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Author Topic: If their family didn't like you....  (Read 2229 times) Average Rating: 0
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Myrrh23
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« on: June 17, 2008, 11:38:36 AM »

For those that are married or dating:

Would you have married your significant other if their family hadn't liked you? For those dating, would you continue to date the other person if their family didn't like you? Why or why not for both.
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« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2008, 01:21:00 PM »

For those that are married or dating:

Would you have married your significant other if their family hadn't liked you? For those dating, would you continue to date the other person if their family didn't like you? Why or why not for both.

I wouldn't be with my fiancee now if I had given up.  Her dad was fine, but her mom thought I was "Ustashe" for a while.   Tongue  Now though, I am treated like a Prince; God bless male-centric/obsessive cultures, LOL!  Why?  Well, that one is easy, love.  I got lucky though, her opinion changed.
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« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2008, 01:36:18 PM »

For those that are married or dating:

Would you have married your significant other if their family hadn't liked you? For those dating, would you continue to date the other person if their family didn't like you? Why or why not for both.

Myrrh, I have no idea... The thing is, my wife's family liked me a lot from day one. I still don't know why. My future in-laws were (or at least seemed to be) a lot more supportive of me and a lot less critical than my biological parents, especially my mom. My mother-in-law still praises me to high heavens. Every time she speaks on the phone with my wife, she reminds her that I am the best man in the world and that she should cherish me.Smiley My wife, of course, always says, "that's because my mom just doesn't really know you." Smiley
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« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2008, 01:43:50 PM »

For those that are married or dating:

Would you have married your significant other if their family hadn't liked you? For those dating, would you continue to date the other person if their family didn't like you? Why or why not for both.

In my case, and I've written about this before here, my mother-in-law was (and still is to a large degree although she's gotten better since her heart attack) a very possessive, power-hungry and manipulative person who didn't have anything against me, per se, but was dead against anyone intervening in her relationship with her daughter (my wife) even though she had done most everything to destroy that relationship in the prior 10 years or so.  My mother-in-law is of the mind that she, and she alone, is the only one who truly loves her daughter and knows what's best for her in all things even when she's outright wrong about them. 

In the end, I stuck it out and pretty much ignored her little games, much to her dismay, although I did fall prey to one on the day of our engagement, but that's another story for another time.  Nowadays she has calmed down quite a bit once power was wrested from her and she realized that I'm not what she was afraid I was (my wife had a bad dating record, to say the least) and we get along, although I'm still far from enamoured with her treatment of her daughter. 

In short, you don't marry the family, although in some cases it may seem like it.  As St. Paul wrote, love conquers all, even crazy relatives.
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2008, 04:12:12 PM »

My husbands father likes me quite a bit, he always has. But his mom I think is still upset that her son married a weirdo like me. She always pictured him with a plain jane conservative baptist sort that would make her son cut his hair (it was long up until he joined the Army) wear chinos and polo shirts, stop playing guitar and not listen to anything harder than Petra.

What he got was a woman that; wants him to play guitar and never give up, loves his long hair and will braid it traditionally (when he has it), has a list of about 10 tattoos she wants, raised Pentacostal, american indian and encouraging of his exploration and acknowledgment of his american indian background....in short I am aware that I am and always will be a disappointment to my mother in law. I have dreamed of it being otherwise, but it hasn't changed. I will still try my best to be a good daughter in law, but I know that she will likely never see me as such.

Now my mother gave my husband absolute hell while we werte dating and up until recently. She once said to him "Shalome and Oheo (our eldest) belonged to me before they ever belonged to you!" She constantly tries to play us agaist each other; telling him I am a liar, telling me he is overbearing. After years of forcing my husband to stand back and listen to her berate me continuously,  I finally decided to step back and allow him to be my protector in all areas of my life. So now she calls him "the enforcer." Roll Eyes It has been hard to stand up to her. But ultimately it is better for our marriage and better for our children/family. My kids shouldn't see mommy called a liar, overdramatic and a host of other insults right in front of them. So I guess Schultz and my husband have similar in laws laugh
« Last Edit: June 17, 2008, 11:25:27 PM by Quinault » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2008, 04:31:46 PM »

For those that are married or dating:

Would you have married your significant other if their family hadn't liked you? For those dating, would you continue to date the other person if their family didn't like you? Why or why not for both.
Is there a context to this question? Should we know something about you?
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« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2008, 05:03:19 PM »

Wow, Quinault and Schultz - those are some tough, batty old witches you're dealing with.  Your patience and forbearance can only be improved by adding at least 300 miles between your house and the MIL's.
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« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2008, 05:45:36 PM »

Fortunately for me, Mr. Y's parents seem to like me quite a bit.  (Probably because we gave them a granddaughter within a year of the wedding!)  My parents also like him.  I'm so glad we don't have to worry about nutty in-laws, but I would have married him anyway.  I hate family drama but I'd endure it to be with him.  Ain't no mountain high enough.   Wink  laugh
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« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2008, 05:47:40 PM »

Wow, Quinault and Schultz - those are some tough, batty old witches you're dealing with.  Your patience and forbearance can only be improved by adding at least 300 miles between your house and the MIL's.

His mother is about 300 miles away, my mother is in Montana and we are in Seattle! So yes, they are far away.
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« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2008, 08:03:08 PM »

Yeah, I'd still have married her. You can usually avoid in-laws (except around the holidays), at least I think I could if I had to. Thankfully my in-laws are pretty normal and peaceful.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2008, 08:03:39 PM by Asteriktos » Logged
Myrrh23
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« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2008, 11:07:27 PM »

Quote
Is there a context to this question? Should we know something about you?

