OrthodoxChristianity.net

Moderated Forums => Free-For-All => Religious Topics => Topic started by: mike on August 03, 2009, 07:03:08 AM

Title: Bad joke
Post by: mike on August 03, 2009, 07:03:08 AM
For some of you it can be considered insulting, but I do not want to insult anyone and only write it for fun. I've heard it from an EO Deacon, who heard it from a RC Priest.

As it's summer Holy Trinity gathers to discuss where to spend holidays.
- Let's go to the Egypt. - proposed God the Son - there are plenty of beautiful pyramids. I remember I enjoyed them when I was there as a Child.
- No way! - said God the Father - there is boiling hot. I'm old and bearded and it will be to hard for Me to stand it. Let's go to Palestine.
- I disagree. - said God the Son - It brings back bad memories for me. What about Rome? It's very popular now.
- Yes! Yes! - shouted God the Holy Spirit in a figure of a Dove, flapping It's wings with enthusiasm - I've not been there since 11th century!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: prodromas on August 03, 2009, 09:05:40 AM
HAHAHA This is brilliant, I absolutely love it :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on August 03, 2009, 09:14:40 AM
Hahaha! Although it's a bit of blasphemous for God, it's perfect for Rome. :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on September 04, 2009, 03:40:01 AM
(http://vader.joemonster.org/upload/zya/244686916e7ef4board.jpg)

source (http://www.joemonster.org/)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Papist on September 04, 2009, 02:27:31 PM
For some of you it can be considered insulting, but I do not want to insult anyone and only write it for fun. I've heard it from an EO Deacon, who heard it from a RC Priest.

As it's summer Holy Trinity gathers to discuss where to spend holidays.
- Let's go to the Egypt. - proposed God the Son - there are plenty of beautiful pyramids. I remember I enjoyed them when I was there as a Child.
- No way! - said God the Father - there is boiling hot. I'm old and bearded and it will be to hard for Me to stand it. Let's go to Palestine.
- I disagree. - said God the Son - It brings back bad memories for me. What about Rome? It's very popular now.
- Yes! Yes! - shouted God the Holy Spirit in a figure of a Dove, flapping It's wings with enthusiasm - I've not been there since 11th century!
Even I had to chuckle at this one. I guess it could be rewritten for Traditionalist Catholic audiences.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Pilgrim on September 06, 2009, 10:30:18 PM
Love the Mormon one as well. Then there are the Jehovahs Witnesses who made their own novel format, but changed it from the movie.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on September 08, 2009, 04:46:21 AM
Georgian toast:

A Priest once went to a beach to have a little of sunbathing and swimming in the Black Sea. There weren't any people around so he stripped naked and only covered his family jewels with his hat. After a while two young women appeared on the beach and realised that he is a Priest. They come to him and asked for a blessing. He stood up and blessed them with right hand, holding the hat with the left hand. Evil women asked him for a blessing with the left hand so he switched his hands. Finally Eve's descendands asked him for a blessing with both hands and he did that.

So let's drink for a hand that was holding the hat!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on September 08, 2009, 08:32:27 AM
Oh. Well. Hah. :P
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: admiralnick on September 08, 2009, 12:16:20 PM
How do you open windows in the church?


Click on any Icon. :laugh:

*Note: Not approved for iconoclasts*

-Nick
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on September 08, 2009, 02:16:12 PM
How do you open windows in the church?


Click on any Icon. :laugh:

*Note: Not approved for iconoclasts*

-Nick

It's very silly and that makes it funny :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LBK on September 08, 2009, 05:42:07 PM
How do you open windows in the church?


Click on any Icon. :laugh:

*Note: Not approved for iconoclasts*

-Nick

LOVE IT!!  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on September 10, 2009, 09:43:10 AM
Awesome, Nick! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on October 31, 2009, 06:59:33 PM
EO-RC theologists debate:

RC theologian: In the Bible there are many quotes supporting our dogma of Peter's primacy, but is there any verse supporting your theory that decisions were made by the Apostles collectively?

EO theologian: Mark 14, 50.

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: HandmaidenofGod on October 31, 2009, 07:03:40 PM
EO-RC theologists debate:

RC theologian: In the Bible there are many quotes supporting our dogma of Peter's primacy, but is there any verse supporting your theory that decisions were made by the Apostles collectively?

EO theologian: Mark 14, 50.



*rimshot
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Basil 320 on November 01, 2009, 12:38:20 AM
REPLY TO REPLY #12

Acts 15: 1-35 , "The Council in Jerusalem," is thought to be the president for episcopal assemblies and conciliar resolution of disputes within the church, I think.  I recall also, note that St. James, the local bishop, of Jerusalem, presided over this council, even though, both Sts. Peter and Paul, are called the "Chief Apostles," by the church.

Also, note that St. Peter did not select the apostle to replace Judas, but the Apostles gathered together and chose Mathias by lot.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on November 01, 2009, 08:00:30 AM
It was a joke only. As I see not funny for most of you, but do not treat it seriously.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on November 03, 2009, 11:09:02 AM
*slowly creeps out from the corner*
I liked it...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: admiralnick on November 03, 2009, 11:19:20 AM
I thought it was pretty good too.

-Nick
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: scamandrius on November 03, 2009, 03:08:34 PM
The importance of memorizing Scripture.

An elderly woman who lived alone was robbed one night.  Hearing noises, she went down stairs and saw a burglar in the dark taking some of her things.  She then said, in a loud voice, "Stop!  Acts 2:38."  The burglar froze and just stood there looking at her direction.  THe woman got out her cell phone, dialed 911 and the police came and arrested the burglar.  The arresting officer then asked the burglar why he didn't just run after he saw her.  THe burglar said, "Are you kidding?  She had an ax and two 38s!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on November 05, 2009, 09:44:07 AM
An elderly woman who lived alone was robbed one night.  Hearing noises, she went down stairs and saw a burglar in the dark taking some of her things.  She then said, in a loud voice, "Stop!  Acts 2:38."  The burglar froze and just stood there looking at her direction.  THe woman got out her cell phone, dialed 911 and the police came and arrested the burglar.  The arresting officer then asked the burglar why he didn't just run after he saw her.  THe burglar said, "Are you kidding?  She had an ax and two 38s!"
Awe-some. :o ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Heorhij on November 05, 2009, 12:52:58 PM
I liked this one.

A tall, lean man with a huge beard dressed in white linen tunic and wearing the Muslim "chalma" hat looks out from a cave in a desert. Two neatly dressed Jehovah's Witnesses stand near the cave, one of them saying to the man, "Would you like to study the Bible with us?"

The sign over this cartoon says, "And you thought nobody would ever find Bin Laden!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: sohma_hatori on November 10, 2009, 08:12:39 AM
I liked this one.

A tall, lean man with a huge beard dressed in white linen tunic and wearing the Muslim "chalma" hat looks out from a cave in a desert. Two neatly dressed Jehovah's Witnesses stand near the cave, one of them saying to the man, "Would you like to study the Bible with us?"

The sign over this cartoon says, "And you thought nobody would ever find Bin Laden!"

LOL!!  :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tallitot on November 10, 2009, 08:54:05 AM
A rabbi a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "hey is this some kind of joke?"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fr. George on November 10, 2009, 09:13:12 AM
There was an elderly Christian woman living next to an atheist.  Every day she would venture out onto her front porch, and give praise by shouting, "Glory to God!"  And each day, the atheist would hear it and shout back, "there is no God!"  This pattern continued for years.

When the elderly woman fell on hard times, it became difficult for her to keep up with expenses.  She continued, though, to give praise each day.  One day, she was going to run out of food and didn't have any money to purchase groceries.  She went out onto her porch and prayed to the Lord for food, and then finished with her usual, "Glory to God!"

The next morning, the woman went out to her porch, and found sitting there a bag of groceries.  She exclaimed, "Glory to God, who has given me food to eat!"  Suddenly, though, the atheist jumped out from a nearby bush and said, "Aha!  I have bought you those groceries - there is no God!"  The woman paused, and then cried out very loudly, "Glory to God!  You have not only provided me with food, but you've mad the devil pay for it!"

(Yes, that joke kicked off my stewardship sermon...)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tallitot on November 10, 2009, 09:16:24 AM
Q: How do you get a history major off your porch?

A: Pay for the pizza.


Q What do you call a med student who graduates last in his class?

A “Doctor.”
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on November 10, 2009, 03:35:02 PM
Q: How do you get a history major off your porch?

A: Pay for the pizza.


Q What do you call a med student who graduates last in his class?

A “Doctor.”


  :'( to the first one,  :o to the second
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on November 18, 2009, 09:34:05 AM
Thanks to a friend...it's a cool one. :P

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won. “I haven’t a clue,” said the rabbi. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said the rabbi. “We broke for lunch."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on November 18, 2009, 09:57:01 AM
GammaRay, perfect :D

Mine:

Jesus, while traveling with His Discpiples out of sudden said:
- y=3x^2-5x+7
- What is He talking about? - John asked his older brother?
- For me it looks like some kind of parable - James answered.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: ytterbiumanalyst on November 18, 2009, 12:45:44 PM
^ I think you mean to say parabola.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fr. George on November 18, 2009, 02:49:54 PM
Mike, let me suggest an improvement or two to your delivery:

Jesus, while traveling with His Discpiples out of sudden said y=3x^2-5x+7
"What is He talking about?" John asked his older brother.
James answered, "I don't know.  Sounds like another one of his parabolas!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Carl Kraeff (Second Chance) on November 18, 2009, 03:12:26 PM
Speaking of bad jokes, here is another.

A burglar breaks into a house at night. As he quietly creeps across the floor he suddenly hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you!".

He stops dead still and listens, but he doesn't hear anything.

He shines his flashlight around the room and he doesn't see anyone.

He takes another step. Again he hears "You better be careful, Jesus is watching you!"

Again he stops and remains still. Nothing. He takes another step..

"Oh ho, you're in trouble now. Jesus is watching you!"

He shines his flashlight around the room again. This time in the upper corner of the room he sees a parrot on a perch. The parrot says, "I told you to be careful, Jesus is watching you!"

He goes up to the parrot and shines his light in its face.

"Who are you?", he asks.

"Fishbowl" the parrot replies.

"What fool would name their parrot fishbowl?" he asks the parrot.

"The same fool that named his killer rotteweiler Jesus" the parrot answers.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on November 18, 2009, 03:55:52 PM
Okay, I had to google the word parabola. :-[
I've only heard that word once...from Tool, hah.

Second Chance, it's not the joke itself, but the fact that it's very popular and not much of an inside joke. :P
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on November 18, 2009, 06:26:00 PM
Mike, let me suggest an improvement or two to your delivery:

Thanks, Father.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on November 19, 2009, 05:26:25 AM
Mike, let me suggest an improvement or two to your delivery:

Jesus, while traveling with His Discpiples out of sudden said y=3x^2-5x+7
"What is He talking about?" John asked his older brother.
James answered, "I don't know.  Sounds like another one of his parabolas!"


 :D keep em comin'!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Andrew21091 on November 24, 2009, 03:03:09 PM
A rabbi a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "hey is this some kind of joke?"

 :laugh:

I was cracking up after reading this.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: jayjay on December 19, 2009, 01:34:08 PM
More bad jokes!!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree???
A. Because it was dead!!

A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "What? A drink named Fred??"

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Super Apostolic Bros. on December 19, 2009, 02:59:06 PM
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
To which a barfly replies, "Because he's a horse, you idiot."


In feudal Japan, the shogun summoned a Japanese swordsman, a Chinese swordsman and a Jewish swordsman to his court. He wanted to see which of these three was the best swordsman by making them strike a fly in mid flight.

The Japanese swordsman drew his sword. His fly fell down in two pieces.

The Chinese swordsman drew his sword in a flourish. His fly fell down in eight pieces.

The Jewish swordsman drew his sword and struck the fly. But the fly escaped.


The shogun was puzzled by the Jewish swordsman. "Sir, you did not kill your fly."
To which the Jewish swordsman replied, "My lord, circumcision is not lethal."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on December 19, 2009, 03:05:28 PM
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
To which a barfly replies, "Because he's a horse, you idiot."


In feudal Japan, the shogun summoned a Japanese swordsman, a Chinese swordsman and a Jewish swordsman to his court. He wanted to see which of these three was the best swordsman by making them strike a fly in mid flight.

The Japanese swordsman drew his sword. His fly fell down in two pieces.

The Chinese swordsman drew his sword in a flourish. His fly fell down in eight pieces.

The Jewish swordsman drew his sword and struck the fly. But the fly escaped.


The shogun was puzzled by the Jewish swordsman. "Sir, you did not kill your fly."
To which the Jewish swordsman replied, "My lord, circumcision is not lethal."

haha  :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: ms.hoorah on December 19, 2009, 05:46:38 PM
Four Orthodox ladies are having tea together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father’." 


The second Orthodox woman brags, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." 



The third Orthodox woman says smugly, "My son is the Metropolitan. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Orthodox woman sips her tea in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" 


She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard-bodied steel worker. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on December 19, 2009, 06:01:19 PM
More bad jokes!!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree???
A. Because it was dead!!

A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "What? A drink named Fred??"

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, why the long face??"
Two men walk into a bar.  You'd think the second one would have ducked.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: ytterbiumanalyst on December 20, 2009, 12:32:41 AM
One Sunday, the Cardinals were shocked to find out that the Holy Father was not present to give his sermon, as was ordinarily his custom. So they sent out three altar boys to find him.

The first returned very quickly and said, "I've searched all over the cathedral, but I can't find the Pope."

The second returned a short time later to report, "I've searched all over the Vatican, but the Pope is nowhere to be seen."

The Cardinals waited in earnest for the third altar boy to return. Finally he came alone, a dejected look on his face. Cardinal Joseph asked the boy, "Well, where is the Holy Father?"

"I found him, Father, but he told me he's sleeping in today."

"Sleeping in? How can he be sleeping in on a Sunday?"

"Well, Father," the boy said anxiously, "he told me he's just too pooped to Pope."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fr. David on December 21, 2009, 01:47:13 AM
Two old couples were walking out in the park together on a nice, sunny day.  As was their custom, the two men walked ahead of the two women, and each pair carried on their mostly separate conversations.

One man turned to his friend and said, "Oh, you just have to try this new restaurant my wife and I went to the other night.  It's just wonderful."

"Oh, really?" inquired his friend.  "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man though long and hard, his age getting the better of his memory.  "Well, um...oh, shoot...it...it, ummm...well, all right, you know that flower that, it's red, and it starts out all pulled together but later the petals open up into this beautiful red blossom...ah, what's the name of that flower?"

"A rose?" offered his friend, thinking he'd help him along in remembering the name.

His friend's face lit up.  "Yes!  That's it!  Rose!"  And then, turning back to his wife behind him, the man said, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to..."

 :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on January 01, 2010, 03:50:29 AM
Not jokes (see my current signature for those), but I always found these Scriptural verses funny, especially if taken out of context...

"and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along" - Judg. 7:13

"Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll." - Zech. 5:1
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on January 01, 2010, 05:16:19 AM
"Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll." - Zech. 5:1
FOOD FIGHT!!! :o
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on January 01, 2010, 12:58:23 PM


"and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along" - Judg. 7:13



Wow, that must have been one hefty loaf of barley bread!  :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on January 01, 2010, 05:52:23 PM
 ;D
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. :P
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 03, 2010, 10:00:57 AM
empty post
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on January 03, 2010, 03:12:58 PM
empty post
Ouch. Was it going to be this bad [a joke]? :-\
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 03, 2010, 03:26:40 PM
empty post
Ouch. Was it going to be this bad [a joke]? :-\

It wasn't actually a joke, but a wikipedia article. Very funny (at least for me), but full of bad words. I reconsidered that and deleted it.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on January 03, 2010, 08:48:39 PM
;D
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. :P

Perhaps.  Do you think that may be the source for "Holy Laughter" often practiced in pentacostal denominations?  ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GammaRay on January 12, 2010, 05:16:46 PM
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 30, 2010, 08:08:48 PM
A pious an rich man has bequeathed a high amount of money, where Monks will be praying for him exactly for the half of the time there is left for the Final Judgement. There were many candidates, but no one could prove that they will be praying for that time, because no one knows the date. Finally one Monastery received the money: Monks there will be praying for the benefactor every two days.

A rich man approached a Monk and said he would have given him 100$ if the Monk said where exactly does God live. The Monk replied: I'll give you 200$ when you say where God does not live!

A rich man entered a sauna in a hotel with two young women. He ordered drinks and some food and said to a waiter: Remember I want the salad with oil, not mayonnaise. There is Great Lent!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 16, 2010, 06:21:37 PM
Just saw this one on TV and thought it was imminently worthy of the title "bad joke"...

"When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds" - Woody Paige
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on February 17, 2010, 09:04:55 AM
(http://www.interfax-religion.ru/img/2389.jpg)

Russia: the only one country in the world, where the end of the world will take place two times: according to the new style and the old one

source (http://www.interfax-religion.ru/?act=mosaic&div=506)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 23, 2010, 02:28:23 PM
(http://buckingthewave.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/wife-beer.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on April 12, 2010, 11:29:52 PM
My sister recently sent me this one, and as a lover of corny/bad humor, I really liked it. I apologize if someone finds it offensive, I'm just going to reproduce it in the form that it was emailed to me...

Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees
 
Ees
 
Ees
 
Ees

Ees a ham bush....!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on May 03, 2010, 01:48:42 AM
I don't know if I've told this one on OC.net, and it is better told verbally but anyway...

Three ropes walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "hey, we don't serve your kind here". So the ropes walk out of the bar, and one of the ropes says "I have an idea. Twist me around a bit, and tear at my edges. That's it. Now make my ends all messy. Good, good. Now twist me all around myself." Then the rope walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "aren't you that rope that I just threw out?"  The rope looks around, as though he's not sure who the bartender is talking to, and then says "No, I'm afraid not".

Get it? Afraid not. A frayed knot.  :P
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: stanley123 on May 03, 2010, 02:52:40 AM
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Orthodox don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Irish Hermit on May 03, 2010, 04:09:42 AM
This is Heaven.  This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, have died in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter takes them to their mansion, which is decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooh and aaah" the old man asks Peter how much all this is going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replies, "this is Heaven."

Next they go to see the championship golf course that the home backs on  to. They will have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changes to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asks, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's replies, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they go to the clubhouse and see the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asks the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replies.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asks timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like, whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looks at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!


Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: ialmisry on May 03, 2010, 06:55:07 AM
This is Heaven.  This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, have died in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter takes them to their mansion, which is decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooh and aaah" the old man asks Peter how much all this is going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replies, "this is Heaven."

Next they go to see the championship golf course that the home backs on  to. They will have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changes to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asks, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's replies, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they go to the clubhouse and see the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asks the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replies.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asks timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like, whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looks at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!



Eat right. Exercise. Die anyways.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on May 26, 2010, 05:00:58 PM
Neither bad, nor joke but still funny.

A priest after the last in this academic year meeting of theological discussion group: Thank you for the opportunity to see some women in trousers instead of men in black dresses as I'm used to.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: David Carroll on May 26, 2010, 05:49:00 PM
Q: What do you call a gay Arian?
A: A homoisexual.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on August 02, 2010, 08:39:18 AM
A small village on Caucasus. A Priest covered with blood and out of wind enters a mosque during Friday's prayer and asks:
- Is there any brave Moslem?
After a few seconds of consternation a muscled one Moslem gets up and comes forward. They exit the mosque. The Priest explains his problem:
- We had a feast yesterday and we drank a bit. Today my wife asked me to slaughter a ram but I managed only to cut him a bit. He splashed everything with blood, is running on my yard. I won't caught him by myself. My wife suggested to ask you for help as you, Muslims, don't drink.
They went to the Priest's but they did not manage to caught the ram either. They got covered in blood only. The Moslem said:
- We won't succeed. Go to the mosque and ask one more man for help.
The Priest entered the mosque, more covered with blood and out of breath than before and... alone. He asks:
- Is there any brave Moslem?
After a few seconds of consternation the oldest Moslem stands before the crowd and kneels in front of the Priest:
- You've slaughtered the last one. Now we all are ready for baptism.

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 08, 2010, 01:22:01 AM


[Telephone Rings]
John: Hello?
Peter: Hey, ah, this is, ah, Peter Zookie.
John: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Peter: Yeah, this is, ah, Pete!
John: I'm not sure... uh...
Peter: You don't remember me, huh? What about my sister Susan?
John: Er... not ringing a bell, no...
Peter: You don't remember Suzy?
John: Not really, no...
Peter: Sue!
John: Look...
Peter: You've never heard of Sue Zookie? Sue Zookie! Vroom vroom!
[click]
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: stanley123 on October 08, 2010, 02:19:27 AM
A Protestant preacher was completing a temperance sermon on why Christians  should avoid alcohol. In concluding  he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood up and announced with a slight smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 777: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: MyMapleStory on October 08, 2010, 05:28:32 AM
(completely not mine)

A: It must suck being Catholic and Gay.

B: Not as much as a vampire being a Jehovah's witness.

And this is hte greatest joke in existence.

A:whats up?

B:the roof.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fabio Leite on October 08, 2010, 06:44:29 AM
An Orthodox priest, a RC priest and a prosperity theology pastor walk into a bar and start discussing how they make the share of the donations of the faithful.

The Orthodox priest said: "I take all the money with me near the altar and I throw it all up in the air. What God provides to fall on the altar is His, what falls on the floor is mine, the unworthy."

The RC priest replied: "Oh, I do something similar. I go near the altar with the money, throw it up in the air and what falls on the altar I take for me because it's usually less. What falls on the floor is God's."

The prosperity theology pastor then decided to share his own technique... : "Well friends, what I do looks like that too. I go near the altar with the money and throw it up in the air. What God wants He grabs, what falls down is mine."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 23, 2010, 11:26:34 PM
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 31, 2010, 01:27:39 PM
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Person 1: Pete and Repeat are sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Person 2: Repeat.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: chrevbel on October 31, 2010, 05:02:08 PM
A priest dies, and is greeted by St. Peter: "verything's much as you believed, except that you actually get to see both places and decide where you'll spend eternity."

"Oh, let's start with Heaven.  I've waited my whole life to see it."  After a quick tour, the priest announces his pleasure, to which Peter replies "Oh yes, we've worked hard on this place.  Everything here is quite perfect, of course.  For example, all of our policemen are British; our cooks are French, and our mechanics are German."

"Well, what's the other place like?"

"It kinda looks similar, except there, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics, and the British do the cooking."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: That person on October 31, 2010, 05:24:36 PM
;D
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. :P
Seeking inspiration, a man decided to open a New Testament to a random page and apply the first verse he sees to his life.
"Judas went out and hanged himself."
Unsure of how it was relevant to him, the man repeated the process.
"Go therefore and do likewise."
Rather nervous, the man opened his Bible again.
"What you will do, do quickly."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LBK on October 31, 2010, 10:45:20 PM
A priest dies, and is greeted by St. Peter: "verything's much as you believed, except that you actually get to see both places and decide where you'll spend eternity."

"Oh, let's start with Heaven.  I've waited my whole life to see it."  After a quick tour, the priest announces his pleasure, to which Peter replies "Oh yes, we've worked hard on this place.  Everything here is quite perfect, of course.  For example, all of our policemen are British; our cooks are French, and our mechanics are German."

"Well, what's the other place like?"

"It kinda looks similar, except there, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics, and the British do the cooking."

You missed out the Italians and Swiss: In heaven, the lovers are Italian, the organisers are
 Swiss. In hell, these are reversed.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on November 11, 2010, 05:12:52 PM
If you put a quarter in each ear, what are you listening to? Fifty Cent!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on November 11, 2010, 08:01:08 PM
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born at Auburn?

A: Because when Jesus was born, there were three wise men and a virgin.


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: synLeszka on November 11, 2010, 09:06:45 PM
This is very funny.
http://europa.eu/old-address.htm (http://europa.eu/old-address.htm)
Onward, Europe,
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on November 13, 2010, 04:47:17 PM
True story:

A Roman Catholic an Eastern Orthodox meet:

RC: Can you tell me the differences between our Churches?
EO: Well, so we don't believe in filiouque, Papal infallibility...
RC: What ???
EO: We don't believe in that.
< five minutes of thinking>
RC: So according to you, who is the Father?
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: jayjay on November 17, 2010, 07:39:16 AM
(true story)

One day during an arguement, my wife yelled at me "That's it, I'm leaving you"

I laughed, and said "You'll never leave me"

"Oh yeah" she said "Why not?"

"Because you don't want me to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



The other day I bought the older boy an I Pad, and he was thrilled. Last week I bought the younger boy an I Phone, and he was over the moon. So I decided to buy the Mrs an I Ron, and now she won't talk to me!!!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on November 17, 2010, 09:15:30 AM
The other day I bought the older boy an I Pad, and he was thrilled. Last week I bought the younger boy an I Phone, and he was over the moon. So I decided to buy the Mrs an I Ron, and now she won't talk to me!!!

That's my kinda joke!  ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on November 19, 2010, 02:56:03 AM
The other day I bought the older boy an I Pad, and he was thrilled. Last week I bought the younger boy an I Phone, and he was over the moon. So I decided to buy the Mrs an I Ron, and now she won't talk to me!!!

That's my kinda joke!  ;D

Well, does she at least use it?? ;)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on December 11, 2010, 07:02:57 PM
- Special thanks to female students of regent school who thanks to their appearance and behaviour helped students of seminary to choose the path of monasticism.

Two people meet on a train. After some introductory chat, they discover both are Orthodox and of Russian descent.
Vlad: Old Calendar or New Calendar?
Alex: Old.
Vlad: Very good. Do you have a three-hour Vigil in church every Saturday night and before every holy day, even if the holy day is on a Monday?
Alex: Yes.
Vlad: Excellent. Pews or no pews?
Alex: No.
Vlad: Clean-shaven or bearded priest?
Alex: Bearded.
Vlad: Does he wear his cassock and cross on the street?
Alex: Da.
Vlad: Is your jurisdiction ecumenist or non-ecumenist?
Alex: Non.
Vlad: Do you have an old-man Trinity icon?
Alex: Uh, yes.
Vlad: Aha! Heretic!

OK, how many Russian Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Orthodoxy never changes, and, in addition to burning candles like the Catholics, uses oil-burning lamps. ‘Electricity is for those Gregorian calendar-using, liberal ecumenist jurisdictions.’

There were 4 shrines in a town: an Orthodox Church, a RC Church, a synagogue and a Protestant Church. Each of the shrines was invaded by the squirrels. They were fussing during the services, fouling etc so in each Parish people were thinking how to ged rid of them. In a RC Parish they gently asked the squirrels to go out (after Vatican II) it was inappropriate to act harsher). The squirrels ignored the request and eventually one of them bit through the electricity cables and the Church burned down. In a Protestant Church they did nothing. The squirrels were sent by God and it was predesignated. Eventually one of them bit through the electricity cables and the Church burned down. In the synagogue they performed on squirrels a funny tricky rite called 'circumcision'. The angered squirrels left the synagogue but one of them bit through the electricity cables while leaving and the synagogue burned down. And what was done in the Orthodox Church? In the Orthodox Church the squirrels were baptised and chrismated and since then they had been seen there only on Pascha and the Nativity.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 06, 2011, 06:55:02 PM
There was a monk living in Palestine for 13 years, and he still had problems with even the most basic of tasks. Finally the abbot asked him what his problem was.  The monk answered: I think it's because, even after all this time, I'm still Anub.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 06, 2011, 07:19:33 PM
How do we know that they had automobiles in the 1st century? Because the Bible says that the Apostles were "all in one Accord".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on February 07, 2011, 08:17:32 AM
There was a monk living in Palestine for 13 years, and he still had problems with even the most basic of tasks. Finally the abbot asked him what his problem was.  The monk answered: I think it's because, even after all this time, I'm still Anub.

hehe...i think that's a online gamer inside joke ;)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ortho_cat on February 07, 2011, 08:18:27 AM
How do we know that they had automobiles in the 1st century? Because the Bible says that the Apostles were "all in one Accord".

That's awesome! They must have made them alot more roomier back then  :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: That person on February 07, 2011, 06:31:53 PM
;D
Taking verses out of context is very funny, but only if you're doing it for fun. :P
Seeking inspiration, a man decided to open a New Testament to a random page and apply the first verse he sees to his life.
"Judas went out and hanged himself."
Unsure of how it was relevant to him, the man repeated the process.
"Go therefore and do likewise."
Rather nervous, the man opened his Bible again.
"What you will do, do quickly."
A decidedly less dark variation on the joke:
A man, deep in debt, was at a loss for how to handle his financial situation. For the first time in a long time, he steps into a church and had a conversation with the pastor. After hearing the circumstances, the pastor was at a loss as to how to handle them. He told the man to close his eyes, pray for guidance, open his Bible, point his finger and read it. By the grace of God, what he pointed at would be just what he needed to read. The next time the pastor saw the man, he was driving a Cadillac and wearing a Ralph Lauren suit. Baffled that his half-hearted advice was successful, the pastor asked the man just what words he had pointed at. "Chapter 11" smiled the man.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Shiny on February 07, 2011, 07:11:04 PM
An Orthodox priest, a RC priest and a prosperity theology pastor walk into a bar and start discussing how they make the share of the donations of the faithful.

The Orthodox priest said: "I take all the money with me near the altar and I throw it all up in the air. What God provides to fall on the altar is His, what falls on the floor is mine, the unworthy."

The RC priest replied: "Oh, I do something similar. I go near the altar with the money, throw it up in the air and what falls on the altar I take for me because it's usually less. What falls on the floor is God's."

The prosperity theology pastor then decided to share his own technique... : "Well friends, what I do looks like that too. I go near the altar with the money and throw it up in the air. What God wants He grabs, what falls down is mine."
ROFL
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: orthonorm on February 07, 2011, 08:14:14 PM
Thank you all, I haven't heard the sound of crickets in a long time.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tzimis on February 07, 2011, 08:58:26 PM
There was once an elderly rich Greek man that had two sons. He asked his two sons to put all of his cash money in the casket with him when he dies. Because the sons loved the father so much. The sons agreed. When the day had finally come. His sons looked at all the cash and the eldest said to his younger brother. Instead of the cash lets write a check and put it in the casket instead of the cash. This way we will know for sure that there is a heaven when the check clears. The younger brother smiled and agreed. So they cut a check and used the cash.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on March 10, 2011, 04:17:36 PM
- How often do Orthodox Christians take showers during Lent?
- Orthodox Christians don't take showers during Lent. They purify themselves with a hyssop instead.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on March 10, 2011, 05:34:49 PM
Thank you all, I haven't heard the sound of crickets in a long time.

Well, it was a long winter, and spring time is approaching, so that makes sense (wocka wocka wocka!)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on April 06, 2011, 03:20:11 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Uc9fkLQqz4&feature=player_embedded

Bad video instead.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: jayjay on April 19, 2011, 12:40:11 AM
 Q. WHY DID GOD MAKE ADAM FIRST?
 A. TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO SAY SOMETHING WITHOUT BEING INTERUPTED.

 Q. WHY DO BRIDES WEAR WHITE?
 A. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT COLOUR ALL KITCHEN APPLIANCES COME IN!!

 A friend told me that you could tell that the Baptists are getting more and more liberal - now they wave to each other at the liquor store.

 Q. Why don't Baptists make love standing up??
 A. Because someone might see them and accuse them of dancing.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Carl Kraeff (Second Chance) on April 20, 2011, 10:36:51 AM
I am locking this thread until after Pascha because this topic, as much as I enjoy it, seems to be inappropriate for Holy Week. I apologize for being selfish and pray that everybody has a glorious Resurrection. SC
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on April 29, 2011, 05:15:02 PM
Q.  How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take, anyway?
A.  Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Red A. on April 29, 2011, 05:29:33 PM
I am locking this thread until after Pascha because this topic, as much as I enjoy it, seems to be inappropriate for Holy Week. I apologize for being selfish and pray that everybody has a glorious Resurrection. SC
I don't get it. ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on April 29, 2011, 10:18:46 PM
Bad joke from The Three Amigos... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1F0e6e-b50)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Veniamin on April 30, 2011, 01:19:48 PM
How many Baptists should you take with you on a fishing trip?  Two.  If you take one, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, neither will touch it.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on May 02, 2011, 01:40:44 AM
Sergei was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Liturgy every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up vodka."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Sergei looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: jayjay on May 02, 2011, 06:03:58 AM
A woman woke up one night and found her husband wasn't in bed. She walked down stairs, and found him at the kitchen table, sobbing hysterically.

"What's the matter, honey?" she said

He blubbered "Remember all those years ago when we met at the football game, and we hit it off, and we went for a drive to the lake??"

"Why yes" she replied, filling with adoration and love at their first date.

"And remember how we were making out, and then we jumped into the back seat?"

"I do" she said, her eyes filling with tears.

"And remember how your father, the local judge, caught us, and said that if I didn't marry you, he'd sentence me to twenty years in jail?"

"Oh darling, I do, I do" she cried, filled with love.

His sobbing became louder, and his sobs heavier, replying

"I would have got out today!!!!!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on May 19, 2011, 12:54:30 AM
Young Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horrible!" he said, "a car hit my dog in the ***!"

"Rectum," she said, correcting him.

"Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!"



Very funny joke :laugh:, but I still needed to mask the vulgarity to make it appropriate for this forum. I did the best I could to protect the impact of the humor, however.  -PtA

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on May 19, 2011, 05:26:09 AM
Auburn University's water polo team was expected to have a fantastic season, until tragedy struck: The horses drowned.


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on May 19, 2011, 05:29:49 AM
There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: JimCBrooklyn on May 19, 2011, 05:32:28 AM
There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.



Selam
You UGA or Bama?
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on May 19, 2011, 05:47:28 AM
There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.



Selam
You UGA or Bama?

This post should answer your question:
http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,10910.msg394330.html#msg394330

(BTW, the difference between UGA and The Barn is merely a matter of geography. ;))


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: JimCBrooklyn on May 19, 2011, 05:53:01 AM
There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.



Selam
You UGA or Bama?

This post should answer your question:
http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,10910.msg394330.html#msg394330

(BTW, the difference between UGA and The Barn is merely a matter of geography. ;))


Selam
Well, I assume you know why all the trees in Georgia point west, then?  ;)
GO DAWGS
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on May 19, 2011, 06:38:34 AM
There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.



Selam
You UGA or Bama?

This post should answer your question:
http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,10910.msg394330.html#msg394330

(BTW, the difference between UGA and The Barn is merely a matter of geography. ;))


Selam
Well, I assume you know why all the trees in Georgia point west, then?  ;)
GO DAWGS

No, I don't. I'm afraid to ask, but go ahead...


