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Author Topic: I REALLY Need Your Prayers...  (Read 2782 times) Average Rating: 0
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88Devin12
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« on: April 08, 2009, 01:52:18 AM »

I think after a while pretending like I've been ok, i've finally accepted I have not really been happy the past few weeks. I tell people I'm fine when I'm not. I've finally accepted that I may in fact, be sad, maybe even depressed.
I don't entirely know the cause of this, but it has already led me to lack of sleep and possible despair and doubt.

I really need your prayers now. I can't seem to be happy, and it may be my own pride and not having things the way I want them to be.
I love Church and I love Architecture, and yet I can't seem to enjoy Architecture. When I'm not actually at Church, I don't even feel Orthodox, just feel like a lowly piece of trash on the side of the road that is speaking words, but not actually feeling them or meaning them.

I am not in this state because of the actions of our hierarchs, nor bc of Church politics. The discussion I participated in and my words were a result of the general unhappiness that has been building up inside of me. It was simply an effect/result, not a cause.

Please pray for me...
______________________________________________

Following is simply what I need to get out and express...

I want to be able to do what I want in Architecture. I'm tired of listening to my teachers tell me how things ought to be, and I'm tired of them giving me assignments when my schedule doesn't allow much time for me to work. I'd rather sacrifice school for Church, because Church is really what I love the most. Architecture is hardly enjoyable anymore. I do what the teacher says, and often I don't even do it to the best of my ability because that would take too much time and I am unwilling to sacrifice any time at Church. My teacher expects more than the other teachers, and I'm sick of dealing with him. He's a nice guy, but he asks too much and virtually none of the other students in my class really think our current project is meaningful.

I'm sick of the realization that the world of architecture in America has become worthless. Chances are, if you actually get a job in the economy now, that you will only end up designing the ugly pieces of trash that line our expressway. The strip malls, big box retail centers, cul-de-sac subdivisions, etc... Are all so ugly that they aren't worth caring about or even worth keeping around for another few decades, and yet that is what you are most likely to do because that is what makes money.

I'm sick of the realization that I have to play the world's game in order to live successfully and be able to provide for whatever family I have in the future. Why should I have to play their game? Why should I have to put up with the worthless things that they value so much, and yet that are so degrading and destructive?

Why is it that I have to listen to propaganda fed to me in school? About how religions just borrow from one another, that they copy off each other and really are just made up by men with no real truth other than historical facts. That Christianity is simply a combination of Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Pagan religions, Henotheistic religions etc... That Judaism is simply a combination of pagan religions put into one... That these religions may actually not be true, and the subtle message that there may not actually be any true religion... Why do I put up with this? Why do I listen to it?

Why is it that I have to put up with my own doubt? For years I have struggled with the idea of God. I have held on tightly to my Christian beliefs, but also have found myself at many times doubting the validity of Christianity itself, mainly based on things I'm taught in school or have read/seen from "scholarly" sources... Why is it that I seem to wonder why I haven't had any visions or any signs... Why do I question whether or not the prayers I'm saying are simply just psychological medicine and don't actually have any effect? Why do I allow myself to question the existence of Satan and Evil? Why do I allow myself to question the existence of God and his holy angels?
Why, in the depth of my despair and depression, do I allow myself to question why, even at the height of my own spirituality, have I not felt God or seen him? Why do I question why he isn't in plain sight for me to see? Why do I question if he even exists?
Why, do I allow myself, when I read scripture, to feel like I'm reading a book written by men and inspired by men? That it is really not true and that the words seem to simply be "feel good" and not really true?

I have lived in my own world, and it has turned into hell, and my own prison... Lord liberate me!

Why do I question why I have the crosses to bear that I have? Why I have been fighting against them for so long and why the thorns don't seem to ever leave?

Why can't I cry when I pray? Why i can't I cry out to God and actually mean the things the prayers are saying? Why can't I fall down on my knees and really, seriously repent without fear of being too "experiential" or "feeling" or "charismatic"?

Why do I feel like I can read prayers, and say the Jesus prayer all day, and yet not mean it? Lord I desire to mean those things that I say, I've been saying them for a long time and I just want to FEEL it... I want to be able to LIVE it!

