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PeterTheAleut
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« Reply #135 on: September 15, 2011, 10:38:44 PM »

How many people with ADD does it take to
Short attention span? laugh
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« Reply #136 on: September 15, 2011, 10:43:02 PM »

How many people with ADD does it take to
Short attention span? laugh
That was a funny joke. Smiley
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« Reply #137 on: September 15, 2011, 10:50:04 PM »

Here's one my Geometry (Geometry Honors, that is angel) teacher used to tell us:

-Which angles are the nicest?
-Complementary angles.

http://etc.usf.edu/clipart/47100/47153/47153_compangles_lg.gif
« Last Edit: September 15, 2011, 10:50:16 PM by Severian » Logged


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« Reply #138 on: September 15, 2011, 10:58:13 PM »

Here's one my Geometry (Geometry Honors, that is angel) teacher used to tell us:

-Which angles are the nicest?
-Complementary angles.

http://etc.usf.edu/clipart/47100/47153/47153_compangles_lg.gif

 Cheesy Roll Eyes  I have a couple corny triangle jokes running through my head now...

What did the square say about his triangular girlfriend? She's acute one!

What do you call a triangle who has a level headed perspective on things? The triangle with the right angle!
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« Reply #139 on: September 16, 2011, 12:22:11 AM »

Iron Man is a super hero.  Iron Woman is a command.   Wink
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« Reply #140 on: September 16, 2011, 12:26:12 AM »

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz!


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« Reply #141 on: September 16, 2011, 12:52:58 AM »

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz!


Selam
Oooh! Risqué! Lovin' it! laugh
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« Reply #142 on: September 16, 2011, 01:59:35 AM »

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz!


Selam
Oooh! Risqué! Lovin' it! laugh



Saw it on Facebook. Wish I could take credit. Smiley


Selam
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« Reply #143 on: September 16, 2011, 05:13:11 PM »

Great thread!

Beware the circumcision!

A RC Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi...
...all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle...we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers"

Hosea 13:8 I shall meet them as a bear bereaved of her whelps, and will rend enclosure of their heart;
and I shall devour them there as a great-lion, animal of the field she shall rend them
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« Reply #144 on: September 16, 2011, 05:49:04 PM »

Another Parrot Joke

There was once an old woman who had a parrot.

She taught the parrot to say, "Who is there?" whenever anyone knocked on the door as she was slightly deaf.

One day, she had major plumbing problems, so she called the plumber.

He said that he could not come out for another four hours, so she decided to go outside and get some fresh air by visiting the local shopping mall.

The plumber found that he was able to complete his other prearranged jobs sooner, and went over to the old woman's house.

He tried to call her first to tell her that he would be two hours early, but no one answered.
Fearing the worst, he hurried over to her apartment.

When he reached her apartment door, he politely knocked.

Plumber: Knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber: It's the plumber.

silence

Plumber: knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber: It's the plumber.

silence

Plumber: knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber yells: It's the plumber.

silence

Plumber knocks very loudly: knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber shouts: It's the plumber.

Then he falls dead of a heart attack.

silence

A few minutes later, the old lady returns to the apartment, noticing a man's body outside her apartment door.

She says loudly: Who is that?"

The parrot responds: It's the plumber.

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« Reply #145 on: September 20, 2011, 02:00:35 AM »

Jesus and satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and satan was faster than heck.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES!
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« Reply #146 on: September 20, 2011, 02:06:00 AM »

Here is another bad one ....

A customer at an upscale restaurant asks the waiter:
"Excuse me, sir? Do you have frog legs?"   

"Oh no" replied the waiter, "That is just the way I walk!
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« Reply #147 on: September 20, 2011, 02:08:35 AM »

The Price You Pay For Being Good


3 Men were waiting to go to heaven.

St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her".
So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her."
He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot".
He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!"
The man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
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« Reply #148 on: September 20, 2011, 02:26:33 AM »

Okay .... now the topic of nudity


ohhhh


A psychologist and a sociologist are at a nudist colony.
Relaxing and drinking ice teas, the sociologist leans over and says to the psychologist, " Have you read Marx?" 
The psychologist, without missing a beat replies; "Yea.. but I think it's from these wicker chairs".
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« Reply #149 on: September 20, 2011, 02:28:21 AM »

Here is one that Fr. Chris may enjoy:

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?"

"Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church."

"What's a church?" asked the twenty.
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« Reply #150 on: September 20, 2011, 02:29:34 AM »

Nietzche

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche.

The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.
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« Reply #151 on: September 20, 2011, 02:30:20 AM »

The Coin Toss


By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.