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: JimCBrooklyn on May 19, 2011, 10:30:09 AM
'Cuz Alabama sucks.

It's a very weak, but very commonly told joke in GA.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: That person on May 19, 2011, 04:47:43 PM
Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on May 20, 2011, 05:05:19 AM
'Cuz Alabama sucks.

It's a very weak, but very commonly told joke in GA.


lol!


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on May 20, 2011, 05:05:52 AM
Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?


Of course!  ;D


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: FrChris on May 20, 2011, 05:10:51 AM
'Cuz Alabama sucks.

It's a very weak, but very commonly told joke in GA.

Huh! I'm used to hearing this:

"Why doesn't OH crash into KY?"

"Because Michigan sucks!"

And when I went to school in KY I heard this a lot:

"What is a Buckeye but a useless, poisonous nut!"  :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: orthonorm on May 20, 2011, 12:01:58 PM
There was a terrible fire at the Auburn library last week. Unfortunately, both books were completely destroyed. And sadly, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.

Selam

First real laugh in this whole thread. I'll be using this one, but changing the Auburn bit.

Wish we could share real jokes here . . .
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: orthonorm on May 20, 2011, 12:05:17 PM
Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?

I can't stand OSU fans. Feel free to harm any of my fellow Ohioans who are OSU fans, in any way you feel capable

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: That person on May 20, 2011, 03:52:59 PM
Gebre, may I replace Auburn with Michigan and tell those jokes to my fellow Ohioans?

I can't stand OSU fans. Feel free to harm any of my fellow Ohioans who are OSU fans, in any way you feel capable


I have no real affinity for any college sports, seeing as I have yet to attend college. However, not giving a damn for the whole state of Michigan is something that ought to unite us all.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on May 20, 2011, 04:10:42 PM
First real laugh in this whole thread.

You're a real downer man, you know that?  :police:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Robert W on May 26, 2011, 06:05:39 PM
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I guarantee I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, "Okay Colin, how about Tom Cruise?" "sure; yes. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door. Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him. Let's fly to DC." And off they go. At the White House, President Obama spots Colin on a tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin! What a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on and we'll have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name someone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what; I know the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony. And then the Italian man next to me said, "Who the eff is that on the the balcony with Colin?"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on July 15, 2011, 01:00:33 PM
A Catholic, an Orthodox and a Protestant were fishing from a boat. The worms went out. The Catholic crossed himself, stepped over the side, walked on water to the shore, dug up some worms and returned to the boat. After a while worms went out again. The Orthodox crossed himself, stepped over the side, walked on water to the shore, dug up some worms and returned to the boat. Unfortunately, once again worms went out. The Protestant immediately stood up and gave a step overboard. He went under water and drowned.

The Catholic and Orthodox silently stare at the water spreading circles. The Catholic after, a long pause, says thoughtfully:
- We should have told him about the piles.
The Orthodox:
- What piles?
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LizaSymonenko on July 15, 2011, 01:36:32 PM

LOL!  Good one!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on July 24, 2011, 03:50:19 PM
(http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/tzu/lowres/tzun170l.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on August 10, 2011, 11:10:40 AM
Bad Pickup lines...

Are those space pants you’re wearing? Because your butt is out of this world.

Excuse me, do you know the time? Thanks. I wanted to remember the exact moment I met you.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Hi, my name is Doug. That's "god" spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on August 14, 2011, 04:58:02 AM
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home, please mamma!"

"Now Sarah," her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma, they're words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on August 14, 2011, 03:36:08 PM
There was a new one visiting a protestant service.  Toward the end of the service, the pastor announced that there would be a meeting of the board after the service.  The new one showed up.  After a couple minutes, the pastor looked at the new one and said, "Uh, pardon me, but you know this is a meeting of the board?"  The new one replied, "Yes, I am so bored right now, I could not be more bored!"  ;)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on August 15, 2011, 12:10:38 PM
After the service Priest announces:
- Next Sunday I'll tell a sermon about lie. You can prepare for that to understand it better with reading the 17th chapter of the Gospel of Mark.
Next Sunday he asks everyone before the sermon:
- Those, who read the 17th chapter, please wave your hands.
Almost everyone waves.
- I want to talk to you about lie. There is not a 17th chapter in the Gospel of Mark.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on August 18, 2011, 04:44:43 AM
Courtesy of Steven Wright:

"I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He used a dotted line. He caught every other fish."



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on August 18, 2011, 11:05:05 PM
What kind of beer do pirates drink?

P. B. ARRRRRRRRRR! ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Severian on August 19, 2011, 12:17:01 AM
Where did the lemonade put his baseball?

In the pitcher.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tallitot on August 19, 2011, 12:17:10 AM
How many surealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on August 19, 2011, 12:35:50 AM
"I make wine from raisins. That way it's aged automatically."

(Again, from Steven Wright)



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: stanley123 on August 28, 2011, 07:51:00 PM
Bad joke:
The porter who rang the church bell died and so the priest announced that he was looking for someone to take his place. The next day an armless man applied for the job.
“But you don’t have any arms,” said the priest.
“Oh, but that’s not a problem,” said the man and he began to bang his head on the bell. But he hit the bell so hard that he became unconscious, dropped to the floor and died.
People then gathered around and asked who he was.
“I don’t know,” said a lady. “But his face rings a bell.”
The next day another man came for the job.
“I am the brother of the armless man and I would like to take his place.” The priest agreed and the man began to ring the bell. But he rang it so hard that he had a heart attack and died on the spot.
Now more people gathered and asked who was this man.
The priest said: “I don’t know. But he is a dead ringer for his brother.”
(Saturday Evening Post sept/oct 2011)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: biro on August 28, 2011, 07:59:59 PM
How many surealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.

 :D

Ha ha ha!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 15, 2011, 12:27:18 AM
Joe: Did you hear about the fire that happened at the circus yesterday?
John: Yeah man, I was there, it was in tents!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: stanley123 on September 15, 2011, 01:33:31 AM
Hi All,

If you are interested in getting an iPad I know someone who can get hold of them through a contract. These are legit, not off the back of a truck; they are from a canceled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks.  The numbers are limited - he has twenty iPads going really cheap for less than one third price so it's first come first served.
 
He has already sold three (link to the picture  below so you can see what you are getting).   
 
Get back to me as quickly as you can if you want one. 
http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2143377740101646301KtAeqe
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on September 15, 2011, 03:34:58 AM
Hi All,

If you are interested in getting an iPad I know someone who can get hold of them through a contract. These are legit, not off the back of a truck; they are from a canceled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks.  The numbers are limited - he has twenty iPads going really cheap for less than one third price so it's first come first served.
 
He has already sold three (link to the picture  below so you can see what you are getting).   
 
Get back to me as quickly as you can if you want one. 
http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2143377740101646301KtAeqe
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Now THAT is a clever joke! LMFAO!!!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: IsmiLiora on September 15, 2011, 07:28:16 AM
Joe: Did you hear about the fire that happened at the circus yesterday?
John: Yeah man, I was there, it was in tents!
Mr. Ismi always says, "Man, it's like camping!"

And then he waits for someone to ask him what the heck he's talking about. "You know, camping, in tents!" (Thank you, best friend.)

My priest, who has the same personality as Mr. Ismi, hasn't bothered to ask him about it yet. It's driving him crazy inside.

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mark thomas on September 15, 2011, 08:11:35 PM
How many people with ADD does it take to
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on September 15, 2011, 10:38:44 PM
How many people with ADD does it take to
Short attention span? :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Severian on September 15, 2011, 10:43:02 PM
How many people with ADD does it take to
Short attention span? :laugh:
That was a funny joke. :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Severian on September 15, 2011, 10:50:04 PM
Here's one my Geometry (Geometry Honors, that is :angel:) teacher used to tell us:

-Which angles are the nicest?
-Complementary angles.

http://etc.usf.edu/clipart/47100/47153/47153_compangles_lg.gif
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 15, 2011, 10:58:13 PM
Here's one my Geometry (Geometry Honors, that is :angel:) teacher used to tell us:

-Which angles are the nicest?
-Complementary angles.

http://etc.usf.edu/clipart/47100/47153/47153_compangles_lg.gif

 :D ::)  I have a couple corny triangle jokes running through my head now...

What did the square say about his triangular girlfriend? She's acute one!

What do you call a triangle who has a level headed perspective on things? The triangle with the right angle!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: KBN1 on September 16, 2011, 12:22:11 AM
Iron Man is a super hero.  Iron Woman is a command.   ;)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on September 16, 2011, 12:26:12 AM
To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz!


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on September 16, 2011, 12:52:58 AM
To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz!


Selam
Oooh! Risqué! Lovin' it! :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on September 16, 2011, 01:59:35 AM
To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz!


Selam
Oooh! Risqué! Lovin' it! :laugh:



Saw it on Facebook. Wish I could take credit. :)


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LLOJ on September 16, 2011, 05:13:11 PM
Great thread!

Beware the circumcision!

A RC Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi...
...all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle...we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers"

Hosea 13:8 I shall meet them as a bear bereaved of her whelps, and will rend enclosure of their heart;
and I shall devour them there as a great-lion, animal of the field she shall rend them
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 16, 2011, 05:49:04 PM
Another Parrot Joke

There was once an old woman who had a parrot.

She taught the parrot to say, "Who is there?" whenever anyone knocked on the door as she was slightly deaf.

One day, she had major plumbing problems, so she called the plumber.

He said that he could not come out for another four hours, so she decided to go outside and get some fresh air by visiting the local shopping mall.

The plumber found that he was able to complete his other prearranged jobs sooner, and went over to the old woman's house.

He tried to call her first to tell her that he would be two hours early, but no one answered.
Fearing the worst, he hurried over to her apartment.

When he reached her apartment door, he politely knocked.

Plumber: Knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber: It's the plumber.

silence

Plumber: knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber: It's the plumber.

silence

Plumber: knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber yells: It's the plumber.

silence

Plumber knocks very loudly: knock, knock, knock.

A small voice: Who is there?

Plumber shouts: It's the plumber.

Then he falls dead of a heart attack.

silence

A few minutes later, the old lady returns to the apartment, noticing a man's body outside her apartment door.

She says loudly: Who is that?"

The parrot responds: It's the plumber.

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:00:35 AM
Jesus and satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and satan was faster than heck.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:06:00 AM
Here is another bad one ....

A customer at an upscale restaurant asks the waiter:
"Excuse me, sir? Do you have frog legs?"   

"Oh no" replied the waiter, "That is just the way I walk!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:08:35 AM
The Price You Pay For Being Good


3 Men were waiting to go to heaven.

St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her".
So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her."
He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot".
He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!"
The man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:26:33 AM
Okay .... now the topic of nudity


ohhhh


A psychologist and a sociologist are at a nudist colony.
Relaxing and drinking ice teas, the sociologist leans over and says to the psychologist, " Have you read Marx?" 
The psychologist, without missing a beat replies; "Yea.. but I think it's from these wicker chairs".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:28:21 AM
Here is one that Fr. Chris may enjoy:

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?"

"Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church."

"What's a church?" asked the twenty.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:29:34 AM
Nietzche

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche.

The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:30:20 AM
The Coin Toss


By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.

"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.

"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.

"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:31:50 AM
The Ham Sandwich

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends.

At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich.
"You know," he said to his friend, "this ham sandwich is delicious.
I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. \
When will you break down and try it?"

To which the rabbi replied, "At your wedding."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on September 20, 2011, 02:32:29 AM
Here is one that Fr. Chris may enjoy:

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?"

"Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church."

"What's a church?" asked the twenty.


 ;D



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:35:41 AM
Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:37:33 AM
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

St. Peter asked the man, "Were you religious in life? Did you Attend church services?"

"No."

St. Peter told him, "That's bad. Were you generous? Did you give money to the poor? To charities?"

"No."

"That too was bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?"

"No."

St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, St. Peter said, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man said, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on September 20, 2011, 03:53:22 AM
You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    ;D




Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 04:04:32 AM
You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    ;D




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on September 20, 2011, 04:21:44 AM
You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    ;D




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: vamrat on September 20, 2011, 09:52:05 AM
You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    ;D




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam


And this is why I haven't put any jokes in yet...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 20, 2011, 02:28:19 PM
You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    ;D




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam


And this is why I haven't put any jokes in yet...

Oh, I have carefully rephrased some of these jokes to eliminate some vulgarity but retain the humor.
My husband helps me here and laughs with me. Good humor is good for the body, mind, and soul.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fabio Leite on September 20, 2011, 11:04:17 PM
These are ads on bilboards put by a funeral insurance company in Rio de Janeiro.

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qfu_WJ9HcT0/TbIfGIR0zGI/AAAAAAAAAIM/E6uY-zo0K60/s1600/sinaf1.jpg)
Sinaf 25 years. Incredible we got this far losing one client after the other.

(http://www.scielo.br/img/revistas/rac/v8n2/a13img03.jpg)
Ad 01: Our clients never returned to complain.
Ad 02: Cremation. Hot news from Sinaf.

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_NPyeB4_ztsk/SusnOcvR6ZI/AAAAAAAAADU/gHYX1Wc8o_o/s320/subir+na+vida.jpg)
You will go up in life. Only you won't come back.

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_NPyeB4_ztsk/SusnOM9uLjI/AAAAAAAAADM/1g5gSsVSksA/s320/outro+lado.jpg)
Whoever arrives on the other side first gets the prize.

(http://revistalingua.uol.com.br/imagem_p.ashx?file=arquivos/NVZ8Z2LRXL48_50.jpg&x=510)
Ad 01: Reform your house with your eyes closed.
Ad 02: One day you don't wake up and you're rich.

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_UKaTgebCcxo/TJz0adKpm2I/AAAAAAAAAAQ/8m5R4DxE4e8/s1600/sinafseguros.jpg)
The life insurance you will thank God for. Personally.

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gwBuWLGLot4/TcYH2ccgSJI/AAAAAAAABlk/7bMmmeKsvkw/s1600/A+SINAF+4.bmp)
The best health plan is to live. But it can go wrong.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LLOJ on September 21, 2011, 09:07:59 PM
Thanks for the good laughs Maria!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mark thomas on September 24, 2011, 05:51:32 PM
The Monk
 
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
 
 The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
 
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
 
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
 
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
 
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 24, 2011, 05:56:48 PM
That was mean...  ;D  >:(  8)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LLOJ on September 25, 2011, 05:47:27 PM
An atheist had just arrived from out of town, and after being dropped off by a cab downtown from the airport, he saw a nun standing at a booth on the sidewalk collecting donations for an orphanage.
He was in a good mood and felt like being generous, and walking up to the nun in the booth, he decided to donate $10 to such a worthy cause.
He pulled out his wallet and handed her a 20 dollar bill and said  "here ya go nun, I am donating $10 to your charity fund".
The nun smiled at the man saying "thank you my son", took the money, deposited it into the collection box, then packed up and started walking away.
The atheist looked bewildered and hollared at the nun "hey nun! where the heck is my change!"
The nun looked back and with a wry smile said "change comes from within my son" and continued walking away.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: orthonorm on September 25, 2011, 06:18:24 PM
You're FUNNY Maria! I like!    ;D




Selam

Thanks. Those are jokes that I have learned from others.



I like them because they're funny, clean, and contain an element of truth.



Selam


Well this time you are 33% correct.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:33:16 PM
I knew the Greeks liked sea food.

However, I was surprised to open up a Greek prayer book and see this response:

"Lord, deliver us to a clam haven."

(It was supposed to be "calm haven.")



Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:37:11 PM
More Greek Orthodox humor (this from Doreen)


IOC Announces New Games for Athens Olympics


ATHENS, Greece -- As construction crews prepare the ground for the
2004 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee is putting
finishing touches on a new set of games for this Orthodox city:

Liturgical Olympics.

Here are some of the top sports:

Russians are the favorites in the Censer Swing, a gymnastic sport
of timing and grace, in which priests and deacons compete to make
the most intricate formations with the smoke and movement of the
censer. Points off for setting vestments on fire.

Georgians and Bulgarians are expected to be top competitors in the
Long Note: a track and field event to see who can hold a note the
longest. There are individual, team and relay heats. Points off for
flatting.

Greeks are taking top odds in Speed Liturgy, another track and
field event, in which priest, deacon and choir compete for the
speediest liturgy. Judges will be listening carefully to see if
anything is left out.

It's an open field in Altar Boy Synchronization, in which teams of
altar servers move in synchronized motion with candles, icons, fans
and censers. Nike and Adidas are in a bidding war over who will
provide team shoes.

Americans are expected to be major contenders in Canon Tossing and
the heavier-weight Anathema Hurling. There will be individual, team
and relay heats in this event as well, with points off for players
hitting their own teams and fans.

Other events will include Bishop Vesting, High Note, Low Note and
Countertenor, and Distance Sprinkling.

Excitement is building as Orthodox Olympians around the world
prepare for these events.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

This joke is from Onion Dome, which is no longer available. Doreen of Psalm Notes quoted it.
http://www.theoniondome.com/2004/01/30/jb/ (http://www.theoniondome.com/2004/01/30/jb/)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:39:22 PM
St. Philaret of Moscow during Paschal week was asked by two ladies why our Lord after his resurrection appeared to the myrrh-bearers first.

