OrthodoxChristianity.net
September 02, 2014, 08:26:35 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: Reminder: No political discussions in the public fora.  If you do not have access to the private Politics Forum, please send a PM to Fr. George.
 
   Home   Help Calendar Contact Treasury Tags Login Register  
Pages: 1   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Not sure what to do  (Read 1406 times) Average Rating: 0
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Psalti Boy
High Elder
******
Offline Offline

Faith: Christian
Jurisdiction: Don't need one
Posts: 842



« on: December 21, 2008, 07:48:14 AM »

Greetings all,

Forgive me for not posting in such a long time.  I have been struggling with several issues, one of which I would like your prayers and advice, especially if you have faced a similar situation.

My parents divorced when I was about 2 years old.  I never got to know my biological father but do remember one visit when he brought me some toys.  My mother refuses to talk about him at all.  Unfortunately she wants to take that part of her life to the grave with her, no matter how much hurt not knowing about him causes me.  My uncle, her brother will throw out bits of information if I push him, but I do admire and respect his loyalty to his sister.

Growing up we went to a church on the other side of town to avoid seeing him or his family.  When I got married, we were forced to also go to that far away church and have our kids baptized there.  Thus making it hard to get to church often.

While away in the military, I was talked into having my surname changed to that of my stepfather.  (Why didn't just adopt me sooner and avoid all the questions I had and not able to get answers to growing up?)  I recently was diagnosed with severe depression and a deep inner sadness.  The psychologist believes that growing up with all the lies and deception was the primary cause.

Last year I began to put together a family tree focused on the family I knew growing up as well as my wife's, not my father's.  But after some time I found out several things that finally led me to find his second wife and my two half sisters.  I also found out that he died in 1995. 

My dilemma is this; I really would like to know if my father was looking for me and was he somehow discouraged to do so.  The divorce took place in Florida, not New York, which makes me wonder if that was done to make it seem that we had moved there.  I'm somewhat reluctant to contact them, because I don't know if he ever told his new wife about me and his first marriage.  He probably did, because while doing my research I spoke to an office worker at the church who knew him as a very nice man.

So do I jump into their lives after all this time?  Especially now at Christmas?  In my heart I want to know more about my father.  I just don't want to disrupt his widow's and daughters' lives.

I welcome your advice.  Please pray for me a sinner.

I wish you all a very Blessed Nativity.

Psalti Boy

PS   I would like to apologize to anyone I may have offended or hurt in anyway by my actions or words.  I know I can be a pain most times, but I don't mean to be.  I pray that once I get my head screwed on tight enough, I should be a more pleasant person

« Last Edit: December 21, 2008, 07:54:19 AM by Psalti Boy » Logged
Fr. George
formerly "Cleveland"
Administrator
Stratopedarches
*******
Offline Offline

Faith: Orthodox (Catholic) Christian
Jurisdiction: GOA - Metropolis of Pittsburgh
Posts: 20,053


May the Lord bless you and keep you always!


« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2008, 08:26:16 AM »

Lord, have mercy on your servant!
Logged

"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the one who can't read them." Mark Twain
---------------------
Ordained on 17 & 18-Oct 2009. Please forgive me if earlier posts are poorly worded or incorrect in any way.
ozgeorge
I'll take you for who you are if you take me for everything.
Hoplitarches
*************
Offline Offline

Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: Oecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople, the New Rome, the Great Church of Christ.
Posts: 16,382


My plans for retirement.


WWW
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2008, 08:31:32 AM »

Lord, turn not away Thy Face from Thy child.
Logged

If you're living a happy life as a Christian, you're doing something wrong.
FrChris
The Rodney Dangerfield of OC.net
Site Supporter
Taxiarches
*****
Offline Offline

Faith: Orthodox Christian
Posts: 7,252


Holy Father Patrick, thank you for your help!


« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2008, 09:33:37 AM »

Lord have mercy, and guide Your servant!
Logged

"As the sparrow flees from a hawk, so the man seeking humility flees from an argument". St John Climacus
Heorhij
Merarches
***********
Offline Offline

Faith: Orthodox
Jurisdiction: GOA, for now, but my heart belongs to the Ukrainian Orthodox Church
Posts: 8,576



WWW
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2008, 10:16:01 AM »

Lord, have mercy!
Logged

Love never fails.
ialmisry
There's nothing John of Damascus can't answer
Warned
Hypatos
*****************
Offline Offline

Faith: جامعي Arab confesssing the Orthodox Faith of the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church
Jurisdiction: Antioch (for now), but my heart belongs to Alexandria
Posts: 37,483



« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2008, 10:42:02 AM »

Greetings all,

Forgive me for not posting in such a long time.  I have been struggling with several issues, one of which I would like your prayers and advice, especially if you have faced a similar situation.

My parents divorced when I was about 2 years old.  I never got to know my biological father but do remember one visit when he brought me some toys.  My mother refuses to talk about him at all.  Unfortunately she wants to take that part of her life to the grave with her, no matter how much hurt not knowing about him causes me.  My uncle, her brother will throw out bits of information if I push him, but I do admire and respect his loyalty to his sister.

