Michał Kalina
proud Podlachian Belarusian parajournalistic engineer in spe
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OC.net's trickster
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« Reply #90 on: April 06, 2011, 03:20:11 PM » |
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formerly known as mikeDespite being a Polish citizen I am not a Pole.  Long live Belarus! "It's my constitutional right!" |
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jayjay
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« Reply #91 on: April 19, 2011, 12:40:11 AM » |
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Q. WHY DID GOD MAKE ADAM FIRST?
A. TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO SAY SOMETHING WITHOUT BEING INTERUPTED.
Q. WHY DO BRIDES WEAR WHITE?
A. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT COLOUR ALL KITCHEN APPLIANCES COME IN!!
A friend told me that you could tell that the Baptists are getting more and more liberal - now they wave to each other at the liquor store.
Q. Why don't Baptists make love standing up??
A. Because someone might see them and accuse them of dancing.
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Carl Kraeff (Second Chance)
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« Reply #92 on: April 20, 2011, 10:36:51 AM » |
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I am locking this thread until after Pascha because this topic, as much as I enjoy it, seems to be inappropriate for Holy Week. I apologize for being selfish and pray that everybody has a glorious Resurrection. SC
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PeterTheAleut
The Right Blowhard Peter the Furtive of Yetts O'Muckhart
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Exarchos
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Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: OCA
Posts: 26,185
EXTERMINATE!
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« Reply #93 on: April 29, 2011, 05:15:02 PM » |
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Q. How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take, anyway?
A. Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #95 on: April 29, 2011, 10:18:46 PM » |
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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Veniamin
Fire for Effect!
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Archon
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Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: OCA Diocese of the South
Posts: 3,372
St. Barbara, patroness of the Field Artillery
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« Reply #96 on: April 30, 2011, 01:19:48 PM » |
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How many Baptists should you take with you on a fishing trip? Two. If you take one, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, neither will touch it.
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Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl. ~Frederick the Great
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #97 on: May 02, 2011, 01:40:44 AM » |
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Sergei was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Liturgy every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up vodka."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Sergei looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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jayjay
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« Reply #98 on: May 02, 2011, 06:03:58 AM » |
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A woman woke up one night and found her husband wasn't in bed. She walked down stairs, and found him at the kitchen table, sobbing hysterically.
"What's the matter, honey?" she said
He blubbered "Remember all those years ago when we met at the football game, and we hit it off, and we went for a drive to the lake??"
"Why yes" she replied, filling with adoration and love at their first date.
"And remember how we were making out, and then we jumped into the back seat?"
"I do" she said, her eyes filling with tears.
"And remember how your father, the local judge, caught us, and said that if I didn't marry you, he'd sentence me to twenty years in jail?"
"Oh darling, I do, I do" she cried, filled with love.
His sobbing became louder, and his sobs heavier, replying
"I would have got out today!!!!!"
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #99 on: May 19, 2011, 12:54:30 AM » |
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Young Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was. "Horrible!" he said, "a car hit my dog in the ***!" "Rectum," she said, correcting him. "Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!" Very funny joke  , but I still needed to mask the vulgarity to make it appropriate for this forum. I did the best I could to protect the impact of the humor, however. -PtA |
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« Last Edit: May 19, 2011, 02:52:57 AM by PeterTheAleut »
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #100 on: May 19, 2011, 05:26:09 AM » |
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Auburn University's water polo team was expected to have a fantastic season, until tragedy struck: The horses drowned.
Selam
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« Last Edit: May 19, 2011, 05:26:40 AM by Gebre Menfes Kidus »
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #101 on: May 19, 2011, 05:29:49 AM » |
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There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
Selam
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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JimCBrooklyn
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Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: Moscow Patriarchate-Diocese of Saint Petersburg/ROCOR-Diocese of Eastern America and New York
Posts: 569
Если бога нет, то все позволено
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« Reply #102 on: May 19, 2011, 05:32:28 AM » |
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There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
Selam
You UGA or Bama? |
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It is not the task of Christianity to provide easy answers to every question, but to make us progressively aware of a mystery. God is not so much the object of our knowledge as the cause of our wonder.
-Metropolitan Kallistos Ware
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #103 on: May 19, 2011, 05:47:28 AM » |
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There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
Selam
You UGA or Bama? This post should answer your question: http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,10910.msg394330.html#msg394330(BTW, the difference between UGA and The Barn is merely a matter of geography.  ) Selam |
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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JimCBrooklyn
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Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: Moscow Patriarchate-Diocese of Saint Petersburg/ROCOR-Diocese of Eastern America and New York
Posts: 569
Если бога нет, то все позволено
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« Reply #104 on: May 19, 2011, 05:53:01 AM » |
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Well, I assume you know why all the trees in Georgia point west, then? GO DAWGS |
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It is not the task of Christianity to provide easy answers to every question, but to make us progressively aware of a mystery. God is not so much the object of our knowledge as the cause of our wonder.