I'm not married or dating right now, but I imagine I'd be of the mind to get the hell outta dodge if his parents didn't like me. I dunno--
Quin's mother-in-law sounds a lot like my mother. I guess I'm afraid to have to deal with a parent-in-law or family member that comes across like my mother. That was hell enough...
I guess the context would be the perserverence we often see in the Saints, I dunno. I always feel bad when I throw in the towel with abusive friends, like I'm in the wrong for not adhering to "love conquers all".
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« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2008, 11:16:31 PM »

Well, my MIL and I never got along. Ever. Yet, I still married Presbytera, obviously.  So we got through this incredible opposition (MIL was trying to set up her daughter on dates within a month of our wedding, and once we were married she got even more intense in her dislike of me).

Nowadays we can laugh about it--how the MIL would rearrange and redecorate the house when she'd visit; how she'd refer to me in the third person pronoun (preferring 'it') while I was still in the room;  asking who the father was when we told her that we were expecting children, etc. Quite the experience, my MIL!  Cheesy

She's now reposed. May her memory be eternal!

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« Reply #12 on: June 17, 2008, 11:20:32 PM »

Oh my-that sounds so difficult- I simply can't imagine. No wonder you're such a saintly person, Fr. Chris!
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« Reply #13 on: June 17, 2008, 11:44:08 PM »

Well, my MIL and I never got along. Ever. Yet, I still married Presbytera, obviously.  So we got through this incredible opposition (MIL was trying to set up her daughter on dates within a month of our wedding, and once we were married she got even more intense in her dislike of me).

Nowadays we can laugh about it--how the MIL would rearrange and redecorate the house when she'd visit; how she'd refer to me in the third person pronoun (preferring 'it') while I was still in the room;  asking who the father was when we told her that we were expecting children, etc. Quite the experience, my MIL!  Cheesy

She's now reposed. May her memory be eternal!



Oh my! That would be difficult.

My mother in law thinks I don't know that she can't stand me. She doesn't actually say anything verbally, her body language speaks like a megahorn.

My mom yells and screams at my husband, calling him many "choice words." I am really glad that neither of us gave up on the other based on our in-laws behavior. Is dealing with the inlaws always easy? No. But I am brilliantly happy to be married to my husband, and if the price I pay is disapproval when I see my in-laws every few months, so be it.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2008, 11:45:21 PM by Quinault » Logged
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« Reply #14 on: June 17, 2008, 11:49:49 PM »

My mom yells and screams at my husband, calling him many "choice words." I am really glad that neither of us gave up on the other based on our in-laws behavior.

C'mon Quinalt are you kidding? I don't know what the cultural custom is for Native Americans but for Greeks screaming and "choice words" are the language of love. Cheesy
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« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2008, 11:55:29 PM »

My mom is as white as they come, whiter actually, french mostly.

But calling him a "anus" (use the many variations of swear words that are synonyms) everytime he answers the phone....well, that isn't the language of love. Roll Eyes
« Last Edit: June 17, 2008, 11:56:37 PM by Quinault » Logged
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« Reply #16 on: June 17, 2008, 11:57:04 PM »

My mom is as white as they come, whiter actually, french mostly.

But calling him a ***-ing anus everytime he answers the phone....well, that isn't the language of love. Roll Eyes

Sorry Quinault just having a bit of fun with you. Woah thats a bit full on though.
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« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2008, 12:01:03 AM »

Interupting someone while speaking is actually worse than punching them in the face. (that is the case with my husbands tribe the Iroquois). My indian background while "passionate" as I like to call it Cheesy was actually much more polite than my mother is with my husband. She doesn't have the passionate affection for him as a son-in-law, just the passionate hatred.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2008, 12:06:31 AM by Quinault » Logged
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« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2008, 12:02:03 AM »

Sorry Quinault just having a bit of fun with you. Woah thats a bit full on though.

I understand what you meant, and if the loving part was there, then that would be better. (My husband would still be aghast) But that part simply isn't there.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2008, 12:06:50 AM by Quinault » Logged
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« Reply #19 on: June 18, 2008, 12:39:07 AM »

Quote
I understand what you meant, and if the loving part was there, then that would be better. (My husband would still be aghast) But that part simply isn't there.

Kumbaya, my lord, Kumbaya.... Grin
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« Reply #20 on: June 18, 2008, 01:10:15 PM »

My husband's mother was friendly with me, until we got married.  Then she started acting manipulative, hateful, divisive, etc, mostly behind my back to my poor husband. Once, she ran away from me in a store when she saw me coming, which was painful, because I had her grandchild with me, so she was running away from him too.  She's a very hateful woman, and it took my husband a long time to stand up to her and her emotional abuse toward me. (There have been many incidents).  Once he stood up to her she became even nastier and she and FIL slander us to his brothers and sisters constantly.  Of course in the midst of this we left their religion (Mormonism) which as you can imagine has caused even more hatred on their part. They've completely disowned my husband and our kids, and she holds me entirely responsible for it all.

For our part, we still attempt to send cards on the holidays (last year we actually didn't get the card back), and to be forgiving toward them. It's taken 8 years and 3000 miles for me to be able to kind of let go of it all. It was very painful, but I realize it wasn't me personally, she would have done this to any woman that dared marry her son.  Even knowing all this, I still would have married my hubby!  Grin
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« Reply #21 on: June 18, 2008, 03:26:57 PM »

Wow, Quinault and Schultz - those are some tough, batty old witches you're dealing with.  Your patience and forbearance can only be improved by adding at least 300 miles between your house and the MIL's.

Well, like I said, she's gotten better, especially since her brush with death.

But they do live less than 10 miles away and we see them on a regular basis.  My wife still talks to her mother on a daily basis.  Aside from a few isolated incidents, I get along fine with her mother, but I do tend to keep her at arms length, so to speak. 
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