussing how they make the share of the donations of the faithful.

The Orthodox priest said: "I take all the money with me near the altar and I throw it all up in the air. What God provides to fall on the altar is His, what falls on the floor is mine, the unworthy."

The RC priest replied: "Oh, I do something similar. I go near the altar with the money, throw it up in the air and what falls on the altar I take for me because it's usually less. What falls on the floor is God's."

The prosperity theology pastor then decided to share his own technique... : "Well friends, what I do looks like that too. I go near the altar with the money and throw it up in the air. What God wants He grabs, what falls down is mine."
ROFL
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“There is your brother, naked, crying, and you stand there confused over the choice of an attractive floor covering.”

– St. Ambrose of Milan
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« Reply #86 on: February 07, 2011, 08:14:14 PM »

Thank you all, I haven't heard the sound of crickets in a long time.
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Ignorance is not a lack, but a passion.
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« Reply #87 on: February 07, 2011, 08:58:26 PM »

There was once an elderly rich Greek man that had two sons. He asked his two sons to put all of his cash money in the casket with him when he dies. Because the sons loved the father so much. The sons agreed. When the day had finally come. His sons looked at all the cash and the eldest said to his younger brother. Instead of the cash lets write a check and put it in the casket instead of the cash. This way we will know for sure that there is a heaven when the check clears. The younger brother smiled and agreed. So they cut a check and used the cash.
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Excellence of character, then, is a state concerned with choice, lying in a mean relative to us, this being determined by reason and in the way in which the man of practical wisdom would determine it. Now it is a mean between two vices, that which depends on excess and that which depends on defect.
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« Reply #88 on: March 10, 2011, 04:17:36 PM »

- How often do Orthodox Christians take showers during Lent?
- Orthodox Christians don't take showers during Lent. They purify themselves with a hyssop instead.
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Justin Kissel
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« Reply #89 on: March 10, 2011, 05:34:49 PM »

Thank you all, I haven't heard the sound of crickets in a long time.

Well, it was a long winter, and spring time is approaching, so that makes sense (wocka wocka wocka!)
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