Why does it hurt so much when it seems to me that my friends won't seriously be interested in me? Why do I have to feel utterly alone at the depths of my sorrow, even though I am surrounded by those that love me?  Why does it have to hurt when I see my friends living lives the way they do? Why does it have to hurt when I realize that others are happy, and yet I cannot be?

Why do I always have to be unhappy and lowly? Why cannot I be happy for one minute? Why can't I be able to enjoy life? Why can't I simply just soak in everything and have fun? Why do I feel like I am not able to have fun and that although my friends are happy, that because they aren't practicing Christians, that I shouldn't do as they do and be happy?

Is this how your servant David felt when he cried out to you? Have mercy on me O Lord! Lord do not forsake me!

Why does it seem that the more I limit myself, the more unhappy and depressed I get?
Why is it, when I try to have fun, that I still end up unhappy?

Why is it that I feel, as long as I'm living amongst the world (that is, a part of it in society) that I can't ever actually feel/experience Christ fully?
Why is it that I feel, as long as I'm isolated from the world, even if I'm focused fully on Christ, that I will be utterly alone and without anyone else?

I want to be able to live an ascetical life, one dedicated to Christ... And yet in no way do I want to be a monastic. I would rather be married than a monastic... Yet how is it possible for the average person to live a saintly/godly life apart from being monastic?

I feel like a dead man walking, a curse upon the Earth and to others...

Am I being torn down for the sake of my faith? Is there a reason this is right before Holy Week? Lord, please, I need help and guidance. I need to be prepared for Pascha. I want to experience Holy Week being happy, and not depressed or disconnected...

I want to be able to sleep in peace and not worry about what will come tomorrow and whether or not I will be happy or depressed...

Lord Have Mercy! Most Holy Theotokos, Have Mercy and Pray for me! St. Luke, my patron and my intercessor, pray for me! All Holy Saints, please pray for me...
My brothers and sisters in Christ... Please pray for me...
« Last Edit: April 08, 2009, 02:07:35 AM by 88Devin12 » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2009, 01:59:01 AM »

Lord have mercy on your servant.
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2009, 02:05:44 AM »

Lord, have mercy on Your servant Devin.  Help him to overcome the crippling effects of depression and anxiety.  Help Devin experience Your love and mercy and help him understand that you are always with him and that he is never alone.  Heal him of this loneliness and despair.  I ask these things in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.


Hey, brother!  If this is something you've been experiencing for awhile or that you feel is beginning to take over your life, you might want to consider doing what I and many others are doing- make an appointment with a Psychologist or Psychiatrist.  Two other pieces of advice; make an appointment with Fr. Andrew and tell him what's going on.  In addition, make the sign of the cross with holy water and pray.  I'll PM you with my number if you'd like to talk.  Do yourself a favor and do not go through this alone.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2009, 02:11:31 AM by GabrieltheCelt » Logged

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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2009, 02:09:18 AM »

Lord, have mercy on your servant!

A touching and painful read.  My first years of college were also dark times.  May God keep you!
« Last Edit: April 08, 2009, 02:09:34 AM by Alveus Lacuna » Logged
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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2009, 02:30:53 AM »

Lord have mercy on your servant, as he struggles through a new, yet important phase in his life.

"O Lord Jesus Christ, Only-begotten Son of Thy Eternal Father, Thou hast said with Thy most holy lips: "Without Me, you can do nothing." My Lord and my God, in faith I embrace Thy words with my heart and soul, and bow before Thy goodness; help me, a sinner, to do in union with Thee this work which I am about to begin, in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

"Most gracious Lord! Send down upon us the grace of Thy Holy Spirit to grant us intelligence and strengthen the powers of our soul, that we may attend to the instruction given us, and grow up to glorify Thee, our Creator, to gladden our parents, and to serve the Church and our people."
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2009, 02:32:00 AM »

Lord, have mercy on your servant and guide him through these dark moments.
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2009, 02:32:10 AM »

Thank you all so very much! It's starting to feel better, hopefully the healing has begun.
I talked to Fr. Andrew yesterday, which is why this is probably happening tonight, putting his advice into action is bringing it out and (hopefully) defeating it.
When I was in High School and Middle School I would see a psychologist for moderate depression. Since then I've been much better, it's just, since attending St. Thomas, I've begun to really wrestle with the things that are deep down inside, and they are putting up a fight.
I've known how to deal with these things, it's just that I'm too stubborn and prideful to actually do them...