-Metropolitan Kallistos Ware
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #105 on: May 19, 2011, 06:38:34 AM » |
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Well, I assume you know why all the trees in Georgia point west, then? GO DAWGS No, I don't. I'm afraid to ask, but go ahead... Selam |
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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JimCBrooklyn
Sr. Member
Offline
Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: Moscow Patriarchate-Diocese of Saint Petersburg/ROCOR-Diocese of Eastern America and New York
Posts: 569
Если бога нет, то все позволено
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« Reply #106 on: May 19, 2011, 10:30:09 AM » |
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'Cuz Alabama sucks.
It's a very weak, but very commonly told joke in GA.
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It is not the task of Christianity to provide easy answers to every question, but to make us progressively aware of a mystery. God is not so much the object of our knowledge as the cause of our wonder.
-Metropolitan Kallistos Ware
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That person
Elder
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Faith: Quasi-agnostic Christian Universalist
Jurisdiction: Figuring it out.
Posts: 1,061
Long live Commie Superman
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« Reply #107 on: May 19, 2011, 04:47:43 PM » |
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Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?
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"Some have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at pleasure, so as to produce the effect of singing."- St. Augustine of Hippo
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #108 on: May 20, 2011, 05:05:19 AM » |
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'Cuz Alabama sucks.
It's a very weak, but very commonly told joke in GA.
lol! Selam |
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #109 on: May 20, 2011, 05:05:52 AM » |
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Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?
Of course!  Selam |
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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FrChris
The Rodney Dangerfield of OC.net
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Toumarches
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Faith: Orthodox Christian
Posts: 7,252
Holy Father Patrick, thank you for your help!
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« Reply #110 on: May 20, 2011, 05:10:51 AM » |
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'Cuz Alabama sucks.
It's a very weak, but very commonly told joke in GA.
Huh! I'm used to hearing this: "Why doesn't OH crash into KY?" "Because Michigan sucks!" And when I went to school in KY I heard this a lot: "What is a Buckeye but a useless, poisonous nut!"  |
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« Last Edit: May 20, 2011, 05:11:05 AM by FrChris »
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"As the sparrow flees from a hawk, so the man seeking humility flees from an argument". St John Climacus
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orthonorm
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« Reply #111 on: May 20, 2011, 12:01:58 PM » |
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There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
Selam
First real laugh in this whole thread. I'll be using this one, but changing the Auburn bit. Wish we could share real jokes here . . . |
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« Last Edit: May 20, 2011, 12:06:27 PM by orthonorm »
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We cannot legislate morality by passing laws controlling firearms. The only evil we can combat lies within our hearts. We need stronger laws to protect the moral foundation of society against the evil of gay marriage. |
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orthonorm
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« Reply #112 on: May 20, 2011, 12:05:17 PM » |
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Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?
I can't stand OSU fans. Feel free to harm any of my fellow Ohioans who are OSU fans, in any way you feel capable |
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« Last Edit: May 20, 2011, 12:06:50 PM by orthonorm »
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We cannot legislate morality by passing laws controlling firearms. The only evil we can combat lies within our hearts. We need stronger laws to protect the moral foundation of society against the evil of gay marriage. |
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That person
Elder
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Faith: Quasi-agnostic Christian Universalist
Jurisdiction: Figuring it out.
Posts: 1,061
Long live Commie Superman
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« Reply #113 on: May 20, 2011, 03:52:59 PM » |
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Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?
I can't stand OSU fans. Feel free to harm any of my fellow Ohioans who are OSU fans, in any way you feel capable I have no real affinity for any college sports, seeing as I have yet to attend college. However, not giving a damn for the whole state of Michigan is something that ought to unite us all. |
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"Some have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at pleasure, so as to produce the effect of singing."- St. Augustine of Hippo
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #114 on: May 20, 2011, 04:10:42 PM » |
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First real laugh in this whole thread. You're a real downer man, you know that?  |
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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Robert W
Self-appointed forum herald
Sr. Member
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Faith: Orthodox
Jurisdiction: Finland
Posts: 469
Love is no feeling
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« Reply #115 on: May 26, 2011, 06:05:39 PM » |
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Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I guarantee I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, "Okay Colin, how about Tom Cruise?" "sure; yes. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door. Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him. Let's fly to DC." And off they go. At the White House, President Obama spots Colin on a tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin! What a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on and we'll have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name someone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what; I know the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony. And then the Italian man next to me said, "Who the eff is that on the the balcony with Colin?"
