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Author Topic: Bad joke  (Read 33293 times) Average Rating: 0
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« on: August 03, 2009, 07:03:08 AM »

For some of you it can be considered insulting, but I do not want to insult anyone and only write it for fun. I've heard it from an EO Deacon, who heard it from a RC Priest.

As it's summer Holy Trinity gathers to discuss where to spend holidays.
- Let's go to the Egypt. - proposed God the Son - there are plenty of beautiful pyramids. I remember I enjoyed them when I was there as a Child.
- No way! - said God the Father - there is boiling hot. I'm old and bearded and it will be to hard for Me to stand it. Let's go to Palestine.
- I disagree. - said God the Son - It brings back bad memories for me. What about Rome? It's very popular now.
- Yes! Yes! - shouted God the Holy Spirit in a figure of a Dove, flapping It's wings with enthusiasm - I've not been there since 11th century!
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« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2009, 09:05:40 AM »

HAHAHA This is brilliant, I absolutely love it Cheesy
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« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2009, 09:14:40 AM »

Hahaha! Although it's a bit of blasphemous for God, it's perfect for Rome. Cheesy
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« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2009, 03:40:01 AM »



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« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2009, 02:27:31 PM »

For some of you it can be considered insulting, but I do not want to insult anyone and only write it for fun. I've heard it from an EO Deacon, who heard it from a RC Priest.

As it's summer Holy Trinity gathers to discuss where to spend holidays.
- Let's go to the Egypt. - proposed God the Son - there are plenty of beautiful pyramids. I remember I enjoyed them when I was there as a Child.
- No way! - said God the Father - there is boiling hot. I'm old and bearded and it will be to hard for Me to stand it. Let's go to Palestine.
- I disagree. - said God the Son - It brings back bad memories for me. What about Rome? It's very popular now.
- Yes! Yes! - shouted God the Holy Spirit in a figure of a Dove, flapping It's wings with enthusiasm - I've not been there since 11th century!
Even I had to chuckle at this one. I guess it could be rewritten for Traditionalist Catholic audiences.
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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2009, 10:30:18 PM »

Love the Mormon one as well. Then there are the Jehovahs Witnesses who made their own novel format, but changed it from the movie.
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« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2009, 04:46:21 AM »

Georgian toast:

A Priest once went to a beach to have a little of sunbathing and swimming in the Black Sea. There weren't any people around so he stripped naked and only covered his family jewels with his hat. After a while two young women appeared on the beach and realised that he is a Priest. They come to him and asked for a blessing. He stood up and blessed them with right hand, holding the hat with the left hand. Evil women asked him for a blessing with the left hand so he switched his hands. Finally Eve's descendands asked him for a blessing with both hands and he did that.

So let's drink for a hand that was holding the hat!
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« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2009, 08:32:27 AM »

Oh. Well. Hah. Tongue
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« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2009, 12:16:20 PM »

How do you open windows in the church?


Click on any Icon. laugh

*Note: Not approved for iconoclasts*

-Nick
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« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2009, 02:16:12 PM »

How do you open windows in the church?


Click on any Icon. laugh

*Note: Not approved for iconoclasts*

-Nick

It's very silly and that makes it funny Cheesy
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« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2009, 05:42:07 PM »

How do you open windows in the church?


Click on any Icon. laugh

*Note: Not approved for iconoclasts*

-Nick

LOVE IT!!  laugh laugh laugh
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« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2009, 09:43:10 AM »

Awesome, Nick! Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
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« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2009, 06:59:33 PM »

EO-RC theologists debate:

RC theologian: In the Bible there are many quotes supporting our dogma of Peter's primacy, but is there any verse supporting your theory that decisions were made by the Apostles collectively?

EO theologian: Mark 14, 50.

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« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2009, 07:03:40 PM »

EO-RC theologists debate:

RC theologian: In the Bible there are many quotes supporting our dogma of Peter's primacy, but is there any verse supporting your theory that decisions were made by the Apostles collectively?

EO theologian: Mark 14, 50.