With the Lord's help though, I can begin to heal... Lord Have Mercy!!!

Thank you all once again!
-Devin
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« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2009, 07:03:43 AM »

Lord have mercy on the work of Your Hands.
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« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2009, 07:11:19 AM »

Lord, have mercy!

Have you considered going to Europe? I think it's a better place for an architect...
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2009, 08:38:46 AM »

Thanks once again to everyone! I'm feeling better and hoping today will be a good day.

Heorhij, I've considered going to Europe, but that would separate me from my friends and family, and especially my current parish. While I would probably enjoy architecture even more, I probably wouldn't enjoy Church as much as I do now.
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« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2009, 10:04:21 AM »

Lord, have mercy.
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« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2009, 10:05:08 AM »

Lord, have mercy.

Deliver your servant from all trials and tribulations.  Strengthen his courage and give comfort to his concerns.

Amen!
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« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2009, 11:03:01 AM »

Lord, have mercy on your servant and grant healing to him. 
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« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2009, 11:49:29 AM »

Thank you all so very much! It's starting to feel better, hopefully the healing has begun.
I talked to Fr. Andrew yesterday, which is why this is probably happening tonight, putting his advice into action is bringing it out and (hopefully) defeating it.
When I was in High School and Middle School I would see a psychologist for moderate depression. Since then I've been much better, it's just, since attending St. Thomas, I've begun to really wrestle with the things that are deep down inside, and they are putting up a fight.
I've known how to deal with these things, it's just that I'm too stubborn and prideful to actually do them...

With the Lord's help though, I can begin to heal... Lord Have Mercy!!!

Thank you all once again!
-Devin

Lord have mercy!

I hope that you see if refresher therapy is in order.

And remember that it's Lent, and you are a cathecumen, so other forces are hard at work.  They don't want to lose you.  May the Saints tell them "Hands off!  He's ours."

Far better advice than mine, St. Innocent's:
Quote
Usually the devil, knowing how good it is for us to recognize our moral illness, uses all his wiles to prevent us from doing so and tells us that all is well and there is no need to worry. But when he sees that we are really serious about becoming true Christians and with Gods help are on the way to restoring our spiritual health, then the devil uses craftier means: he presents to us our internal illnesses in such a hopeless condition that we become bewildered and despair of our salvation. If the Lord permitted the devil to use this trick on all of us, few of us would find the strength to continue the struggle. However, the Lord, as a knowledgeable physician, protects as from despair. He heals our spiritual ulcers and encourages us as we heal.

Therefore, as the Lord restores your spiritual sight, you will begin to comprehend more clearly that your heart is corrupt and that your passions obstruct your path to God. You will begin to understand also that the little good you have to your credit so far is damaged by your selfishness and conceit. Then you will certainly grieve, and you will become frightened and saddened: frightened because you are in danger of perishing forever, saddened because you have declined for so long to listen to the gentle voice of God who was calling you to salvation, and saddened because you have accomplished so little good.

In following Jesus Christ, it is not enough to carry only an outward cross. Indeed, external crosses are borne not only by Christians but by everyone; there exists no person free from one or more sorrows. He who wishes to become a true disciple of Christ must also carry his own inner cross.

An inner cross comes more readily than an outer one. In a state of repentance, you need only direct your thoughts inward to study your soul, and instantly a multitude of crosses will appear. For instance, reflect on how you were created and what is the purpose of your life. Are you living according to Christs teaching, are you accomplishing something good, are you growing spiritually? Meditate about this in some depth, and soon you will come to realize that you are failing in many important areas. God created you so that with all your works, life, and being you should contribute to the spreading of good and the strengthening of His Kingdom. You, however, have not only failed in this, but, by your sins, you have rejected and even insulted Christ. Reflect on what awaits you beyond the grave and on what side you will find yourself at the Last Judgment: with the righteous or with the evildoers? And if you seriously reflect on all this, you will naturally become distressed and will regret your many words and deeds and these painful feelings and the desire for repentance will become your inner cross. If you continue attentively to study yourself, you will find many other inner crosses. For instance, hell, which you have so carelessly avoided considering until now, will suddenly appear to you as a very real threat. Paradise, which the Lord has prepared for you and which has barely crossed your mind, will vividly present itself to you as it really is: a place of eternal and pure joy from which you have deprived yourself by your careless way of life.

