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Author Topic: Bad joke  (Read 29858 times) Average Rating: 0
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Justin Kissel
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« Reply #360 on: November 21, 2013, 03:11:00 AM »

One morning a blonde woman calls her friend and says: "Please come over and help me.  I'm working on a jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "There is a picture of a tiger on the box."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.  She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.  He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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« Reply #361 on: November 28, 2013, 05:24:47 AM »

Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit

Let us attend - kids free-for-all, parents are attending as instructed
God willing - I'll think about it
spiritual discussion - internet forums
earthly cares - stuff I have to do
first time - innovation, second time - normal, third time - tradition

Forgive me - Forget it
Amen - Yes
Christ is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Indeed He is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Heretic - You are wrong
Schismatic - You may be right but I still don't like you
Fool-for-Christ - Insane
Blessed - Second-rate saint
Lord's will be done - Unforeseeable consequences
God will provide - No one else I know will
God repay you - I definitely won't
Elder X says we must do this - I asked Fr X if I could do this and he said I could if I wanted to , and now I'm gonna force everybody else to do it too

for the first time in the history of the Orthodox Church - it most likely took place somewhere but I have not heard of it or do not want to acknowledge it
tradition - period between XVI and XIXth century
« Last Edit: November 28, 2013, 05:28:06 AM by Michał Kalina » Logged

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« Reply #362 on: December 11, 2013, 02:01:20 AM »

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« Reply #363 on: December 12, 2013, 12:59:32 AM »

What do you call a girl who spends hours browsing stores and flirting with all the sales women in an attempt to get deals? Buy-curious. Har har.
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« Reply #364 on: December 12, 2013, 01:41:02 AM »

  A person stepped onto the porch and slipped on the ice caused by the freezing rain.  The person's leg was pretty beat up, so the person went to the doctor.  The doctor asked about what happened, so the person explained what happened.

    The doctor replied, "icy."  Smiley
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« Reply #365 on: December 12, 2013, 01:41:41 AM »



 One of my favorite cartoonists.
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« Reply #366 on: January 21, 2014, 06:49:17 PM »

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« Reply #367 on: January 22, 2014, 02:37:45 AM »

wow and so sad
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« Reply #368 on: January 24, 2014, 10:23:02 PM »

An American missionary arrives at some Near Easter village. He approaches a local and in broken Arabic say:
- Greetings, brother! I come here to tell people of your village about Christ!
- But we know about Christ already.
- Then I will make you Christians!
- But we are already Christians.
- Really? Who did it? Baptists? Adventists? Pentecostals?
- I don't know. I'll ask the elders.
The man starts to talk to a few elderly men that were nearby. He comes back after a while:
- They say it was Paul.
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« Reply #369 on: January 27, 2014, 07:01:01 AM »

From the Church bulletin: "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
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« Reply #370 on: January 31, 2014, 01:30:50 AM »

     An older patient had his annual physical.  He was wondering how he was doing when it was over, so he asked the doctor, “What is the verdict?”
     The doctor replied, “You are not doing too bad, although your triglycerides and cholesterol are a little high.  Remember to watch your diet.”  The patient gave a deep sigh and small groan, but the doctor said, “Ah, it’s not that bad.”  Just remember “a variety of colors.”
     So the patient went home and at a bag of M & Ms.
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« Reply #371 on: February 16, 2014, 06:09:19 PM »

Asked to say something nice about his predecessor, Pope Simplicius scratched his chin, thought for a moment, and then said enthusiastically: "Well no one can deny that he was hilarious".
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« Reply #372 on: February 16, 2014, 06:11:20 PM »

Asked to say something nice about his predecessor, Pope Simplicius scratched his chin, thought for a moment, and then said enthusiastically: "Well no one can deny that he was hilarious".

O felix culpa! 
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« Reply #373 on: February 20, 2014, 04:19:27 PM »

From an email I just received:

Quote
CELL  PHONE ETIQUETTE
 
A commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
 
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
 
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
 
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
 
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
 
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
 
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
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« Reply #374 on: February 20, 2014, 04:28:09 PM »

From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 
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« Reply #375 on: February 20, 2014, 06:08:44 PM »

From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 

Seconded!  Grin
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« Reply #376 on: February 20, 2014, 06:12:25 PM »

From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 

I don't talk on the phone in public because others consider it bad manners, but I never understood why people think of it in that way. How is talking to my mother on the phone different than talking to my mother in the seat next to me? Is it because you can't eavesdrop as easily when the phone is in use?  Grin
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« Reply #377 on: February 20, 2014, 06:58:46 PM »

From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately.  