"Because women like to chatter very much and it was needed that this event would be known to all as soon as possible", answered the Metropolitan.


-- Priest Mikhail Ardov.

Apparently a Protestant minister also told the congregation the same thing at an Easter service, and all the women shifted in their seats, pursed their lips and later "proved him right" by going 'round and gossiping about what he said!   :laugh:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

Source: http://www.christianforums.com/t57163/#post1793132 (http://www.christianforums.com/t57163/#post1793132)

Most of these jokes that I have submitted are from Christian Forums, and a large percentage of them are from my personal collection. Often the sources are not given because people have been telling these at church and they have collected them from others. Many of these jokes in the retelling have been cleaned up or embellished.

Here is the thread from Christian Forums: http://www.christianforums.com/t57163/ (http://www.christianforums.com/t57163/)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:42:59 PM
A Few Bad Musical terms


Adagio Fromaggio
: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.

Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone.

Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.

A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.

Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument, you regret playing.

Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.

Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.

Bar Line:
What musicians form after a concert.

Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance.

Coral Symphony:
(see Beethoven-Caribbean period).

Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous:
The entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs

Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Fermantra
: A note that is held over and over and over and ...

Fermoota
: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.

Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.

Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

Gregorian Champ:
Monk who can hold a note the longest.

Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

Mallade
: A romantic song that's pretty awful.

Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.

Opera buffa
: Musical stage production by nudists.

Poochini Musical:
performance, accompanied by a dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.

Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.

Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:47:20 PM
Another pub joke

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells him, You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one
for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day,
he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted
to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
and he laughs. "You'll be happy to know that my brothers are alive
and well." He explains, "It's just that I've given up drinking for Lent!".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:49:50 PM
Why did St. Padraig drive all the snakes out of Ireland????











































Answer: Because he was the Designated Driver...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:52:18 PM
Heaven or Hell, your choice!


While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all
his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times
they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is
the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it,
it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted for us!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:56:50 PM
Turn Back ... The End is Near

Once a priest and a minister met together to confer about a serious problem their town was facing. They got together and decided on a plan to fix the problem.

Working together, they made two signs. Once said - TURN BACK. The other said - THE END IS NEAR. The priest took the first and the minister took the second and stood by a busy road. Later, a car passed by.

"Go home, you religious fanatics!!" the driver shouted.

Suddenly there was a screech of tires and a splash.

The priest looked at the minister and said, "Do you think the sign should have just said 'Bridge out'?"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 07:59:36 PM
An Orthodox choir director died and went to hell.

He was shocked that he went to hell and was apprehensive about what awaited.

When he got there, he was ushered into a music rehearsal room and told to take the director's
position. After a few minutes a huge choir of angels entered, telling him
that for the rest of eternity, all he'd have to do was to direct the choir
in chanting in eight part harmony. The choir director was a little
surprised that hell had turned out to be his dream come true.

He asked the angels, "But what text shall I direct?"

And he was handed Nassar's 5 pounder....

Ba da bing!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:01:48 PM
Which Is The Tradition?

In the village of Omsk all was not well in the local
Pokrov Parish. Every year, during Lent, at ‘Blessed
art Thou, O Lord, teach me Thy statutes’, half of the
congregation would make a metany at the waist, and
half would make a full prostration. The little
metanists would start whispering sharply, ‘No! No!
From the waist!’ To which the great metanists would
hiss back even louder, ‘Wrong! Full prostration! Who
are you following, the Devil?!’ And fistfights would
break out and the service could not even be completed.

Finally the war-weary parishioners decided to ask
their priest, Fr Veniamin. ‘Batiushka, what is the
tradition? In Lent, at "Blessed art Thou", do we make
a little metany, or a great metany?’ Knowing the
rancor attached to the dispute, poor Fr Veniamin
trembled, grew pale, then fainted dead away and fell
backwards.

So next they went to the Skete of the Forerunner, and
asked Fr Onouphry: ‘Batiushka, we want to know, we
have a terrible argument at Omsk--what is the
tradition? Because half the people say to make small
metanies at "Blessed art Thou" now, and half say great
metanies. And we start fighting, terrible, terrible.
So, tell us, what is the Tradition?’ Seeing the
ferocity in their faces, poor Hieromonk Anatoly simply
fainted dead away.

Then someone shouted, ‘Let's go to Elder Ioann and ask
him!’ It was a marvelous idea. Surely the elder’s
answer would bring peace, for he was respected by all,
a native of Omsk, and his hoary 94 years guaranteed a
knowledge of what the old tradition had been.

So a large crowd gathered at the elder’s dacha on the
outskirts of town. Some 15 men from both sides entered
the dacha, and found frail Elder Ioann lying on his
bed. As he struggled to draw himself up and offer tea,
they cut him off: ‘Elder Ioann, you have to help us!
What is the Tradition? Every year in Lent, at "Blessed
art Thou, O Lord", half of the people at Pokrov make
little metanies, and half the people great metanies,
and we start to argue, and the service doesn't even
finish because of the fistfight!’ Then Elder Ioann
said firmly, in his voice shaking with age, and with
tears streaming down his joyful face, ‘That... is...
the Tradition!’
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:02:43 PM
You just might be an Orthodox Christian:

- On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
- You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
- You can automatically subtract 13 days from today’s date.
- On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
- You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
- You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
- To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
- You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter candy.
- You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling.
- When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.
- Before you pray, you say a prayer.
- You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
- When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
- You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.
- When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).
- The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
- You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, ‘Let us complete our prayer to the Lord’, and there’s still half an hour to go.
- You find yourself instinctively drawn to jurisdictional chaos. ‘I don’t believe in organized religion; I’m Orthodox!’
- At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
- Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring vodka and 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
- You forget to change your clock in the spring at Daylight Savings Time, show up an hour late, but the service is still going on...but there are people in your community who still can't get to church on time when the clock gets set back an hour in the fall.
- You consider an hour long church service to be "short."
- When someone says, "Let us pray..." you reflexively stand up.
- You went to church four or more times in a week.
- Your priest is married...and your vocabulary includes at least three words that describe the wife of a priest.
-You have varicose veins by the time you're twenty
-A greasy forehead doesn't bother you
-You are a wine connoisseur
-You have a library of vegetarian cook books
-You are 60 and can still bend over and touch the floor
-You are a female under 30, yet you have a collection of head scarfs
-You are a male under 20 that has a pair of leather shoes
-You tend to buy shoes for comfort, not style
-You can name a brand of chocolate that doesn't have milk or animal fats in it
-You have Ancient Echoes in your CD collection
-You think palms and pussy willows are the same thing
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:05:35 PM
Encore...

You just might be Orthodox if

-You find yourself doing everything 3 times.
-When someone next to you coughs, sneezes, or just touches their face, you automatically cross yourself.
-Fast food does not mean McDonalds or Burger King.
-You crave meat and dairy like crazy on Wed./Fri.
-When you hear someone singing, you automatically sing a response back to them
-When there are 1,000's of men and women who are the 13th Apostle!
-When you can explain what God is not but can't give a precise definition of what God is (apophatic theology).
-When your Bishop needs a Deacon to dress him for a Divine Liturgy.
-When your thighs hurt after prostrations on Forgiveness Sunday.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:12:41 PM
A Protestant, a Catholic and an Orthodox are discussing what Jesus would be upon his return to earth.

The Protestant insists Jesus would be a Protestant; the Catholic insists he would be Catholic.

The Orthodox looks puzzled and asks, “But why would he change?”
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:13:38 PM
From: Orthodixie blog

When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

Source is Orthodixie. Again, I checked and could not find the exact link.
It was originally sent to me by email with a link that is no longer valid.
I am checking google but have not found it yet.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:15:44 PM
Man claims that he can create life

There was an arrogant Scientist who claimed he could create life like God does!

So God appeared to him and told him
-I heard you claimed you are like me and you can create life.

Scientist - Well, yes

God - Ok let's have a contest.

So God takes some dirt from the ground, makes a human form and blows on it the Holly Spirit and here we have a man!

Then the Scientist says:
-I can to the same! and he takes some dirt.

God then tells him:
-Hey what are you doing there? Create your own dirt!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:17:48 PM
Moses and the Red Sea

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:21:58 PM
Hellish Insects

True story

A new Orthodox mission was praying Small Compline every Wednesday and Saturday night. One member had printed out copies that had the different parts colored differently. He had missed one typo but the placement of that typo almost spelled disaster for the service.

"He had delivered us from the moth of Hades and bestowed great mercy upon the world."

The member's 13 year old son was there and found that typo amusing. His amusement was pretty contagious and afterwards there was quite a bit of talk about moths of Hades and casting a movie about it, etc. Even now with the typo fixed, some of us can't suppress a grin when we come to that part.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:24:18 PM
Heavenly timing - Another true story


We had a service in our little Chapel and Father was talking about the Holy Spirit descending... and down from the ceiling comes this massive flying bug.

Needless to say, he had to take a little break before going on at that point... and everyone else had to try really hard not to laugh.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:30:19 PM
A True Story from Finland:

Once a bishop was serving a liturgy. When coming out of the altar, he stumbled over his vestments and rolled down the stairs, with his mitre rolling merrily away to the feet of the people. When he rose to his feet, his staff caught a lady's skirt and lifted it.

At this point the clergy on the altar burst into laughter.

The bishop muttered angrily to them, "We will talk about this later." However, during the meal after the Divine Liturgy. His Grace just remarked,  "After all, it went well, even with my little stumble."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 25, 2011, 08:33:59 PM
From Fr Joseph's blog:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE SOUTHERN ORTHODOX WHEN:


10) At Pentecost, your church is decorated with Kudzu.

9) You spell "feast" with only three letters: B B Q.

8. You say "Father," "Barsonuphios," and "Monastery" without any pronouncing an "r."

7) You drive 3 hours to an Orthodox Church. But, could hop ... on one foot ... with your eyes closed ... (and a rock in your shoe) ... to the nearest Baptist Church.

6) All your services are all in English -- at least that's what YOU call it.

5) There's women in your church known as: Photini Beth, Thecla Beth, and Elizabeth Beth.

4) There's men going by: Athanasius Lee, Euphrosynos Lee, and Vasiliy Lee.

3) You got white folks, black folks, even Democrats in your parish, but no Russians, Serbians, Arabs or Greeks.

2) You know someone who knows someone who knows someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper.

AND ... the number one sign that you are an Orthodox Southerner:


1) You think grits are too good to be considered fasting!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

Source: http://southern-orthodoxy.blogspot.com/2008/06/bless-your-heart-smallah-smallah.html (http://southern-orthodoxy.blogspot.com/2008/06/bless-your-heart-smallah-smallah.html)

It appears that Father Joseph is retelling a joke that has been on the Internet for quite some time.

http://www.google.com/#q=%22Life+has+now+been+explained+to+you.%22&hl=en&prmd=imvns&ei=0QyCTuHmMMbliAKmn-SPDQ&start=20&sa=N&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=e40baf610d5a3809&biw=1146&bih=720 (http://www.google.com/#q=%22Life+has+now+been+explained+to+you.%22&hl=en&prmd=imvns&ei=0QyCTuHmMMbliAKmn-SPDQ&start=20&sa=N&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=e40baf610d5a3809&biw=1146&bih=720)

So, I do not know if he originated that one or who is the source.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: vamrat on September 26, 2011, 01:52:03 PM
So there is this atheist strolling through the woods on a nature walk and after a while he comes across this big grizzly bear.  The man takes off running and the bear goes after him.  He looks behind him and the bear is gaining on him, when he trips over a log and falls flat on his face.  He turns over and the bear is looming above him ready to rip him to shreds.  The atheist calls out "Oh dear God!" and all of a sudden time stops.  Its quiet and the bear is frozen in mid swipe.

A voice comes from the Heavens saying, "All your life you have spoken against Me, saying I do not exist, leading My people astray.  Now here, in your hour of peril you call upon My name."

The atheist says, "God, I realize that my request was hypocritical, so rather than ask you to spare me through a miracle, I ask only this this bear here acts with Christian charity."

Instantly time begins again.  The forest comes to life again and the bear lowers its paw and looks down at the atheist.  The bear gets a pleasant and thoughtful look on it's face and puts it's paws together in prayer, "Oh Lord, I thank thee for this bountiful blessing you have given unto me..."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fabio Leite on September 27, 2011, 07:31:59 AM
There two cranky old men who were neighbors, one was a Christian and the other an atheist. They used to argue and pest each other every day over religion.

One day, the Christian old man woke up and when he went to his door to get the newspaper he found a basket filled with breakfast items of best quality. He thanked God for the gift with a prayer and then the atheist jumped out of a bush and shouted:

"You stupid old man, thanking God for that as He would materialize it on your porch. I put it there to prove to you that there are no miracles! What do you say now that you know that what you think comes from God are just natural causes?"

The Christian old man just continued:

"Thank you God for your gifts, and congratulations for making your silly enemies pay for them!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Carl Kraeff (Second Chance) on September 27, 2011, 12:05:33 PM
From Fr Joseph's blog:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE SOUTHERN ORTHODOX WHEN:


10) At Pentecost, your church is decorated with Kudzu.

9) You spell "feast" with only three letters: B B Q.

8. You say "Father," "Barsonuphios," and "Monastery" without any pronouncing an "r."

7) You drive 3 hours to an Orthodox Church. But, could hop ... on one foot ... with your eyes closed ... (and a rock in your shoe) ... to the nearest Baptist Church.

6) All your services are all in English -- at least that's what YOU call it.

5) There's women in your church known as: Photini Beth, Thecla Beth, and Elizabeth Beth.

4) There's men going by: Athanasius Lee, Euphrosynos Lee, and Vasiliy Lee.

3) You got white folks, black folks, even Democrats in your parish, but no Russians, Serbians, Arabs or Greeks.

2) You know someone who knows someone who knows someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper.

AND ... the number one sign that you are an Orthodox Southerner:


1) You think grits are too good to be considered fasting!

Maria--Would you please give me the link to Fr. Joseph's blog so that I can add it to your original post? Also, would you the same for each post that has a source? I was thinking that there are  number of other jokes that should be properly sourced, with an Internet link: for example, Which Is The Tradition, From Orthodoxie Blog, etc... Thanks. Second Chance
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 27, 2011, 01:00:50 PM
From Fr Joseph's blog:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE SOUTHERN ORTHODOX WHEN:


10) At Pentecost, your church is decorated with Kudzu.

9) You spell "feast" with only three letters: B B Q.

8. You say "Father," "Barsonuphios," and "Monastery" without any pronouncing an "r."

7) You drive 3 hours to an Orthodox Church. But, could hop ... on one foot ... with your eyes closed ... (and a rock in your shoe) ... to the nearest Baptist Church.

6) All your services are all in English -- at least that's what YOU call it.

5) There's women in your church known as: Photini Beth, Thecla Beth, and Elizabeth Beth.

4) There's men going by: Athanasius Lee, Euphrosynos Lee, and Vasiliy Lee.

3) You got white folks, black folks, even Democrats in your parish, but no Russians, Serbians, Arabs or Greeks.

2) You know someone who knows someone who knows someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper.

AND ... the number one sign that you are an Orthodox Southerner:


1) You think grits are too good to be considered fasting!

Maria--Would you please give me the link to Fr. Joseph's blog so that I can add it to your original post? Also, would you the same for each post that has a source? I was thinking that there are  number of other jokes that should be properly sourced, with an Internet link: for example, Which Is The Tradition, From Orthodoxie Blog, etc... Thanks. Second Chance

Fr. Joseph's blog is Orthodixie. He is Antiochian.

Here is the Orthodixie blog: http://southern-orthodoxy.blogspot.com/

When I clicked the link that I originally had, I got the homepage. Unfortunately, there is no search function at that forum.
If you wish to delete the jokes from Orthodixie, please feel free to do so as I just noticed that he has a copyright.

Some of the other sources for my jokes are not on the internet anymore while others were submitted from other posters who are from another forum. Do you want the link to that competitive forum? :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 27, 2011, 01:55:10 PM
Here are the thousands of sources for the joke about the dog.

Life Has Now Been Explained to You

http://www.google.com/#q=%22Life+has+now+been+explained+to+you.%22&hl=en&prmd=imvns&ei=0QyCTuHmMMbliAKmn-SPDQ&start=20&sa=N&fp=1&biw=1146&bih=720&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&cad=b

Here is the source for the Orthodixie Joke discussing quirks of Orthodox Christians

http://southern-orthodoxy.blogspot.com/2008/06/bless-your-heart-smallah-smallah.html
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 27, 2011, 02:01:05 PM
I did a google search for Here is the Tradition.

Apparently, there is no listed source, as the blog below copied this joke and many others without listing any sources:

http://3saints.com/humor.html

It sounds like an Onion Dome joke.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Carl Kraeff (Second Chance) on September 27, 2011, 05:11:03 PM
I did a google search for Here is the Tradition.

Apparently, there is no listed source, as the blog below copied this joke and many others without listing any sources:

http://3saints.com/humor.html

It sounds like an Onion Dome joke.

At this point I would like to publicly thank Maria for the great job she did in sourcing her posts. Maria--you make our job as moderators a pleasure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Second Chance
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on October 20, 2011, 06:08:54 PM
I did a google search for Here is the Tradition.

Apparently, there is no listed source, as the blog below copied this joke and many others without listing any sources:

http://3saints.com/humor.html

It sounds like an Onion Dome joke.