Although these inner crosses present themselves as burdensome, do not despair and do not think that the Lord has abandoned you. No! He is always with you and invisibly sustains you, even when you forget Him. He will not burden you with trials beyond your capacity. Fear nothing, but with total humbleness and devotion bear your cross and pray. He is the gentlest of fathers that could be wished for. If on occasion He allows His faithful servants to be tempted, it is only to remind them of their feebleness and to completely cleanse their hearts from pride. In our hearts is where He intends to reside with His Son and His Holy Spirit.
This is the meaning of denying yourself, taking up your cross, and following Jesus Christ. This is the only straight path into the Kingdom of Heaven. Christ walked this path and calls us to follow Him. There never was and never will be any other path to salvation but this one, shown to us by Jesus! To the beginner this path may seem too narrow and steep. But it seems this way only because our understanding of divine blessings and happiness has become distorted. Many of us regard the bitter as sweet and the sweet as bitter. However, as we come closer to God, much of what seemed difficult or bitter before will become easy or sweet, and what seemed to please before will come to seem boring and harmful.

Of course, there will be trying periods in our life when the path of ascension toward God will seem exceptionally difficult. Then we should think that for every step taken there are a thousand rewards being prepared. Sufferings along this path are momentary, but the rewards are eternal. Therefore, do not fear the path of Christ, for a smooth and wide path ends in hell, but a thorny and narrow one leads to Heaven.

Why did God not make the path to the Kingdom of Heaven light and pleasant? Only God knows. Who would question His divine wisdom? He saw that the narrow path is what we need! We who are below see only bits and pieces, but He, Who is above all creation, sees our lives from the standpoint of eternity. However, though not completely understanding the plans of our Creator, let us consider the following:

1. The Kingdom of Heaven is the highest beatitude and inexhaustible wealth. If great efforts are necessary to obtain meager and temporary earthly advantages, then how can it be possible to obtain such a great and eternal treasure without any effort?

2. The Kingdom of Heaven is the most coveted reward. Where else are rewards given freely and for nothing? If we struggle to get temporary benefits, so much more should we struggle to obtain the eternal reward.

3. We must bear our cross because we want to be with Christ and to participate in His glory. If Jesus Christ, our Master and Teacher, gained heavenly glory through suffering, would it not be shameful for us to share His glory when we faintheartedly shun any trials or sorrows?

4. Besides, lifelong crosses are not the lot of Christians alone. Everyone carries their own cross, both Christians and non-Christians, believers and pagans. The difference is that for some, their crosses serve as a means of attaining the Kingdom of Heaven, while for the others they bring no such value. For the Christian, the cross gradually becomes lighter and more joyful, while for the nonbeliever it becomes heavier and more burdensome. Why is this so? Because where the one carries their cross with faith and devotion to God, the other carries it with grumbling and anger.

Therefore, Christian, do not shun your lifelong cross, but, on the contrary, thank Jesus Christ that He honored you to follow and imitate Him. If Christ had not suffered and died, then none of us, no matter how much we suffered and struggled, would enter the Kingdom of Heaven, for then we would have had to suffer as slaves, and slaves deserve no rewards. Now, however, we suffer as sons for our own salvation. O merciful Lord! How great is Thy love for us. How great are Thy benefits to us. Thou bendest evil itself for our benefit and salvation!

Christian! Gratitude alone to Jesus Christ, your benefactor, obliges you to follow Him. Christ came down to earth for you. Can it be possible that you would prefer some worldly thing to Him? For you Jesus drank the cup full of suffering; can it be that you would refuse to suffer a little for Him?

6. Finally, we cannot avoid the narrow path into the Kingdom of Heaven, since every man has sins and sin in itself is an ulcer that cannot be cured without strong medicine. Suffering is the medicine with which God cures our souls. When somebody is ill, then, regardless of his surroundings even though he is in the most magnificent of palaces he will still suffer. Such is the fate of every sinner; no matter where he settles, even in Paradise itself, he will suffer because the elements of hell reside within him. Similarly, a righteous person can be as happy in a shack as in a palace. When our heart is filled with the Holy Spirit, wherever we may find ourselves, there we will always feel joy, since Paradise is within us.