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« Last Edit: May 26, 2011, 06:06:50 PM by Robert W »
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Michał Kalina
proud Podlachian Belarusian parajournalistic engineer in spe
Section Moderator
Hypatos
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Faith: Christian
Jurisdiction: Diocese of Białystok and Gdańsk / Diocese of Warsaw and Bielsk Podlaski
Posts: 15,879
OC.net's trickster
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« Reply #116 on: July 15, 2011, 01:00:33 PM » |
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A Catholic, an Orthodox and a Protestant were fishing from a boat. The worms went out. The Catholic crossed himself, stepped over the side, walked on water to the shore, dug up some worms and returned to the boat. After a while worms went out again. The Orthodox crossed himself, stepped over the side, walked on water to the shore, dug up some worms and returned to the boat. Unfortunately, once again worms went out. The Protestant immediately stood up and gave a step overboard. He went under water and drowned.
The Catholic and Orthodox silently stare at the water spreading circles. The Catholic after, a long pause, says thoughtfully:
- We should have told him about the piles.
The Orthodox:
- What piles?
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formerly known as mikeDespite being a Polish citizen I am not a Pole. Long live Belarus! "It's my constitutional right!" |
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LizaSymonenko
Христос Воскрес!!! Christ is Risen!!!
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Toumarches
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Faith: God's Holy Catholic and Apostolic Orthodox Church
Jurisdiction: Ukrainian Orthodox Church of the U.S.A.
Posts: 7,828
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« Reply #117 on: July 15, 2011, 01:36:32 PM » |
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LOL! Good one!
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Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.
—St. Isaac of Syria
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #118 on: July 24, 2011, 03:50:19 PM » |
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #119 on: August 10, 2011, 11:10:40 AM » |
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Bad Pickup lines...
Are those space pants you’re wearing? Because your butt is out of this world.
Excuse me, do you know the time? Thanks. I wanted to remember the exact moment I met you.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Hi, my name is Doug. That's "god" spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it.
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #120 on: August 14, 2011, 04:58:02 AM » |
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home, please mamma!"
"Now Sarah," her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma, they're words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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Gamliel
Elder
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Faith: Greek Orthodox
Jurisdiction: Metropolis of San Francisco
Posts: 1,037
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« Reply #121 on: August 14, 2011, 03:36:08 PM » |
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There was a new one visiting a protestant service. Toward the end of the service, the pastor announced that there would be a meeting of the board after the service. The new one showed up. After a couple minutes, the pastor looked at the new one and said, "Uh, pardon me, but you know this is a meeting of the board?" The new one replied, "Yes, I am so bored right now, I could not be more bored!" |
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Michał Kalina
proud Podlachian Belarusian parajournalistic engineer in spe
Section Moderator
Hypatos
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Faith: Christian
Jurisdiction: Diocese of Białystok and Gdańsk / Diocese of Warsaw and Bielsk Podlaski
Posts: 15,879
OC.net's trickster
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« Reply #122 on: August 15, 2011, 12:10:38 PM » |
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After the service Priest announces:
- Next Sunday I'll tell a sermon about lie. You can prepare for that to understand it better with reading the 17th chapter of the Gospel of Mark.
Next Sunday he asks everyone before the sermon:
- Those, who read the 17th chapter, please wave your hands.
Almost everyone waves.
- I want to talk to you about lie. There is not a 17th chapter in the Gospel of Mark.
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formerly known as mikeDespite being a Polish citizen I am not a Pole. Long live Belarus! "It's my constitutional right!" |
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #123 on: August 18, 2011, 04:44:43 AM » |
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Courtesy of Steven Wright:
"I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He used a dotted line. He caught every other fish."
Selam
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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PeterTheAleut
The Right Blowhard Peter the Furtive of Yetts O'Muckhart
Section Moderator
Exarchos
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Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: OCA
Posts: 26,185
EXTERMINATE!
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« Reply #124 on: August 18, 2011, 11:05:05 PM » |
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What kind of beer do pirates drink? P. B. ARRRRRRRRRR! |
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Severian
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« Reply #125 on: August 19, 2011, 12:17:01 AM » |
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Where did the lemonade put his baseball?
In the pitcher.
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Christ is risen! !المسيح قام Χριστός ἀνέστη! ⲠⲓⲬⲣⲓⲥⲧⲟⲥ ⲁϥⲧⲱⲛϥ! Christus resurrexit! Come and join OCnet's new book club! |
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Tallitot
OC.net guru
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Jurisdiction: United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism
Posts: 2,201
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« Reply #126 on: August 19, 2011, 12:17:10 AM » |
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How many surealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
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If people cry at weddings...why don't they laugh at funerals?