"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.

"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.

"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."
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« Reply #152 on: September 20, 2011, 02:31:50 AM »

The Ham Sandwich

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends.

At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich.
"You know," he said to his friend, "this ham sandwich is delicious.
I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. \
When will you break down and try it?"

To which the rabbi replied, "At your wedding."
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« Reply #153 on: September 20, 2011, 02:32:29 AM »

Here is one that Fr. Chris may enjoy:

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?"

"Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church."

"What's a church?" asked the twenty.


 Grin



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« Reply #154 on: September 20, 2011, 02:35:41 AM »

Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
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« Reply #155 on: September 20, 2011, 02:37:33 AM »

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

St. Peter asked the man, "Were you religious in life? Did you Attend church services?"

"No."

St. Peter told him, "That's bad. Were you generous? Did you give money to the poor? To charities?"

"No."

"That too was bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?"

"No."

St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, St. Peter said, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man said, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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« Reply #156 on: September 20, 2011, 03:53:22 AM »

You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    Grin




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« Reply #157 on: September 20, 2011, 04:04:32 AM »

You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    Grin




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.
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« Reply #158 on: September 20, 2011, 04:21:44 AM »

You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    Grin




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam
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« Reply #159 on: September 20, 2011, 09:52:05 AM »

You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    Grin




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam


And this is why I haven't put any jokes in yet...
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« Reply #160 on: September 20, 2011, 02:28:19 PM »

You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    Grin




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam


And this is why I haven't put any jokes in yet...

Oh, I have carefully rephrased some of these jokes to eliminate some vulgarity but retain the humor.
My husband helps me here and laughs with me. Good humor is good for the body, mind, and soul.
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« Reply #161 on: September 20, 2011, 11:04:17 PM »

These are ads on bilboards put by a funeral insurance company in Rio de Janeiro.


Sinaf 25 years. Incredible we got this far losing one client after the other.


Ad 01: Our clients never returned to complain.
Ad 02: Cremation. Hot news from Sinaf.


You will go up in life. Only you won't come back.


Whoever arrives on the other side first gets the prize.


Ad 01: Reform your house with your eyes closed.
Ad 02: One day you don't wake up and you're rich.


The life insurance you will thank God for. Personally.


The best health plan is to live. But it can go wrong.
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« Reply #162 on: September 21, 2011, 09:07:59 PM »

Thanks for the good laughs Maria!
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« Reply #163 on: September 24, 2011, 05:51:32 PM »

The Monk
 
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
 
 The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
 
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
 
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
 
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
 
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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« Reply #164 on: September 24, 2011, 05:56:48 PM »

That was mean...  Grin  Angry  Cool
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« Reply #165 on: September 25, 2011, 05:47:27 PM »

An atheist had just arrived from out of town, and after being dropped off by a cab downtown from the airport, he saw a nun standing at a booth on the sidewalk collecting donations for an orphanage.
He was in a good mood and felt like being generous, and walking up to the nun in the booth, he decided to donate $10 to such a worthy cause.
He pulled out his wallet and handed her a 20 dollar bill and said  "here ya go nun, I am donating $10 to your charity fund".
The nun smiled at the man saying "thank you my son", took the money, deposited it into the collection box, then packed up and started walking away.
The atheist looked bewildered and hollared at the nun "hey nun! where the heck is my change!"
The nun looked back and with a wry smile said "change comes from within my son" and continued walking away.
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« Reply #166 on: September 25, 2011, 06:18:24 PM »

You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    Grin




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam


Well this time you are 33% correct.
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« Reply #167 on: September 25, 2011, 07:33:16 PM »

I knew the Greeks liked sea food.

However, I was surprised to open up a Greek prayer book and see this response:

"Lord, deliver us to a clam haven."

(It was supposed to be "calm haven.")



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« Reply #168 on: September 25, 2011, 07:37:11 PM »

More Greek Orthodox humor (this from Doreen)


IOC Announces New Games for Athens Olympics


ATHENS, Greece -- As construction crews prepare the ground for the
2004 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee is putting
finishing touches on a new set of games for this Orthodox city:

Liturgical Olympics.

Here are some of the top sports:

Russians are the favorites in the Censer Swing, a gymnastic sport
of timing and grace, in which priests and deacons compete to make
the most intricate formations with the smoke and movement of the
censer. Points off for setting vestments on fire.

Georgians and Bulgarians are expected to be top competitors in the
Long Note: a track and field event to see who can hold a note the
longest. There are individual, team and relay heats. Points off for
flatting.