And so, brethren, if you wish to attain the Kingdom of Heaven, you cannot bypass the path taken by Jesus Christ. Indeed, all the prophets, the Apostles, the martyrs, the saints and countless other righteous ones walked along this path. There is no other.

Some might object, saying, how can we who are sinful and weak be like Jesus Christ or the saints! We live in the secular world and have families and many responsibilities. Oh, brethren! This is a cunning excuse and an insult to our Creator. To justify our carelessness by such reasoning means to accuse our Maker of being unable to create us properly. After all, the saints, like us, were not sinless at first but participated in worldly affairs, labored and had various obligations and families to care about. Surely they were not perfect in everything. They had their share of temptations and low moments. Notwithstanding this, living in circumstances similar to ours and having their ups and downs, they steered toward the main objective of their life: the Kingdom of Heaven. Undoubtedly, we also, if we truly desire to, can be good citizens, faithful spouses, loving parents, and simultaneously good Christians. Our faith will not be an obstacle but, on the contrary, will aid all our good undertakings. The essence of Christianity is pure and selfless love, which is inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Therefore, brethren, if you wish to attain the Kingdom of Heaven, follow the path which Jesus Christ took, and He, the all-merciful one, will help you every step of the way.
http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/general/kingdomofheaven.aspx
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« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2009, 11:52:04 AM »

Lord hear our prayers.
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« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2009, 12:23:28 PM »

Lord, have mercy!


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« Reply #16 on: April 08, 2009, 12:25:15 PM »

Lord, have mercy!
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« Reply #17 on: April 08, 2009, 12:28:55 PM »

Lord, have mercy on Your servant.
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« Reply #18 on: April 08, 2009, 01:15:02 PM »

Lord Have Mercy.

You are never alone.
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« Reply #19 on: April 08, 2009, 03:17:38 PM »

I want to be able to do what I want in Architecture. I'm tired of listening to my teachers tell me how things ought to be, and I'm tired of them giving me assignments when my schedule doesn't allow much time for me to work. I'd rather sacrifice school for Church, because Church is really what I love the most. Architecture is hardly enjoyable anymore. I do what the teacher says, and often I don't even do it to the best of my ability because that would take too much time and I am unwilling to sacrifice any time at Church. My teacher expects more than the other teachers, and I'm sick of dealing with him. He's a nice guy, but he asks too much and virtually none of the other students in my class really think our current project is meaningful.

My sister is an architect, so I'm quite familiar with the whole process.  She once had a studio instructor that pushed all of them way too hard.  He eventually had a nervous breakdown.  Having tough studio instructors is part of the rite of passage - it sounds cliche, but these days my sister looks back on them as some of her most important instructors. 

One of the things that surprised me the most during my time on Mt. Athos was just how rarely I actually was able to go to church for services because of chores.  First I'd have to help ringing the bells (which got me out of a lot of Nocturns).  I could stand in church until the end of the Six Psalms.  After that I had to go start the fire for the oven in the bread bakery - which was no small task.  After that it was peeling potatoes or some other task in the kitchen (monks appreciate having their trapeza on time  Smiley ).  In the evening I often wasn't finished with my daily tasks, especially if I had some manuel labour out in the fields, until halfway through vespers.  I almost always missed compline due to having to do the dishes.  Or if there were people visiting who didn't speak Greek, I usually had to help out the English language tours of the monastery, explanations about Orthodoxy etc right after compline.  Orthodoxy is ora et labora, with a definite emphasis on the labour part within monasticism.  Don't get discouraged if you can't make every single service at church.  You wouldn't be able to do that even in a monastery.  Work on trying to say the Jesus Prayer while building a model and attending what liturgical services you can. 

Another thing I was often told by monastics when I decided to attend university was that being a student is now my job, my "obedience" in monastic parlance.  Whatever route in life you choose, you will need to have some sort of skill or handicraft.  If you become a monastic you'll need to do a lot more than stand in church - all of your skills will be utilised such as helping in new building projects.  If you get married, you'll need to contribute to the family income.  Eventually your parish will need to remodel or build a new temple outright.  And without your tithe over the course of your career a parish wouldn't even operate at all.  So it might now seem important now, but without getting a serious job your ability to contribute to the Church will be significantly reduced.       


