Author Topic: Adult Bullies  (Read 1741 times)

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Offline Asteriktos

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Adult Bullies
« on: January 09, 2011, 03:08:19 AM »
In a management class I had they said that adult bullying is not uncommon, which suprised me. It's not usually physical intimidation, I guess, but more about abuse of power to pressure people into things (maybe something akin to this clip from Office Space). Has anyone ever experienced this? How did you handle it?

Offline sainthieu

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2011, 03:13:38 AM »
A lot of the time, a bully will collapse into dust if you confront him--but sometimes he don't. You have to be careful about who you confront.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2011, 03:14:02 AM by sainthieu »

Offline jaderook

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2011, 02:48:06 PM »
Yes.  I know quite a few adult bullies.  I handle it via being passive aggressive.  I let them say what they want to say and then ignore them and do as I please.  The key is to stay pleasant no matter their attitude or reaction.  You can't argue with people like that because they thrive on it.  Logic won't work either.  My advice is to let them have their day, the last word, the feeling that they're in control, and then go ahead and undermine it all you want later.  It's kind of entertaining to watch people like that get worked up when things don't happen exactly how they dictated to others they wanted it to happen.

Offline Aindriú

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2011, 02:49:31 PM »
Sarcasm.  :D

I'm going to need this.

Offline tuesdayschild

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2011, 03:00:09 PM »
I eat a can of spinach.

Offline orthonorm

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2011, 05:24:11 PM »
A lot of the time, a bully will collapse into dust if you confront him--but sometimes he don't. You have to be careful about who you confront.

A poor common misconception about "bullies". I've been known to push folks around and known many other who did as well, none of us would have "collapsed into dust", if pushed back. Like most behavior, people do what is generally successful in their history.

Few people get the point in life where they are able to constantly push people around without having proved it works in spite of resistance.

Seems the Christian teaching is pretty clear about how to handle those who attempt to intimidate and harm you.

Offline orthonorm

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2011, 05:27:13 PM »
Yes.  I know quite a few adult bullies.  I handle it via being passive aggressive.  I let them say what they want to say and then ignore them and do as I please.  The key is to stay pleasant no matter their attitude or reaction.  You can't argue with people like that because they thrive on it.  Logic won't work either.  My advice is to let them have their day, the last word, the feeling that they're in control, and then go ahead and undermine it all you want later.  It's kind of entertaining to watch people like that get worked up when things don't happen exactly how they dictated to others they wanted it to happen.


Again, we need to define what bullying is. Being passive-aggressive would have just gotten you slapped in mouth. As for undermining later . . . In a ******** match, he with the least to lose wins, in the worldly sense at least.


Offline jaderook

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2011, 09:33:47 PM »
Yes.  I know quite a few adult bullies.  I handle it via being passive aggressive.  I let them say what they want to say and then ignore them and do as I please.  The key is to stay pleasant no matter their attitude or reaction.  You can't argue with people like that because they thrive on it.  Logic won't work either.  My advice is to let them have their day, the last word, the feeling that they're in control, and then go ahead and undermine it all you want later.  It's kind of entertaining to watch people like that get worked up when things don't happen exactly how they dictated to others they wanted it to happen.


Again, we need to define what bullying is. Being passive-aggressive would have just gotten you slapped in mouth. As for undermining later . . . In a ******** match, he with the least to lose wins, in the worldly sense at least.



Bullying isn't only physical.  The most effective bullies don't need it. 

Me personally slapped?  I rather think not.  I was trained to avoid physical conflicts if possible- but I have also been trained to end them if a person insists and am more than capable of doing so.  My response wouldn't be the Christian one- to my shame- but all that aikido is difficult to turn off.

Offline MyMapleStory

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2011, 06:10:34 AM »
Somewhat in a course I did last year for hospitality. There was a very condescending attitude and almost nasty at times as if I was being laughed at for the expense of others,  towards me mostly because I was the odd one out of the class (pretty much all of them were atheists or non practicing Christians so I saw) and it depressed me a little over certain times of the year. But I did get over it, It was nothing major, but at times it did make me think.