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Gebre Menfes Kidus
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« Reply #127 on: August 19, 2011, 12:35:50 AM » |
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"I make wine from raisins. That way it's aged automatically."
(Again, from Steven Wright)
Selam
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"Salvation is free, but not easy. It is completely dependent upon the grace of God, and yet we must work it out with fear and trembling. It is given to all, but only a few find it. We are saved only by His Cross, and yet not without taking up our own." +GMK+
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stanley123
Archon
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Faith: Catholic
Jurisdiction: Roman Catholic
Posts: 3,293
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« Reply #128 on: August 28, 2011, 07:51:00 PM » |
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Bad joke:
The porter who rang the church bell died and so the priest announced that he was looking for someone to take his place. The next day an armless man applied for the job.
“But you don’t have any arms,” said the priest.
“Oh, but that’s not a problem,” said the man and he began to bang his head on the bell. But he hit the bell so hard that he became unconscious, dropped to the floor and died.
People then gathered around and asked who he was.
“I don’t know,” said a lady. “But his face rings a bell.”
The next day another man came for the job.
“I am the brother of the armless man and I would like to take his place.” The priest agreed and the man began to ring the bell. But he rang it so hard that he had a heart attack and died on the spot.
Now more people gathered and asked who was this man.
The priest said: “I don’t know. But he is a dead ringer for his brother.”
(Saturday Evening Post sept/oct 2011)
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biro
Ursus maritimus
Site Supporter
Stratopedarches
 Online
Faith: Raised Roman Catholic; now attend GOA
Jurisdiction: Metropolis of Atlanta
Posts: 9,801
Και κλήρονομον δείξον με, ζωής της αιωνίου
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« Reply #129 on: August 28, 2011, 07:59:59 PM » |
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How many surealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
Ha ha ha! |
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phthalyl.podomatic.com | the-cornet.blogspot.com | https://soundcloud.com/meteor___ Charlie Rose: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? Fran Lebowitz: Everything. There is not one thing with which I am satisfied. |
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Asteriktos
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« Reply #130 on: September 15, 2011, 12:27:18 AM » |
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Joe: Did you hear about the fire that happened at the circus yesterday?
John: Yeah man, I was there, it was in tents!
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"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
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stanley123
Archon
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Faith: Catholic
Jurisdiction: Roman Catholic
Posts: 3,293
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« Reply #131 on: September 15, 2011, 01:33:31 AM » |
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Hi All, If you are interested in getting an iPad I know someone who can get hold of them through a contract. These are legit, not off the back of a truck; they are from a canceled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks. The numbers are limited - he has twenty iPads going really cheap for less than one third price so it's first come first served. He has already sold three (link to the picture below so you can see what you are getting). Get back to me as quickly as you can if you want one. http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2143377740101646301KtAeqe |
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PeterTheAleut
The Right Blowhard Peter the Furtive of Yetts O'Muckhart
Section Moderator
Exarchos
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Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: OCA
Posts: 26,185
EXTERMINATE!
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« Reply #132 on: September 15, 2011, 03:34:58 AM » |
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Hi All, If you are interested in getting an iPad I know someone who can get hold of them through a contract. These are legit, not off the back of a truck; they are from a canceled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks. The numbers are limited - he has twenty iPads going really cheap for less than one third price so it's first come first served. He has already sold three (link to the picture below so you can see what you are getting). Get back to me as quickly as you can if you want one. http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2143377740101646301KtAeqe Now THAT is a clever joke! LMFAO!!! |
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IsmiLiora
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« Reply #133 on: September 15, 2011, 07:28:16 AM » |
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Joe: Did you hear about the fire that happened at the circus yesterday?
John: Yeah man, I was there, it was in tents!
Mr. Ismi always says, "Man, it's like camping!" And then he waits for someone to ask him what the heck he's talking about. "You know, camping, in tents!" (Thank you, best friend.) My priest, who has the same personality as Mr. Ismi, hasn't bothered to ask him about it yet. It's driving him crazy inside. |
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She's touring the facility/and picking up slack.
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"For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." Ecclesiastes 1:18
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I once believed in causes too, I had my pointless point of view --
Life went on no matter who was wrong or right
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mark thomas
Member
Offline
Faith: orthodox
Jurisdiction: antioch
Posts: 151
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« Reply #134 on: September 15, 2011, 08:11:35 PM » |
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How many people with ADD does it take to
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"Who touches, is also touched"
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