Stupid Things I've Learned in Life

[TinaG]

• If you put an ant on a copy machine and increase the magnification to 200%, the ant is still only the size of a large grain of rice.  (Learned today on my lunch break.  Learning is a lifelong passion isn't it.)
• Always feed gulls and pigeons upwind.
• You must start Dark Side of the Moon exactly as the MGM lion roars in Wizard of Oz
• Never ride a motorcycle in shorts, on a muddy street while checking out cute construction workers. (And certainly don't tell the doctor at the emergency room that's how you got the 2nd and 3rd degree burns on your leg.

I'd love to hear some of the wisdom my fellow OC Netters have gained from living life (usually on the wild side of youth).
[/list]

[Veniamin]

• Coating the inside of a fellow camp counselor's swim trunks with Gold Bond powder right before he jumps in the pool is not a good way to make him your friend.
• Especially if he's a jerk.
• It will, however, make all the other counselors your friends.
• Yes, you really can joust in Wal-Mart with shopping carts, brooms, and trash can lids.
• My boss likes the funny motions I draft at work (like the Motion to Prohibit Stupid Motions)...except for when I put his name on them.

[Quinault]

• If you snort alka seltzer it makes your nose foam and bleed
  (I personally have never done this, but a stupid boy that wouldn't stop pestering me to sell him coke in my highschool science class found that out the hard way. And yes I am aware that is an evil thing to do to someone...now. Back then it was just funny.)
• Asking repeatedly for milk at an Orange Julius stand that doesn't sell milk will give you a very snide remark from the minimum wage slaves. ("I am sorry sir, but none of us are lactating today)
• Telling your principal that;
  1) You can't be a warlock since you are female and
  2)IF you were a warlock he would be dead,
  results in expulsion not only from your school, but all other schools in the district, and a permanent ban from ever stepping foot on the campus again without criminal charges.
• Lighting a candle and leaving it in your locker tends to freak out the hierarchy at a highscool. Although it DOES smell nice.
• Even though there is no sign on a mall that says you are not allowed to ride a bike inside of it, they still get really upset and ban you from the mall for life if you do it, and put up a sign that says no bike riding in the mall

[Veniamin]

For everyone wondering how to use the bullet points, here's a quick primer.

1.  Start with [ list ] on the first line.
2.  On the second line (this will be where your first bullet appears) start with [ li ].  When done with your point, end with [ /li ].
3.  For your next bullet, start with [ li ], close with [ /li ].
4.  You get the idea.
5.  Once your list is done, close your list with [ /list ].
6.  Of course, make sure to remove the spaces that I put in the examples above.

Veniamin, FFA Moderator

[AMM]

Beer as a mixer for Wild Turkey can have unexpected results.

[jayjay]

Before you spit out the car window, make sure it's wound down.

[TinaG]

How about checking your rear view mirror to make sure your garage door actually went up before you pull out of the garage?

[Heorhij]

One thing I recently learned... This past August, my wife and I, for the first time in our lives, bought a car with all these fancy modern things like remote controls attached to the key. It has little icons showing a doorlock in the locked position and the doorlock in the unlocked position. I learned that when you walk down the university hallway approaching your locked office, no matter how many times and how aggressively you press on the remote control with the "unlocked" icon, the office door will still not open... 

[Αριστοκλής]

Never drive directly beneath seagulls perched on bridge lights while driving a 1965 MGB with the top down. 

[Schultz]

One thing I recently learned... This past August, my wife and I, for the first time in our lives, bought a car with all these fancy modern things like remote controls attached to the key. It has little icons showing a doorlock in the locked position and the doorlock in the unlocked position. I learned that when you walk down the university hallway approaching your locked office, no matter how many times and how aggressively you press on the remote control with the "unlocked" icon, the office door will still not open... 

HAHA!  This reminds me of the recent television commercial for the Sync technology that Ford is offering in its new Lincoln models.

[jlerms]

NEVER ASK a woman when her baby is due unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE she is pregnant!!  I did this while in an elevator and had to ride the whole way up with a seething woman next to me.  UGH. 

Juliana

[FrChris]

Never, ever read books while walking, and especially not while climbing or descending stairs!

If you suspect you're going to need to go dumpster diving because someone threw something out you now need, always let someone know!

If you are vacuuming the floor and find a stubborn piece of lint, remember to let go of the piece when you run the vacuum cleaner over it!

After you break your nose in a rugby match, you really should go to a doctor sometime, and not trust your Australian car mechanic/coach's medical knowledge!

