Hey guys, I'm new to this board. I do have a concern that I would like to get some advice on. I am very unsure of my career path (I'm a 2nd year college student). I (like many other Copts) have chosen to persue medicine, mostly out of my parent's wishes.
Okay, I need to tell you a bit about myself first. As far as my spending habits, one virtue people have told me I have is contentness. I am not very sure if this is true though. I do not desire expensive cars or fancy houses, but I do spend alot of money on things for myself that people usually don't see. Such as books, movies, electronics, etc. I also like to spend money on improving my car, becuase I like classic autos (my car's not expensive or fancy at all, but it's old and breaking down). I like to travel too, so much money gets spent on gas and plane tickets. So far I have not had to worry much about money; I've held part-time jobs for quiet some time, but I get much help from my parents, who are somewhat wealthy. So to sum it all up, I do enjoy an above-average comfort, at least money wise.
I realize that graduating medical school will bring me the economic secuirity I need, and even though I don't really enjoy it, the idea of having a large bank account keeps me from changing my path. My problem is this: plainly put, I cannot say I'm a good man. I fear what my case would be in front of the Lord if I dropped dead today. I am working on changing my ways, but I only came back to Christianity after a few years where I stopped believing. My past is littered with alcohol and drug abuse, sexual immorality, and more. Some of this I have not repented from 100% yet, some of this is both my past and present. It is not as easy as I thought it would be. I am wondering if I am choosing medicine for the wrong reasons, and if it will just be another worldy pursuit for me that will hinder my attempt to rid myself of these failings. My parents say otherwise, claiming that I can stop my sins if I just concentrate on studying and bettering myself, but I don't know if I'm studying and "bettering" myself for more sinful reasons or not. Am I pursuing this career just for my own pride? The idea of becoming a doctor with alot of money and free time, although tempting, is begging the question in my head: what will I do with this money and free time? My parents always tell me that money is not evil if someone uses it correctly. I know this is true, but part that is disturbing me is the "if someone uses it correctly" part. Judging from my past history, I don't think I will. I do know that I find it impossible to pray before exams. My priest always tells me to pray before exams so I may do well, but what if God doesn't wish me to do well? I feel like praying before an exam is the equivilant of a homeless person praying for a house, but with the intentions of selling drugs out of the house.
The problem I'm struggling with is that everyone keeps telling me that my way of thinking on this subject is strange, and that medicine is the best path and I will regret it later if I change it now. Am I the only one who thinks this? Or am I really just being wierd?