« Last post by OrthoDisco on Today at 01:02:27 PM »
I am one who has struggled with depression and most likely ptsd since i was a child. I used to cry myself to sleep and pray for God to take my soul so i could be with Him. I was probably around 9 or 10 and didn't even know who God was. Yet this was strong in me that to be with God was release from what I was feeling and experiencing in my home environment. So I totally understand how you can just read the bible or prayers and feel an almost magical sense of relief for that window of time. I've experienced this multiple times throughout my life.
The only thing I can say is that if you need medication - do it. Genuine mental illness can be result of biology, pure and simple. Medicine can help with that. I've personally been on and off medication for most of my adult life, but im at the point where Im probably going to be getting back on it. (I personally hate it, but recognize that sometimes Im just physically defeated and need it.)
Take advantage of all the traditions the church has. There's real beauty and truth behind all of them that I feel really is like a therapy for those of us who are dealing with mental health issues.
How do you find peace best? For me it's quiet time in front of my icons with mostly jesus prayer, similar to how the monks do it. This is quiet stillness that I find my soul craves. Also being surrounded by nature where Im faced with God in such beauty and purity.
The bible tells us to set our mind on things above, not on things on this earth. (Collossians) So you are already doing that when your first instinct is to read the prayers. The psalms were always helpful to me when i was at my lowest. And I understand them even differently now, because the enemies mentioned in the psalms is often of a spiritual nature, or our own biology which the demons would love to see us succumb to. But we have hope that one day Jesus will call us to Him, and our bodies will be resurrected and healed of everything which plagues us today. So do not give up!
Somehow, I always knew it was wrong to take my own life even as a child. I cant tell you how i knew because I was not taught the bible, taken to church, and we were christian in name only. I would daydream about it, but I knew it was wrong.
You may be dealing with your depression for the rest of your life. You may need to be on medication for the rest of your life. I dont believe that "recovery" can happen for many of us. I think we learn how to live with it, how to manage it. And take the traditions and the various practices of the Church to heart, because these things become a medicine and therapy for us in a deeper way than others who don't deal with mental health issues. And if our conditions ultimately draw us closer to God, Glory to Him who saves. (That is hard things for me to say, but I choose to look at it as a path to my own salvation.)
I think each of our experiences and conditions are too unique. You have to find your connection with God Almighty in your own way.
God bless you ergro.