Do not dangle your keys out of your pockets when you enter elevator cars in anticipation of going home---the need to search the elevator pit for them will make you hours late in getting where you were anticipating!

[Entscheidungsproblem]

Do not dangle your keys out of your pockets when you enter elevator cars in anticipation of going home---the need to search the elevator pit for them will make you hours late in getting where you were anticipating!

LoL!  I'm glad I am not the only one who has done that.   

[EofK]

• Never stick your toe in the bathtub faucet just to see if it will fit.  (Hey, I was five. That's what five year olds do.)
• Never try to break up a cat fight while being in the same county as the fighting cats.  Unless you have a garden hose.  Fire hoses are better.
• When your older and very cruel brother tells you to close your eyes and put out your hand, NEVER NEVER NEVER obey.

[ytterbiumanalyst]

• Never try to break up a cat fight while being in the same county as the fighting cats.  Unless you have a garden hose.  Fire hoses are better.

So I'm guessing you now appreciate that Remote-Detonation Cat-Fight Bomb you once said I'd never use....

[EofK]

So I'm guessing you now appreciate that Remote-Detonation Cat-Fight Bomb you once said I'd never use....

Absolutely!  I will push the shiny red button myself.

[ComingHome]

2 things:

1)Never turn on the jacuzzi when it is only half full. 

2)Never use bubble soap in a whirlpool--at least never use more than say half the bottle at one time.  It took me hours to get rid of all those bubbles!

[Órëlaurëa]

• Never put maple tree seeds up your nose on a dare. Odds are it will get stuck, and your little 3-year-old self will be hauled to the doctor for an extraction.
• When your gas water-heater's pilot light has blown out, never try to relight it immediately. If the gas has had time to accumulate, there will be a fireball, and you will be burned. It's best to turn the gas off and leave it for at least five minutes. This will save you the ER visit, and the overnight stay in the hospital (possible inhalation of the fire), and of course, those lovely first and second degree facial burns.

edited for spelling

[PeterTheAleut]

Before you spit out the car window, make sure it's wound down.

And make sure there's not another car in your blind spot when you do spit, especially if that car has its windows down.  (I've never done this, but I can imagine the consequences.)

[PeterTheAleut]

• Watch where you stick your elbow in the chemistry lab.  (I once burned a hole in my sweater by planting my elbow on a small puddle of sulfuric acid that had fallen onto the lab table.)
• Never wash a bill cap in the dishwasher with laundry soap.  (I had the kitchen floor swimming in suds with that one.)
• Never drink too many Sobe No Fear energy drinks in one day.  (That one sent me to the emergency room with heart palpitations from a caffeine overdose.)

[TinaG]

NEVER ASK a woman when her baby is due unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE she is pregnant!!  I did this while in an elevator and had to ride the whole way up with a seething woman next to me.  UGH. 
Juliana

Ouch, done that myself and there is no easy way to get out of that one.  You'da thunk I'd learned something from being pregnant a couple of times myself.

[Myrrh23]

Hey Guys! 


(1) Never jump out of a friend's high tree house when he tells you he'll give you $5...(he gave me $3 instead..the bum!)

(2) If you have curly hair like me, always brush your hair after the shower, even though not brushing it gives you way more nice curls. I ended up having to cut and shave all my hair off and am still waiting for it to grow out longer because I got a huge knot in my hair that look like a giant sabertooth tiger-worthy hairball.

(3) If you break your glasses in the shower (don't ask me why they were in the shower with me ), it is not a good idea to try to superglue part of the frame back together, as well as the lens inside the frame....and then use paint remover to try to get all the superglue streaks off the glass.

(4) If you're a college freshman living with a roommate, it is not a good idea to substitute dried apricots for chocolate in a effort to eat better...and then eat the whole bag...and then constantly wake up at night for the next two nights with constant flatulence. I honestly didn't know dried apricots would do this to me....

(5) It is not a good idea to try and hatch a regular supermarket egg in one of your snowboots, and then forget that you put it there. I did that when I was 5.

Myrrh23

[Asteriktos]

• A stick in the eye will hurt a lot.
• My friend used to say "you can't beat that with a stick" to express approval.
• People who like to drink beer also like to burp obnoxiously.

[orthonorm]

• A stick in the eye will hurt a lot.
• My friend used to say "you can't beat that with a stick" to express approval.
• People who like to drink beer also like to burp obnoxiously.

Off topic:

Great thread bump.

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