Growing up we went to a church on the other side of town to avoid seeing him or his family.  When I got married, we were forced to also go to that far away church and have our kids baptized there.  Thus making it hard to get to church often.

While away in the military, I was talked into having my surname changed to that of my stepfather.  (Why didn't just adopt me sooner and avoid all the questions I had and not able to get answers to growing up?)  I recently was diagnosed with severe depression and a deep inner sadness.  The psychologist believes that growing up with all the lies and deception was the primary cause.

Last year I began to put together a family tree focused on the family I knew growing up as well as my wife's, not my father's.  But after some time I found out several things that finally led me to find his second wife and my two half sisters.  I also found out that he died in 1995. 

My dilemma is this; I really would like to know if my father was looking for me and was he somehow discouraged to do so.  The divorce took place in Florida, not New York, which makes me wonder if that was done to make it seem that we had moved there.  I'm somewhat reluctant to contact them, because I don't know if he ever told his new wife about me and his first marriage.  He probably did, because while doing my research I spoke to an office worker at the church who knew him as a very nice man.

So do I jump into their lives after all this time?  Especially now at Christmas?  In my heart I want to know more about my father.  I just don't want to disrupt his widow's and daughters' lives.

I welcome your advice.  Please pray for me a sinner.

I wish you all a very Blessed Nativity.

Psalti Boy

PS   I would like to apologize to anyone I may have offended or hurt in anyway by my actions or words.  I know I can be a pain most times, but I don't mean to be.  I pray that once I get my head screwed on tight enough, I should be a more pleasant person



Lord have mercy, and guide your servant!

Psalti boy.  I would advise, because of the uncertainty of how your father's other family will react, NOT to contact them before Christmas, but soon afterwards if you wish.  That way if the reaction is bad, it won't become associated with Christmas, but if the reaction is good, it will.

I am sorry that he has passed on (was he also Orthodox?).  I don't have your situation, but I am (actually now, was) on the opposite side, and let me tell you that the Divorce court system does everything in its power, commesurate with mom's desire, to reduce you to nothing more than a support check, and reduce your children to nothing more than an economic burden.  Your case is a classic example of how fathers aren't as expendable as society would like.  (btw, there's a theological point of the Fatherhood of the Father in there).  Yes, there is a good chance the divorce was in Florida in order to eliminate your father (your mother would have had to had established residence there first to file there), and from what you say of your mother (especially about your wedding and name change, at an age when it is YOUR decision), her controlling is beyond control.  The situation for fathers in court is bad enough now, when your parents divorced I am sure your father faced a number of hurdles, possibly, given the description you gave, of being ordered not to contact you.

One of the wisest words I heard on the divorce mill is that the divorce is going to be as acrimoneous and abnoxious as the wife wants, and my case fit that rule. From what you say, I would think your father faced an even worse situation.

PM if you would like.  And in any case, Merry Christmas!
« Last Edit: December 21, 2008, 10:47:31 AM by ialmisry » Logged

Question a friend, perhaps he did not do it; but if he did anything so that he may do it no more.
A hasty quarrel kindles fire,
and urgent strife sheds blood.
If you blow on a spark, it will glow;
if you spit on it, it will be put out;
                           and both come out of your mouth
Psalti Boy
High Elder
******
Offline Offline

Faith: Christian
Jurisdiction: Don't need one
Posts: 842



« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2008, 06:41:17 PM »


[/quote]

Psalti boy.  I would advise, because of the uncertainty of how your father's other family will react, NOT to contact them before Christmas, but soon afterwards if you wish.  That way if the reaction is bad, it won't become associated with Christmas, but if the reaction is good, it will.

I am sorry that he has passed on (was he also Orthodox?). 

Yes he was.

Yes, there is a good chance the divorce was in Florida in order to eliminate your father (your mother would have had to had established residence there first to file there),

We had relatives in Tarpon Springs so that was easy.  That's where I found the divorce decree.

PM if you would like.  And in any case, Merry Christmas!

Thank you.
PB
[/quote]
« Last Edit: December 21, 2008, 06:41:45 PM by Psalti Boy » Logged
Entscheidungsproblem
Formerly Friul & Nebelpfade
Protokentarchos
*********
Offline Offline

Faith: Machine God
Posts: 4,495



WWW
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2008, 07:29:09 PM »

Lord, have mercy!
Logged

As a result of a thousand million years of evolution, the universe is becoming conscious of itself, able to understand something of its past history and its possible future.
-- Sir Julian Sorell Huxley FRS
SolEX01
Toumarches
************
Offline Offline

Faith: Orthodox
Jurisdiction: Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America, Holy Metropolis of New Jersey
Posts: 11,182


WWW
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2008, 09:38:42 PM »

Lord have mercy.

May the memory of Psalti Boy's father be eternal.

