Throughout this lenten season, there has been a sort of calm, and indeed some sense of accomplishment, as this is the first year for some firsts, good firsts happening to me and mine durring thsi season. But in the last few days have seen more of an attack by the enemy. I am plagued by the failures I have made this lent. The Prayer rule I was supposed to keep seems to me an unaccomplished goal. I am sickened by and yet resigned to the fast, tired of the same old things. I feel more malaise and anger, and it's onset was in the past few days. there is a feeling of hopelessness underpinning it all, like some morose cello that will not speed up, but gets steadily slower, more dreary. Though I fight these, it becomes more and more of a struggle in the last days. Jesus Christ and Joy seem so far away at these moments. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Such dispair weighs me down, and rising is a chore. It's hard to pray, and it feels more like an aplology when I do. An apology for my lack of faith and trust. An apology for my lackadaisikal ways toward God. And shame at my willfullness and my sinfullness.
Do any of you have simialr experiences at the end of lent? Do you feel this extra weight on you?
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