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« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2009, 12:38:20 AM »

REPLY TO REPLY #12

Acts 15: 1-35 , "The Council in Jerusalem," is thought to be the president for episcopal assemblies and conciliar resolution of disputes within the church, I think.  I recall also, note that St. James, the local bishop, of Jerusalem, presided over this council, even though, both Sts. Peter and Paul, are called the "Chief Apostles," by the church.

Also, note that St. Peter did not select the apostle to replace Judas, but the Apostles gathered together and chose Mathias by lot.
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« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2009, 08:00:30 AM »

It was a joke only. As I see not funny for most of you, but do not treat it seriously.
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« Reply #16 on: November 03, 2009, 11:09:02 AM »

*slowly creeps out from the corner*
I liked it...
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« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2009, 11:19:20 AM »

I thought it was pretty good too.

-Nick
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« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2009, 03:08:34 PM »

The importance of memorizing Scripture.

An elderly woman who lived alone was robbed one night.  Hearing noises, she went down stairs and saw a burglar in the dark taking some of her things.  She then said, in a loud voice, "Stop!  Acts 2:38."  The burglar froze and just stood there looking at her direction.  THe woman got out her cell phone, dialed 911 and the police came and arrested the burglar.  The arresting officer then asked the burglar why he didn't just run after he saw her.  THe burglar said, "Are you kidding?  She had an ax and two 38s!"
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« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2009, 09:44:07 AM »

An elderly woman who lived alone was robbed one night.  Hearing noises, she went down stairs and saw a burglar in the dark taking some of her things.  She then said, in a loud voice, "Stop!  Acts 2:38."  The burglar froze and just stood there looking at her direction.  THe woman got out her cell phone, dialed 911 and the police came and arrested the burglar.  The arresting officer then asked the burglar why he didn't just run after he saw her.  THe burglar said, "Are you kidding?  She had an ax and two 38s!"
Awe-some. Shocked Grin
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« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2009, 12:52:58 PM »

I liked this one.

A tall, lean man with a huge beard dressed in white linen tunic and wearing the Muslim "chalma" hat looks out from a cave in a desert. Two neatly dressed Jehovah's Witnesses stand near the cave, one of them saying to the man, "Would you like to study the Bible with us?"

The sign over this cartoon says, "And you thought nobody would ever find Bin Laden!"
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« Reply #21 on: November 10, 2009, 08:12:39 AM »

I liked this one.

A tall, lean man with a huge beard dressed in white linen tunic and wearing the Muslim "chalma" hat looks out from a cave in a desert. Two neatly dressed Jehovah's Witnesses stand near the cave, one of them saying to the man, "Would you like to study the Bible with us?"

The sign over this cartoon says, "And you thought nobody would ever find Bin Laden!"

LOL!!  laugh
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« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2009, 08:54:05 AM »

A rabbi a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "hey is this some kind of joke?"
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« Reply #23 on: November 10, 2009, 09:13:12 AM »

There was an elderly Christian woman living next to an atheist.  Every day she would venture out onto her front porch, and give praise by shouting, "Glory to God!"  And each day, the atheist would hear it and shout back, "there is no God!"  This pattern continued for years.

When the elderly woman fell on hard times, it became difficult for her to keep up with expenses.  She continued, though, to give praise each day.  One day, she was going to run out of food and didn't have any money to purchase groceries.  She went out onto her porch and prayed to the Lord for food, and then finished with her usual, "Glory to God!"

The next morning, the woman went out to her porch, and found sitting there a bag of groceries.  She exclaimed, "Glory to God, who has given me food to eat!"  Suddenly, though, the atheist jumped out from a nearby bush and said, "Aha!  I have bought you those groceries - there is no God!"  The woman paused, and then cried out very loudly, "Glory to God!  You have not only provided me with food, but you've mad the devil pay for it!"

(Yes, that joke kicked off my stewardship sermon...)
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« Reply #24 on: November 10, 2009, 09:16:24 AM »

Q: How do you get a history major off your porch?

A: Pay for the pizza.