I'm sick of the realization that the world of architecture in America has become worthless. Chances are, if you actually get a job in the economy now, that you will only end up designing the ugly pieces of trash that line our expressway. The strip malls, big box retail centers, cul-de-sac subdivisions, etc... Are all so ugly that they aren't worth caring about or even worth keeping around for another few decades, and yet that is what you are most likely to do because that is what makes money.

Regardless of whatever field you are in, you won't reach a level where you can start making systemic changes for ten to twenty years.  As frustrating as it seems at times this is a good thing - while I have lots of fresh ideas from the classroom, it would be a mistake to apply this systemically without the balance of experience. 

This fall I begin teaching English as a foreign language in a high school.  I'm told there probably won't be enough money for textbooks, my co-workers will likely be insistent on using outdated methodology, etc.  I was told to just try my best with what I have and hope to make a small impact.  I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to change the world, and instead wanting to be the best you can be in your niche. 

One last recommendation that has really helped me:  get out and volunteer in your field.  You likely have habitat for humanity or some similar organisation in your area.  Not only will it be some great work experience, but it is very rewarding to see the work of your hands tangibly helping people.

As for Europe, there are plenty of churches there Smiley  My sister studied in Germany, and when I visited her I attended both a pre-revolutionary ROCOR parish and a modern, vibrant Serbian parish.  But studying abroad brings its own stresses - still a summer programme in Europe could be academically and emotionally refreshing.   
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« Reply #20 on: April 08, 2009, 03:28:11 PM »

Lord, have mercy on Your servant.  Heal him body and soul according to his needs as You know them best.
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« Reply #21 on: April 08, 2009, 03:36:47 PM »

Lord, have mercy on Your servant, Devin!

Excellent words of advice from Nektarios! I totally second everything he has said. I grew up with no opportunities to get an education-everything was centred around the church and church community-which was good-but now i am left alone and without a good means of supporting myself! How I wish I'd been able to concentrate on getting an education rather than only being allowed to think about and practise religion. We need to attend to the practical aspect of life too.

 I pray that you will be able to find self-worth and comfort, Devin.
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« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2009, 06:59:14 PM »

When I was very sick, I needed prayers (which you are getting, including from me) as well as medical treatment. I looked at my doctors and nurses as God's instruments (and I think some of them viewed themselves as such). I got lots of prayers from lots of people and that really helped. I also prayed that His will be done; I think that helped in the long run (you notice that I am still here) but more importantly God gave me the gift of serenity. So, hint...hint...:

- Depression is often caused by organic conditions and thus may be helped by medicines.

- The way one approaches life also affects the way depression takes its course.  Thus, counseling, prayer, and physical fitness will also help.

- I have personally witnessed the efficacy of the Sacrament of Healing or the Holy Mystery of Unction/Anointing (even though there was only one priest). If push comes to shove, you should consider this.

God's will be done.
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« Reply #23 on: April 08, 2009, 07:48:35 PM »

Lord Grant healing Body And Soul,,For Thy Namesake ....Amen
Lord Have Mercy!...
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ГОСПОДЕ ГОСПОДЕ ,ПОГЛЕДАЈ СА НЕБА ,ДОЂИ И ПОСЕТИ ТВОЈ ВИНОГРАД ТВОЈА ДЕСНИЦА ПОСАДИЛА АМИН АМИН.
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« Reply #24 on: April 09, 2009, 08:28:48 AM »

Thanks so much to everyone for your prayers! I'm feeling much better...
I attended Church yesterday and that really helped (though I had to leave early for a school-related meeting).
Funny enough, Tuesday, my car would not start, so on Wednesday I decided to try it again... First two tries it didn't work, on the third try it did, so I was very happy. (as I needed to get architecture supplies as well as go to Church)
____________________

Unfortunately, while people who don't normally talk to me asked me how I was doing, my friends I live with (mainly one) didn't acknowledge the fact that I wasn't feeling well... Only one really said he noticed and asked how I was doing... (though he is also the one i'm closest to)

However, the one friend that is kind of "different" actually never even said a word to me save for "hey" and "are you coming?" (when we normally walk to class in the morning)... I know those are still words, and I didn't think I deserved to be asked about, I still felt it would be nice to be acknowledged. I finally (after seeing him and another friend sitting outside the house on the sidewalk) went out and said hi and asked how they were doing... He never said anything until I walked closer to him and specifically said hi and asked how he was doing, then finally he asked if I was ok...