At this point I would like to publicly thank Maria for the great job she did in sourcing her posts. Maria--you make our job as moderators a pleasure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Second Chance

Thank you. :blushes:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on October 20, 2011, 06:09:58 PM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 20, 2011, 06:12:57 PM
(http://dvdmedia.ign.com/media/reviews/image/tap_stonehenge.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on October 20, 2011, 11:19:41 PM
(http://dvdmedia.ign.com/media/reviews/image/tap_stonehenge.jpg)


Anything from this movie never gets old. It has to be the funniest movie ever!  ;D



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Shiny on October 20, 2011, 11:36:39 PM
Spinal Tap is one of the best movies ever. You can't watch it if you don't know much about rock and roll, front stage and back stage, too many subtleties.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on October 20, 2011, 11:44:08 PM
(http://dvdmedia.ign.com/media/reviews/image/tap_stonehenge.jpg)


Anything from this movie never gets old. It has to be the funniest movie ever!  ;D



Selam

What is the title of this movie?
I have not been to a show since 2008.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on October 21, 2011, 01:09:24 AM
(http://dvdmedia.ign.com/media/reviews/image/tap_stonehenge.jpg)


Anything from this movie never gets old. It has to be the funniest movie ever!  ;D



Selam

What is the title of this movie?
I have not been to a show since 2008.
I think it's This is Spinal Tap.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on October 21, 2011, 01:39:41 AM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on October 21, 2011, 02:40:30 AM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!


 :laugh:

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on October 21, 2011, 03:04:31 AM
(http://dvdmedia.ign.com/media/reviews/image/tap_stonehenge.jpg)


Anything from this movie never gets old. It has to be the funniest movie ever!  ;D



Selam

What is the title of this movie?
I have not been to a show since 2008.
I think it's This is Spinal Tap.


Yes, a classic comedy from the king of comedic directors, Rob Reiner. But this is definitely a generational movie. If you were born after 1980 then I doubt if you'll really appreciate it.


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: NicholasMyra on October 21, 2011, 04:16:47 AM
What did the prism say to the ray of light?

Get bent.  :police:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LBK on October 21, 2011, 05:38:26 AM
Quote
Yes, a classic comedy from the king of comedic directors, Rob Reiner. But this is definitely a generational movie. If you were born after 1980 1970 then I doubt if you'll really appreciate it.

Fixed it for ya.  :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on October 21, 2011, 06:16:26 AM
Quote
Yes, a classic comedy from the king of comedic directors, Rob Reiner. But this is definitely a generational movie. If you were born after 1980 1970 then I doubt if you'll really appreciate it.

Fixed it for ya.  :laugh: :laugh:


Yeah, you're right. I was trying to give them younguns the benefit of the doubt.  ;)



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: jayjay on November 08, 2011, 09:08:09 AM
Poster seen in downtown Dallas "What would you do if Jesus came to Dallas?"

Someone wrote underneath " Make him the Quarterback".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: dcommini on November 08, 2011, 10:32:39 AM
Quote
Yes, a classic comedy from the king of comedic directors, Rob Reiner. But this is definitely a generational movie. If you were born after 1980 1970 then I doubt if you'll really appreciate it.

Fixed it for ya.  :laugh: :laugh:


Yeah, you're right. I was trying to give them younguns the benefit of the doubt.  ;)



Selam

I was born in '86 and I fully appreciate the movie, but my wife who was born in '88 can not stand it
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Schultz on November 08, 2011, 11:22:38 AM
(http://dvdmedia.ign.com/media/reviews/image/tap_stonehenge.jpg)

My latest band project is going to cover Gimme Some Money (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-BYzaDwNoE).
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 18, 2011, 12:37:19 AM
True story here:

The local San Diego ABC station had this on the news tonight:

A cat was being disturbed by phone calls during the day when his servant-owners were away working. Like all cats, he sleeps during the day, of course, and plays at night.

So, he learned how to knock the phone off the hook, say "Hello" in cat talk (pretty good imitation), and resume his nap.

It was all caught on a home video.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 18, 2011, 01:10:46 AM
20 years ago, we were graced by the presence of Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now, we have no Cash, we have no Hope, and we have no Jobs.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Shiny on November 18, 2011, 01:24:33 AM
20 years ago, we were graced by the presence of Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now, we have no Cash, we have no Hope, and we have no Jobs.
ROFL
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 18, 2011, 02:49:22 PM
20 years ago, we were graced by the presence of Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now, we have no Cash, we have no Hope, and we have no Jobs.

That is a good one.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on November 19, 2011, 12:12:09 AM
There was once a Sunday class learning about the book of Numbers, how the children of Israel had a census taken twice, how the children of Israel organized the camp, the miracles that the children of Israel saw, the sacrifices that the children of Israel made.  Finally the teacher saw a hand raised and asked, "Yes, you have a question?"  The student replied, "Yeah, how come the children of Israel are doing all the work, and the parents do not do anything?"  :angel:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Oblio on November 19, 2011, 01:02:59 AM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!


 :laugh:

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 19, 2011, 01:42:20 AM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!


 :laugh:

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.


Quote
Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.!
WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 19, 2011, 01:50:27 AM
Here is another handout:

English Language

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.

Can you read these right the first time?

1.The bandage was wound around the wound.
2.The farm was used to produce produce.
3.The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4.We must polish the Polish furniture.
5.He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6.The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7.Since there is no time like the present,
he thought it was time to present the present .
8.A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9.When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10.I did not object to the object.
11.The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12.There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13.They were too close to the door to close it.
14.The buck does funny things when does are present.
15.A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16.To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17.The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18.Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19.After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
20.I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21.I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
22.How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 19, 2011, 01:54:46 AM
Here is yet another English handout. (again, there was no credit given and several professors passed these out).

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat (brains). We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"


Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 19, 2011, 01:58:49 AM
The final handout:

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?


We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.


And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.


We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .


When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

Oh . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?  U-P
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 19, 2011, 02:20:25 AM
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES: -------- [Rick's RESPONSE]

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter  --------- [Imagine that!] - I think crack cocaine was found on a California governor's child

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - [No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? ------ [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over ---- [:o]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death ------------- [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ------ [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace -----------------------[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile - [You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures -------------[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - [They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ----------------[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge --[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - [Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ----[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks -------------------- [Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half ---------[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ----------[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


p.s. This was given to the class by a student named Rick.


















Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 19, 2011, 02:22:30 AM
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?  U-P
My friends would call that 2/3 of a pun: P-U. :P
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on November 19, 2011, 10:42:40 AM
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES: -------- [Rick's RESPONSE]

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter  --------- [Imagine that!] - I think crack cocaine was found on a California governor's child

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - [No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? ------ [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over ---- [:o]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death ------------- [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ------ [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace -----------------------[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile - [You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures -------------[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - [They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ----------------[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge --[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - [Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ----[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks -------------------- [Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half ---------[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ----------[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


p.s. This was given to the class by a student named Rick.




















I love them all, and I have to agree with the winner!  :)


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Andrew Crook on November 19, 2011, 02:37:31 PM
Here's a joke for ya..

An Irishman walked out of a bar...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 19, 2011, 02:47:44 PM
Here's a joke for ya..

An Irishman walked out of a bar...
Two men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on November 19, 2011, 06:10:42 PM
Here's a joke for ya..

An Irishman walked out of a bar...
Two men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked.

One did duck; he was the Irishman who walked out alive dancing the Irish jig.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: lord doog on November 23, 2011, 02:49:32 PM
A Muslim was bragging to an Orthodox Christian about fasting in the Islamic tradition. "You Christians have it so easy, you can eat practically whatever and whenever you want, while we have to go without eating from sunrise to sunset. We definitely show greater devotion in our fasting."

"Not so," replied the Christian. "Each fasts according to his own spiritual level and ability, set by his father of confession." There are in fact Christians that fast sunrise to sunset."

Hearing this, the Muslim said, "I bet you don't fast more days than us though. How about this, for every day that Muslims fast, I get to slap you in the face, and you can do the same for me." The Christian agreed.

"We have the Ramadan fast, a whole month. That's 30 slaps." So the Muslim slapped the Christian on the face 30 times. "Your turn."

The Christian started: "First we have the fast of Saint Mary, that's 2 weeks. But I won't slap you for those. Then we have 43 days for the Nativity fast, but we'll hold those for now as well. The apostles fast varies from year to year, it can be between 30 and 50 days, but we won't count them. Then we have Jonah's fast, three days. That's not a lot so I won't count them. Then we have Lent. 55 days. But I'll tell you what, we'll leave those too."

The Muslim was relieved. That would have been a lot of slaps. However, he cautiously asked, "Is there more?"

With a smile, the Christian raised his hand, and with each slap cried, "Wednesday! Friday! Wednesday! Friday! Wednesday!...."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Carl Kraeff (Second Chance) on November 23, 2011, 03:50:32 PM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!


 :laugh:

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.


Quote
Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.!
WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

PS: Thank you Maria; you are a good and gentle soul.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 24, 2011, 12:53:22 AM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!


 :laugh:

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.


Quote
Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.!
WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."
I heard something similar. A man asks if he could cross the farmer's field in ten minutes in order to save time getting to his destination because he was running late. The old farmer says, "Yeah, you could get across my field in ten minutes, and if my bull sees you, you could get across in one." :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Catwell on December 15, 2011, 01:00:04 PM
Why did St. Padraig drive all the snakes out of Ireland????

Oh my goodness! So silly, but I literally laughed out loud at that one.  :D











































Answer: Because he was the Designated Driver...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: lord doog on December 16, 2011, 03:41:04 PM
- What do Germans call Protestants?

Daspopen-notliken

-A US boat started to take on water near the coast of Germany. The radioman called the German Coast Guard yelling "We're sinking, we're sinking!"

"Zis iz za German Coast Guard," came the reply. "Vat are you sinking about?"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on December 17, 2011, 02:30:16 AM
There was a grade school science class.  The teacher asked if anyone could give her the chemical formula for water.  One student replied, "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."  The teacher was puzzled and asked, "Where did you get that?"   The student replied, "Last week you told us it was H to O."  ;)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on December 17, 2011, 12:50:48 PM
There was a grade school science class.  The teacher asked if anyone could give her the chemical formula for water.  One student replied, "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."  The teacher was puzzled and asked, "Where did you get that?"   The student replied, "Last week you told us it was H to O."  ;)

Cute.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 27, 2012, 11:31:52 AM
Once Stalin was passing by a church when he noticed a pile off rubbish. He snarled: - Clean it up! Next day there was no trace of the church.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on April 25, 2012, 12:48:03 PM
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: ironchapman on April 25, 2012, 01:03:54 PM
Jokes about Trinity? IS BLASPHEMY!

--Hyperdox Herman.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on May 17, 2012, 01:37:41 PM
The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've  ruined everything"!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: dcommini on May 18, 2012, 01:23:58 PM
The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've  ruined everything"!

That's terrible...






..ly funny
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LizaSymonenko on May 22, 2012, 02:45:00 PM

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Hell No, I didn’t, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hey, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: dcommini on May 22, 2012, 03:02:37 PM
i just read that on Facebook...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LizaSymonenko on May 22, 2012, 03:20:59 PM

Hmmm....seems we must have a "friend" in common, because that's exactly where I got it from.  :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: dcommini on May 22, 2012, 03:35:02 PM

Hmmm....seems we must have a "friend" in common, because that's exactly where I got it from.  :)

i would say so
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: dcommini on May 25, 2012, 12:46:47 PM
A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.

"I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:

"So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters.

Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on June 15, 2012, 08:14:44 AM
- Are Nikon cameras suitable for taking pictures of Orthodox Churches?
- Sure, provided you are not an Old Believer.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on June 15, 2012, 10:03:48 AM
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on June 16, 2012, 11:30:31 AM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
God bless you!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on June 24, 2012, 03:55:59 PM
Q: What the difference between Greek Orthodox and Russian Orthodox priest?

A: Greek priest smokes, Russian priest drinks.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on July 12, 2012, 02:28:46 AM
Things you don't want to hear a pilot say in the middle of a flight...

"Hey, I wonder what this button does? You wanna try it?"

"Any idea how to fix that? No? Uh oh."

"Does this say 9000 feet or 900?"

"Why is that light blinking? I've never seen that before."

"The tower just informed me that Buffalo was actually the other direction, and this is Philadelphia"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tallitot on July 12, 2012, 06:46:13 AM
Did you know most of the comicbook superheros of the 50's and 60's were Jewish? You can tell by their names; Spiderman, Aquaman, Superman, Batman...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: That person on July 12, 2012, 11:24:07 PM
"Spider-Man" is hyphenated.

That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish. There's some pretty decent literature out there about the roots of the superhero in the Jewish-American experience, although most of the characters themselves are Christian. Eliot S! Maggin argued that the Kryptonian religion Superman followed (as opposed to the Methodism Clark Kent followed) was basically Judaism in space. And Fantastic Four's the Thing is a practicing Jew. A picture of him is actually in display in the late Jack Kirby's synagogue.

And no, I can't accept a post mentioning superheroes without saying something like this.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tallitot on July 12, 2012, 11:32:45 PM
"Spider-Man" is hyphenated. That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish. There's some pretty decent literature out there about the roots of the superhero in the Jewish-American experience, although most of the characters themselves are Christian. Eliot S! Maggin argued that the Kryptonian religion Superman followed (as opposed to the Methodism Clark Kent followed) was basically Judaism in space. And Fantastic Four's the Thing is a practicing Jew. A picture of him is actually in display in the late Jack Kirby's synagogue.

And no, I can't accept a post mentioning superheroes without saying something like this.
yeah...it's joke.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on August 09, 2012, 02:38:27 PM
- Is It Really an ‘All-Night Vigil’?
- No, it only feels that long.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Pan Michał on August 09, 2012, 02:54:14 PM
That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish.

Ha! I always thought that "Superman" sounds like a Jewish surname. Shlomo Batman, a Gotham millionaire of a family that owns half the city's industry. Yup, now it all makes sense.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on August 12, 2012, 03:57:30 PM
Q. Why did they change to cowhide balls?
A. They mooooved better.

-- Bob Walk
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on August 13, 2012, 01:06:10 AM
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A. One's a scum sucking bottom feeder, the other's a fish.

(No offense to Veniamin. ;))
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: christian7777 on August 15, 2012, 02:17:35 PM
For some of you it can be considered insulting, but I do not want to insult anyone and only write it for fun. I've heard it from an EO Deacon, who heard it from a RC Priest.

As it's summer Holy Trinity gathers to discuss where to spend holidays.
- Let's go to the Egypt. - proposed God the Son - there are plenty of beautiful pyramids. I remember I enjoyed them when I was there as a Child.
- No way! - said God the Father - there is boiling hot. I'm old and bearded and it will be to hard for Me to stand it. Let's go to Palestine.
- I disagree. - said God the Son - It brings back bad memories for me. What about Rome? It's very popular now.
- Yes! Yes! - shouted God the Holy Spirit in a figure of a Dove, flapping It's wings with enthusiasm - I've not been there since 11th century!

Awesome joke. :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on August 31, 2012, 01:31:24 PM
An anecdote allegedly told by Metropolitan Kallistos:

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LBK on August 31, 2012, 08:15:54 PM
An anecdote allegedly told by Metropolitan Kallistos:

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

I'll raise ya (and this is a true story, not a joke):

A newly-assigned priest was visiting all the houses in the neighborhood to introduce himself. If nobody was home, he'd leave a card with his details, and this, written on it: Rev. 3: 20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

A couple of days later, the priest found a card in his mailbox, with nothing on it but a scripture reference: Gen. 3:10. He went inside, and looked it up: I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on September 03, 2012, 04:26:51 AM
An anecdote allegedly told by Metropolitan Kallistos:

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

I'll raise ya (and this is a true story, not a joke):

A newly-assigned priest was visiting all the houses in the neighborhood to introduce himself. If nobody was home, he'd leave a card with his details, and this, written on it: Rev. 3: 20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

A couple of days later, the priest found a card in his mailbox, with nothing on it but a scripture reference: Gen. 3:10. He went inside, and looked it up: I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
Back when I was in the business of delivering pizzas, we had this one customer who, when we delivered a pizza to him, would hide behind his door because he was naked from the waist down. Kinda freaked out our female drivers. I'm not kidding.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 22, 2012, 11:52:03 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/sVoFk.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on October 23, 2012, 01:12:39 PM
Back when I was in the business of delivering pizzas, we had this one customer who, when we delivered a pizza to him, would hide behind his door because he was naked from the waist down. Kinda freaked out our female drivers. I'm not kidding.

Renting a flat on the 1st floor I'm trying to stop practicing the custom of having a breakfast in underwear (I sleep that way). The looks elderly ladies give me from the windows are kinda disturbing.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: lord doog on October 23, 2012, 02:02:40 PM
Ambiguity: what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.




What is the best way to hold on to insulation?
      -asbestos you can!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fabio Leite on October 24, 2012, 07:43:32 AM
That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish.

Ha! I always thought that "Superman" sounds like a Jewish surname. Shlomo Batman, a Gotham millionaire of a family that owns half the city's industry. Yup, now it all makes sense.

C'mon, his kryptonian name is Kal-El, of the El family. His father is Jor-El. "El" is actually a word for God and its use as a suffix is common in angel names: Mika-el, Rapha-el, Uri-el, Gabri-el. :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fabio Leite on October 24, 2012, 07:48:10 AM
The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've  ruined everything"!

I know a version of that with slightly different wording. Same first part, then...