I don't talk on the phone in public because others consider it bad manners, but I never understood why people think of it in that way. How is talking to my mother on the phone different than talking to my mother in the seat next to me? Is it because you can't eavesdrop as easily when the phone is in use?  Grin

Perhaps those who view use of cell phones in public as a lack of etiquette think that it is rude because they cannot participate, eavesdrop, or hear the other side of the conversation.

Lots of folks view use of a "foreign language" in public as rude, especially when said "foreigners" speak perfectly good English, see you coming, and then revert to Armenian or Spanish.

Once, when a couple reverted to Spanish, I started speaking Spanish to them. You should have seen their red faces!
« Last Edit: February 20, 2014, 07:01:34 PM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #378 on: February 20, 2014, 09:18:02 PM »

How is talking to my mother on the phone different than talking to my mother in the seat next to me? Is it because you can't eavesdrop as easily when the phone is in use?  Grin

No.  When your mom is right next to you, you don't speak as loudly because she's right there.  When people are on the phone, they're usually not as thoughtful.  They act as if their mom is in the neighbour's house across the street and they have to yell at them from the front door.  It's 2014, not 1899.  That is a general principle.  When this takes place in the context of "lovers' quarrels", I really want to wring someone's neck.  I have sympathy when I can tell the person on my end of the call wants to be considerate but the person on the other end doesn't care.  Then I only want to grab the phone and hang it up.

EDIT: I hope the lady in Maria's anecdote said "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed" in the sexiest way possible.  If you're going to do it, do it well. 
« Last Edit: February 20, 2014, 09:20:19 PM by Mor Ephrem » Logged

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« Reply #379 on: February 20, 2014, 09:24:20 PM »

People on the phone louder? You must be around different people  Cool  When I'm on the bus, if pretty much anyone is speaking it's so loud and distracting that I usually give up trying to read and just listen to music.
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« Reply #380 on: February 20, 2014, 09:26:22 PM »

People on the phone louder? You must be around different people  Cool

Perhaps, but I'm not sure.  It's like how people behave differently when they're in their cars and do things (e.g., pick their noses) that they wouldn't do "in public", despite the fact that, within a car, you are surrounded by windows and people can see you. 
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« Reply #381 on: February 20, 2014, 10:00:02 PM »

Huh, well then, maybe I'm just easily distracted  Cool
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« Reply #382 on: February 21, 2014, 12:03:17 AM »

From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 

Seconded!  Grin

I realize that this is a joke thread but I feel I have the responsibility of rejecting both yours and Mor's comments as being horrible in my eyes. I have mentioned this before in this forum that I consider bearing false witness the worst and most destructive of sins. And this is what you are promoting.

I read the joke as following the hapless husband MEME that is so common in sitcoms and a lot of really stupid movies. I am not going to go into detail but the scenario is like this: a man with a controlling and selfish wife who manipulates her husband (this is the mention by her of the blonde in the accounts office). The lady on the train could just have easily told the man to lower his voice. Instead she decides to destroy a caring and loving human being because he accidentally bumped into her barking Bichon frise

No need to reply. I am just recording (potentially for others) why upon reading this that I found it disturbing.
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« Reply #383 on: February 21, 2014, 12:09:03 AM »

OK.
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« Reply #384 on: February 21, 2014, 01:56:10 AM »

OK.

To the Moderators: Hint! Hint!

Maybe my "bad joke" could be split out of this "bad joke" thread, as it seems to have taken on a life of its own.

I admit that I laughed at first at this "bad joke", but then I realized that there are very controlling jealous wives, and if this incident really happened, I would feel sorry for the poor hen-pecked husband. In addition, I would be furious that the eavesdropping woman had the gall to fabricate that lie, and it was a lie, that could destroy this husband who was trying to be faithful. Lord have mercy.
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« Reply #385 on: February 21, 2014, 03:35:51 AM »

From another email:

Quote
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
 
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"  And God said that it was good.
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh... For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"  And God again said that it was good.
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"  And God agreed it was good.
 