I know I shouldn't expect to be acknowledged or asked about... I certainly don't want to seem to be an attention getter. But sometimes it would be nice to have people who are supposed to be my friends actually acknowledge if I'm doing alright if I seem depressed. I mean, I do the same for them...

Of course, I think something is also wrong with my friend... He's been different recently, a little more than usual. Like at the store (wal-mart) the other day, we were standing in an aisle with one of our friends talking, and there was a baby across the store that was crying and this friend just yelled "just shut up!"... (which resulted in predictable reactions from us) Then he pressed the spanish button at the self-checkout aisle, also placing the "closed" sign on the turn-belt thing and then proceeded to eat his food he bought before we had even left the checkout line... We were also in the car, and a song started playing, my two friends in the front seats started singing quietly and this other friend said something to the effect of: "It would be nice if you could be quiet so I could enjoy the song" and then, when one friend didn't cease to sing (to annoy him) he said "Don't make me come up there" (in a serious way, not joking)...
However, that friend will be heading home for Easter tomorrow, so it will give us some time away from him, and vice versa. Maybe it will be good for him, but most of the time when he comes back from being at home, hes even more weird than he left. (Though it seems he's still babied by his parents, so it isn't that he's being abused)

While I'm feeling much better, and I'm REALLY grateful for the support i've received. It'd still be nice to have the people that live feet from me actually acknowledge if I'm depressed or not. I do the same for them, it's just psychologically uplifting to have them do the same.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2009, 08:29:56 AM by 88Devin12 » Logged
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« Reply #25 on: April 09, 2009, 09:40:02 PM »

May God help you and your friends in everything! Lord, have mercy.

Dear Devin,
You are in my prayers. As for me, most of my life has been spent in building design industry, not in Architecture, but on MEP side. The industry evolved. Instead of creative processes and development of  ideas, we deal with mere satisfaction of clients. Having said that, if you would allow me to make a suggestion - please stay in architectural school. It brings an applicable occupation, which in turn provides employment. With a degree in hand you may consider the next step inside or outside of the industry. Some people make huge changes in their careers. As someone, who also went through such a transition, and may be another such process is coming for me soon, I have to say it is easier to have flexibility with such a paper.

As for Europe, many opportunities develop there. Again, if you will forgive me mentioning a personal experience again, the first relocation is usually the most difficult. Becomes much easier later. In these days, it is so much easier to stay in touch.

May God help you in everything, brother. Best wishes!
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« Reply #26 on: April 09, 2009, 11:03:21 PM »

Thank you!
Agian, i've been feeling better today...
However, (though i'm not a violent person) in the last few hours i've really come close to beating my friend. I guess although I'm feeling better, the pressure and frustration from how much he can irritate me still is there. He's still being creepy and weird. We played Halo tonight and he was being kind of a jerk and even "cheating" during the game just so he could win. After that, all of us played Scrabble and he came to almost yelling because he thought he was right about the way he thinks it's played (though he had about 4 of us arguing against him about it)... He also kept forcefully telling me to "hurry up" and kept trying to skip me because he was being really impatient... I don't know what his problem is, and I know it sounds bad, but I'm really glad he's leaving for home tomorrow, I don't think I can handle any more pressure right now...

Lastly, I don't know what the situation is right now, but there were several Tornados here in Southern Missouri, one (from what I've heard on the news) may have been semi-close to our Church. The people of the Midwest will need prayers tonight as tornados have been popping up. (though it's normal and kind of a non-event, it's still dangerous)

Thanks once again!
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« Reply #27 on: April 10, 2009, 06:25:24 PM »

Lord have mercy on your servant Devin and grant him healing of mind, body and soul.
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Domine Iesu Christe, Fili Dei, miserere mei, peccatricis.

órë: noun \"heart"\ (inner mind),   laurëa: adjective \"golden, like gold"\ http://www.uib.no/People/hnohf/quenya.htm
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Lord, have mercy on the Christians in Mosul!


« Reply #28 on: April 11, 2009, 11:46:13 PM »

Lord, have mercy!
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