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who never erred be the first to throw a stone at her.”

A Portuguese (or any stereotype who plays the silly role in your culture) then throws a brick at her, crushing her skull. Jesus then asked him "Manuel, have you never erred?" He replied: "Not from this distance Lord"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gunnarr on October 24, 2012, 04:52:18 PM
More Greek Orthodox humor (this from Doreen)


IOC Announces New Games for Athens Olympics


ATHENS, Greece -- As construction crews prepare the ground for the
2004 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee is putting
finishing touches on a new set of games for this Orthodox city:

Liturgical Olympics.

Here are some of the top sports:

Russians are the favorites in the Censer Swing, a gymnastic sport
of timing and grace, in which priests and deacons compete to make
the most intricate formations with the smoke and movement of the
censer. Points off for setting vestments on fire.

Georgians and Bulgarians are expected to be top competitors in the
Long Note: a track and field event to see who can hold a note the
longest. There are individual, team and relay heats. Points off for
flatting.

Greeks are taking top odds in Speed Liturgy, another track and
field event, in which priest, deacon and choir compete for the
speediest liturgy. Judges will be listening carefully to see if
anything is left out.

It's an open field in Altar Boy Synchronization, in which teams of
altar servers move in synchronized motion with candles, icons, fans
and censers. Nike and Adidas are in a bidding war over who will
provide team shoes.

Americans are expected to be major contenders in Canon Tossing and
the heavier-weight Anathema Hurling. There will be individual, team
and relay heats in this event as well, with points off for players
hitting their own teams and fans.

Other events will include Bishop Vesting, High Note, Low Note and
Countertenor, and Distance Sprinkling.

Excitement is building as Orthodox Olympians around the world
prepare for these events.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second Chance updating for Maria (hat's tip):

This joke is from Onion Dome, which is no longer available. Doreen of Psalm Notes quoted it.
http://www.theoniondome.com/2004/01/30/jb/ (http://www.theoniondome.com/2004/01/30/jb/)

this is my favorite  :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 28, 2012, 04:21:09 AM
Engineers on a train
Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.
 
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
 
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket! After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.
 
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: dcommini on November 12, 2012, 10:12:40 PM
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on December 05, 2012, 10:55:19 AM
John Smith invited his mother over for dinner, and during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate Sarah was. Mrs. Smith had long suspected a relationship between John and Sarah, and this only made her more curious.
 
Over the course of the evening the suspicions of Mrs. Smith started to become obvious to John. Reading his mom's thoughts, John said abruptly: “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Sarah and I are just roommates”.
 
About a week later, Sarah said to John: “Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose your mother took it do you?” John said, “Well I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure”.
 
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
 
Several days later, John received an email from his mother that read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sarah, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sarah, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Jetavan on December 14, 2012, 04:12:05 PM
Two guys are painting the ceiling of a Catholic church when they look down and see a little old lady kneeling in deep prayer, eyes closed. One of the painters, being mischievous, says in a deep voice, "Lady, This is Jesus speaking to you." Nothing happens, so he says again, "Woman, this is Jesus speaking to you." Finally the lady, still in prayer, eyes closed, says, "Shut up! I'm speaking to your Mother!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: lovesupreme on December 15, 2012, 05:27:38 PM
(This one can be interchanged with the Roman Catholic equivalents)

At a Conservative Jewish wedding, the bride is pregnant


At a Reform Jewish wedding, the rabbi is pregnant


At an Orthodox Jewish wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on December 15, 2012, 06:07:34 PM
This just came in.

I was not sure whether to post it as its own thread or post it here.

But it certainly proves that something can get lost in translation:


Quote
Customer Tom Boddingham received this size 1,450 monster foot after a ‘clerical error’.

The 27-year-old, whose left foot is slightly longer than his right, placed a £15.50 order with Monster Slippers for a novelty pair of claws.

But, instead of a size 14.5 left slipper, he received one that was 210cm (7ft) long.

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/stories/879119-translation-error-lands-man-with-7ft-monster-slipper#ixzz1bMXZDwpt

The link shows a picture of the slipper.

Yay! Bigfoot!


 :laugh:

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found.  Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

www.engrish.com

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware.  But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.


Quote
Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.!
WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."
I heard something similar. A man asks if he could cross the farmer's field in ten minutes in order to save time getting to his destination because he was running late. The old farmer says, "Yeah, you could get across my field in ten minutes, and if my bull sees you, you could get across in one." :laugh:

:)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on December 15, 2012, 06:09:26 PM
Engineers on a train
Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.
 
The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.
 
As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket! After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.
 
One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."

Engineers must have engineered the first conspiracy to entice Eve to eat that apple.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on December 15, 2012, 06:22:10 PM
What do you get when you cross a vampire with Frosty the snowman?  Frostbite!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: VarangianGuard on December 15, 2012, 06:45:10 PM
I heard this from a Catholic priest:
Why does the Pope wear swimming trunks in the shower?
-He does not want to look down on the unemployed.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: VarangianGuard on December 16, 2012, 11:25:11 AM
Soviet humour told by a Russian:

A Soviet Russian and an American were talking about their countries.
The American said: I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my hand on Reagan's desk and say "listen, Mr. President. I don't like the way you are running this country!"
The Russian replied: I can do that too.
The American was suprised and replied "really?"
"Yes", the Russian said. I can go to the Kremlin any day, slam my hand at the General Secretary's desk and say "Listen, Mr. Gorbachev, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ioannis Climacus on December 16, 2012, 08:00:50 PM
Soviet humour told by a Russian:

A Soviet Russian and an American were talking about their countries.
The American said: I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my hand on Reagan's desk and say "listen, Mr. President. I don't like the way you are running this country!"
The Russian replied: I can do that too.
The American was suprised and replied "really?"
"Yes", the Russian said. I can go to the Kremlin any day, slam my hand at the General Secretary's desk and say "Listen, Mr. Gorbachev, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country!"
Reagan apperantly told this joke to Gorbachev and the latter actually laughed.

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on December 18, 2012, 01:49:18 AM
A young man stands before the judge in criminal court. Their exchange goes something like this:

Judge: "Young man, why are you in this court room today?"

Young man: "I wanted to start my Christmas shopping a bit early, your honor."

Judge: "I don't see a problem with that. How early did you start?"

Young man: "Before the store opened."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: JamesR on December 18, 2012, 02:02:47 AM
Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.


________

Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on December 18, 2012, 02:04:09 AM
Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.


________

Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"
The teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fr.Aidan on December 18, 2012, 02:17:39 AM
Judge to delinquent youth: "Young man, you've been brought before this court for drinking!"

Youth, enthusiastically: "Great! Let's get started!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: genesisone on December 18, 2012, 12:17:50 PM
A man headed home on Hwy 400 after a night out answers his cell phone (oops!  ;))

Wife: Honey, stay off Hwy 400, the news has just reported that there's someone driving the wrong way in the northbound lanes!

Husband: That report isn't quite right: there are hundreds driving the wrong way!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Cyrillic on December 18, 2012, 12:59:23 PM
Judge to delinquent youth: "Young man, you've been brought before this court for drinking!"

Youth, enthusiastically: "Great! Let's get started!"

 :)

Such is the justice system in Holy Russia
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 18, 2013, 08:26:46 PM
Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: NicholasMyra on January 18, 2013, 08:57:14 PM
Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".
This sounds like a Ge'ez riddle.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 19, 2013, 12:08:41 PM
A young monk was washing lettuce leaves. Another monk approached him, a wanting to dare him, asked: - Can you repeat what elder said in a sermon this morning? - I do not remember - the young monk replied. - So why were you listening to the sermon if you already do not remember it? - Look, brother: water washes lettuce, but does not stay on its leaves. Salad, however, keeps becoming cleaner.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 19, 2013, 12:26:10 PM
What are the two most orthodox vegetables ? Peas and lettuce because : "In peas, lettuce pray to the Lord."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: That person on January 19, 2013, 02:12:48 PM
Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".
This sounds like a Ge'ez riddle.
There's a much more protestant version I've heard, but I think I like this wording the best.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on January 19, 2013, 06:00:30 PM
What do you get when you cross a vampire with Frosty the Snowman?
Frostbite.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on January 19, 2013, 09:27:21 PM
What are the two most orthodox vegetables ? Peas and lettuce because : "In peas, lettuce pray to the Lord."

 ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on January 20, 2013, 12:25:35 AM
What are the two most orthodox vegetables ? Peas and lettuce because : "In peas, lettuce pray to the Lord."
Kinda like the three bathroom vegetables: lettuce, turnip, and pea.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 20, 2013, 02:58:42 PM
A female student asks the priest: "Father, to what saint should I pray to pass the exam?" He answers: "My child, won't you try learning?".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 24, 2013, 07:23:14 AM
At the evening service, the deacon goes out to read the Gospel. This is done in the center of the church. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a yiayia who "knows everything" appears net to him. Deacon opened the Gospel and was just about to say the first sentence, as yiayia starts to prompt to him in a stage whisper:
- At that time...
Deacon in confusion repeats:
- At that time...
Yiayia:
- The Lord went...
-Deacon:
- The Lord went...
Yiayia:
- To Nazareth!
Deacon looked at the book, and then triumphantly poking his tongue at her, said:
- To Capernaum!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Santagranddad on January 24, 2013, 09:31:43 AM
Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.


________

Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"

Appropriate it isn't but I laughed fit to bust all the same....
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 26, 2013, 03:06:47 PM
Russia. Sunday school.
During the lesson pupil is asked by the teacher:
- What was the fault of Adam and Eve?
Fellow students begin to prompt:
- Apples! Apples!
Pupil:
-They ate apples before the Transfiguration!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 28, 2013, 10:05:56 AM
Sunday school:
- What do we commemorate at the feast of Theophany?
- We commemorate the fact that our Lord was baptised and received into the Orthodox Church!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 28, 2013, 05:03:58 PM
Sunday school (you are not surprised, aren't you?). A 7-year-old is reading paschal troparion:

- Christ is risen from the dead... - Oh, the dead! Horror! - ...death by death... - Oh, again about the death! - ..and upon those in the tombs bestowing life - tombs again, nightmare!

He closed the book:
- No, this song is very scary!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on February 10, 2013, 07:38:34 PM
  Long Before Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor, movie star, or body builder, he was a piano student.  He was doing quite well.  One day his piano teacher said, "You are doing quite well at the piano.  Think someday you will be another Beethoven or Mozart?"
 
    Arnold replied, "No, I'll be Bach."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 10, 2013, 07:44:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Hiwot on February 10, 2013, 08:45:06 PM
OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on February 11, 2013, 02:19:08 AM
OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'


 ;D



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 11, 2013, 02:29:53 AM
OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'
:laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on March 05, 2013, 02:17:13 AM
One day a cub was asking his Dad, "Dad, am I a hundred percent polar bear?"
    The Dad replied, "Well, of course, son.  I am a hundred percent polar bear, your Mom is a hundred percent polar bear, all your grandparents, aunts, and uncles are a hundred percent polar bear."
 The cub replied, "Oh, O. K."
 
 The Dad got to wondering and asked, "Why do you ask, son?"
 
    The cub replied, "'Cause I'm cold!"  :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: alanscott on March 05, 2013, 04:42:39 PM
What reason did the atheist feminist woman give for denying Christianity?

“I can accept He was born of a virgin but three wise men?!”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy filled with his love and exuberance for God was trying to tell a businessman about heaven. The man attempting to have a conversation with an associate started to become aggravated by the pestering young boy.

Finally the man, out of frustration, exclaimed; “Look kid I don’t want to go to heaven.”

The young boy, knowing only one of two options, innocently replied: “O.K. then go to hell”


*If deemed inappropriate please excuse my lack of discretion.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on March 07, 2013, 02:36:33 AM
What reason did the atheist feminist woman give for denying Christianity?

“I can accept He was born of a virgin but three wise men?!”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy filled with his love and exuberance for God was trying to tell a businessman about heaven. The man attempting to have a conversation with an associate started to become aggravated by the pestering young boy.

Finally the man, out of frustration, exclaimed; “Look kid I don’t want to go to heaven.”

The young boy, knowing only one of two options, innocently replied: “O.K. then go to hell”


*If deemed inappropriate please excuse my lack of discretion.



Good ones both!  ;D



Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: vamrat on March 07, 2013, 05:53:38 PM
A pair of engineers met one day at the park.  One of them has a new bike.

"Wow, where'd you get that snazzy new bike?" the first one asks.

"Well, I was walking here earlier and this nice young lady rides up, hops off her bike, takes off all her clothes and throws them on the ground and tells me I can have whatever I want."

"Good choice," says the first engineer.  "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: That person on March 09, 2013, 06:10:33 PM
(This one can be interchanged with the Roman Catholic equivalents)

At a Conservative Jewish wedding, the bride is pregnant


At a Reform Jewish wedding, the rabbi is pregnant


At an Orthodox Jewish wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. :D
I feel the Reform one is probably stronger as a punchline.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: stanley123 on March 23, 2013, 06:05:24 PM
Question: Why was the baker working so hard?
Answer: Because he kneaded the dough.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on March 24, 2013, 09:51:22 AM
Russian joke:

We have Great Lent now. We shall not drink vodka, eat meat, lie and slander. Parliament should have a vacation at this time.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: biro on March 24, 2013, 12:34:19 PM
Russian joke:

We have Great Lent now. We shall not drink vodka, eat meat, lie and slander. Parliament should have a vacation at this time.

 :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on March 25, 2013, 02:45:13 AM
Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A. Hell if I know.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on March 27, 2013, 02:55:37 PM
A few reasons why I do not wash myself:
1. Because I was forced to wash myself as a child.
2. Because I was not taught to wash myself as a child.
2. Those who wash themselves are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than others.
3. I can not decide which soap is better.
4. I once washed myself, but then I got sick.
5. I wash myself only on major holidays - Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends washes himself.
7. I'll start to wash myself when I'm old and dirty.
8. I do not have time to wash myself.
9. In winter the water is too cold and it's too hot in the summer.
10. I do not want soap manufacturers to make money from me.
11. I have personal relationship with hygiene.
12. All soaps are alike. Different brands of soap were invented by impostors in white gowns.
13. All the wars in the world were because of soap.
14. All varieties of soaps have drawbacks. I wash myself with three soaps at once. For only such a combination is right.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Cyrillic on March 27, 2013, 03:16:11 PM
99 Belgians and one Dutchman are on a plane. Suddenly the plane is quickly losing height. The pilot comes and says "We have too much weight on board, we're throwing out the lugage". The lugage is thrown out but still the plane is losing height. The pilot says: "We should get rid of the floor. Everyone grab hold of the ropes on the ceiling". The floor is thrown out, everyone is hanging on to the ropes from the ceiling but still the plane is losing height. The pilot comes again and says: "We need to lose a little more weight. One has to let the rope go and fall to save the rest." The Dutchman says: "Okay, I'll sacrifice myself" and immediately all the Belgians start clapping.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Ansgar on March 27, 2013, 04:40:03 PM
99 Belgians and one Dutchman are on a plane. Suddenly the plane is quickly losing height. The pilot comes and says "We have too much weight on board, we're throwing out the lugage". The lugage is thrown out but still the plane is losing height. The pilot says: "We should get rid of the floor. Everyone grab hold of the ropes on the ceiling". The floor is thrown out, everyone is hanging on to the ropes from the ceiling but still the plane is losing height. The pilot comes again and says: "We need to lose a little more weight. One has to let the rope go and fall to save the rest." The Dutchman says: "Okay, I'll sacrifice myself" and immediately all the Belgians start clapping.

Uhh, a neighbour joke. I love neighbour jokes.  :D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on March 30, 2013, 10:51:23 AM
Why do Christians in northwestern Russia try to rush through Lent? It's because most of them can see the Finnish line the whole time.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on March 30, 2013, 11:48:48 AM
Why do Christians in northwestern Russia try to rush through Lent? It's because most of them can see the Finnish line the whole time.
:D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Fr.Aidan on March 30, 2013, 02:14:01 PM
And because if they didn't, they wouldn't be Rushin' Orthodox.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on April 19, 2013, 04:15:15 PM
Young American couple in the midst of their 19th c. Russian fantasy. There was a coffee hour after Liturgy, and a real Russian sat down at the table. They introduced themselves, then their 18-month-old son, Mitrophan. The Russian looked at them, with all seriousness, "That's a monk name, not a man name."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tallitot on April 30, 2013, 07:04:57 PM
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
 
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,...
 
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
 
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on May 17, 2013, 01:27:07 AM
In a city a police officer pulled over a driver.  The police officer did the usual by asking for the driver's driver's license.  Then the police officer said, "The way I saw it, I'd say 55."  The driver replied, "No, 35.  My hat makes me look older."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on May 19, 2013, 01:15:21 PM
- Father, why did Christ after His Resurrection firstly appear to women, and not to men?
- My child, Christ knew women by nature are more talkative than men and He wanted the Good News to be spread as fast as possible.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LBK on May 20, 2013, 12:11:16 AM
- Father, why did Christ after His Resurrection firstly appear to women, and not to men?
- My child, Christ knew women by nature are more talkative than men and He wanted the Good News to be spread as fast as possible.

Yup. Never underestimate the power and range of the babafon'.  ;) :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: stanley123 on May 22, 2013, 09:18:58 PM
Sign in a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on May 31, 2013, 10:07:29 PM
Congress is working on a very simplified 2-step tax form:

1.  How much money did you make last year?

2.  Send it in.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on June 01, 2013, 01:51:47 PM
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on June 09, 2013, 01:40:10 PM
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on June 16, 2013, 08:03:19 PM
Sunday school.