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."  But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
 
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
 
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.  If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch..
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« Reply #386 on: February 21, 2014, 03:37:37 AM »

And another email:

Quote
And God created woman.
 
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's a needin' ".

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole darn thing.
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« Reply #387 on: February 21, 2014, 03:39:51 AM »

Take a bus and leave the driving to us:  

Warning: some bad language as they almost go over the cliff.
Mods: I could not listen to this entire video as my computer locked up.
If it is too bad, please move this post into the bad joke thread located in politics.

http://www.20min.ch/ro/videotv/?vid=339276
« Last Edit: February 21, 2014, 03:43:29 AM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #388 on: February 21, 2014, 03:54:11 AM »

Another cute email - and a woman started this one!

Quote
HISTORY OF THE CAR RADIO

Seems like cars have always had radios, but they didn't.
 
Here's the story:

One evening, in 1929, two young men named William Lear and Elmer Wavering
drove their girlfriends to a lookout point high above the
Mississippi River town of Quincy, Illinois, to watch the sunset.

It was a romantic night to be sure, but one of the women observed that
it would be even nicer if they could listen to music in the car.
Lear and Wavering liked the idea. Both men had tinkered with radios (Lear served as a radio operator in
the U.S. Navy during World War I) and it wasn't long before they were
taking apart a home radio and trying to get it to work in a car.

 
But it wasn't easy: automobiles have ignition switches, generators, spark plugs, and other electrical
equipment that generate noisy static interference, making it nearly impossible to listen to the radio when the engine was running.

 
One by one, Lear and Wavering identified and eliminated each source of electrical interference.  When they finally got their radio to work, they took it to a radio convention in Chicago.

 
There they met Paul Galvin, owner of Galvin Manufacturing Corporation.
He made a product called a "battery eliminator", a device that allowed battery-powered radios to
run on household AC current.

 
But as more homes were wired for electricity, more radio manufacturers made AC-powered radios.

 
Galvin needed a new product to manufacture. When he met Lear and Wavering at the radio convention,
he found it.  He believed that mass-produced, affordable car radios had the potential to become a huge business.

Lear and Wavering set up shop in Galvin's factory, and when they perfected their first radio, they installed it in his Studebaker.

Then Galvin went to a local banker to apply for a loan. Thinking it might sweeten the deal,
he had his men install a radio in the banker's Packard.

Good idea, but it didn't work – Half an hour after the installation,
the banker's Packard caught on fire. (They didn't get the loan.)

Galvin didn't give up. He drove his Studebaker nearly
800 miles to Atlantic City to show off the radio at the
1930 Radio Manufacturers Association convention.

 
Too broke to afford a booth, he parked the car outside the convention hall and cranked up the radio so that
passing conventioneers could hear it.
That idea worked -- He got enough orders to put the radio into production.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

That first production model was called the 5T71.

Galvin decided he needed to come up with something a little catchier.
In those days many companies in the phonograph and radio businesses used the suffix "ola" for their names - Radiola, Columbiola, and Victrola were three of the biggest.

Galvin decided to do the same thing, and since his radio was intended for use in a motor vehicle, he decided to call it the Motorola.

But even with the name change, the radio still had problems:
When Motorola went on sale in 1930, it cost about $110 uninstalled, at a time when you could buy a brand-new car for $650, and the country was sliding into the Great Depression.
(By that measure, a radio for a new car would cost about $3,000 today.)

In 1930, it took two men several days to put in a car radio --
The dashboard had to be taken apart so that the receiver and a
single speaker could be installed, and the ceiling had to be cut open to install the antenna.

These early radios ran on their own batteries, not on the car battery,
so holes had to be cut into the floorboard to accommodate them.
 
The installation manual had eight complete diagrams and 28 pages of instructions. Selling complicated car
radios that cost 20 percent of the price of a brand-new car wouldn't
have been easy in the best of times, let alone during the Great Depression –

Galvin lost money in 1930 and struggled for a couple of years after that. But things picked up in 1933 when Ford began offering Motorola's pre-installed at the factory.