Greeks are taking top odds in Speed Liturgy, another track and
field event, in which priest, deacon and choir compete for the
speediest liturgy. Judges will be listening carefully to see if
anything is left out.

It's an open field in Altar Boy Synchronization, in which teams of
altar servers move in synchronized motion with candles, icons, fans
and censers. Nike and Adidas are in a bidding war over who will
provide team shoes.

Americans are expected to be major contenders in Canon Tossing and
the heavier-weight Anathema Hurling. There will be individual, team
and relay heats in this event as well, with points off for players
hitting their own teams and fans.

Other events will include Bishop Vesting, High Note, Low Note and
Countertenor, and Distance Sprinkling.

Excitement is building as Orthodox Olympians around the world
prepare for these events.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

This joke is from Onion Dome, which is no longer available. Doreen of Psalm Notes quoted it.
http://www.theoniondome.com/2004/01/30/jb/
« Last Edit: September 27, 2011, 05:01:10 PM by Second Chance » Logged

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« Reply #169 on: September 25, 2011, 07:39:22 PM »

St. Philaret of Moscow during Paschal week was asked by two ladies why our Lord after his resurrection appeared to the myrrh-bearers first.

"Because women like to chatter very much and it was needed that this event would be known to all as soon as possible", answered the Metropolitan.


-- Priest Mikhail Ardov.

Apparently a Protestant minister also told the congregation the same thing at an Easter service, and all the women shifted in their seats, pursed their lips and later "proved him right" by going 'round and gossiping about what he said!   laugh

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

Source: http://www.christianforums.com/t57163/#post1793132

Most of these jokes that I have submitted are from Christian Forums, and a large percentage of them are from my personal collection. Often the sources are not given because people have been telling these at church and they have collected them from others. Many of these jokes in the retelling have been cleaned up or embellished.

Here is the thread from Christian Forums: http://www.christianforums.com/t57163/
« Last Edit: September 27, 2011, 05:06:35 PM by Second Chance » Logged

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« Reply #170 on: September 25, 2011, 07:42:59 PM »

A Few Bad Musical terms


Adagio Fromaggio
: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.

Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone.

Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.

A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.

Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument, you regret playing.

Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.

Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.

Bar Line:
What musicians form after a concert.

Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance.

Coral Symphony:
(see Beethoven-Caribbean period).

Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous:
The entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs

Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Fermantra
: A note that is held over and over and over and ...

Fermoota
: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.

Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.

Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

Gregorian Champ:
Monk who can hold a note the longest.

Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

Mallade
: A romantic song that's pretty awful.

Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.

Opera buffa
: Musical stage production by nudists.

Poochini Musical:
performance, accompanied by a dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.

Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.

Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2011, 07:45:23 PM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #171 on: September 25, 2011, 07:47:20 PM »

Another pub joke

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells him, You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one
for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day,
he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted
to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
and he laughs. "You'll be happy to know that my brothers are alive
and well." He explains, "It's just that I've given up drinking for Lent!".
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« Reply #172 on: September 25, 2011, 07:49:50 PM »

Why did St. Padraig drive all the snakes out of Ireland?Huh











































Answer: Because he was the Designated Driver...
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« Reply #173 on: September 25, 2011, 07:52:18 PM »

Heaven or Hell, your choice!


While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all
his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times
they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is
the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it,
it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted for us!"
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« Reply #174 on: September 25, 2011, 07:56:50 PM »

Turn Back ... The End is Near

Once a priest and a minister met together to confer about a serious problem their town was facing. They got together and decided on a plan to fix the problem.

Working together, they made two signs. Once said - TURN BACK. The other said - THE END IS NEAR. The priest took the first and the minister took the second and stood by a busy road. Later, a car passed by.

"Go home, you religious fanatics!!" the driver shouted.

Suddenly there was a screech of tires and a splash.

The priest looked at the minister and said, "Do you think the sign should have just said 'Bridge out'?"
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« Reply #175 on: September 25, 2011, 07:59:36 PM »

An Orthodox choir director died and went to hell.

He was shocked that he went to hell and was apprehensive about what awaited.

When he got there, he was ushered into a music rehearsal room and told to take the director's
position. After a few minutes a huge choir of angels entered, telling him
that for the rest of eternity, all he'd have to do was to direct the choir
in chanting in eight part harmony. The choir director was a little
surprised that hell had turned out to be his dream come true.

He asked the angels, "But what text shall I direct?"

And he was handed Nassar's 5 pounder....

Ba da bing!
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« Reply #176 on: September 25, 2011, 08:01:48 PM »

Which Is The Tradition?