- Do you pray before meals?

- We don't need to. My mother cooks fine.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on July 02, 2013, 12:41:54 AM
    A Sunday school teacher was starting to get impatient with a young student who hesitated when asked what the names of the first humans on earth were.  She finally said, "I will give you a hint.  Think apple."
 
    The student replied, "Oh, I know.  Granny Smith!" :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on July 15, 2013, 01:26:13 AM
An orchestra went through a series of rehearsals for an upcoming performance of a symphony.  At one of the last rehearsals, the conductor was getting after one of the violin players for missing three rehearsals.  The conductor exclaimed, "Charles, this is the third rehearsal that you missed! Why can't you be more like Mike who has made all the rehearsals?"  But Mike replied, "Well, I will not be able to make it to the performance, so I thought the least I could do is make the rehearsals."  :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Romanicus on July 15, 2013, 05:18:15 AM
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I won't believe any number, until I see proof!


Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We'll never know.


Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one - but the light bulb has to want to change.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Santagranddad on July 15, 2013, 06:29:16 AM
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I won't believe any number, until I see proof!


Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We'll never know.


Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one - but the light bulb has to want to change.

The above reminded me of another bad joke:


Two social workers sat on a beach as a man struggles in the surf,

He sinks below the waves for the first time,

He sinks below the waves for the second time,

He sinks bellows the waves for the third time,

And one social worker turns to the other and says,

"If only he asked for help".


It really wound up the social workers I knew, but everyone else laughed.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Cyrillic on July 16, 2013, 05:48:49 PM
A Roman Catholic priest came to a barber. He got his haircut and asked the barber how much he had to pay. ‘Nothing, Father, I never charge Catholic priests,’ the barber replied. The priest was nicely surprised, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of the finest Benedictine wine at his door.

Another day an Orthodox priest came to the same barber. He was served and asked the barber if he owed something for the job. ‘Absolutely nothing, Father, I never charge the Orthodox clergy,’ the barber said. The Orthodox priest was nicely surprised as well, and the next day the barber found twelve bottles of vodka at his door.

Some days later a rabbi came to the same barber. After he had his hair cut, he asked for a bill too. ‘You owe me nothing, rabbi. I never charge rabbis,’ the answer was. The rabbi was very much surprised too, and the next day the barber found... twelve rabbis at his door.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on July 19, 2013, 12:52:26 PM
There was once a couple arguing over who should make coffee in the morning.

    The wife said, "Husband, you get up first, so you should make the coffee."

    The husband replied, "But cooking is part of your routine. You know the kitchen far better than I do, so you should make the coffee."

    The wife replied, "No, it states in Scripture that the husband makes the coffee."

    The husband responded, "It does? Where does it say that?"

    The wife grabbed a Bible, flipped through it, and said, "Here it is. 'Hebrews.'" :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on August 07, 2013, 01:54:02 AM
A patient had an appointment with a doctor.  The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
    The patient replied, "Doctor, I think I have a problem with my nerves.  I tend to be pretty shaky, espically my hands."
    The doctor asked, "Do you drink a lot?"
    The patient replied, "No, I spill most of it." : )
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Tallitot on August 14, 2013, 08:53:25 AM
Q: Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
A: Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on August 23, 2013, 02:08:20 AM
   There was once a man who was walking toward a high scale restaurant. He was wearing a suit and rolling a tire beside him. After he entered the restaurant, an exasperate hostess walked up to him and inquired, "Excuse me sir, why on earth do you have a tire with you."

The man replied, "The last time I was here, I was told to bring proper I. D. and attire."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on August 23, 2013, 03:36:30 AM
An orchestra went through a series of rehearsals for an upcoming performance of a symphony.  At one of the last rehearsals, the conductor was getting after one of the violin players for missing three rehearsals.  The conductor exclaimed, "Charles, this is the third rehearsal that you missed! Why can't you be more like Mike who has made all the rehearsals?"  But Mike replied, "Well, I will not be able to make it to the performance, so I thought the least I could do is make the rehearsals."  :)
Sounds like a trombonist with whom I went to college. He, our principal trombonist, and I had all rehearsed the third movement of Norm Leyden's Concerto for Three Trombones and Concert Band (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HRX4pFJxLE). The night of the concert, this fellow, our second trombonist, no-showed. Calling him two or three times and not finding him at home, our conductor, also a trombonist, picked up his horn and subbed for the absentee performer. We found out afterward that our truant trombonist had totally forgotten there was a concert that night. Do I need to say that our no-show was not very happy with the grade he got for the course? (This is not a joke.)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on September 04, 2013, 03:03:16 PM
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit

Let us attend - kids free-for-all, parents are attending as instructed
God willing - I'll think about it
spiritual discussion - internet forums
earthly cares - stuff I have to do
first time - innovation, second time - normal, third time - tradition
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: TheTrisagion on September 04, 2013, 03:10:35 PM
LOL!  I love it.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on September 04, 2013, 06:07:14 PM
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit

Let us attend - kids free-for-all, parents are attending as instructed
God willing - I'll think about it
spiritual discussion - internet forums
earthly cares - stuff I have to do
first time - innovation, second time - normal, third time - tradition

Forgive me - Forget it
Amen - Yes
Christ is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Indeed He is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Heretic - You are wrong
Schismatic - You may be right but I still don't like you
Fool-for-Christ - Insane
Blessed - Second-rate saint
Lord's will be done - Unforeseeable consequences
God will provide - No one else I know will
God repay you - I definitely won't
Elder X says we must do this - I asked Fr X if I could do this and he said I could if I wanted to , and now I'm gonna force everybody else to do it too
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 14, 2013, 01:50:09 PM
How many Harvard graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... he holds the bulb in place and the universe revolves around him.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 15, 2013, 06:34:18 AM
"We're not allowed to call the Higgs Boson the 'God particle' anymore because now there's evidence that it exists."

 ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Opus118 on September 15, 2013, 11:27:59 AM
How many Harvard graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... he holds the bulb in place and the universe revolves around him.


This is close to what I get in trouble arguing about here, but I prefer:

"She hold the bulb in place the the universe revolves around her."

It's a fact.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 16, 2013, 03:20:49 AM
This is close to what I get in trouble arguing about here, but I prefer:

"She hold the bulb in place the the universe revolves around her."

It's a fact.

I'm ok with this, but only for a few hours at a time.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 16, 2013, 03:21:20 AM
If Christianity evolved from Judaism, then why are there still Jews? Checkmate, religionists!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 24, 2013, 02:28:34 AM
Saw this on the net somewhere...

Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker, "Luke, I know what you got for Christmas."

Luke replies, "How could you possibly know that?"

Darth Vader answers, "I felt your presents."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Gebre Menfes Kidus on September 24, 2013, 03:50:22 AM
Last year, Auburn University bragged that their water polo team would win the national championship. But alas, their horses drowned.


Selam
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on October 02, 2013, 01:50:42 PM
- What do the Orthodox feel about the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church and his actions?
- Schadenfreude.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: stanley123 on October 03, 2013, 01:03:33 AM
- What do the Orthodox feel about the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church and his actions?
- Schadenfreude.
Unfortunately, this is possibly not a joke.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: hecma925 on October 03, 2013, 12:30:14 PM
Last year, Auburn University bragged that their water polo team would win the national championship. But alas, their horses drowned.


Selam

I heard that same joke this weekend.  LOL
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on October 20, 2013, 10:29:04 PM
A friend of mine has been trying to find a dating site that has women who reflect his age and experience.  He has been having a very difficult time finding a site, but he finally found one:  CARBONDATING.COM.  :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on October 29, 2013, 12:45:34 AM
Recently a friend of mine was injured and lost his left side.  He's all right now. :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on October 30, 2013, 01:14:14 AM
Did you hear about the ghosts who entered a bar and ordered boos?
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on November 14, 2013, 02:55:51 AM
You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on November 20, 2013, 02:36:44 AM
My friend said he was going to the Halloween party dressed as an Italian island. I said 'don't be Sicily.'
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 20, 2013, 03:26:44 AM
You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on November 20, 2013, 03:33:07 AM
Either ending worked, I laughed for both  ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 20, 2013, 03:37:45 AM
Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?

He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 20, 2013, 03:39:14 AM
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

People actually cry when you chop up the onion.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on November 20, 2013, 04:10:10 AM
This joke's so bad I could only tell it on the private forum:

http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,55031.msg1029579.html#msg1029579 (http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,55031.msg1029579.html#msg1029579)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on November 20, 2013, 12:52:09 PM

John:  "Hey doc, it really hurts when I do this [moves fingers]. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Don't do that."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on November 21, 2013, 03:11:00 AM
One morning a blonde woman calls her friend and says: "Please come over and help me.  I'm working on a jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "There is a picture of a tiger on the box."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.  She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.  He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on November 28, 2013, 05:24:47 AM
Orthodox - English phrasebook

temptations – foreseen troubles to be faced
humility - submission, rejection of initiative
Bless me to do sth! - Allow me to do sth without reflection!
I am doing it with a blessing! - I am not responsible for this!
Is it canonical? - Is it adequate?
Father, bless! - I want to do it!
God bless! - Thank you and goodbye!
for the glory of God - for free
hierarchical Liturgy - general horror
I sing in a choir! - I am looking for a partner!
donation - price
Some elders said... – introducing some fantastic religious folklore
For many years! - Best wishes!

something more:

sth is uncanonical - I don't like the thing, and I'll take a canon out of context to condemn it
Let us complete our prayer - Not over any time soon
pews - firewood
Orthodoxy is not a religion - I'm a hipster
I consult every important thing with my (monastic) spiritual father - I'm not mature enough to make decisions on my own
economia - regular usage
fem: I'm interested in theology - I want to be a presbytera
venerate - kiss
pilgrimage - trip
request for early retirement - deep cesspit

Let us attend - kids free-for-all, parents are attending as instructed
God willing - I'll think about it
spiritual discussion - internet forums
earthly cares - stuff I have to do
first time - innovation, second time - normal, third time - tradition

Forgive me - Forget it
Amen - Yes
Christ is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Indeed He is risen! - So much meat... So much cheese...
Heretic - You are wrong
Schismatic - You may be right but I still don't like you
Fool-for-Christ - Insane
Blessed - Second-rate saint
Lord's will be done - Unforeseeable consequences
God will provide - No one else I know will
God repay you - I definitely won't
Elder X says we must do this - I asked Fr X if I could do this and he said I could if I wanted to , and now I'm gonna force everybody else to do it too

for the first time in the history of the Orthodox Church - it most likely took place somewhere but I have not heard of it or do not want to acknowledge it
tradition - period between XVI and XIXth century
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on December 11, 2013, 02:01:20 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1499570_719839501370397_973823058_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on December 12, 2013, 12:59:32 AM
What do you call a girl who spends hours browsing stores and flirting with all the sales women in an attempt to get deals? Buy-curious. Har har.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on December 12, 2013, 01:41:02 AM
  A person stepped onto the porch and slipped on the ice caused by the freezing rain.  The person's leg was pretty beat up, so the person went to the doctor.  The doctor asked about what happened, so the person explained what happened.

    The doctor replied, "icy."  :)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: GabrieltheCelt on December 12, 2013, 01:41:41 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1499570_719839501370397_973823058_n.jpg)

 One of my favorite cartoonists.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on January 21, 2014, 06:49:17 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/neVxYQt.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: emilysmith on January 22, 2014, 02:37:45 AM
wow and so sad
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on January 24, 2014, 10:23:02 PM
An American missionary arrives at some Near Easter village. He approaches a local and in broken Arabic say:
- Greetings, brother! I come here to tell people of your village about Christ!
- But we know about Christ already.
- Then I will make you Christians!
- But we are already Christians.
- Really? Who did it? Baptists? Adventists? Pentecostals?
- I don't know. I'll ask the elders.
The man starts to talk to a few elderly men that were nearby. He comes back after a while:
- They say it was Paul.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on January 27, 2014, 07:01:01 AM
From the Church bulletin: "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on January 31, 2014, 01:30:50 AM
     An older patient had his annual physical.  He was wondering how he was doing when it was over, so he asked the doctor, “What is the verdict?”
     The doctor replied, “You are not doing too bad, although your triglycerides and cholesterol are a little high.  Remember to watch your diet.”  The patient gave a deep sigh and small groan, but the doctor said, “Ah, it’s not that bad.”  Just remember “a variety of colors.”
     So the patient went home and at a bag of M & Ms.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 16, 2014, 06:09:19 PM
Asked to say something nice about his predecessor, Pope Simplicius scratched his chin, thought for a moment, and then said enthusiastically: "Well no one can deny that he was hilarious".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Mor Ephrem on February 16, 2014, 06:11:20 PM
Asked to say something nice about his predecessor, Pope Simplicius scratched his chin, thought for a moment, and then said enthusiastically: "Well no one can deny that he was hilarious".

O felix culpa! 
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 20, 2014, 04:19:27 PM
From an email I just received:

Quote
CELL  PHONE ETIQUETTE
 
A commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
 
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
 
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
 
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
 
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
 
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
 
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Mor Ephrem on February 20, 2014, 04:28:09 PM
From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: LBK on February 20, 2014, 06:08:44 PM
From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 

Seconded!  ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 20, 2014, 06:12:25 PM
From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 

I don't talk on the phone in public because others consider it bad manners, but I never understood why people think of it in that way. How is talking to my mother on the phone different than talking to my mother in the seat next to me? Is it because you can't eavesdrop as easily when the phone is in use?  ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 20, 2014, 06:58:46 PM
From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately.  

I don't talk on the phone in public because others consider it bad manners, but I never understood why people think of it in that way. How is talking to my mother on the phone different than talking to my mother in the seat next to me? Is it because you can't eavesdrop as easily when the phone is in use?  ;D

Perhaps those who view use of cell phones in public as a lack of etiquette think that it is rude because they cannot participate, eavesdrop, or hear the other side of the conversation.

Lots of folks view use of a "foreign language" in public as rude, especially when said "foreigners" speak perfectly good English, see you coming, and then revert to Armenian or Spanish.

Once, when a couple reverted to Spanish, I started speaking Spanish to them. You should have seen their red faces!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Mor Ephrem on February 20, 2014, 09:18:02 PM
How is talking to my mother on the phone different than talking to my mother in the seat next to me? Is it because you can't eavesdrop as easily when the phone is in use?  ;D

No.  When your mom is right next to you, you don't speak as loudly because she's right there.  When people are on the phone, they're usually not as thoughtful.  They act as if their mom is in the neighbour's house across the street and they have to yell at them from the front door.  It's 2014, not 1899.  That is a general principle.  When this takes place in the context of "lovers' quarrels", I really want to wring someone's neck.  I have sympathy when I can tell the person on my end of the call wants to be considerate but the person on the other end doesn't care.  Then I only want to grab the phone and hang it up.

EDIT: I hope the lady in Maria's anecdote said "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed" in the sexiest way possible.  If you're going to do it, do it well. 
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 20, 2014, 09:24:20 PM
People on the phone louder? You must be around different people  8)  When I'm on the bus, if pretty much anyone is speaking it's so loud and distracting that I usually give up trying to read and just listen to music.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Mor Ephrem on February 20, 2014, 09:26:22 PM
People on the phone louder? You must be around different people  8)

Perhaps, but I'm not sure.  It's like how people behave differently when they're in their cars and do things (e.g., pick their noses) that they wouldn't do "in public", despite the fact that, within a car, you are surrounded by windows and people can see you. 
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 20, 2014, 10:00:02 PM
Huh, well then, maybe I'm just easily distracted  8)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Opus118 on February 21, 2014, 12:03:17 AM
From an email I just received:

Quote
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I hope that really happened.  I hate when people use their technology inconsiderately. 

Seconded!  ;D

I realize that this is a joke thread but I feel I have the responsibility of rejecting both yours and Mor's comments as being horrible in my eyes. I have mentioned this before in this forum that I consider bearing false witness the worst and most destructive of sins. And this is what you are promoting.

I read the joke as following the hapless husband MEME that is so common in sitcoms and a lot of really stupid movies. I am not going to go into detail but the scenario is like this: a man with a controlling and selfish wife who manipulates her husband (this is the mention by her of the blonde in the accounts office). The lady on the train could just have easily told the man to lower his voice. Instead she decides to destroy a caring and loving human being because he accidentally bumped into her barking Bichon frise

No need to reply. I am just recording (potentially for others) why upon reading this that I found it disturbing.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Mor Ephrem on February 21, 2014, 12:09:03 AM
OK.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 21, 2014, 01:56:10 AM
OK.

To the Moderators: Hint! Hint!

Maybe my "bad joke" could be split out of this "bad joke" thread, as it seems to have taken on a life of its own.

I admit that I laughed at first at this "bad joke", but then I realized that there are very controlling jealous wives, and if this incident really happened, I would feel sorry for the poor hen-pecked husband. In addition, I would be furious that the eavesdropping woman had the gall to fabricate that lie, and it was a lie, that could destroy this husband who was trying to be faithful. Lord have mercy.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 21, 2014, 03:35:51 AM
From another email:

Quote
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
 
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"  And God said that it was good.
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh... For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"  And God again said that it was good.
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"  And God agreed it was good.
 
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."  But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
 
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
 
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.  If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch..
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 21, 2014, 03:37:37 AM
And another email:

Quote
And God created woman.
 