Q What do you call a med student who graduates last in his class?

A “Doctor.”
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« Reply #25 on: November 10, 2009, 03:35:02 PM »

Q: How do you get a history major off your porch?

A: Pay for the pizza.


Q What do you call a med student who graduates last in his class?

A “Doctor.”


  Cry to the first one,  Shocked to the second
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« Reply #26 on: November 18, 2009, 09:34:05 AM »

Thanks to a friend...it's a cool one. Tongue

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won. “I haven’t a clue,” said the rabbi. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said the rabbi. “We broke for lunch."
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« Reply #27 on: November 18, 2009, 09:57:01 AM »

GammaRay, perfect Cheesy

Mine:

Jesus, while traveling with His Discpiples out of sudden said:
- y=3x^2-5x+7
- What is He talking about? - John asked his older brother?
- For me it looks like some kind of parable - James answered.
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« Reply #28 on: November 18, 2009, 12:45:44 PM »

^ I think you mean to say parabola.
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« Reply #29 on: November 18, 2009, 02:49:54 PM »

Mike, let me suggest an improvement or two to your delivery:

Jesus, while traveling with His Discpiples out of sudden said y=3x^2-5x+7
"What is He talking about?" John asked his older brother.
James answered, "I don't know.  Sounds like another one of his parabolas!"
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« Reply #30 on: November 18, 2009, 03:12:26 PM »

Speaking of bad jokes, here is another.

A burglar breaks into a house at night. As he quietly creeps across the floor he suddenly hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you!".

He stops dead still and listens, but he doesn't hear anything.

He shines his flashlight around the room and he doesn't see anyone.

He takes another step. Again he hears "You better be careful, Jesus is watching you!"

Again he stops and remains still. Nothing. He takes another step..

"Oh ho, you're in trouble now. Jesus is watching you!"

He shines his flashlight around the room again. This time in the upper corner of the room he sees a parrot on a perch. The parrot says, "I told you to be careful, Jesus is watching you!"

He goes up to the parrot and shines his light in its face.

"Who are you?", he asks.

"Fishbowl" the parrot replies.

"What fool would name their parrot fishbowl?" he asks the parrot.

"The same fool that named his killer rotteweiler Jesus" the parrot answers.
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« Reply #31 on: November 18, 2009, 03:55:52 PM »

Okay, I had to google the word parabola. Embarrassed
I've only heard that word once...from Tool, hah.

Second Chance, it's not the joke itself, but the fact that it's very popular and not much of an inside joke. Tongue
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« Reply #32 on: November 18, 2009, 06:26:00 PM »

Mike, let me suggest an improvement or two to your delivery:

Thanks, Father.
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« Reply #33 on: November 19, 2009, 05:26:25 AM »

Mike, let me suggest an improvement or two to your delivery:

Jesus, while traveling with His Discpiples out of sudden said y=3x^2-5x+7
"What is He talking about?" John asked his older brother.
James answered, "I don't know.  Sounds like another one of his parabolas!"


 Cheesy keep em comin'!
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« Reply #34 on: November 24, 2009, 03:03:09 PM »

A rabbi a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "hey is this some kind of joke?"

 laugh

I was cracking up after reading this.
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« Reply #35 on: December 19, 2009, 01:34:08 PM »

More bad jokes!!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree???
A. Because it was dead!!

A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "What? A drink named Fred??"

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
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« Reply #36 on: December 19, 2009, 02:59:06 PM »

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
To which a barfly replies, "Because he's a horse, you idiot."


In feudal Japan, the shogun summoned a Japanese swordsman, a Chinese swordsman and a Jewish swordsman to his court. He wanted to see which of these three was the best swordsman by making them strike a fly in mid flight.

The Japanese swordsman drew his sword. His fly fell down in two pieces.

The Chinese swordsman drew his sword in a flourish. His fly fell down in eight pieces.

The Jewish swordsman drew his sword and struck the fly. But the fly escaped.