In the village of Omsk all was not well in the local
Pokrov Parish. Every year, during Lent, at ‘Blessed
art Thou, O Lord, teach me Thy statutes’, half of the
congregation would make a metany at the waist, and
half would make a full prostration. The little
metanists would start whispering sharply, ‘No! No!
From the waist!’ To which the great metanists would
hiss back even louder, ‘Wrong! Full prostration! Who
are you following, the Devil?!’ And fistfights would
break out and the service could not even be completed.

Finally the war-weary parishioners decided to ask
their priest, Fr Veniamin. ‘Batiushka, what is the
tradition? In Lent, at "Blessed art Thou", do we make
a little metany, or a great metany?’ Knowing the
rancor attached to the dispute, poor Fr Veniamin
trembled, grew pale, then fainted dead away and fell
backwards.

So next they went to the Skete of the Forerunner, and
asked Fr Onouphry: ‘Batiushka, we want to know, we
have a terrible argument at Omsk--what is the
tradition? Because half the people say to make small
metanies at "Blessed art Thou" now, and half say great
metanies. And we start fighting, terrible, terrible.
So, tell us, what is the Tradition?’ Seeing the
ferocity in their faces, poor Hieromonk Anatoly simply
fainted dead away.

Then someone shouted, ‘Let's go to Elder Ioann and ask
him!’ It was a marvelous idea. Surely the elder’s
answer would bring peace, for he was respected by all,
a native of Omsk, and his hoary 94 years guaranteed a
knowledge of what the old tradition had been.

So a large crowd gathered at the elder’s dacha on the
outskirts of town. Some 15 men from both sides entered
the dacha, and found frail Elder Ioann lying on his
bed. As he struggled to draw himself up and offer tea,
they cut him off: ‘Elder Ioann, you have to help us!
What is the Tradition? Every year in Lent, at "Blessed
art Thou, O Lord", half of the people at Pokrov make
little metanies, and half the people great metanies,
and we start to argue, and the service doesn't even
finish because of the fistfight!’ Then Elder Ioann
said firmly, in his voice shaking with age, and with
tears streaming down his joyful face, ‘That... is...
the Tradition!’
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« Reply #177 on: September 25, 2011, 08:02:43 PM »

You just might be an Orthodox Christian:

- On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
- You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
- You can automatically subtract 13 days from today’s date.
- On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
- You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
- You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
- To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
- You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter candy.
- You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling.
- When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.
- Before you pray, you say a prayer.
- You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
- When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
- You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.
- When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).
- The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
- You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, ‘Let us complete our prayer to the Lord’, and there’s still half an hour to go.
- You find yourself instinctively drawn to jurisdictional chaos. ‘I don’t believe in organized religion; I’m Orthodox!’
- At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
- Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring vodka and 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
- You forget to change your clock in the spring at Daylight Savings Time, show up an hour late, but the service is still going on...but there are people in your community who still can't get to church on time when the clock gets set back an hour in the fall.
- You consider an hour long church service to be "short."
- When someone says, "Let us pray..." you reflexively stand up.
- You went to church four or more times in a week.
- Your priest is married...and your vocabulary includes at least three words that describe the wife of a priest.
-You have varicose veins by the time you're twenty
-A greasy forehead doesn't bother you
-You are a wine connoisseur
-You have a library of vegetarian cook books
-You are 60 and can still bend over and touch the floor
-You are a female under 30, yet you have a collection of head scarfs
-You are a male under 20 that has a pair of leather shoes
-You tend to buy shoes for comfort, not style
-You can name a brand of chocolate that doesn't have milk or animal fats in it
-You have Ancient Echoes in your CD collection
-You think palms and pussy willows are the same thing
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« Reply #178 on: September 25, 2011, 08:05:35 PM »

Encore...

You just might be Orthodox if

-You find yourself doing everything 3 times.
-When someone next to you coughs, sneezes, or just touches their face, you automatically cross yourself.
-Fast food does not mean McDonalds or Burger King.
-You crave meat and dairy like crazy on Wed./Fri.
-When you hear someone singing, you automatically sing a response back to them
-When there are 1,000's of men and women who are the 13th Apostle!
-When you can explain what God is not but can't give a precise definition of what God is (apophatic theology).
-When your Bishop needs a Deacon to dress him for a Divine Liturgy.
-When your thighs hurt after prostrations on Forgiveness Sunday.
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« Reply #179 on: September 25, 2011, 08:12:41 PM »

A Protestant, a Catholic and an Orthodox are discussing what Jesus would be upon his return to earth.

The Protestant insists Jesus would be a Protestant; the Catholic insists he would be Catholic.

The Orthodox looks puzzled and asks, “But why would he change?”
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