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's a needin' ".

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole darn thing.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 21, 2014, 03:39:51 AM
Take a bus and leave the driving to us:  

Warning: some bad language as they almost go over the cliff.
Mods: I could not listen to this entire video as my computer locked up.
If it is too bad, please move this post into the bad joke thread located in politics.

http://www.20min.ch/ro/videotv/?vid=339276
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 21, 2014, 03:54:11 AM
Another cute email - and a woman started this one!

Quote
HISTORY OF THE CAR RADIO

Seems like cars have always had radios, but they didn't.
 
Here's the story:

One evening, in 1929, two young men named William Lear and Elmer Wavering
drove their girlfriends to a lookout point high above the
Mississippi River town of Quincy, Illinois, to watch the sunset.

It was a romantic night to be sure, but one of the women observed that
it would be even nicer if they could listen to music in the car.
Lear and Wavering liked the idea. Both men had tinkered with radios (Lear served as a radio operator in
the U.S. Navy during World War I) and it wasn't long before they were
taking apart a home radio and trying to get it to work in a car.

 
But it wasn't easy: automobiles have ignition switches, generators, spark plugs, and other electrical
equipment that generate noisy static interference, making it nearly impossible to listen to the radio when the engine was running.

 
One by one, Lear and Wavering identified and eliminated each source of electrical interference.  When they finally got their radio to work, they took it to a radio convention in Chicago.

 
There they met Paul Galvin, owner of Galvin Manufacturing Corporation.
He made a product called a "battery eliminator", a device that allowed battery-powered radios to
run on household AC current.

 
But as more homes were wired for electricity, more radio manufacturers made AC-powered radios.

 
Galvin needed a new product to manufacture. When he met Lear and Wavering at the radio convention,
he found it.  He believed that mass-produced, affordable car radios had the potential to become a huge business.

Lear and Wavering set up shop in Galvin's factory, and when they perfected their first radio, they installed it in his Studebaker.

Then Galvin went to a local banker to apply for a loan. Thinking it might sweeten the deal,
he had his men install a radio in the banker's Packard.

Good idea, but it didn't work – Half an hour after the installation,
the banker's Packard caught on fire. (They didn't get the loan.)

Galvin didn't give up. He drove his Studebaker nearly
800 miles to Atlantic City to show off the radio at the
1930 Radio Manufacturers Association convention.

 
Too broke to afford a booth, he parked the car outside the convention hall and cranked up the radio so that
passing conventioneers could hear it.
That idea worked -- He got enough orders to put the radio into production.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

That first production model was called the 5T71.

Galvin decided he needed to come up with something a little catchier.
In those days many companies in the phonograph and radio businesses used the suffix "ola" for their names - Radiola, Columbiola, and Victrola were three of the biggest.

Galvin decided to do the same thing, and since his radio was intended for use in a motor vehicle, he decided to call it the Motorola.

But even with the name change, the radio still had problems:
When Motorola went on sale in 1930, it cost about $110 uninstalled, at a time when you could buy a brand-new car for $650, and the country was sliding into the Great Depression.
(By that measure, a radio for a new car would cost about $3,000 today.)

In 1930, it took two men several days to put in a car radio --
The dashboard had to be taken apart so that the receiver and a
single speaker could be installed, and the ceiling had to be cut open to install the antenna.

These early radios ran on their own batteries, not on the car battery,
so holes had to be cut into the floorboard to accommodate them.
 
The installation manual had eight complete diagrams and 28 pages of instructions. Selling complicated car
radios that cost 20 percent of the price of a brand-new car wouldn't
have been easy in the best of times, let alone during the Great Depression –

Galvin lost money in 1930 and struggled for a couple of years after that. But things picked up in 1933 when Ford began offering Motorola's pre-installed at the factory.

In 1934 they got another boost when Galvin struck a deal with
B.F. Goodrich tire company to sell and install them in its chain of tire stores.

By then the price of the radio, with installation included, had dropped to $55. The Motorola car radio was off and running. (The name of the company would be officially changed from Galvin Manufacturing to
"Motorola" in 1947.)

In the meantime, Galvin continued to develop new uses for car radios. In 1936, the same year that it introduced push-button tuning, it also introduced the Motorola Police Cruiser, a standard car radio that was factory preset to a single frequency to pick up police broadcasts.
 
In 1940 he developed the first handheld two-way radio -- The Handy-Talkie – for the U. S. Army.

A lot of the communications technologies that we take for granted today were born in Motorola labs in the years that followed World War II.
 
In 1947 they came out with the first television for under $200.

In 1956 the company introduced the world's first pager; in 1969 came the radio and television equipment that was used to televise Neil Armstrong's first steps on the Moon.

In 1973 it invented the world's first handheld cellular phone.

Today Motorola is one of the largest cell phone manufacturers in the world.

And it all started with the car radio.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
the two men who installed the first radio in Paul Galvin's car?

Elmer Wavering and William Lear, ended up taking very different paths in life.

Wavering stayed with Motorola. In the 1950's he helped change the automobile experience again when
he developed the first automotive alternator, replacing inefficient and unreliable generators. The invention lead to such luxuries as power windows, power seats, and, eventually, air-conditioning.

Lear also continued inventing. He holds more than 150 patents. Remember eight-track tape players? Lear invented that.

But what he's really famous for are his contributions to the field of aviation. He invented radio direction finders for planes, aided in the invention of the autopilot,designed the first fully automatic aircraft landing system, and in 1963 introduced his most famous invention of all, the Lear Jet, the world's first mass-produced, affordable business jet. (Not bad for a guy who dropped out of school after the eighth grade.)

Sometimes it is fun to find out how some of the many things that we take for granted actually came into being! AND It all started with a woman's suggestion!!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on February 21, 2014, 03:56:32 AM
Another email joke:


Quote
Subject: Try this with the family car today


Bob says that this is a 1920 Dodge.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think you can do this with your family vehicle?


http://www.youtube.com/embed/nq2jY1trxqg?rel=0
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 21, 2014, 06:06:06 PM
Why did Evangelical Eli refuse to listen to blues music?

Because he didn't want to lose the joy joy joy joy down in his heart!




Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on March 12, 2014, 06:06:44 PM
Patient: 'I think everyone is out to get me.'
Psychiatrist: 'Aren't you being a bit paranoid?'
Patient: 'Of course I'm paranoid: everyone is out to get me!'
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on March 26, 2014, 12:29:44 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/1011060_455935781204124_1018138018_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on May 13, 2014, 03:13:03 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/l/t1.0-9/10322691_660883187299771_8380767740233852935_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on May 27, 2014, 11:55:25 PM
(http://www.sciencecartoonsplus.com/gallery/religion/religion03.gif)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on June 01, 2014, 02:54:10 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/1904145_486415811489454_6795164550454721173_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on June 07, 2014, 11:16:59 PM
What did the 0 say to the 8? That belt looks really tight!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Raylight on June 07, 2014, 11:39:30 PM
Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom?

 A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.




Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Mor Ephrem on June 08, 2014, 12:58:01 PM
Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom?

 A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.


I thought women liked men who were in tune with their emotions, comfortable with weeping, etc.  Oh well. 
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Opus118 on June 08, 2014, 04:19:31 PM
What did the 0 say to the 8? That belt looks really tight!

I confess that it took me a real long time to figure this one out and it was right before my eyes.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on June 24, 2014, 04:04:08 PM
A pickle walks up to the entrance of a night club and tries to go right in. The doorman says, "What makes you think you can just walk in like that?" The pickle respond, "Um, in case you didn't know, I'm sort of a big dill."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on June 24, 2014, 10:46:29 PM
During a bank robbery, the robber asks one of the tellers, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The teller replies, "Yes, I did." So the robber shoots him dead.

The robber then asks another man, who is visiting the bank with his wife, the same question, at which point the man says, "No, I didn't see you rob this bank, but my wife did."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Avdima on August 31, 2014, 08:02:10 PM
An engineer who died and stood before St. Peter at the pearly gates, St. Peter looked in his book and told the engineer that he was at the wrong place, told him he had to go down to where that red door was at, so the engineer walked down to the red door and opened it and ended up in hell, well as he was down there looking around he decided to make some improvements, as engineers usually try to do, and the next thing you know they got hot and cold running water, up and down escalators, flush toilets, and he was working on getting air-conditioning put it down there when God decided to give Satan a call to see how things were going on down there, Satan said things are doing real great, we have hot and cold running water, flush toilets, up and down escalators, and the engineer we have is getting ready to set us up with some air-conditioning, well God wasn't too happy about that and told Satan that a mistake had been made and that he wanted him to send that engineer back, Satan said no way am I going to do that, God said you send him back or else I'll sue you, Satan laughed and said, and just where are you going to get a lawyer......

Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Santagranddad on August 31, 2014, 08:11:35 PM
 >:( Received wisdom according to an anonymous women.

Men have only two faults.........

Everything they do and everything they say.....

------------------------------

Now come on, ladies, no-one's perfect.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Santagranddad on August 31, 2014, 08:28:11 PM
Tito is being driven by his chauffeur when they reach a T junction. The chauffeur says, "Comrade Tito, do we turn East or West?" Tito replies, "Indicate West, but turn East".
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 11, 2014, 09:22:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10472092_10152466937219526_7033801128287374293_n.jpg?oh=e8eff1eba969ef2b8f1e5824d7b605be&oe=548E06AA&__gda__=1417994526_0acf6a2597b0e3057d8f7f2556a087ea)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Maria on September 11, 2014, 09:48:14 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10472092_10152466937219526_7033801128287374293_n.jpg?oh=e8eff1eba969ef2b8f1e5824d7b605be&oe=548E06AA&__gda__=1417994526_0acf6a2597b0e3057d8f7f2556a087ea)

Good cartoon.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on September 13, 2014, 12:36:49 PM
(https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10422094_926436317377380_4834949589601520701_n.jpg?oh=ccb809eed9bb6447e5bb765c493e00a0&oe=549A3B10)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: biro on September 13, 2014, 06:06:16 PM
Ha ha!  ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: TheTrisagion on September 25, 2014, 01:53:59 PM
(http://www.toneoflove.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Adam-Eve.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 01, 2014, 04:01:33 AM
(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/10428555_553900884740946_1525309040230456144_n.jpg?oh=3915d01d494d7cec7b31754ef0c9475d&oe=54CED123)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on October 02, 2014, 07:33:25 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10574283_554745104656524_5980987942957012394_n.jpg?oh=9137bafd048cb08c7d9aec649257f250&oe=54C4F2FB&__gda__=1422617489_88052d2b3d90ba0be79f10fdf8d89e18)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: WPM on October 02, 2014, 07:36:18 PM
Well, if you had a knack for comedy it would actually be quite funny
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on December 11, 2014, 01:06:22 PM
How do atheists decorate their house at Christmas?

Apparently they put up a chemistree.

(https://fbcdn-photos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-0/10292339_991339497553728_12804028399753425_n.jpg?oh=9933d6924c05e6ab8e37a490163d4b06&oe=550ECECB&__gda__=1426434870_6b6139978b4f9af45ecead8ab9661708)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Sinful Hypocrite on December 11, 2014, 06:26:00 PM
Heres one,

How does a priest make Holy water?

He boils the hell out of it.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on June 15, 2015, 04:10:48 PM
The difference between resigning and re-signing can be a very thin line.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: mike on June 21, 2015, 11:48:16 AM
- Why are there 9 patriarchs?
 - Nine for Mortal Men...
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Pravoslavac on June 21, 2015, 11:54:52 AM
Istanbul, Turkey
(Nock, nock)
-Come in.
Where is patriarch Bartholomew?
-In Vatican.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Czar Lazar on June 21, 2015, 07:44:42 PM
Istanbul, Turkey
(Nock, nock)
-Come in.
Where is patriarch Bartholomew?
-In Vatican.

 :laugh:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Luke on March 06, 2016, 12:21:28 PM
Question:  What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
Answer:  The teachers tend to Babylon.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on March 08, 2016, 04:38:48 AM
Question:  What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
Answer:  The teachers tend to Babylon.
Hey, just because this is Cheesefare Week doesn't give you license to tell such cheesy jokes. :police:
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on March 08, 2016, 08:10:02 PM
Instead of calling the bathroom "the John," we should call it "the Jim," that way we can rightfully claim that we "go to the Jim every morning." Keep America strong!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: RaphaCam on March 08, 2016, 10:13:11 PM
Q: How do you call a black man riding a bike?

A: A cyclist, you racist!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on March 10, 2016, 12:41:28 AM
Q. What do you call an Audi that's been broadsided?

A. An Innie.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: HaydenTE on March 10, 2016, 12:44:32 AM
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was out standing in his field.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: RaphaCam on March 11, 2016, 12:08:37 AM
Q: What did the Lutheran say after he fell downstairs?
A: The Catholic pushed me to it!

Q: What did the Calvinist say after he fell downstairs?
A: Thank God!

Q: What did the agnostic say after he fell downstairs?

Q: What did the Evangelical say after he fell downstairs?
A: My church won't have any stairs, you'll see it!

Q: What did the Orthodox say after he fell downstairs?
A: My True Old Calendar Serious Bearded Church won't have any stairs, you'll see it!

Q: What did the Mormon say after he fell downstairs?
A: My planet won't have any stairs, you'll see it!

Q: What did the Gnostic say after he fell downstairs?
A: Something has been going terribly right.

Q: What did the Jehovah's Witness say after he fell downstairs?
A: Only 144 thousand will fal downstairs.

Q: What did the Perennialist say after he fell downstairs?
A: It felt the same when I fell down the slope, this must mean something!

Q: What did the Buddhist say after he fell downstairs? What did the Buddhist say after he fell downstairs? What did the Buddhist say after he fell downstairs? What did the Buddhist say after he fell downstairs?

The ones with the RC and the Muslim wouldn't make sense in English.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on March 13, 2016, 05:25:05 PM
Statistics show that roughly 3.14159% of sailors are pi-rates.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on March 13, 2016, 06:04:43 PM
D'you hear about the punk band started by Rory McNeed, the chemist in graduate school? They're called 'The Free Radicals,' and the lyrics are solely about antioxidant issues. Their music is absolutely fantastic, and they posted on facebook that the one guitarist is about to learn his 3rd chord, so you know things're gonna get progressive on the next album! Admittedly, some question their approach to the lifestyle, their bland aesthetic, and even their faithfulness to the message they so loudly proclaim. But I say bollocks to all such accusions! In a recent interview lead lyrical supervisor and rhythm guitarist Benjamin Dolm summed things up perfectly: "Being an anarchist, punk, aqua-vegan and DIY music mogul doesn't mean we don't care about the blind middle-class drones around us and won't partner with large corporations to leverage our unique skills for the facilitation of productive scientific research, tech development, and the delivery of consumer applications of said research and development to market. Don't let the mainstream media industrial complex trick you--there's more to our venerable punk rock philosophy than cool hair and paradigm-shifting musical compositions."
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on March 22, 2016, 10:56:29 AM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xla1/v/t1.0-9/12798884_1061611043880693_5126909934336981806_n.jpg?oh=e693b7f63291cf0bdcd163ea54f8b31b&oe=5785D573)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Dominika on April 11, 2016, 02:36:14 PM
It's translated from Serbian, it also suits to Poland case:

Two priests sat in a cafeteria, and before leaving they asked waiter, how much they have to pay. The waiter said: Usually they give 20 dollars.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: PeterTheAleut on April 19, 2016, 06:36:29 PM
Name of a major law firm: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: RaphaCam on April 20, 2016, 11:35:20 PM
A Polish man goes to the ophtalmologist. The doctor projects letters on the wall for the patient: "C H J W A Z I E R T K..."

Doctor: "Can you read it?"
Patient: "Read it? I know this guy!"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: petros22 on April 21, 2016, 07:14:12 PM
Okay so you'll only get this one if you know a little about Catholic devotions

Its Northern Ireland around 1980. Man goes to confession.

Penitent: Bless me Father for I have sinned. I've blown up 50 miles of railway track.
Priest: My son for your penance...you must do the stations!   ;D
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 20, 2017, 10:06:55 AM
(https://scontent.fagc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16730625_1016917368439293_2530814224508297240_n.jpg?oh=62ae2c15e9b79475814b1521a957f488&oe=59459326)
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: minasoliman on February 20, 2017, 12:55:17 PM
Scotch tape, whiteboard, UFO, post it notes?

I don't get it
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on February 20, 2017, 01:04:09 PM
Supposed to be: "UFO caught on tape"
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: minasoliman on February 20, 2017, 01:28:50 PM
Ooooooooooooooohhhh!

Womp womp!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: hecma925 on February 22, 2017, 01:33:41 AM
A Polish man goes to the ophtalmologist. The doctor projects letters on the wall for the patient: "C H J W A Z I E R T K..."

Doctor: "Can you read it?"
Patient: "Read it? I know this guy!"

Ha!
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Opus118 on February 22, 2017, 11:50:07 AM
Well, last weekend I drove five miles to the stationery store to purchase some Vellum, but it had moved.
 
A moving supply store was there in its place.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Asteriktos on June 09, 2017, 03:34:16 PM
Fred: Did you ever trap that wild Thesaurus that kept rampaging through your library?
Josh: Yeah, we used synonym rolls as bait. Wild Thesauri love those.
Title: Re: Bad joke
Post by: Sinful Hypocrite on June 09, 2017, 04:54:36 PM
How does a priest make holy water?

He boils the hell out of it. ::)