Amen!
Logged
Ian Lazarus
The Main Man!
OC.net guru
*******
Offline Offline

Faith: Eastern Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: AOA
Posts: 1,545


yIjah, Qey' 'oH!


« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2008, 11:35:43 PM »

Lord have mercy.
Logged

"For I am With thee, withersoever thou goest"

Joshua 1:9
Órëlaurëa
High Elder
******
Offline Offline

Faith: Orthodox
Jurisdiction: OCA Diocese of the midwest
Posts: 520



« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2008, 06:44:14 PM »

Lord have mercy on his servant, and comfort and guide him.
Logged

Domine Iesu Christe, Fili Dei, miserere mei, peccatricis.

órë: noun \"heart"\ (inner mind),   laurëa: adjective \"golden, like gold"\ http://www.uib.no/People/hnohf/quenya.htm
Riddikulus
Protokentarchos
*********
Offline Offline

Posts: 4,788



« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2008, 08:57:40 PM »

Lord, have mercy on your servant.
Logged

I believe in One God, maker of heaven and earth and of all things visible and invisible.

Nothing in biology makes sense except in the light of evolution.
Theodosius Dobzhansky, Russian Orthodox Christian (1900-1975)
ytterbiumanalyst
Professor Emeritus, CSA
Merarches
***********
Offline Offline

Faith: Christian
Jurisdiction: OCA Diocese of the Midwest
Posts: 8,790



« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2008, 10:43:16 PM »

Lord have mercy.
Logged

"It is remarkable that what we call the world...in what professes to be true...will allow in one man no blemishes, and in another no virtue."--Charles Dickens
stashko
Protokentarchos
*********
Offline Offline

Faith: ИСТОЧНИ ПРАВОСЛАВНИ СРБИН
Jurisdiction: Non Ecumenist Free Serbian Orthodox Church
Posts: 4,998


Wonderworking Sitka Icon


« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2008, 12:22:26 AM »

LORD HAVE MERCY,,AMEN AMEN...SmileyCentral.com" border="0
Logged

ГОСПОДЕ ГОСПОДЕ ,ПОГЛЕДАЈ СА НЕБА ,ДОЂИ И ПОСЕТИ ТВОЈ ВИНОГРАД ТВОЈА ДЕСНИЦА ПОСАДИЛА АМИН АМИН.
Trudy
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 150


WWW
« Reply #14 on: December 23, 2008, 10:39:58 AM »

My dilemma is this; I really would like to know if my father was looking for me and was he somehow discouraged to do so.  The divorce took place in Florida, not New York, which makes me wonder if that was done to make it seem that we had moved there.  I'm somewhat reluctant to contact them, because I don't know if he ever told his new wife about me and his first marriage.  He probably did, because while doing my research I spoke to an office worker at the church who knew him as a very nice man.

So do I jump into their lives after all this time?  Especially now at Christmas?  In my heart I want to know more about my father.  I just don't want to disrupt his widow's and daughters' lives.

Here is my two cents worth.  While my family situation is not the same as yours, there is some understanding because my son's bio-dad died when he was 18 months old.  When I remarried, the bio-Dad's side of the family basically abandoned my son, especially the grandfather.  Thus I have some small understanding of your feelings of sorrow and loss.

May I suggest that you put together a New Year's letter to mail to your father's widow?  Tell her that you are doing a family tree, are seeking information about your father, and that you learned he had passed away in 1995.  Would she be willing to share a few stories about him via telephone, as long as it would not cause her undue grief and sadness.

If she agrees to a telephone call, when you call her be sensitive to her age and sorrow (which I am sure you would be anyway!), and ask her questions like: 1) What is your fondest memory of him?  2) What were some of his favorite things to do?  3) Did he have a favorite sports team, favorite food, favorite vacation spot?  You will learn alot by the way she answers the questions.  I would suspect with a good listening ear and open heart, you will be able to read between the lines to get a sense of their relationship.  If it seems like it was a good relationship, when you conclude the conversation (after about 15 to 30 minutes), ask her for permission to call again.  If she agrees, then do so in 3 to 4 weeks.  That gives her time to tell her daughters and pastor about the call and process her feelings.

Perhaps you could write a similar letter to the church office worker with a request to speak further with them  for input for your family genealogy. 

After the first contact you will have a better sense of how to proceed I suspect.

Of course, continue prayers to the Theotokos about this.  She is a mother and understands the needs of children to know about their parentage.  Perhaps her mother, St. Anna, would be another one to pray to for the same reason.

Listen to your heart.  God will guide you.

In Christ, Athanasia (Trudy)
Logged

He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?  Micah 6:8
PeterTheAleut
The Right Blowhard Peter the Furtive of Yetts O'Muckhart
Section Moderator
Protospatharios
*****
Online Online

Faith: Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: OCA
Posts: 31,964


Lord, have mercy on the Christians in Mosul!


« Reply #15 on: December 23, 2008, 08:04:29 PM »

Lord, have mercy!
Logged
Tags:
Pages: 1   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.18 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Page created in 0.09 seconds with 42 queries.