Author Topic: Right Time to find a spouse  (Read 14945 times)

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Offline EofK

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #45 on: June 20, 2008, 11:33:19 AM »
I do think your views are honorable and I agree with most of them except this one:

2. You will not have any emotional attachment (of the kind u have with your life partner) with any women before marriage.

1. If I claim to be in love, isnt it the same as committing adultery?

I don't think it is the same, nor do I think having deep emotional attachments before marriage is wrong.  I dated a couple of people before I married and I don't feel any emotional attachment I had from then constitutes adultery.  I don't feel that my husband committed adultery when he dated before he married me.  (I'm saying this from my own personal feelings, though, and not from any Orthodox teaching so maybe I'm in the wrong here.)  Could you tell me which church fathers you've read so I could get a feel for this idea?

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2. How can i tell some one that i love her and then ask her if she loves me? this in my view is clearly adultery. In loving someone i am not married to , i have crossed the boundary of a brotherly affection.

I don't think so.  I think you're confused the lines of love and lust.  There's nothing wrong with loving someone, even with a deep affection seen with married folks.  The danger is when you begin thinking of this person in terms of only desire.  If you're asking her if she loves you with deep affection, I don't believe that is committing adultery. 

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3. I know  I m not ready for marriage. How can i ask some one whether she will marry me in the future? This is a great danger. Danger that we might develop emotional attachment. Might start thinking of the other more than usual. 

I find this commendable that you know you're not ready for marriage.  Good!  It's a serious thing and should be approached with caution, prayer, and more caution.  I wouldn't see any harm in talking about it, but you might be more comfortable with just waiting and seeing how things develop.  Ultimately, it's up to you to take action with this.  I think we're just cautioning you from waiting too long until she gets away from you.  On the other hand, you may meet someone else who is more suitable, too.


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1. If i truly love her only then marry her. ( I believe even if i wake up one day with my memory wiped out and I m shown a woman and told that she is my wife whom i married in christ... then i will still love her... even if i dont have the least recollection of her ... love is not a feeling ... its a decision... )

It's a little of both, in my opinion.  Marriage can't be based solely on feelings because those feelings change over time.  Too many couples marry in the heat of the moment and then when the flames die down, they think they're not in love anymore because they've been coasting on emotions.  In order for marriage to really work it has to be worked out.  I have to continually remind myself that I'm washing a mound of dishes because I love my husband and I wouldn't wish a mound of dishes on anyone, let alone him.  There are a few times when I have to make a conscious decision to ignore his quirks or put off something I want to do so I can help him.  At the same time, though, I was (and still am) attracted to him and I do have a deep emotional attachment to him.  But then, to each his own, too.  I'm a more emotional person, so I cultivate that attachment.  You may be more rational than I. 

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have i got my confusion across????? the thin line between adultery in heart and love??? between staying faithful to your future wife and love......... am i making sense?

Yeah, I just think we approach the subject in totally different ways.  :)
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams

Offline mariner

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #46 on: June 20, 2008, 11:57:17 AM »
I’ve visited this forum for months (years?) and I am just now registering. I actually typed out a larger reply but EofK beat me to the punch and said everything I was going to say, only much more eloquently than I ever could. You should really reread her reply a couple times to let it sink in. It's an excellent post.

All I can add is that I highly recommend reading this short article. I think it is the best thing I have ever read concerning marriage. It won’t take long and I think you will get a lot out of it:

Marriage: The Great Sacrament
By Archimandrite Aimilianos of Simonopetra, Mount Athos
http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/marriage.aspx


Offline ytterbiumanalyst

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #47 on: June 20, 2008, 11:59:29 AM »
Welcome to the forum, and thank you for your contribution! Don't be afraid to join the discussion; even if someone agrees with your point, you have your own perspective on the matter, and it is quite helpful to hear multiple perspectives.
"It is remarkable that what we call the world...in what professes to be true...will allow in one man no blemishes, and in another no virtue."--Charles Dickens

Offline EofK

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #48 on: June 20, 2008, 12:14:07 PM »
^Wow, thanks!  I sed somethin' smart!   :laugh:  Thanks for the recommendation and welcome to the forum, even if you've been around a while.  :)
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams

Offline Heorhij

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #49 on: June 20, 2008, 12:23:14 PM »
Eofk, Thanks for the prompt reply.

However , it seems i wasnt able to put forward my question correctly.

My Views( which i have based on the teachings of the elders in the church and the bible)
1. You will love only ur wife ( in the way u love a wife) and that too after marriage
2. You will not have any emotional attachment (of the kind u have with your life partner) with any women before marriage.

EofK and Mariner have already commented on that, and I agree with them. I think that while we are called to be pure (which means either one wife, or no wife), being in love before marriage and having emotional attachments before marriage is not sinful. What is sinful is making your loved one an "object," de-humanizing her (or him). When, instead of seeing a wonderful human being, you see only something that triggers your desire, be it fleshly/erotic or mental/emotional. That is not good, that indeed makes one un-chaste, or "lusting."

My Confusions:
1. If I claim to be in love, isnt it the same as committing adultery?

No. There is nothing wrong about being in love - it is only wrong to be "in lust" (see above).
« Last Edit: June 20, 2008, 04:12:47 PM by Heorhij »
Love never fails.

Offline kurielaison

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #50 on: June 21, 2008, 01:31:01 AM »
Thank you all so much for the replies.
I see the points you have made Eofk. Maybe its a difference in cultural upbringing that led to my train of thoughts being different from the people who are on this forum. We believe in the same Living Almighty God. I m sure he is only more than eager to lead us in the right path. Keep praying for me and for everyone else in this forum.

Offline kurielaison

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #51 on: June 21, 2008, 01:41:46 AM »
And yea , Mariner thank you so much for that link. I had read it before i came to this forum :) or for that matter even before i thought about marriage :D. I read it after you sent the link too. It definitely is a highly recommended article. 

Offline EofK

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Re: Right Time to find a spouse
« Reply #52 on: June 21, 2008, 10:26:47 AM »
Thank you all so much for the replies.
I see the points you have made Eofk. Maybe its a difference in cultural upbringing that led to my train of thoughts being different from the people who are on this forum. We believe in the same Living Almighty God. I m sure he is only more than eager to lead us in the right path. Keep praying for me and for everyone else in this forum.

Absolutely, brother.  :)  Lord have mercy on us all!
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams