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Author Topic: An old (ironically insightful) protestant joke  (Read 8502 times) Average Rating: 0
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« on: November 24, 2007, 02:59:44 AM »

I recently was talking with a man who, years ago, converted to Orthodoxy after a lifetime of being a protestant.

He told me an old protestant joke that was ironically insightful (especially from an Orthodox perspective):


A protestant gets in a plane crash and ends up stuck on a deserted island.  Years go by, and finally someone else gets stuck on the same island with him. 

The protestant says: “Let me show you around.” 
Pointing to a small hut, he says: “That’s where I live.” 

The visitor then notices two other huts nearby.  “What are those huts for?”

The protestant replies: “Well this one is where I go to church, and that other one is where I USED to go to church.”


So sad, but good golly, so true!

Perhaps, ahem, SOME protestants are perpetually jumping from congregation to congregation because they don’t feel as if they are receiving the spiritual nourishment they need… failing to realize that perhaps the answer isn’t changing congregations/denominations, but going completely “outside of the box” and entering into communion with the One Holy Orthodox, Universal, Apostolic Church of Jesus Christ (Whom they already confess to be their Lord and Savior).

Praise God that Orthodoxy is the fastest growing Christian “denomination” in America!
May more and more protestants continually realize that they are branches which have been severed from the One Tree, and will be willing to receive the healing of being fully grafted back into the One Body of Christ.
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« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2007, 03:35:12 AM »

I was told a slightly different variation:

A plane crashes on an island with two Catholics, two Orthodox and two Baptists. The Catholics make a hut called St. Mary's Catholic Church. The Orthodox make one called All Saints Orthodox Church. The Baptists make one called the First Baptist Church...and one called the Second Baptist Church.  Grin

Regarding the other part of your post, most protestants I know who have been exposed to Orthodoxy consider it "too Roman" to be legitimate. Sad
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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2007, 04:51:21 AM »

I'd actually heard this variation:  An Orthodox Christian crashes into a desert island.  After a few years, someone else comes to the island and notices that the castaway has built two chapels.  The castaway explains it this way.  "This is the church I go to, and that is the church I'll never go to."
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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2007, 03:14:56 PM »

"This is the church I go to, and that is the church I'll never go to."

bud-dum-bum tssshhhh!   Grin
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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2007, 04:10:46 PM »

Praise God that Orthodoxy is the fastest growing Christian “denomination” in America!

I wouldn't get too excited over the Fastest Growing Christian Denomination in America slogan. The population of EO in this country is tiny.

(MTA) Not that I'm pooh-poohing. I'm all for the growth of traditional Christianity anywhere. Praise God for that.

 Just pointing out that a trickle looks like a groundswell when the pond is a puddle.
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« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2007, 04:44:48 PM »

^ I won't get too excited about your take either, Lub.
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« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2007, 10:33:31 PM »

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  (a) Three: one to fix the drinks, one to serve the drinks, adn one to call the repairman.
  (b) Ten: 1 to change the lightbulb and 9 to ask why the old one had to be changed and what it shame it was.

How many Orthodox does it take to change a lightbulb?
  CHANGE?!
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« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2007, 10:36:56 PM »

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. "Don't worry about me. I'll just sit here in the dark."
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« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2007, 10:46:51 PM »

Grin  I think we're on a roll
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« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2007, 10:51:59 PM »

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  (a) Three: one to fix the drinks, one to serve the drinks, adn one to call the repairman.
  (b) Ten: 1 to change the lightbulb and 9 to ask why the old one had to be changed and what it shame it was.

How many high church Anglicans does it take?

33:
Thurifur
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Two torches
Another Crucifer
Two Chalice bearers
An acolyte processing in with the new buib for blessing
Verger
Deacon
Two assisting priests
The rector
Twenty voice choir of men and boys

Define high church in West Virginia.
Two snakes.


A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor answered that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Greensboro, Tampa, Chicago and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign with the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?" The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now . . . it's a local call."

A line of people was formed up at the Pearly Gates, waiting to enter. St. Peter was checking their names off a clipboard. The next man stepped up and said, "Peter, I'm Jewish, can I still get in?"

St. Peter said, "Why, of course. We have a reciprocity agreement. Let me just check your records here . . . Uh oh. You know that BLT sandwich you had last week? The "B" is for bacon, and bacon is pork, and you know you're not allowed to eat pork. Sorry, come back later."

The next man stepped up. "St. Peter, I'm Roman Catholic, surely you'll let me
in." St. Peter says, "Why, of course. Let me just check the documentation here . . . Hmmmm -- you know that Big Mac you ate last Friday. It's Lent, you know -- no meat on Friday. You'll have to come back later."

The next man steps up. "I'm Episcopalian, I can get in right away, can't I?" St. Peter says, "Naturally! Let me just check this over . . . Uh oh. That vestry dinner last week? You ate your salad with the fish fork."


How many Baptists do you take with you on a fishing trip?
Two.  If you take one, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, neither will touch it.
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« Reply #10 on: November 26, 2007, 11:30:26 PM »

How many Baptists do you take with you on a fishing trip?
Two.  If you take one, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, neither will touch it.

That one is good. Grin
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« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2007, 12:57:07 AM »

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now . . . it's a local call."

"If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell." -- Gen. Philip Henry Sheridan
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« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2007, 07:04:21 PM »

I first came across the OP joke, btw, referring to EO. 

Looks like it's a joke about human behaviour rather then a particular religious bent.  Smiley

(I wonder if I should post some of the words to "I Am the Very Model of Today's Episcopalian" which goes to the tune of the "Major General's Song" from The Pirates of Penzance)

Ebor
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« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2007, 07:06:58 PM »

Then there was the time a drought in Texas was so bad that for baptisms the Baptists were sprinkling and the Episcopalians were using a damp wash rag.

(I got that from a friend who grew up in Texas with Baptist kin and is Episcopalian)

Ebor
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« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2007, 07:26:31 PM »

A Catholic, an Episcoplaian, an Agnostic and a Baptist are sitting down to a baked trout for dinner.
The Catholic cuts the head third of the fish and puts it on his plate saying: "The Pope is the head of the Church".
The Episcopalian cuts the middle third and puts it on his plate saying: "The truth lies between two extremes."
The Agnostic takes the tail third and puts it on his plate saying: "Only in the end shall we know the truth."
The Baptist looks at the empty dish, picks up the bowl of melted butter and throws it over the other three saying: "I baptise you all!"
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« Reply #15 on: November 27, 2007, 09:09:02 PM »

 Cheesy Grin Cheesy Grin

Good one! 
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« Reply #16 on: January 09, 2008, 05:57:58 AM »

A Priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to Gatlinburg & back into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.  "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

 

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

 

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 
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« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2008, 01:03:38 AM »

An Orthodox priest, a Protestant minister and a Jewish Rabbi are all fishing in a boat in a lake.

The priest looks around and says "We forgot the drinks."  So he jumps out of the boat, runs across the water to the shore and runs across the water back with the drinks.

Some time passes by and the Protestant minister says "We forgot the sandwiches."  So he, like the Orthodox priest, jumps out of the boat, runs across the water to the shore and runs back with the sandwiches.

The Jewish Rabbi thinks to himself "Hey, these two men of God could run on water, therefore I should be able to as well."  So some time passes when he says "We forgot the fishing licenses."  He jumps out of the boat and falls into the water!  The Protestant minister looks to the Orthodox priest and says "I don't think he saw the rocks, do you?"
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« Reply #18 on: May 08, 2008, 09:20:51 AM »

An Orthodox, a Methodist and a Roman Catholic all arrived at the pearly gates and were greeted there by St. Peter.

As they passed through the pearly gates they saw a great big wall. St. Peter said: "Shhhh!... You will have to be very quiet as we go past the wall." So, they were all very quiet as they passed the enclosure. After they had passed the enclosure they all wanted to know why they had to be so quiet. St. Peter said: "The Lutherans are in there and they think that they are the only ones here!"
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« Reply #19 on: May 08, 2008, 10:37:18 AM »

^Lutherans (especially Missouri synod Lutherans) tell that joke all the time (I used to be one) and the problem is that they don't treat it as a joke but as the way things really are (or, to them at least, should be). Cheesy
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« Reply #20 on: May 08, 2008, 11:49:56 AM »

I heard the same joke but with Southern Baptists featuring instead of Lutherans. (The Orthodox can also be a good substitute...  Tongue)
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« Reply #21 on: May 08, 2008, 11:51:47 AM »

^Oh, and one more possible modification: the angel says that those "exclusivists" are actually in Hell, but they do not know it and we do not want to disappoint them.  Grin
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« Reply #22 on: May 08, 2008, 09:19:02 PM »

^Oh, and one more possible modification: the angel says that those "exclusivists" are actually in Hell, but they do not know it and we do not want to disappoint them.  Grin
Spending eternity with nothing but Southern Baptists sounds pretty hellish to me.  Cheesy
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« Reply #23 on: May 08, 2008, 10:22:22 PM »

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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« Reply #24 on: May 08, 2008, 10:48:45 PM »

I heard the same joke but with Southern Baptists featuring instead of Lutherans. (The Orthodox can also be a good substitute...  Tongue)

I've heard it with RC and Baptists.  Smiley
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