I think after a while pretending like I've been ok, i've finally accepted I have not really been happy the past few weeks. I tell people I'm fine when I'm not. I've finally accepted that I may in fact, be sad, maybe even depressed.
I don't entirely know the cause of this, but it has already led me to lack of sleep and possible despair and doubt.
I really need your prayers now. I can't seem to be happy, and it may be my own pride and not having things the way I want them to be.
I love Church and I love Architecture, and yet I can't seem to enjoy Architecture. When I'm not actually at Church, I don't even feel Orthodox, just feel like a lowly piece of trash on the side of the road that is speaking words, but not actually feeling them or meaning them.
I am not in this state because of the actions of our hierarchs, nor bc of Church politics. The discussion I participated in and my words were a result of the general unhappiness that has been building up inside of me. It was simply an effect/result, not a cause.
Please pray for me...
Following is simply what I need to get out and express...
I want to be able to do what I want in Architecture. I'm tired of listening to my teachers tell me how things ought to be, and I'm tired of them giving me assignments when my schedule doesn't allow much time for me to work. I'd rather sacrifice school for Church, because Church is really what I love the most. Architecture is hardly enjoyable anymore. I do what the teacher says, and often I don't even do it to the best of my ability because that would take too much time and I am unwilling to sacrifice any time at Church. My teacher expects more than the other teachers, and I'm sick of dealing with him. He's a nice guy, but he asks too much and virtually none of the other students in my class really think our current project is meaningful.
I'm sick of the realization that the world of architecture in America has become worthless. Chances are, if you actually get a job in the economy now, that you will only end up designing the ugly pieces of trash that line our expressway. The strip malls, big box retail centers, cul-de-sac subdivisions, etc... Are all so ugly that they aren't worth caring about or even worth keeping around for another few decades, and yet that is what you are most likely to do because that is what makes money.
I'm sick of the realization that I have to play the world's game in order to live successfully and be able to provide for whatever family I have in the future. Why should I have to play their game? Why should I have to put up with the worthless things that they value so much, and yet that are so degrading and destructive?
Why is it that I have to listen to propaganda fed to me in school? About how religions just borrow from one another, that they copy off each other and really are just made up by men with no real truth other than historical facts. That Christianity is simply a combination of Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Pagan religions, Henotheistic religions etc... That Judaism is simply a combination of pagan religions put into one... That these religions may actually not be true, and the subtle message that there may not actually be any true religion... Why do I put up with this? Why do I listen to it?
Why is it that I have to put up with my own doubt? For years I have struggled with the idea of God. I have held on tightly to my Christian beliefs, but also have found myself at many times doubting the validity of Christianity itself, mainly based on things I'm taught in school or have read/seen from "scholarly" sources... Why is it that I seem to wonder why I haven't had any visions or any signs... Why do I question whether or not the prayers I'm saying are simply just psychological medicine and don't actually have any effect? Why do I allow myself to question the existence of Satan and Evil? Why do I allow myself to question the existence of God and his holy angels?
Why, in the depth of my despair and depression, do I allow myself to question why, even at the height of my own spirituality, have I not felt God or seen him? Why do I question why he isn't in plain sight for me to see? Why do I question if he even exists?
Why, do I allow myself, when I read scripture, to feel like I'm reading a book written by men and inspired by men? That it is really not true and that the words seem to simply be "feel good" and not really true?
I have lived in my own world, and it has turned into hell, and my own prison... Lord liberate me!
Why do I question why I have the crosses to bear that I have? Why I have been fighting against them for so long and why the thorns don't seem to ever leave?
Why can't I cry when I pray? Why i can't I cry out to God and actually mean the things the prayers are saying? Why can't I fall down on my knees and really, seriously repent without fear of being too "experiential" or "feeling" or "charismatic"?
Why do I feel like I can read prayers, and say the Jesus prayer all day, and yet not mean it? Lord I desire to mean those things that I say, I've been saying them for a long time and I just want to FEEL it... I want to be able to LIVE it!
Why does it hurt so much when it seems to me that my friends won't seriously be interested in me? Why do I have to feel utterly alone at the depths of my sorrow, even though I am surrounded by those that love me? Why does it have to hurt when I see my friends living lives the way they do? Why does it have to hurt when I realize that others are happy, and yet I cannot be?
Why do I always have to be unhappy and lowly? Why cannot I be happy for one minute? Why can't I be able to enjoy life? Why can't I simply just soak in everything and have fun? Why do I feel like I am not able to have fun and that although my friends are happy, that because they aren't practicing Christians, that I shouldn't do as they do and be happy?
Is this how your servant David felt when he cried out to you? Have mercy on me O Lord! Lord do not forsake me!
Why does it seem that the more I limit myself, the more unhappy and depressed I get?
Why is it, when I try to have fun, that I still end up unhappy?
Why is it that I feel, as long as I'm living amongst the world (that is, a part of it in society) that I can't ever actually feel/experience Christ fully?
Why is it that I feel, as long as I'm isolated from the world, even if I'm focused fully on Christ, that I will be utterly alone and without anyone else?
I want to be able to live an ascetical life, one dedicated to Christ... And yet in no way do I want to be a monastic. I would rather be married than a monastic... Yet how is it possible for the average person to live a saintly/godly life apart from being monastic?
I feel like a dead man walking, a curse upon the Earth and to others...
Am I being torn down for the sake of my faith? Is there a reason this is right before Holy Week? Lord, please, I need help and guidance. I need to be prepared for Pascha. I want to experience Holy Week being happy, and not depressed or disconnected...
I want to be able to sleep in peace and not worry about what will come tomorrow and whether or not I will be happy or depressed...
Lord Have Mercy! Most Holy Theotokos, Have Mercy and Pray for me! St. Luke, my patron and my intercessor, pray for me! All Holy Saints, please pray for me...
My brothers and sisters in Christ... Please pray for me...