In 1934 they got another boost when Galvin struck a deal with
B.F. Goodrich tire company to sell and install them in its chain of tire stores.

By then the price of the radio, with installation included, had dropped to $55. The Motorola car radio was off and running. (The name of the company would be officially changed from Galvin Manufacturing to
"Motorola" in 1947.)

In the meantime, Galvin continued to develop new uses for car radios. In 1936, the same year that it introduced push-button tuning, it also introduced the Motorola Police Cruiser, a standard car radio that was factory preset to a single frequency to pick up police broadcasts.
 
In 1940 he developed the first handheld two-way radio -- The Handy-Talkie – for the U. S. Army.

A lot of the communications technologies that we take for granted today were born in Motorola labs in the years that followed World War II.
 
In 1947 they came out with the first television for under $200.

In 1956 the company introduced the world's first pager; in 1969 came the radio and television equipment that was used to televise Neil Armstrong's first steps on the Moon.

In 1973 it invented the world's first handheld cellular phone.

Today Motorola is one of the largest cell phone manufacturers in the world.

And it all started with the car radio.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
the two men who installed the first radio in Paul Galvin's car?

Elmer Wavering and William Lear, ended up taking very different paths in life.

Wavering stayed with Motorola. In the 1950's he helped change the automobile experience again when
he developed the first automotive alternator, replacing inefficient and unreliable generators. The invention lead to such luxuries as power windows, power seats, and, eventually, air-conditioning.

Lear also continued inventing. He holds more than 150 patents. Remember eight-track tape players? Lear invented that.

But what he's really famous for are his contributions to the field of aviation. He invented radio direction finders for planes, aided in the invention of the autopilot,designed the first fully automatic aircraft landing system, and in 1963 introduced his most famous invention of all, the Lear Jet, the world's first mass-produced, affordable business jet. (Not bad for a guy who dropped out of school after the eighth grade.)

Sometimes it is fun to find out how some of the many things that we take for granted actually came into being! AND It all started with a woman's suggestion!!
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« Reply #389 on: February 21, 2014, 03:56:32 AM »

Another email joke:


Quote
Subject: Try this with the family car today


Bob says that this is a 1920 Dodge.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think you can do this with your family vehicle?


http://www.youtube.com/embed/nq2jY1trxqg?rel=0
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« Reply #390 on: February 21, 2014, 06:06:06 PM »

Why did Evangelical Eli refuse to listen to blues music?

Because he didn't want to lose the joy joy joy joy down in his heart!




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« Reply #391 on: March 12, 2014, 06:06:44 PM »

Patient: 'I think everyone is out to get me.'
Psychiatrist: 'Aren't you being a bit paranoid?'
Patient: 'Of course I'm paranoid: everyone is out to get me!'
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« Reply #392 on: March 26, 2014, 12:29:44 PM »

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« Reply #393 on: May 13, 2014, 03:13:03 PM »

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« Reply #394 on: May 27, 2014, 11:55:25 PM »

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« Reply #395 on: June 01, 2014, 02:54:10 PM »

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« Reply #396 on: June 07, 2014, 11:16:59 PM »

What did the 0 say to the 8? That belt looks really tight!
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« Reply #397 on: June 07, 2014, 11:39:30 PM »

Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom?

 A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.




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« Reply #398 on: June 08, 2014, 12:58:01 PM »

Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom?

 A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.


I thought women liked men who were in tune with their emotions, comfortable with weeping, etc.  Oh well. 
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« Reply #399 on: June 08, 2014, 04:19:31 PM »

What did the 0 say to the 8? That belt looks really tight!

I confess that it took me a real long time to figure this one out and it was right before my eyes.
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« Reply #400 on: June 24, 2014, 04:04:08 PM »

A pickle walks up to the entrance of a night club and tries to go right in. The doorman says, "What makes you think you can just walk in like that?" The pickle respond, "Um, in case you didn't know, I'm sort of a big dill."
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EXTERMINATE!


« Reply #401 on: June 24, 2014, 10:46:29 PM »

During a bank robbery, the robber asks one of the tellers, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The teller replies, "Yes, I did." So the robber shoots him dead.

The robber then asks another man, who is visiting the bank with his wife, the same question, at which point the man says, "No, I didn't see you rob this bank, but my wife did."
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