But as for how I handled it, i suppose I just dismissed them as being important or having any bearing on me.

Offline David 2007

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2011, 12:09:08 PM »
In a management class I had they said that adult bullying is not uncommon, which suprised me. It's not usually physical intimidation, I guess, but more about abuse of power to pressure people into things (maybe something akin to this clip from Office Space). Has anyone ever experienced this? How did you handle it?

Unfortunately this is how most of the Adult world functions.

Bullies don't grow out of it, they just become more subtle. In some cases there is no need to be subtle.

The majority of managers I knew were bullies of some sort.

Just look at the gender glass ceiling.

It's a fallen world.

Offline David 2007

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2011, 12:14:22 PM »
Also in the business world, if you gain success as an employee it's often rarely through merit. If you are promoted etc because of merit - then you should celebrate and be thankful of your workplace. People find they often have to leave a place of employment, in order to progress and be promoted.

This is is why a lot of people start their own business, so they aren't bullied, and so they are rewarded for their own merit.

It's all a part of a top down power structure.

There are a lot of people in power/management that can barely tie their own shoe laces. But they are there because they are bottom feeders and bullies who place the system.

The most talented and hard working employees are rarely in management positions.


Offline Anastasios

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #11 on: January 11, 2011, 12:29:05 PM »

A poor common misconception about "bullies". I've been known to push folks around and known many other who did as well, none of us would have "collapsed into dust", if pushed back. Like most behavior, people do what is generally successful in their history.

Few people get the point in life where they are able to constantly push people around without having proved it works in spite of resistance.

Seems the Christian teaching is pretty clear about how to handle those who attempt to intimidate and harm you.

Notice that he said in "some" situations...I had a situation like he described happen to me in High School (granted this thread is about adult bullies though). Guy was trying to bully me, I got annoyed, threw him into a weight machine, and he backed down.  A bully tried to threaten my wife in High School, and when my wife stood up first and said "bring it on" the other girl left the room.  I also saw situations like what you described, where confrontation led to real fights.

The Christian teaching is pretty clear: turn the other cheek if possible, and defend yourself when necessary. We can't just lift Bible verses out of context.

(Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that my reaction to the would-be bully in High School was appropriate, but am rather making the point about confronting a bully working in some cases).
« Last Edit: January 11, 2011, 03:46:23 PM by Fr. Anastasios »
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Offline KBN1

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Re: Adult Bullies
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2011, 03:37:49 PM »
I have a neighbor/friend that is very good at resisting dysfunctional people, whether they are technically a bully or not.  He gave me some of the best advice I have ever received when I was talking to him about a situation with a bully-ish person.  He said, "Don't let someone's dysfunction make you dysfunctional."  People will be what they will be and I have had to work on not allowing it to engage me.  Watching how he deals with people has been quite a lesson.  If someone is trying to come over the top of him to make him do something he lets them yell or try to shame him or whatever their tactic is and when he doesn't engage that they stop and look at him for a second, not quite knowing what to do.  Bullies are use to a certain reaction and know how to elicit it as it plays into their script and keeps them in control.  In that moment when they are trying to figure out why they haven't gotten a reaction my friend looks them in the eyes and calmly and sincerely asks them how their day is going and if their is anything he can do to help them.  In most cases that disarms people.  If the person insists on acting crazy he again lets them do their thing and when an opening presents itself he asks them (again, calmly and sincerely without any sarcasm) "How is this working out for you?"  If people insist on being crazy he lets them be crazy.

This is a great article that talks about the aspects of dramatic and dysfunctional interaction.  I have been re-reading it about once a month for a few months now and not only has it helped me to remain calm when another person is not, it has forced me to recognize how I sometimes try to push or pull people into things as well.  http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html