The shogun was puzzled by the Jewish swordsman. "Sir, you did not kill your fly."
To which the Jewish swordsman replied, "My lord, circumcision is not lethal."
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« Reply #37 on: December 19, 2009, 03:05:28 PM »

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
To which a barfly replies, "Because he's a horse, you idiot."


In feudal Japan, the shogun summoned a Japanese swordsman, a Chinese swordsman and a Jewish swordsman to his court. He wanted to see which of these three was the best swordsman by making them strike a fly in mid flight.

The Japanese swordsman drew his sword. His fly fell down in two pieces.

The Chinese swordsman drew his sword in a flourish. His fly fell down in eight pieces.

The Jewish swordsman drew his sword and struck the fly. But the fly escaped.


The shogun was puzzled by the Jewish swordsman. "Sir, you did not kill your fly."
To which the Jewish swordsman replied, "My lord, circumcision is not lethal."

haha  Cheesy
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« Reply #38 on: December 19, 2009, 05:46:38 PM »

Four Orthodox ladies are having tea together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father’." 


The second Orthodox woman brags, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." 



The third Orthodox woman says smugly, "My son is the Metropolitan. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Orthodox woman sips her tea in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" 


She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard-bodied steel worker. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
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« Reply #39 on: December 19, 2009, 06:01:19 PM »

More bad jokes!!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree???
A. Because it was dead!!

A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "What? A drink named Fred??"

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
Two men walk into a bar.  You'd think the second one would have ducked.
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« Reply #40 on: December 20, 2009, 12:32:41 AM »

One Sunday, the Cardinals were shocked to find out that the Holy Father was not present to give his sermon, as was ordinarily his custom. So they sent out three altar boys to find him.

The first returned very quickly and said, "I've searched all over the cathedral, but I can't find the Pope."

The second returned a short time later to report, "I've searched all over the Vatican, but the Pope is nowhere to be seen."

The Cardinals waited in earnest for the third altar boy to return. Finally he came alone, a dejected look on his face. Cardinal Joseph asked the boy, "Well, where is the Holy Father?"

"I found him, Father, but he told me he's sleeping in today."

"Sleeping in? How can he be sleeping in on a Sunday?"

"Well, Father," the boy said anxiously, "he told me he's just too pooped to Pope."
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"It is remarkable that what we call the world...in what professes to be true...will allow in one man no blemishes, and in another no virtue."--Charles Dickens
Fr. David
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« Reply #41 on: December 21, 2009, 01:47:13 AM »

Two old couples were walking out in the park together on a nice, sunny day.  As was their custom, the two men walked ahead of the two women, and each pair carried on their mostly separate conversations.

One man turned to his friend and said, "Oh, you just have to try this new restaurant my wife and I went to the other night.  It's just wonderful."

"Oh, really?" inquired his friend.  "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man though long and hard, his age getting the better of his memory.  "Well, um...oh, shoot...it...it, ummm...well, all right, you know that flower that, it's red, and it starts out all pulled together but later the petals open up into this beautiful red blossom...ah, what's the name of that flower?"

"A rose?" offered his friend, thinking he'd help him along in remembering the name.

His friend's face lit up.  "Yes!  That's it!  Rose!"  And then, turning back to his wife behind him, the man said, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to..."

 Smiley
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Priest in the Orthodox Church in America - ordained on March 18, 2012

Oh Taste and See (my defunct blog)

From Protestant to Orthodox (my conversion story)
Justin Kissel
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that is not the teaching of...


« Reply #42 on: January 01, 2010, 03:50:29 AM »

Not jokes (see my current signature for those), but I always found these Scriptural verses funny, especially if taken out of context...

"and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along" - Judg. 7:13

"Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll." - Zech. 5:1
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PeterTheAleut
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« Reply #43 on: January 01, 2010, 05:16:19 AM »

"Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll." - Zech. 5:1
FOOD FIGHT!!! Shocked
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Ortho_cat
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« Reply #44 on: January 01, 2010, 12:58:23 PM »



"and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along" - Judg. 7:13



Wow, that must have been one hefty loaf of barley bread!  laugh
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